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The Mel Robbins Podcast

How to Deal with Difficult People & Not Get Stressed Out

Published November 17, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Mel Robbins explains her "Let Them Theory" as a framework for handling difficult and emotionally immature people, especially within families, without losing your peace or power. She emphasizes that you cannot change other people, only your own responses, and that most adults behave like emotionally overwhelmed children when triggered. Through research-backed insights and concrete tools, she teaches how to accept people as they are, manage your own emotional reactions, set practical boundaries, and create healthier family dynamics.

Topics Covered

Relationships Boundaries Family patterns Anxiety Mental health Personal development Therapy Self-talk Change and loss

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Quick Takeaways

  • You cannot change other people; they only change when they are ready to change for themselves, so your power lies in changing your own attitudes and responses.
  • Most adults react to emotional discomfort with the maturity of an eight-year-old, because emotional development often stops unless someone actively works on it.
  • The "Let Them Theory" means letting people be exactly who they are (and who they are not), and redirecting your energy into "Let Me"-what you can control about yourself.
  • Venting and rehashing grievances does not release anger; research shows it actually reinforces and intensifies it, making you more likely to get angry in the future.
  • Emotional reactions are automatic biological surges that last about 90 seconds if you do not feed them with ruminating thoughts or reactive behavior.
  • Clarifying your intention before family events (for example, "I'm here to be with family") helps you drop the need to fix or control others and simply go with the flow.
  • Practical boundaries around time (how long you stay) and topics (what you will and won't discuss) are powerful ways to protect your peace while still showing up.
  • Accepting that family members may never become who you wish they were allows you to stop bracing for conflict and instead plan ways to bring positive, connecting energy.
  • One person changing how they show up-by being less reactive, more accepting, and more boundaried-can positively shift the entire family system.
  • Most people have never done the emotional work to understand themselves, so they are often incapable of giving you the kind of support you deserve; recognizing this helps you let go of unrealistic expectations.

Podcast Notes

Introduction and framing the problem of difficult people

Common difficult personalities in close relationships

Description of emotionally immature and difficult people[0:24]
• Mel lists controlling, disrespectful, manipulative, self-centered, and passive-aggressive people as examples of difficult personalities, often within your own family.
• She notes many listeners may be heading to family gatherings, weddings, holidays, or in-laws' dinners and are already bracing themselves mentally.
Instinct to fix other people as a source of stress[1:41]
• Mel reflects that the deep desire to fix others may be what keeps you stuck and stressed rather than making things better.
• Writing chapter seven of her Let Them Theory book forced her to realize she had understood relationships and family incorrectly.

Misunderstanding love as control

How people confuse love with managing and changing others[1:41]
• She explains that if you think love means managing, changing, or knowing what's best for everyone, controlling outcomes, or ensuring everyone is happy, you likely misunderstand relationships.
• She points out that many people do everything for others except the one thing they truly need to do: let people be who they are and who they are not.

Why difficult family dynamics are so emotionally draining

Difficult people within families and the link to closeness

Most family drama is about closeness, not conflict[5:55]
• Mel says people want to feel connected and close, which is why tension and disconnection feel so frustrating.
• Because people don't know how to ask for closeness or clear up emotional garbage, their frustration "leaks out sideways" as control, guilt, sarcasm, silence, alliances, eye rolls, and passive-aggressive digs.
How misunderstanding the root issues keeps you stuck[7:14]
• If you don't understand what's really happening underneath people's behavior, you'll keep trying to fix the behavior or the dynamic instead of addressing your own patterns.
• She notes common reactions: people-pleasing, shutting down, over-explaining, getting tense, or not feeling like yourself around certain people.

Two core truths about other people

Truth #1: You cannot change other people[7:32]
• Mel states firmly that other people only change when they are ready to change for themselves, and trying to change them often creates more tension.
Truth #2: Emotional immaturity is universal[7:52]
• She argues that emotional immaturity is present in everyone and describes every adult as essentially an eight-year-old in a big body.
• Adults throw tantrums, and understanding this can transform how you view and respond to difficult behavior.

