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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Jays Must Listens: You're Approaching Dating Wrong! (Use THIS Blueprint to Attract the RIGHT Person) Ft. Vanessa Van Edwards & Jillian Turecki

with Vanessa Van Edwards, Jillian Turecki, Sadia Khan, Laurie Gottlieb

Published November 5, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Jay Shetty curates a masterclass-style episode on modern dating featuring insights from Vanessa Van Edwards, Jillian Turecki, Sadia Khan, and Laurie Gottlieb. The guests explain how subtle body language and vocal cues signal availability, why impatience and fear of rejection sabotage dating, and how self-esteem shapes who we entertain rather than who we attract. They emphasize honesty about needs, resisting future-tripping, and focusing on present behavior and conflict repair to build relationships that are healthy and sustainable.

Topics Covered

Dating expectations Relationships Romantic relationships Attachment and bonding Confidence Boundaries Loneliness Personal Development Fear of rejection Self-esteem in relationships

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Quick Takeaways

  • People drastically underestimate how many clear signals of interest are needed; others recognize flirting only a small fraction of the time, so availability cues must be intentional and frequent.
  • Confidence and signals of openness often matter more than conventional attractiveness in determining who approaches and connects with you.
  • Relying only on dating apps, being impatient, and holding unrealistically high expectations are common mistakes that lead to burnout and learned helplessness in dating.
  • Dating is an opportunity to practice social skills, manage fear of rejection, and clarify your needs and values rather than a desperate race to find "the one."
  • You usually can attract many kinds of people, but your self-esteem determines which behaviors you normalize and continue to entertain.
  • Being drawn to people who make you anxious often reflects their emotional immaturity and your own low expectations, not special chemistry.
  • If similarity feels like settling, your standards may be shaped by comparison culture and might exceed what you yourself bring to the table.
  • Ghosting reveals poor communication and avoidance in the other person; it is a signal to reduce your investment rather than a verdict on your worth.
  • Being honest about your needs, such as exclusivity, is not needy but necessary for long-term compatibility and authentic connection.
  • Instead of future-tripping, look at how a partner treats you now-especially how you both handle disagreements-as this is the best predictor of your relational future.

Podcast Notes

Introduction and episode framing on dating and connection

Jay frames the modern dating problem

Many singles are open to love but exhausted by the process[1:56]
• Jay notes that over half of singles are open to love, yet more than 60% feel burned out by dating apps
Reframing what finding love actually requires[2:02]
• He says finding love is not about perfection but about showing up authentically, reading signals well, and attracting real connection

Guests introduced and episode positioned as a masterclass

Lineup of experts[2:20]
• Jay introduces body language specialist Vanessa Van Edwards, love expert Jillian Turecki, relationship coach Sadia Khan, and psychotherapist Laurie Gottlieb
Overall promise of the episode[2:11]
• He calls it a masterclass on attraction, chemistry, and building relationships that last

Vanessa Van Edwards on flirting cues and availability

Why we misjudge how obvious our interest is

People think their cues are obvious but they are not[2:49]
• Vanessa introduces the concept of "signal amplification bias," where we believe we are over-obvious with our cues when others actually have no idea
• She references research on singles in bar and nightclub settings showing this bias in real-life flirting situations
Study on recognizing flirting[2:54]
• Jay summarizes that research shows people recognize flirting only about 28% of the time
• Women often have to send multiple signals quickly for their interest to be understood

How many signals it takes to be noticed

Counting flirtation signals in a bar study[4:01]
• Researchers observed singles mingling and counted each person's flirtatious signals
• They measured how many signals in 10 minutes it took for a woman to successfully show a man she was interested enough for him to approach
Number of signals required[4:01]
• Vanessa reveals it took 29 signals in 10 minutes for a woman to be approached
• Jay notes he would have guessed only 3-7 signals without her context, reflecting how much we underestimate what is needed
• Vanessa says many women think three glances are enough and assume lack of response means lack of interest, when the other person may simply not have noticed or doubted themselves

Availability versus attractiveness

Attractive women do not always get approached more[5:14]
• In the same body language studies, the most attractive women were approached less than unattractive women who signaled more availability
• If an attractive woman does not signal enough, she may not be approached at all
Availability makes you more attractive[5:46]
• Vanessa argues that availability beats attractiveness; some less conventionally attractive women who signaled clearly were approached more
• She says people often use attractiveness as an excuse for dating struggles when the real issue is lack of clear signals
• Hair, outfit, and scent matter, but are ineffective if you do not know and use the body language signals of availability

