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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Tired of One-Sided Friendships? (6 Signs to Know When To Walk Away)

Published September 26, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Jay Shetty explores how to distinguish between real and fake friendships by examining subtle patterns such as how people respond to your boundaries, whether they keep score, how they react to your success, and whether they gossip about others. Drawing on attachment theory, concepts from the Bhagavad Gita, and psychological research, he outlines behavior-based signs instead of labeling people as entirely "fake" or "real." He closes by emphasizing that healthy friendships require mutual understanding, honest feedback, patience, and shared values, not just expectations of others.

Topics Covered

Friendship dynamics Relationships Boundaries Attachment and bonding Self-esteem in relationships Jealousy Social bonding Personal Development Status and power dynamics

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Quick Takeaways

  • How someone handles your "no" is a key indicator of whether they are a secure, respectful friend or an insecure, controlling one.
  • Real friends don't keep a mental ledger of favors; they give from generosity rather than using kindness as a currency.
  • A friend's micro-reaction to your good news can reveal underlying envy or genuine support.
  • Healthy friends accept your full, imperfect self instead of making you feel like you're always too much or not enough.
  • People who bond with you through gossip are likely to gossip about you later, creating shallow, unsafe intimacy.
  • Fake friends often want the best from you (your utility or status), while real friends want the best for you and grow with your changes.

Podcast Notes

Introduction and context for the friendship conversation

Jay welcomes listeners and sets the scene

Acknowledges different activities listeners might be doing while listening (cooking, walking, gym, commuting)[2:23]
Encourages listeners to subscribe so they never miss an episode[2:31]

Why friendship is a front-of-mind topic again

Jay feels at an age where conversations about friendships have resurfaced, similar to teenage years[2:36]
Observes that some friends feel screwed over or let down, others feel people are not showing up, and others are realizing who people really are[2:49]
Questions that arise: Was this person ever really a friend? Were they a fake friend? Did they have different agendas or motives?[3:05]

Purpose of the episode: differentiate real vs fake friends

Jay intends to break down subtle signs between real and fake friends[3:18]
Clarifies that no one is entirely a fake or real person; it's about how they are with us in a specific relationship[3:25]
Notes that someone may be a great friend to one person but not great with you; focus is on behaviors and patterns you've experienced[3:32]
Goal is to help listeners protect themselves with stronger filters and boundaries, not to condemn people wholesale[3:44]

Sign 1: How they respond when you say "no" and the role of attachment

Fake friends want you to say yes even when you want to say no

Fake friends get sulky, distant, or manipulative when you set a boundary or decline something[4:05]
Real friends respect your boundary and your right to say no; they may tease you but they do not withdraw love or respect[4:16]

Psychology of boundaries and secure vs insecure attachment

Fake friends may interpret your limits as personal rejection, e.g., "I don't want to go out at 10 p.m." feels like "I don't want to spend time with you" to them[4:38]
Similarly, a boundary like "I'm not drinking this month" becomes, for some, an invitation to pressure you rather than to support you[4:42]
Notes that some people are not bad or fake; their wiring and insecurity from past experiences lead them to project insecurity onto you[5:08]
Clarifies that understanding their psychology doesn't mean you must tolerate or accept harmful behavior[5:13]

Traits of securely attached friends

Securely attached friends are reliable without being suffocating; they show up when it matters but don't need constant contact[5:23]
Example: They'll check in if you're sick but won't demand constant updates throughout the day[5:32]
Secure friends respect your boundaries and don't guilt-trip you when your plans change or you can't make it[5:36]
• A real friend reacts to cancellations with responses like "totally fine, we'll catch up later" instead of making you feel bad
Indicator of real connection: you feel safe saying you just aren't feeling it tonight and can propose another way to show up that week[6:18]
Healthy friendships show "comfort with absence"-time apart doesn't weaken the bond[6:35]
• Good friends can reconnect after months apart and pick up where they left off seamlessly
Problem sign: someone repeatedly weaponizes time gaps or reply delays (e.g., "You didn't reach out for four months") against you[6:51]