Overview of the Let Them Theory

Definition and core rule of the Let Them Theory

Core principle: Give up control to gain control[9:17]
• The Let Them Theory says the more control you give up-specifically trying to control other people-the more control you gain over your own life.
• You must stop trying to control other people's thoughts, actions, opinions, and expectations.
Let Them vs. Let Me[9:33]
• "Let them" means letting people have their thoughts, opinions, behaviors, and expectations, even if you don't like them.
• "Let me" means taking back your time and energy to focus on yourself and what truly matters to you.

How Let Them can improve even difficult relationships

Let Them as a path to compassion and boundaries[11:07]
• Mel reads from her book that using Let Them as a boundary makes you more compassionate because you realize most people lack tools to manage their emotions maturely.
• With Let Them, you respond with compassion, set boundaries, and stop letting other people's emotional immaturity run your life.
One person can change a family system[12:06]
• She emphasizes that when one person changes how they show up, an entire family system can change for the better, and that person can be you.

Truth #1 in depth: You can't change other people

Recognizing unchangeable patterns in others

Examples of people who won't change[15:45]
• She asks listeners to think of someone who is always angry or always in a negative state, who prefers griping and complaining over being present.
• No amount of tiptoeing, bending over backwards, or trying to make them happy will turn them into a calm, present, peaceful person.
Letting them be who they are[15:27]
• Her advice is: let them be negative, let them be like a human porcupine, let them bring their emotional baggage, let them complain and ignore the people who love them.
• Your job is not to fix them but to recognize and accept who they are, and then decide how much of your peace you allow their behavior to steal.

Why we confuse love with control: Parenting as a model

How being parented wires you to control others[16:53]
• Parents control many aspects of children's lives-sleep, food, schedules, punishments-and shape behavior through control.
• As kids, we learn that love looks like someone telling us what to do, steering our life, and punishing us when we don't comply.
How this plays out in adult relationships[18:52]
• As adults, we unconsciously show love by trying to change and fix others, telling them what to do, and believing we know what's best for them.
• Mel states this is not love, but parenting and control; real love is seeing and accepting someone as they are and for who they are not.

The trap of conditional love and fantasy versions of family

The "if only" loop as judgment, not love[20:22]
• Thinking "if only they got in shape" or "if only they stopped dating losers" or "if only she didn't use that tone" keeps you in a loop of judgment, not love.
• Let Them is not about giving up but about unlearning old wiring and accepting the reality of who someone is instead of clinging to a fantasy.
Fantasy family vs. real family[20:44]
• She notes you often walk into family gatherings with a fantasy of the family you wish you had, but what you actually encounter is stressed, reactive, maxed-out humans.
• Let Them forces you to be in the relationship as it is, rather than constantly resisting it because you wish it were something else.

Truth #2 in depth: Adults as eight-year-olds in big bodies

Therapist insight: Adults' emotional maturity often stalls

Therapist's metaphor of second graders in big bodies[29:49]
• Mel's therapist, Dr. Ann Davin, told her that most adults are just eight-year-old children inside big bodies.
• Anne advised Mel to imagine the second-grade version of a difficult person being present in the room when that person's behavior triggers her.

Parallels between child and adult behavior

Avoidance, shutdown, and tantrums[31:26]
• When children are flooded with emotion they may run away, avoid, or shut down; adults do the same through avoidance, stoicism, and emotional withdrawal.
• Children and adults both slam doors, lie, and throw tantrums; adult tantrums show up as screaming, rage texts, or venting outbursts.

Biology of emotional flooding

Stress response and emotional flooding[34:28]
• When someone feels emotionally flooded, the stress response and amygdala hijack kick in, releasing adrenaline and cortisol in a nanosecond.
• This survival mode causes heart rate to spike, muscles to tense, vision to narrow, and rational thought to go offline before logic and maturity can engage.
Why adults overreact to small triggers[34:06]
• Adults who have never developed emotional regulation skills react from this flooded state: snapping, sulking, rolling eyes, lashing out, or retreating to their phone.
• Mel notes this is confusing because when kids flop on the floor, you expect it, but when grown-ups do emotional versions of this, it creates greater chaos.