Specific flirting and availability cues

Flirty glances and gaze patterns[6:02]
• Vanessa describes scanning the room with your eyes, briefly locking eyes with someone you like, then looking away and back again
• She highlights side glances and the down-and-up look, where you look down and then up through your lashes, as effective
• She cites Marilyn Monroe as a classic example of tilting the chin down and looking up through the eyes, an expression people instinctively like
Smiles and self-touch as signals[7:04]
• She adds that small smiles after eye contact reinforce availability
• Self-touch, such as playing with hair or a dress, is considered flirtatious and may signal health from an evolutionary standpoint
• Touching the neck, lips, or chin can release pheromones, making scent an important, though subconscious, factor in attraction
Study showing scent and social preference[7:30]
• Vanessa describes a study where women wore unscented white t-shirts for 24 hours, then other women smelled the shirts and rated which scent they liked
• Later, when all the women met in person without knowing whose shirt was whose, the smell each woman liked best predicted whom they liked best in person
• She uses this to illustrate that scent plays a real role in both dating and friendships, helping people "find their people"

Using a simple verbal cue: "hey"

Why a casual greeting is powerful[8:51]
• Vanessa suggests a low-pressure, one-word opener: walking by someone and saying "hey" as a direct signal of availability
• She emphasizes this can work in settings like the gym, grocery store, or walking past someone, even if they are wearing headphones
• She stresses there is no pressure: if they are interested, they respond warmly; if not, you still made a low-stakes attempt
Tone of voice and confidence[9:21]
• Jay asks whether tone matters; Vanessa says yes and notes men often naturally use a downward inflection that sounds confident
• She explains research finds we decide how confident someone is within the first 200 milliseconds of hearing them speak
• She says the word "hey" becomes important because it is often the first sound that conveys your confidence level

How voice reveals anxiety or calm

Signs of nervousness in the voice[10:28]
• Vanessa notes that when she gets nervous, her voice goes higher, with more vocal fry, which can be grating if sustained
• She states people do not like being around others whose anxious vocal tone they might "catch" emotionally
Matching resonance of the most important person[10:52]
• She cites findings that people subconsciously match the voice resonance of the most important person in the room
Key takeaway from Vanessa segment[11:06]
• Jay summarizes that confidence and availability beat attractiveness, and that mastering body language and signals like flirty glances and a casual "hey" can significantly affect who you attract

Jillian Turecki on dating mistakes, patience, and rejection

Common dating mistakes people make

Overreliance on dating apps[12:49]
• Jillian says a big mistake is focusing just on apps; she does not tell everyone to get off them, but warns exclusive use leads to burnout and exhaustion
• She points out that on apps you are constantly meeting strangers, which can be draining if it is your only method
Impatience with the process[13:54]
• She calls impatience another major mistake, explaining it is not common to meet someone you want to build a relationship with, so it naturally takes time
• She urges people to be proactive and live fully rather than expecting someone to just "fall onto the couch" next to them
High expectations and premature fantasies[14:27]
• Jillian notes many people text with someone, feel a vibe, then go on a date and feel no spark, leading them to learned helplessness and conclusions like "this will never happen"
• She critiques going into dates with very high expectations instead of treating them as low-pressure opportunities
False sense of intimacy through long texting[15:57]
• She identifies extended texting over weeks with someone you have never met as a mistake that creates a false sense of intimacy
• Her recommendation is to text lightly for about a day, then set up a FaceTime, Zoom, or in-person meeting
• She frames it as respecting your time, which is too precious to waste on long text exchanges with strangers who may never be available

Reframing dating as skill-building

Dating as social skills practice[15:04]
• Jillian encourages people to view dating as an opportunity to practice social skills and being present with others
• She says most people are not as good at social skills as they think, and it takes work to really talk to someone, not just interview them
• She advises practicing breathing and feeling comfortable in your body on dates, being curious, and being open to making friends even if romance does not develop

Fear of rejection and its two sides

Avoidance behaviors rooted in fear[16:42]
• Jay suggests that long texting and canceling dates last minute often stem from fear of rejection and the discomfort of potentially being unwanted
• He notes people are also afraid of being the one who rejects someone else and letting go of high expectations
Two forms of rejection we fear[17:35]
• Jay differentiates between fear that the other person will not want you and fear that you will not want them, both of which people find uncomfortable
Building resilience to rejection[18:51]
• Jillian says the quality of our lives is largely determined by how well we can confront rejection
• She insists that if someone is not into you early on, they are definitely not for you, and that this is actually helpful clarity
• She emphasizes that rejection is part of life and there is no magic pill; people must strengthen their resilience rather than hide behind texts
• She adds that handling rejection well makes a person more attractive and that we are not meant to be for everyone

Patience, expectations, and the myth of "the one"

