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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Quinlan Walther: Stop Chasing Love Just Because You're Lonely! (Do THIS to Attract the RIGHT Relationship)

with Quinlan Walther

Published October 20, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Jay Shetty interviews relationship coach and writer Quinlan Walther about how to stop chasing love from a place of loneliness and instead build the self-trust and clarity needed to choose healthy relationships. They discuss the difference between wanting and being ready for a relationship, the four C's of self-trust, emotional safety and growth in partnership, compatibility versus chemistry, patterns rooted in childhood wounds, boundaries, and how to navigate heartbreak. The conversation emphasizes accountability, values-based decisions, and seeing love as an ongoing action rather than just a feeling.

Topics Covered

Romantic relationships Relationships Loneliness Self-esteem in relationships Boundaries Dating expectations Personal Development Grief and loss Trauma Breakups

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • Going "grocery shopping" for love when you're emotionally starving leads to desperate choices; build a life you like and self-understanding before seeking a relationship.
  • Self-trust is built through the four C's: curiosity, capacity, compassion, and commitment to the person you want to be.
  • Healthy relationships require emotional safety and a growth mindset, where feedback is interpreted as loving and collaborative rather than purely critical.
  • Compatibility is about shared core values and future vision, not identical interests, while chemistry alone cannot sustain a long-term partnership.
  • We often obsess over people who are emotionally unavailable and mistake that obsessive intensity for a meaningful spark.
  • Dating is about discernment, while marriage is about devotion; once committed, focus on cleaning up your side of the street before blaming your partner.
  • Boundaries are "I will/won't" rules for your own behavior, not threats to control others, and respecting them often means choosing self-respect over the fear of being alone.
  • Trying to hold someone accountable for changing rarely works; genuine change must be self-chosen and is just as hard for others as it is for us.
  • Heartbreak requires space to grieve and then reflection to see patterns, take accountability, and define what "moving on" would actually look like in daily life.
  • You can tell a lot about how much you love yourself by the partner and relationship dynamic you tolerate or choose.

Podcast Notes

Introduction and guest background

Jay introduces Quinlan Walther and her work

Jay shares his admiration for Quinlan's content and how they met[2:44]
• He has followed her for a couple of years, engages with her content, and met her while on tour before inviting her to the studio
Quinlan's mission and online impact[3:16]
• Jay describes her as a writer and relationship coach whose viral videos on dating, self-trust, and connection have reached millions worldwide
• He frames her work as helping people break unhealthy patterns, build deeper connections, and create safe, intentional, and fulfilling relationships

Framing the conversation around love and relationships

Audience demand for relationship guidance[3:42]
• Jay notes his audience is constantly trying to figure out love, relationships, and dating, calling it "the need of the hour"

Wanting a relationship vs being ready for one

Grocery shopping while starving metaphor

How desperation distorts choices in dating[4:07]
• Quinlan compares dating while emotionally starving to grocery shopping when you're starving: you grab the first exciting thing, not what you actually need
• When you seek connection from a void or desperation, it is like pouring into a "bottomless pit" that can't be fulfilled
Being clear on what you want and who you are[3:56]
• She emphasizes having a solid understanding of what you're looking for, how you love and support yourself, and the life you want to create
• The relationship should be an "added bonus" to a life you already like, not a way to fill an internal void

Healthy hunger vs starvation for love

Jay's reflection on the metaphor[5:26]
• Jay distinguishes between having an appetite for love (healthy hunger) and being starving, which drives poor decisions in both food and relationships

Dealing with loneliness and building self-trust

The emotional difficulty of loneliness and quick fixes

Why fast love is tempting[6:58]
• Jay notes loneliness, desperation, and feeling "not chosen" are so heavy that people run to quick solutions like fast food or "fast love" to curb the craving