Balanced support: comfort plus challenge

Real friends both comfort you and challenge you to grow; they don't just say what you want to hear[7:18]
You must allow and invite challenge; if you reject every piece of feedback, you push friends away from telling you uncomfortable truths[7:25]
Distinguishes between feedback given to make you better vs feedback given so the giver can feel superior[7:51]
• If someone's feedback is aimed at growth, you want to be open; if it's to control you or make you feel small, that's unhealthy
Shutting down good feedback leads to a less honest, less transparent relationship over time[8:28]

Attachment theory and childhood roots of secure friendships

Jay cites psychologist John Bowlby, founder of attachment theory, who found that secure attachments in childhood predict trust and resilience in adulthood[8:39]
If someone had a tough childhood and didn't experience secure attachment with parents, they are less likely to show it in friendships[8:48]
In friendships, secure attachment translates into predictable safety-no constant fear of abandonment, betrayal, or relentless judgment[8:57]
Research shows securely attached adults are better at conflict resolution, empathy, and forgiveness[9:05]
Again, Jay stresses there is no inherently fake person, only people whose experiences make these skills harder; yet you still must protect yourself[9:24]

Summary contrasts for Sign 1

Fake friends want your yes even when your soul is screaming no; real friends prioritize your peace over their plans[9:41]
Fake friends want your agreement to keep comfort; real friends want your honesty because truth matters more than comfort[9:46]
Fake friends need constant validation; real friends can handle being challenged[9:52]
Fake friends prefer the easy, polished, agreeable version of you; real friends embrace the messy, complicated, real you[10:03]
Core line: Fake friends are loyal to your compliance; real friends are loyal to your authenticity[10:14]

Sign 2: Scorekeeping vs generosity in friendships

How fake vs real friends handle favors and giving

Fake friend voice: "I bought you coffee last time" - implying you now owe them[10:27]
Real friend voice: "Don't worry, I've got this one" and you naturally reciprocate because you remember their generosity[10:29]
Healthy bonds operate on generosity, not ledgers; fake friends remember what you owe, real friends forget what they gave[10:46]

Internal mindset of real vs fake friends

If asked to list nice things you've done for a friend in the last 30 days, most people couldn't easily recall them, indicating they weren't tallying[11:17]
In real friendships, you don't think about your own good deeds when texting, calling, or being with them[11:15]
In true friendship, each person is mentally focused on all the amazing things the other has done for them, not what they've done for the other[11:24]
This mutual gratitude and reciprocity is very different from each person mentally listing their own contributions[11:46]

Social debt and the trap of fake loyalty

Jay notes that we often think of debt as only financial, but social debt ("I did this, so you owe me") is a key trap of fake loyalty[11:56]
Psychology labels this as scorekeeping behavior; genuine friendships follow communal norms (giving without expectation), fake ones follow exchange norms (transactional)[12:15]
When you keep score, you always feel like you are the one giving more, due to self-serving bias[12:39]
• Self-serving bias: tendency to overestimate your own contributions and underestimate those of others
You remember all the things you do right, forget many things you do wrong, remember what they do wrong, and forget much of what they do right[12:56]
Scorekeeping makes relationships competitive (who gives more) instead of collaborative (we are a team)[13:00]
On a team, if everyone is focused on who does more or less, the group can't win; if everyone plays their role, there's a chance to succeed[13:16]
Over time, one person may feel like the debtor and grow resentful, while the other feels like the creditor and grows bitter[13:25]

Summary contrasts for Sign 2

Fake friends remember what you owe; real friends forget what they give[13:32]
Fake friends keep score; real friends lose count[13:37]
Fake friends hand you favors with strings attached; real friends give without conditions[13:44]
Fake friends treat kindness like currency; real friends treat kindness like breathing[13:47]
Fake friends loan support expecting repayment; real friends invest love with no return expected[13:53]
Core contrast: Fake friends give to gain; real friends give to grow[14:02]