Going in with low baseline expectations[20:07]
• Jay supports Jillian's idea of entering dates with low expectations so the interaction can naturally become a friendship, nothing, or something more without pressure
Addiction to speeding up love[20:31]
• Jay observes that many people try to accelerate love: wanting to meet "the one," then quickly marry, always attempting to speed up the relationship timeline
There is no single "the one"[20:47]
• Jillian states there is no predestined "the one"; instead, we choose who "the one" is
• She says love is both a feeling and a choice, and that in long-term relationships you must repeatedly choose your partner
Slowing down when there is chemistry[22:05]
• She admits she used to equate chemistry with "this is it," but now recommends slowing down and processing enthusiasm rather than immediately attaching
• She advises using early chemistry as a cue to investigate character and values over time rather than as proof of long-term suitability
Clarifying your needs and values[21:16]
• Jillian suggests getting clear on what you truly need to function well in a relationship, beyond surface preferences
• She acknowledges pressures like childbearing age and societal expectations to marry, but insists this makes discernment even more important

Choosing a partner as a major life decision

Significance of partner choice[23:17]
• Jillian calls the choice of who to partner with one of the most important decisions of your entire life
• She stresses there is no one who will impact your wellbeing and emotional state more than the person you choose to spend your life with
Pain of being single vs. wrong relationship[24:23]
• Jay contrasts the pain of being single with the pain of being in the wrong relationship, stating the former is far better
• He notes that in unhealthy relationships, lives become enmeshed, values may clash, and people often later realize they were happier when single
• Jillian points out many people fear returning to single life and thus stay in misaligned relationships because we fear the unknown
Key takeaway from Jillian segment[25:25]
• Jay summarizes that you are looking for one person, which means it is unlikely to be the next person, and that you should use each experience to grow clearer and more grounded in who you are and what you need

Sadia Khan on attraction, self-esteem, and who we entertain

Attraction is not the issue; entertainment is

Most people can attract many types of partners[29:08]
• Sadia shares that most people she speaks to feel they attract unavailable people, but she reframes it as an issue of what they choose to entertain
• She claims most of us can attract many types of people if we try hard enough
Normalized unhealthy behaviors[29:53]
• She lists behaviors some people see as normal: partners not texting back, not asking about your day, or only texting at midnight on a Friday
• She argues that when low self-esteem makes these patterns feel normal, people start accepting dynamics that will not lead to healthy relationships
Regaining power by changing what you entertain[30:03]
• Sadia urges people to recognize they attract all types of men but keep forming attachments to those who leave them anxious and uncertain
• She advises interpreting ongoing anxiety and ambiguity as a signal of the other person's commitment issues, which ultimately delay your goals like marriage or family
• She recommends consciously shifting attraction away from people who provoke anxiety about "where this is going"

Why we chase unavailable partners

Low self-esteem and expectations of treatment[30:45]
• Sadia explains that with low self-esteem, people believe it is normal not to be adored or loved fully and expect subpar treatment
Mystery and perceived options[31:05]
• She says unavailable men often project mystery and the appearance of having many options, which makes them seem desirable
• People interpret dismissiveness and busyness as evidence of an interesting life, when it may simply reflect emotional immaturity
Reframing unavailability as immaturity[31:31]
• Sadia emphasizes that when you see their behavior as emotional immaturity rather than special desirability, the attraction decreases

Managing expectations and standards on dating apps

Checking whether you are truly being rejected[32:29]
• Sadia asks whether you are actually not matching with anyone or if you are simply disliking those you do match with
• She notes social media and apps can create unrealistic comparisons, where people dismiss matches as not the "dream" high-value partner they imagine
Start with who likes you[33:31]
• She advises beginning with people who like you and have matched with you, then discerning within that group based on demographics and values
• She says the more you like yourself, the more you tend to like people who like you
When similarity feels like settling[34:02]
• Sadia notes some people view choosing someone similar to themselves as "settling," which may indicate their standards are inflated
• She gives examples: men on a second divorce wanting a 25-year-old partner with no "baggage," or non-working women wanting a six-figure entrepreneur
• She suggests if similarity feels like settling, you may be asking partners to fill gaps in your self-worth rather than matching what you bring to the table

Influence of online advice and comparison culture

Algorithm-driven fantasies[35:11]
• Sadia observes that TikToks and online advice about "never settling" and being a high-value man or woman can make people think anything less than the ideal is settling
• She argues that as long as you are matched in values, maturity, and future vision, you are not settling; you are finding compatibility