The four C's of self-trust

Curiosity about self[7:02]
• You can't trust yourself if you don't know yourself; curiosity means asking why you do what you do, what you want, and your motives and feelings
Capacity: emotional flexibility and stability[7:41]
• Capacity is the ability to stay anchored in who you are while feeling big emotions like sadness, helplessness, anger, and overwhelm
Compassion toward self[8:26]
• Compassion means recognizing your humanity as a flawed person who sometimes makes poor decisions and meeting yourself with softness rather than shame
• Without self-compassion, it's hard to be compassionate with others, including romantic partners
Commitment to who you want to be[8:46]
• Commitment is your devotion to becoming who you want to be and building a life that feels fulfilling from within
• Quinlan says you can have the first three C's, but without commitment, "things go astray"

Relationships as vehicles for growth

You don't have to be "fully complete" before partnering

Jay's experience of evolving within marriage[8:56]
• Jay notes he thought he knew who he was when he met his wife, but has discovered and grown far more in the 12 years together than before
Healthy relationships will change you[10:06]
• Quinlan says any relationship will change you; healthy, safe, loving ones reflect back parts you haven't yet grown through or seen

Growth vs judgment in feedback

Example of partner asking for more presence[11:05]
• She uses an example of a partner saying "I miss you, you're not present"; if you lack a growth mindset you'll get defensive instead of seeing it as loving feedback
Need familiarity with self-growth before relational growth[11:37]
• Practicing the four C's alone builds awareness of what growth feels like, so when a relationship asks you to grow, it feels more familiar and less threatening

Emotional safety, feedback, and expectations

Relationships as sources of pleasure vs growth

Initial expectations of relationships[11:44]
• Jay observes people enter relationships seeking pleasure, joy, relief, and companionship, not growth, even though relationships end up demanding growth

Emotional safety and character in partners

Defining emotional safety[14:33]
• Emotional safety is being able to trust your partner's intentions when they give feedback, believing it's for the greater good of the connection
Looking at character early in dating[14:59]
• Quinlan advises assessing how someone treats friends and family, their integrity and kindness, because that character will carry into the relationship

Reasonable vs unreasonable requests

Black-and-white thinking as a red flag[16:25]
• If a partner connects a few missed tasks to "you must not love me" and refuses nuance, Quinlan calls that unreasonable and ego-driven
Holding nuance in conflict[16:53]
• A more reasonable approach acknowledges hurt and the other's finite capacity, and asks collaboratively how to prioritize the relationship without demanding perfection

Dependency, accountability, and adult partnerships

Love vs dependency and parent-child dynamics

Expectation that needs be met without communication[19:04]
• Quinlan says expecting a partner to anticipate and meet all unspoken needs is dependency and like a parent-child dynamic, not an adult partnership

Starting with accountability

Looking at your side of the street first[20:12]
• She emphasizes taking stock of where you are not showing up as the partner you want to be, and then co-creating changes together rather than only critiquing your partner

Dating burnout, expectations, and bringing fun back

Options when you're exhausted by dating

Stopping vs shifting expectations[24:52]
• Quinlan says you can either stop dating and take a breather, or shift expectations so every first date isn't treated like an interview for a future spouse
Choosing the energy you bring[25:08]
• She suggests going into dates aiming to enjoy yourself and have fun rather than anticipating another disappointment

Effort, compliments, and disappointment

Example of a woman feeling unseen on a first date[24:55]
• Jay shares a friend's story of putting effort into getting ready, only to feel unappreciated when her date didn't compliment her or engage meaningfully

Bringing back flirting

Flirting as low-stakes fun[27:17]
• Quinlan says we lost the art of flirting and wants to "bring back flirting" as playful, low-stakes interaction that doesn't have to lead to anything
Shift from texting to in-person conversation[28:08]
• They note most flirting now happens over text, making the transition to substantive in-person conversation harder

Sparks, chemistry, and obsession

Is the spark real and does it matter?