Sign 3: Reactions to your good news and the role of envy

Using good news as a test of friendship quality

Common lens: we value friends who show up when things go badly, and that's important[15:19]
Jay adds that a real friend is also someone you want to talk to when you're winning or doing well[14:31]
Sometimes we hesitate to share a promotion or small win because we fear the other person will be triggered by our success[15:24]
• If someone is going through a really hard time, being cautious about sharing your win can be a sign that you are a considerate friend
Generally, a great friend will want to hear about your wins unless they're in the midst of something extremely difficult[15:08]
Healthy friendship requires both people to understand these nuances of timing and emotional capacity[15:19]

Watching micro-expressions for signals of envy or support

Jay suggests sharing good news and watching micro-expressions as a heuristic when getting to know someone[15:24]
Fake friend reactions: delayed smile, quick subject change, subtle undercutting comments that minimize your achievement[16:55]
Real friend reactions: genuine excitement, follow-up questions, curiosity, and energy that matches your joy[16:55]
Jay notes that micro-expressions reveal envy faster than words can hide it[16:56]

Can you be friends with someone who envies you?

Poses question: Can you be friends long-term with someone who envies you?[16:58]
Answers: Yes, but only if their envy evolves into respect and learning[17:22]
Describes envy and its "cousin" study: both involve admiring someone else's position or success[17:31]
• In envy, you think "I wish I had that, I deserve it more, why not me?"
• In study, you think "How did they get there? I hope I can learn from them and grow with them"
Psychologists call the corrosive version "malicious envy"-wanting what someone has and even wishing they didn't have it[16:36]
That corrosive envy undermines trust because someone may be secretly rooting against you[16:45]
There is also a more constructive envy that says "you inspire me and I want to rise to your level," which can fuel growth[16:55]
However, envy always creates a crack; if unaddressed, resentment leaks through as subtle jabs, muted applause, or quiet satisfaction when you stumble[17:13]
Conclusion: You can be friends with someone who envies you only if that envy becomes respect or support; if it stays envy, you won't feel safe[17:27]

Extended contrasts on real friends celebrating your success

Behavioral differences around your wins

Real friends are not threatened by your good fortune; they celebrate and use your success as motivation[21:09]
Fake friends feel uneasy when you succeed; they may smile outwardly but internally wish it happened to them[21:14]
Real friend question is "How can I support you?" whereas fake friend question is "Why not me?"[21:25]
Real friends clap loudly when you win; fake friends clap softly or not at all because your win feels like their loss[21:35]
Real friends are inspired by your growth and want to rise alongside you; fake friends resent your growth and want you to stay the same[21:44]
Real friends see your success as shared joy; fake friends interpret it as their personal failure[21:52]

Nuance: being mindful of others' pain while sharing good news

Jay shares example: a friend excited about pregnancy was mindful because another friend had just had a miscarriage[22:05]
Notes that the grieving friend is not a bad friend for not being able to immediately celebrate, given their tragic experience[22:11]
Healthy friendship requires understanding on both sides: not just "you didn't show up for me," but "did I show up for you the way you needed as well?"[22:28]

Sign 4: Do they make you feel too much or not enough?

How fake friends distort your sense of self

Fake friends make you feel like you are not enough and too much at the same time[24:01]
Real friends help you realize you are who you are-flawed and lovable-and don't turn traits into value judgments[22:26]
A real friend might honestly say you can be annoying or frustrating at times, but they don't label that as "too much" or "not enough"[23:17]
Fake friend language: "You're just too much" or dismissive comments like "I don't think you're good enough at that" without openness[23:51]
Fake friends can also be those who only ever tell you you're amazing and can do everything, without grounded feedback[24:01]

Our role in allowing honest feedback

Real friends say things like "have you thought about this and that?" and that requires us to create space for their honesty[24:01]
If you only surround yourself with yes-people, you can't later complain that you don't have honest friends[23:35]
Many people have heard statements like "you're too sensitive" or "you're not enough"-Jay contrasts that with a real friend's nuanced reflection[23:51]