Hosting dynamics, expectations, and going with the flow

Psychology of the host and the guest

Host's emotional needs and stress[38:17]
• Mel explains that hosts typically want to care for everyone and feel appreciated for their effort, regardless of how elaborate the event is.
• She notes that hosting is stressful: people arriving, groceries everywhere, pets, and logistics can easily overwhelm a host's nervous system.
How guests inadvertently trigger hosts' inner child[39:30]
• Examples include bringing lots of extra groceries, rearranging the fridge, refolding napkins, or bringing your own mattress, which can feel to the host like their plan wasn't good enough.
• These actions can unconsciously trigger the host's eight-year-old self who wanted to be noticed and told they did a good job.

Using DBT-style intention setting before events

Clarifying your why before you walk in[40:43]
• Mel shares a tool from dialectical behavioral therapy: before entering, ask yourself why you are going to the event.
• If your answer is "I'm here to be with my family," then you don't need to fix anything; you just need to go with the flow, be kind, flexible, and say thank you.

Why venting doesn't work and how it backfires

Typical reaction: venting about family members

Common venting scenarios at family gatherings[47:05]
• When someone in the family starts sulking, huffing, or giving the silent treatment, people often go to another room, call a friend, or walk with a partner to vent.
• Venting feels good in the moment because it seems like releasing tension and affirming that others are "crazy" and you are right.

Research on venting and anger

Meta-analysis showing venting increases anger[49:08]
• Mel cites a 2024 meta-analysis from Ohio State that reviewed 154 anger studies and found no evidence that venting reduces anger.
• Instead, venting often makes people angrier; each rant is a "mental rep" that helps the brain memorize outrage and makes anger easier to trigger next time.

The social dynamics of venting and misery

Why venting feels connecting but can spread anger[51:04]
• Research from UCLA shows that listening to a friend vent can make you feel closer because of the trust involved, but it can also pull you into shared misery.
• Mel notes that when someone vents, they often want the listener to get angry too, spreading the emotional load instead of resolving it.

How venting about a loved one's partner can backfire

Example: Disliking a family member's boyfriend or girlfriend[53:06]
• If you constantly vent about a sibling's or friend's partner, even without saying it directly, they feel the judgment and tension.
• The more they sense you are against their person, the more likely they are to cling to that partner and distance themselves from you and the family.
Letting them be with the person they chose[54:17]
• Mel advises to stop venting and instead let your family member be with their partner, even if you don't like them, so you don't push your loved one away.
• She suggests staying neutral and intentional, rather than faking enthusiasm, so you can maintain closeness with your relative.

Practical conversational tool: neutral questions

Using neutral questions to set tone and reduce tension[54:50]
• Mel recommends arriving with two neutral, positive questions prepared, such as "What's something you're looking forward to in the next 90 days?"
• Even if the person shrugs or says "I don't know," you can let them be and return to your intention of being there to spend time with family.

Recognizing when you are the difficult person and managing your emotions

Owning your own emotional reactivity

Admitting that you sometimes are the one reacting[58:31]
• Mel notes that sometimes you are the one snapping, pouting, or being easily offended, and in those moments, you are the difficult person.
• She describes the familiar feeling of leaving a family visit asking, "Why do they get to me?" and being exhausted not only by others' behavior but by your own reactions.

The 90-second rule of emotions

Neuroscience finding about emotional surges[59:11]
• Referencing Harvard-trained neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, Mel shares that emotions are chemical surges that last about 90 seconds if you don't feed them.
• If you allow the surge to rise and fall without reacting or ruminating, the emotion dissipates instead of escalating.
How feeding emotions makes them spiral[1:00:20]
• If someone offends you and you start thinking "How dare they?" and replaying past patterns, you intensify and grip the emotion instead of letting it pass.
• Feeding the emotion leads to fights, getting offended, or emotional shutdowns, rather than calm responses.