Quinlan's view on the spark[28:21]
• She believes the spark is real and matters, but it changes over time as novelty wears off
• There should be some immediate attraction and a desire to be physically closer and get to know them more, but it doesn't have to be overwhelming fireworks

When the spark misleads

Obsession with unavailable people[29:58]
• Quinlan says "we only obsess over people who aren't fully available to us" and that obsession can be mistaken for a spark
• The gap between who they are and who they could be becomes a projection of how you imagine you'd feel if the fantasy relationship were real

Chemistry vs compatibility and values

Defining compatibility beyond similarity

Values and future vision as core compatibility[31:37]
• Quinlan distinguishes compatibility from having the same hobbies; she defines it as aligning on how you value time, attention, and energy around major life areas like family and long-term partnership
"Don't order what's not on the menu"[33:02]
• If someone says work is their top priority, she warns not to order what's not on the menu by expecting them to change that core value

Chemistry as magic but not foundation

What chemistry looks like[34:23]
• Chemistry can be quiet intimacy, banter, shared humor, or strong physical attraction, but she stresses it will not, on its own, build a long-term partnership

Plenty of fish mindset, control, and commitment

When someone seems detached because of "options"

Choosing partners who value commitment[38:46]
• If someone is easily distracted by other "fish in the sea" and you feel you must control them, Quinlan says it's not love and likely not a relationship you can build on
Danger of chasing and convincing[40:16]
• Chasing someone and trying to prove they'd be happy if they chose you often leads to losing yourself, which is what you were trying to avoid

Childhood wounds, tolerating bad behavior, and self-accountability

Tolerating bad behavior from people you're really into

Different standards based on attraction level[41:00]
• Jay notes people tolerate unreliability from someone they're very into but call it a red flag if it's from someone they're only mildly interested in

Quinlan's personal pattern rooted in childhood

Chasing partial attention[41:38]
• Quinlan describes accepting 50% attention from someone and working to "earn" the rest, tolerating hurt and disrespect to prove she could be chosen
Testing stable partners[43:03]
• In stable relationships she would rebel and test partners to prove she was hard to love so she could then earn their love again, repeating a childhood pattern
Reaching rock bottom and deciding to change[44:50]
• She says she became a "shell" of herself, losing confidence, tolerating awful behavior, and eventually got sick of her own cycles and pain
• That motivated her to start making value-based decisions, soothing herself instead of chasing or begging, and learning to respond rather than react

Grief, repairing with a parent, and self-healing

Losing her mother and repairing before death

Mother-daughter dynamic and core beliefs[46:38]
• Quinlan links her "choose me" wound to her relationship with her mother, who died of cancer in 2019
• Before her mother passed, they had deeply honest conversations that created safety and space, and allowed her to feel seen and chosen in a new way
Using grief as a catalyst for change[48:24]
• She realized she had been seeking evidence everywhere that she was hard to love, and her mother's death plus hitting rock bottom pushed her to stop taking those beliefs as fact

Healing without parental repair

You don't need your parent to heal[49:28]
• Quinlan emphasizes it's a blessing that her mother was willing to meet her, but says you don't need parental repair to heal; you can meet yourself in the ways you wish a parent would
Carrying parental wounds into romantic conflict[50:37]
• The validations you wish you'd received from a parent-like acceptance or pride-often show up as unmet needs in romantic conflict
• In a safe relationship, you can share these beliefs and realize, for example, you interpreted "I'll be home two hours late" as "I don't love you," allowing reprogramming through honest dialogue

Jay's relationship patterns and shared accountability

Jay's pattern of overlove and guilt

Overloving and scoreboard dynamics[51:42]
• Jay recalls being overloved earlier in life and then made to feel guilty for not reciprocating, a pattern he repeated by overloving his wife and guilting her for not matching it
• His wife pulled away, telling him she didn't ask him to overlove and that she was loving him, just not in his exact preferred way
Realizations that shifted the pattern[53:15]
• A key moment was his wife saying she didn't know what she could ever do to make him happy, making him realize that even if she did everything he asked, it wouldn't be enough
• He also recognized that when he went above and beyond, it was often self-inflicted effort she never asked for, and he was not present enough to see what she truly wanted

Example of vacation planning and perceived unfairness

Jay's complaint and his wife's response[54:55]
• Jay felt he always planned vacations and never got a break, but his wife pointed out that when she plans, he criticizes the schedule, whereas she just enjoys what he plans
• He realized his own rigidity was part of the problem and found their relationship improves most when each takes responsibility for their own growth rather than telling the other how to change

Self-love, partner choice, and reflecting on your relationship

Question: what does your partner say about your self-love?