Unconditional positive regard vs conditional acceptance

Jay states that unconditional positive regard predicts healthy bonds[23:56]
Fake friends make you continually question yourself-too loud, too quiet, too needy, too distant[24:23]
Real friends accept your highs and lows; fake friends only want the easy, convenient version of you[24:13]
Real friends let you show up unfiltered; fake friends require you to edit yourself to keep their approval[24:50]
Real friends remind you that who you are is enough; fake friends leave you feeling like you must always be someone else[24:28]

Sign 5: How they talk about others and the danger of gossip-based bonding

Gossip as a marker of future behavior

Fake friends constantly gossip, especially about people they call their friends[24:50]
Real friends may vent occasionally but don't undermine or betray someone's confidence[24:52]
Key behavioral cue: Gossip about others is future gossip about you[24:59]
Many people inadvertently use gossip as a way to bond because it is an easy, low-level form of connection[25:16]

Bhagavad Gita's three modes of relationship and connection

Jay references the Bhagavad Gita and a concept called the mode of ignorance: connecting over negativity, fear, anxiety, or mutual dislike[25:26]
Example: bonding because you both dislike the same person is a mode-of-ignorance relationship[25:28]
Next level up: mode of passion-bonding because you share similar goals (same workout goals, desire for success, etc.)[25:43]
Highest level: mode of goodness-connecting because you want to create peace, love, joy, and connection in each other's lives[25:56]
Jay urges caution about bonds built on gossip, which sit in the lowest mode[26:54]

Research on negative reciprocity and pseudo-intimacy

Research shows negative reciprocity: how people behave toward others is how they are likely to behave toward you[26:22]
Gossip creates shallow intimacy-feels like closeness because you share a secret, but it's about someone else not being there[26:31]
Psychologists call this pseudo-intimacy: quick surface-level closeness that doesn't last and isn't truly about you[26:40]
Gossip raises anxiety rather than providing safety; you wonder what they say about you when you are not present[27:49]
Gossip activates the brain's threat detection system, putting you on edge rather than at ease[27:02]
Trust theory suggests once you see someone betray another, you subconsciously categorize them as a potential betrayer[27:39]

Summary contrasts for Sign 5

Fake friends talk badly about others to get close to you; real friends talk about you to get close to you (focus on your life, not others' drama)[27:17]
Fake friends use gossip as the glue; real friends use honesty as the glue[27:29]
Fake friends share secrets that aren't theirs to share; real friends protect the secrets you trust them with[27:37]
Fake friends bond over tearing people down; real friends bond over building people up[28:50]
Fake friends leave you wondering what they say when you're absent; real friends make you confident they defend you when you are not in the room[28:58]

Sign 6: Wanting the best from you vs wanting the best for you; handling change and growth

Instrumental vs intrinsic relationships

Fake friends want the best from you-your usefulness, connections, status, or what you can offer them[28:44]
Real friends want the best for you, regardless of how useful you are to them[28:50]
Jay frames this as instrumental versus intrinsic relationships: shallow bonds are transactional, deeper ones are based on shared values[30:00]
A strong relationship is built on shared values and vision; if you share both, you have a powerful connection[28:46]
Fake friends may primarily want your connections or network and that's where their interest stops[30:00]
Real friends simply enjoy your company and want you to be happy[30:00]

How real and fake friends handle your change over time

Fake friends often disappear when you change; real friends grow with you and stay curious about your evolution[30:00]
Jay notes that people change across life stages-college, high school, marriage, parenthood, moving cities[29:22]
A real friend wants to know why and how you've changed, even if they don't share the same interests anymore[30:25]
Others may feel triggered or scared by your growth because they don't want to grow or are frightened by change[29:44]
Jay encourages compassion and patience for friends who are slower to grow; if you offer grace, they may catch up over time[29:24]
If you grow without extending patience, you may simply intimidate and scare people away[29:40]
Someone being scared of your growth does not automatically mean they can't be a good friend; it also depends on your patience with them[29:44]