Using Let Them and Let Me for emotional self-regulation and boundaries

Accepting that emotional reactions are automatic but responses are chosen

Distinction between reaction and response[1:02:32]
• Mel emphasizes you cannot control your initial emotional reaction-it's biological and automatic-just as you cannot control other people's emotional surges.
• However, you can always choose what you think, say, or do in response to your emotions or others' behavior; that choice is the source of your power.

Example: Hurtful comments about relationships or visits

Handling intrusive or guilt-inducing questions[1:04:11]
• She describes an aunt asking "Have you met anybody yet?" or a grandparent saying "I never see you" or "You haven't been here in a year" as examples of comments that can trigger shame or anger.
• Knowing such comments are likely allows you to expect them, remember Let Them, pause, breathe, and refuse to give them more power than they deserve.

Clarifying your values and reasons for attending

Deciding whether to go at all[1:05:37]
• Mel says if you truly hate your family or the environment is that bad, you don't have to go; big gatherings are not the time to unpack years of unresolved issues.
• If you do go, you should do so aligned with your values (for example, making an effort with family), and focus on showing up, not fixing everything.

Boundaries using Let Them and Let Me: time and topics

Let Them and Let Me as boundary frameworks

Let Them as a boundary between you and others[1:07:25]
• Saying "let them" creates an internal boundary that signals your job is not to fix, control, or change others, but to see them as they are.
Let Me as responsibility for your own behavior[1:08:14]
• "Let me" directs your attention to what you can control: your time, energy, responses, and choices about participation.

Boundary #1: Time

Deciding duration and logistics that work for you[1:08:52]
• You can choose how long you stay, which events you attend, whether you stay in a hotel or on-site, and what your personal time limits are.
• Mel shares that her own family has a three-day rule: after about three days together, things tend to fall apart, so three days acts as a useful time boundary.

Boundary #2: Topics

Choosing what you will and won't discuss[1:10:55]
• You can decide not to engage in debates or topics that leave you drained, angry, or self-silencing, such as politics or ongoing family conflicts.
Example of redirecting a boundary-crossing topic[1:11:19]
• In response to a listener whose divorced mother always trashes the father, Mel suggests saying, "Mom, I don't want to hear about Dad. I'm not available to talk about it, so let's talk about something else."
• If someone crosses your line, you can calmly redirect with phrases like "I don't want to get into that today. Let's talk about your garden."

Diffusing conflict and proactively shaping family energy

Using language that shuts down arguments

Phrase: "I see the facts differently"[1:14:00]
• Mel uses the line "I see the facts differently" when someone tries to pick an argument; it signals the topic is not up for debate.
• The phrase is simple, firm, respectful, and confident, and it avoids escalating into a factual or emotional fight.

Shifting from bracing for conflict to embracing reality

Recognizing stable patterns instead of bracing[1:15:33]
• If someone is narcissistic, self-centered, or always a victim, Mel advises to let them be that way and stop bracing as if they might suddenly act differently.
• By expecting people to be who they have always been, you reduce surprise and can plan how to manage your own energy instead of being blindsided.

Bringing proactive, connecting energy to gatherings

Planning activities that spread out emotional energy[1:17:13]
• Mel suggests bringing puzzles, card games, thoughtful questions, or outing ideas (like a corn maze or museum) to give the group something engaging to focus on.
• Even if people initially roll their eyes at a puzzle, many end up gathering around and participating, which diffuses tension and redirects attention.

Acceptance, limited time with family, and changing the system by changing yourself

Choosing acceptance or distance with family

Accepting family as they are vs. wishing for a fairy tale[1:18:24]
• Mel says you must decide whether to accept family as they are or create the distance you need, rather than endlessly blaming or resenting them.
• She notes that most family life is not a fairy tale and that people are doing the best they can with their experiences and resources.