Reflection prompt about feeling compliment or insult[59:02]
• Quinlan poses a question: how would you feel if someone said they can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you've chosen-does it feel like a compliment or an insult?
• She is not judging the relationship, but invites reflection on whether your choices reflect self-love or tolerating unloving treatment

Advice for married people who feel disconnected

Dating is discernment, marriage is devotion[1:00:50]
• Quinlan says, "Dating is about discernment, not devotion; devotion is to be saved for marriage or long-term partnerships"
First, clean up your side of the street[1:02:13]
• She advises envisioning the relationship you want, then asking how you can add more of that yourself-appreciation, effort, warmth-before confronting your spouse
Collaborative reconnection conversation[1:02:20]
• She suggests saying you feel distant and asking, "Can we come up with a plan to reconnect? What do you want more of? Here's what I want more of"

Accountability vs trying to change someone

Limits of holding others accountable

Change must be self-chosen[1:02:58]
• Quinlan says she doesn't think we can truly hold people accountable or force them to change; we can raise issues, but change depends on their internal desire
Empathy for how hard change is[1:04:54]
• Jay notes people expect change to be easy for others while knowing it's very hard for themselves, and suggests using that awareness to build empathy instead of resentment

Red flag hunting vs becoming a good partner

The problem with always playing detective

Focusing only on spotting flaws in others[1:05:08]
• Jay critiques the trend of focusing solely on spotting red flags, which casts you as perpetual detective and the other as villain, ignoring your own flaws

Being the other half of the relationship you want

Matching your desired partner's qualities[1:07:11]
• Quinlan says if you want a peaceful, emotionally intelligent, patient partner, you need to be the other half of that dynamic-patient, kind, and calm yourself

Boundaries: who gets upset and how to set them

Who reacts badly to your boundaries

Only those who benefited from no boundaries[1:10:17]
• Quinlan states, "The only people who are upset with your boundaries are the very same people who directly benefit from you not having any"
• She argues someone who loves you wants you to have limits and maintain your finite energy, whereas self-centered people will push past them

Boundaries protect you from yourself

Definition: "I will/won't" statements[1:10:27]
• A boundary is "I will or won't blank if blank"-for example, "I won't participate in this conversation if you yell at me"
• Boundaries are rules for your own behavior, not threats like "you better not"; they are for you to respect, including walking away when a line is crossed
Choosing self-respect over being chosen[1:11:35]
• She says you must choose your self-respect over your desire to be chosen or your fear of being alone, which is very hard but essential

The one, soulmates, and being your partner's biggest fan

Is there such a thing as "the one"?

Quinlan's definition of the one[1:14:13]
• She says the one is the person you choose whose essence complements yours so that love and growth are "a little bit easier"

Being your partner's biggest fan

Desire for their growth and joy[1:16:35]
• Quinlan insists you need to be your person's biggest fan-if you don't want their dreams to come true or them to be their happiest, you shouldn't promise a lifetime with them
• She highlights wanting someone in your corner on your worst and best days, and feeling you're on the same team

Love as action vs feeling and wedding vows vs marriage

Love as willingness and daily action

Distinguishing love the feeling from love the action[1:18:12]
• Quinlan defines love as action as willingness to learn how someone wants to be loved, to show up when you feel the least loving, and to notice small things like mood shifts
• She contrasts grand claims like "I would die for my partner" with simple behaviors like putting your phone down when they talk about their day

Wedding planning vs building a marriage

Effort mismatch between vows and skills[1:19:39]
• Jay notes people spend huge effort planning weddings and writing vows, but comparatively little on developing the skills to live up to those vows

Idea vs reality of a partner and honoring the person you love

Are you in love with them or the idea of them?