Conclusion: Nuance, mutual responsibility, and using these principles

Friendship is not black-and-white real vs fake

Jay acknowledges he used the language of real vs fake friends for clarity, but reality is much less clear-cut[30:00]
Being a good friend requires as much from us as we expect from others[30:07]

What being a good friend demands from you

It requires understanding where people come from and why they behave as they do[30:10]
It involves having difficult conversations instead of silently resenting or disappearing[30:12]
Being a good friend means creating space for others to be honest and vulnerable with you[30:07]
Sometimes you must be three steps ahead and wait for someone; other times you are four steps behind and hope someone waits for you[30:16]

Closing encouragement

Jay hopes the principles he shared give listeners a better radar for friendship patterns[29:52]
He encourages sharing the episode with a real friend or with someone you're struggling with, to spark better conversation and connection[30:29]
Closes by saying he is forever in the listener's corner and always rooting for them[30:32]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

How people respond to your boundaries-especially your "no"-is one of the clearest indicators of whether a relationship is grounded in secure attachment and mutual respect or in insecurity and control.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life do I feel anxious or guilty about saying no, and how do the people around me typically react when I set a boundary?
  • • How might my relationships change if I treated respectful responses to my boundaries as a non-negotiable standard for closeness?
  • • What is one small boundary I can clearly communicate this week to test how someone responds and to protect my own peace?
2

Genuine friendships operate on generosity and communal norms rather than on scorekeeping and transactional "you owe me" thinking, which inevitably breeds resentment and competition.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In which relationships do I catch myself mentally tallying what I've given versus what I've received?
  • • How could shifting from a mindset of keeping score to one of gratitude for what others do change the tone of a key relationship in my life?
  • • What is one favor or act of support I can offer this week with zero expectation of return, purely to strengthen a bond?
3

A friend's reaction to your success-especially their immediate, unfiltered response-reveals whether they see your wins as shared joy or as a threat that activates envy and comparison.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Who in my life do I instinctively want to call when something good happens, and who do I hesitate to tell because I fear their reaction?
  • • How might I handle it differently when I notice envy in myself, so that it becomes a drive to learn from others instead of to resent them?
  • • What is one recent win I can intentionally share with someone I trust, paying attention to how supported I feel in that interaction?
4

Healthy friends accept and reflect your full, imperfect self instead of making you feel chronically "too much" or "not enough," and your willingness to invite honest feedback is part of what makes that depth possible.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In which relationships do I feel I have to edit or shrink myself to keep the peace or retain approval?
  • • How could I better distinguish between feedback meant to help me grow and comments meant to control or belittle me?
  • • What is one area where I can explicitly invite a trusted friend to give me honest, constructive feedback and show them I can handle it?
5

Bonds built on gossip and shared negativity create shallow pseudo-intimacy and long-term anxiety; relationships built on honesty, shared values, and defending each other in absence create real safety.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When I feel closest to certain people, is it because we're sharing our own lives or because we're criticizing others together?
  • • How might my sense of trust shift if I consciously stepped back from gossip-based conversations and steered them toward more meaningful topics?
  • • What is one concrete boundary I can set around gossip (for myself or with others) to move my friendships toward deeper, safer connection?
6

Real friends want the best for you, not just the best from you, and they are willing to adapt as you grow and change-while you also practice patience and grace for their different pace of growth.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Who seems most interested in my well-being regardless of what I can offer them, and who mainly shows up when they need something?
  • • How could I show more patience with friends who are intimidated or confused by my growth, without abandoning my own evolution?
  • • What is one conversation I could initiate this month to share how I'm changing and invite a friend to grow alongside me?

Episode Summary - Notes by Devon

Tired of One-Sided Friendships? (6 Signs to Know When To Walk Away)
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