Your work on yourself changes relationships

Improving yourself improves your relationships[1:18:55]
• Anytime you improve yourself-how you manage emotions, set boundaries, and show up-it improves all of your relationships, especially with family.
• Mel shares that what used to bother her doesn't stress her out anymore because she no longer gets sucked into drama and focuses instead on living a life she is proud of.

Limited time with loved ones and realistic expectations

Recognizing parents' limitations and mortality[1:20:55]
• She reminds listeners that parents will not be here forever and that this is their first time being human too.
• Most people have not gone to therapy, examined their issues, or done emotional work, so they cannot meet you more deeply than they've met themselves.
Letting parents and family be less than you deserved[1:22:52]
• Mel says you can let your parents be less than what you deserved and let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale, while still recognizing you deserved to be seen and loved.
• She stresses that acknowledging this doesn't excuse bad behavior but helps you reclaim power over what you do now.

Letting go of control and reclaiming your power

Letting them as an act of clear seeing[1:22:26]
• When you say "let them," you see your family as human and accept that you cannot change who they are or what has happened.
• Accepting reality is not surrender; it's reclaiming your power to shape your own future based on how you choose to respond now.

Closing encouragement and disclaimer

Encouragement about your power to change dynamics

Belief in listener's ability to change[1:23:56]
• Mel tells listeners she loves them, believes in them, and believes they can use these tools to handle difficult people while maintaining peace and compassion.

Legal and professional disclaimer

Clarification of educational purpose[1:17:50]
• Mel states the podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes, she is not a licensed therapist, and it is not a substitute for professional advice.

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

You cannot change other people; your power lies in changing your own expectations, interpretations, and responses to their behavior.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life am I still secretly trying to change someone instead of adjusting my own expectations and behavior?
  • • How might my relationship with a difficult family member shift if I fully accepted that they may never change?
  • • What is one concrete response pattern I can alter this week (for example, not engaging in certain arguments) to reclaim my power in a challenging relationship?
2

Most adults react from an emotionally immature, "eight-year-old" place when triggered, so your job is to stay in your adult self rather than matching their reactivity.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When I think about the last conflict I had, at what moment did I start reacting like a younger, less mature version of myself?
  • • How could imagining the "second-grade" version of a difficult person help me respond with more compassion and less defensiveness?
  • • What specific grounding practice (like pausing, breathing, or stepping away) can I commit to using the next time someone in my family throws an adult tantrum?
3

Venting and rehearsing grievances feel satisfying but actually rehearse anger in your nervous system, making you more reactive over time.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What situations or people do I most often vent about, and how do I feel afterward-calmer or more agitated?
  • • How might my emotional life change if, instead of venting, I used that time to journal, move my body, or talk about solutions?
  • • The next time I'm tempted to call someone just to rant, what alternative outlet could I try that doesn't replay the story and reload the anger?
4

Emotional reactions are automatic and short-lived if you don't feed them; learning to ride out the 90-second wave gives you space to choose a better response.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What physical sensations tell me that a strong emotion has just been triggered in my body?
  • • How could I remind myself in the moment, "This will pass in about 90 seconds if I don't fuel it," when I feel offended or hurt?
  • • In what recurring situation could I practice simply noticing my emotional surge, breathing through it, and delaying my reaction by at least one minute?
5

Simple, internal boundaries around time and topics-combined with a clear intention for why you're showing up-allow you to protect your peace while still participating in family life.

Reflection Questions:

  • • How much time with my family (or specific relatives) feels genuinely manageable before I start to get depleted or reactive?
  • • Which conversation topics reliably leave me feeling drained, and what phrases could I use to gently redirect or decline those discussions?
  • • Before my next family event, how can I clarify my intention (for example, "to be present with my siblings") and use that as a filter for what I will and won't engage in?

Episode Summary - Notes by Finley

How to Deal with Difficult People & Not Get Stressed Out
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