Assessing the gap between fantasy and reality[1:21:01]
• Quinlan suggests comparing how you wish they would be with how they actually are, and how wide that gap is, to see if you love them or just the idea
Allowing your partner to be themselves[1:22:41]
• She asks: if you allow them to be exactly who they want to be, without molding or controlling them, does that help you feel more or less like the person you want to be in the kind of relationship you want?

Remembering loving someone is an honor

Reframing annoyances through appreciation[1:24:04]
• Quinlan encourages remembering it's an honor to love someone through many seasons-watching them do mundane things, supporting them in loss and joy-and that this perspective can diminish petty complaints

Readiness for marriage: partner vs spouse mindset

Asking: do I want to be a partner or have a spouse?

Accountability and co-creation[1:25:22]
• Quinlan's question distinguishes wanting the status of a spouse from wanting to be a partner who shares responsibility for co-creating the marriage and life ahead

Misaligned seasons and staying connected

Analogy of walking and running at different paces[1:26:45]
• She references Matthew McConaughey's idea that sometimes one partner is walking while the other is running, and the key is ensuring neither gets too far ahead of the other
• Jay adds his driving-separately analogy where both are headed to the same event at different speeds but keep communicating about where they are and how they'll meet

Emotional communication differences in couples

When one partner wants deep emotional talk and the other resists

Adjustments required on both sides[1:28:07]
• Quinlan says both partners must adjust: the talkative one must accept imperfect words, and the reserved one needs to stretch into discomfort and try

Example of explicit scripting in a long marriage

Aunt and uncle's communication strategy[1:29:35]
• Her uncle says his secret is: "She tells me what she wants to hear, and I repeat it back to her"; her aunt explicitly asks for reassurances like "tell me you've got it covered"
• Quinlan counters the idea that saying what you need someone to say diminishes its value, arguing that direct communication followed by choosing the loving thing is powerful

Handling heartbreak and rebuilding self-trust

First step after a painful breakup

Allowing grief before self-work[1:31:58]
• Quinlan says step one is to grieve; after a long relationship you don't have to do anything well at first-you can just be in the acute heartbreak

Reflection and accountability

Challenging harsh breakup narratives[1:32:48]
• Common self-talk like "they left me, I must be disposable" is very harsh; she encourages looking for nuance: what red flags were there, how did you contribute, what did you ignore?
Realizing not everyone who leaves is your person[1:34:24]
• She believes most relationships can be worked out if both are willing; if someone isn't willing to try, they're not your person

Defining what "moving on" means

Imagining life after you've moved on[1:36:18]
• Instead of obsessively trying to move on as a destination, she suggests imagining waking up tomorrow fully moved on and asking: how would I spend my time, who would I be with, what would I think about?
• Then, start doing those things now while bringing the grief with you, accepting it's slower than you'd like but giving yourself direction

Thinking about heartbreak as gradual lessening

Jay's example of frequency decreasing over months[1:38:03]
• Jay describes a client who talked about a breakup daily in month one, every other day in month two, weekly in month three, and monthly in month five, showing progress is about thinking about it less, not never

Loosening absolute self-beliefs after heartbreak

Adding question marks to harsh stories[1:39:57]
• Quinlan suggests taking absolutist beliefs like "I'm difficult to love" and adding a question mark to become "I'm difficult to love?" to create space for alternative narratives
• She emphasizes that someone choosing not to love you is not evidence that you are unlovable

Final five: rapid-fire reflections on love and integrity

Best love advice she's received

Do the loving thing and choose appreciation[1:41:50]
• Her best advice is to "do the loving thing" and choose appreciation, implying you can often pick a more loving response in conflict or daily interactions

Worst love advice she's heard

"Match their energy" criticism[1:42:28]
• She calls "match their energy" the worst advice, arguing that two wrongs don't make a right and that matching negativity hands over your power and adds more negativity

Beliefs about love she no longer holds

Love the feeling is not enough[1:42:14]
• Quinlan used to believe love the feeling was enough, like a fantastical force that would make everything better, but now sees the necessity of intentional action and work

Value she used to hold that changed

Needing to be understood[1:42:36]
• She no longer values being understood by everyone, recognizing people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves, and it's okay to accept disagreement or misunderstanding

One law she'd have everyone follow

Live within your integrity[1:43:40]
• Her ideal universal law is that everyone must figure out what integrity means to them-what kind of person they strive to be-and act consistently from that place

Closing remarks and calls to reflect

Invitation to share reflections

Jay encourages listeners to apply insights[1:39:07]
• Jay invites listeners to tag both of them with what resonated most, and to share the episode with friends at different stages of their love and romance journeys

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Seeking a relationship from a place of emotional starvation leads to desperate choices; build self-trust and a life you like so that a relationship becomes an added bonus rather than a void-filler.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What situations in my past relationships show that I was "starving" for connection instead of approaching dating from a grounded place?
  • • How could I start investing daily in a life I genuinely enjoy, so that a future relationship enhances rather than completes it?
  • • What is one concrete step I can take this week to strengthen my self-trust before I swipe, text, or go on another date?
2

Self-trust grows through curiosity about yourself, emotional capacity, self-compassion, and a committed devotion to who you want to become.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life do I avoid being curious about my motives, fears, or desires because the answers might be uncomfortable?
  • • How do I typically respond to big emotions, and what small practice could help me stay more anchored when I feel overwhelmed?
  • • What is one commitment I'm willing to make for the next 30 days that aligns with the kind of person and partner I want to be?
3

Compatibility in values and future vision matters more for long-term partnership than intense chemistry or surface-level similarity.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When I think of my ideal relationship, what top three values (like family, growth, stability, adventure) genuinely matter most to me?
  • • How could I change the questions I ask early in dating so that I'm discerning values and vision, not just enjoying chemistry and banter?
  • • What current or past connection am I holding onto mostly because of chemistry, even though our values or life trajectories clearly clash?
4

Boundaries are about how you will act, not how others must behave, and honoring them often means choosing self-respect over the fear of being abandoned or alone.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In which relationship do I most often say I have a boundary but then fail to act on it when it's crossed?
  • • How might my life and self-respect improve if I consistently followed through on just one key "I will/won't" boundary for the next month?
  • • What fear comes up when I imagine actually walking away or disengaging when my boundary is violated, and how can I support myself through that fear?
5

Healthy conflict and feedback require emotional safety and nuance: assume good intentions where warranted, listen for the deeper request, and clean up your side of the street before criticizing your partner.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What is a recent argument where I focused mainly on what my partner did wrong instead of examining how I contributed to the dynamic?
  • • How could I communicate my hurt or disappointment in a way that honors both my needs and my partner's finite emotional capacity?
  • • What is one specific behavior I can start practicing in conflict (e.g., pausing, paraphrasing what I heard, asking a clarifying question) to create more safety for both of us?
6

Heartbreak is best navigated by allowing grief, then reflecting on patterns and rewriting harsh, absolute stories into more nuanced narratives while moving toward the life you'd live once you've healed.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What absolute beliefs about myself or love (such as "I'm unlovable" or "no one stays") did my last breakup seem to confirm?
  • • If I woke up tomorrow fully "moved on," how would my days look different-the people I'd see, the habits I'd keep, the thoughts I'd entertain less?
  • • What is one small aspect of that imagined post-heartbreak life I can start implementing this week, even if I still feel sad or attached?

Episode Summary - Notes by Taylor

Quinlan Walther: Stop Chasing Love Just Because You're Lonely! (Do THIS to Attract the RIGHT Relationship)
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