Ghosting and what it reveals

Reasons behind ghosting[35:50]
• Sadia notes many daters experience ghosting and explains that in digital contexts people often see others as disposable with minimal investment
• She says ghosting can occur because someone met alternatives or was using apps to cope with heartbreak rather than to truly find a partner
How to interpret being ghosted[35:37]
• She advises not taking ghosting too personally but recognizing that persistent ghosting, especially after dating for a while, likely indicates the person is hiding information
• She concludes that regardless of specific reasons, ghosters are poor communicators, and you should reduce attraction to those who cannot communicate well
Key takeaway from Sadia segment[36:25]
• Jay summarizes that it is not about attracting the right person but having the self-esteem to stop entertaining the wrong ones; anxious attraction often signals immaturity, and ghosting is enough reason to walk away

Laurie Gottlieb on honesty, future-tripping, and rupture-repair

Speaking your truth about needs and exclusivity

Fear of appearing needy[37:13]
• Laurie describes people who want exclusivity but are afraid to ask because they fear seeming too needy too early
How to have the exclusivity conversation[37:23]
• She suggests being clear: explain you cannot get close if you know they are dating others, and ask if they are ready for an exclusive relationship
• She outlines possible responses: they may say no (giving you useful information), say they did not know it was important but are open to it, or say they are not ready
• She stresses the importance of making a choice based on their answer, such as whether you are comfortable continuing or not

Authenticity as a prerequisite for long-term relationships

Bringing your true self into relationships[38:30]
• Laurie says the whole "game" of relationship is bringing your true self, so if you cannot do that, you are not ready for long-term partnership
• She warns against waiting until engagement to reveal your true needs and preferences, calling it a recipe for disaster
• If you do not express what you want and need, your partner may misinterpret you and the relationship may be built on misrepresentation

Future-tripping versus present-focused reality

Jay raises the concept of future-tripping[39:35]
• Jay describes future-tripping as mentally planning a whole future with someone-imagining weddings or children-when things are only just going well
• He notes people can get a reality check when their partner does not mirror those imagined plans back
Laurie's antidote: stay in the present[40:13]
• Laurie defines the cure for future-tripping as being in the present and noticing that how things are now is how they will likely be in the future
• She cautions against imagining someone will change or that you will have a certain life together without actually discussing those desires
• She emphasizes asking: how does this person treat me now, what is it like when we are together, and how do we handle disagreements?

Rupture and repair as predictors of the future

Importance of conflicts (ruptures)[40:53]
• Laurie introduces the concept of rupture and repair, saying everyone has ruptures in relationships, including with romantic partners
• She argues that if you have been dating for six months without any ruptures, you are probably not going deep enough and are still on best behavior
What healthy repair looks like[41:27]
• A repair can involve taking a break when heated, then coming back after 15 minutes to talk more calmly
• She illustrates a repair where one partner calls back and says they thought about it, realized they were wrong, and apologize while explaining what they wish they had done instead
• A healthy response from the other partner includes appreciating the apology, acknowledging their own part, and asking how they can be more supportive
• Laurie says that dynamic of mutual accountability and kindness in repair is "your future" because that is how conflicts will be handled long term

Aligning imagined futures with spoken reality

Jay on unspoken plans[42:46]
• Jay notes that if you are making plans in your head but are uncomfortable talking about them, those plans only exist in your head and are not real
Key takeaway from Laurie segment[42:54]
• Jay concludes that your needs in dating are valid, your truth is enough, and your personal growth will either deepen a connection or free you for something better

Jay Shetty's final reflections and broader lessons

Core principles to remember from the episode

Self-knowledge as the foundation[43:28]
• Jay says you cannot attract the right person until you get to know yourself
Asking for what you want[43:17]
• He adds you cannot receive what you want until you learn to ask for it
Boundaries around what you entertain[43:22]
• Jay reiterates that you will attract what you are willing to entertain, echoing Sadia's message about self-esteem and standards
Real chemistry defined[43:24]
• He defines real chemistry as coming from honesty, openness, and courage rather than anxiety and unavailability

Encouragement for listeners in various dating stages

Love as something created, not found[43:32]
• Jay tells listeners that whether they are just putting themselves back out there or actively dating, love is not found but created, and they are worthy of creating it

Pointer to related content (non-advertising)

Reference to conversation with Matthew Hussey[43:38]
• Jay mentions another conversation with Matthew Hussey on getting over your ex and finding true love, framing it as further exploration of compassion toward your future self

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Other people are far less aware of your subtle signals than you think, so clear, repeated cues of availability and a confident vocal tone are essential if you want to be approached and understood.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life am I assuming people "just know" I am interested or open, instead of signaling it clearly?
  • • How could I experiment this week with more intentional eye contact, smiles, or a simple, confident "hey" in low-stakes situations?
  • • What specific change can I make to my posture, facial expressions, or tone of voice to better reflect the calm confidence I want to project?
2

Treat dating as an ongoing practice in social skills, discernment, and self-knowledge rather than a high-pressure hunt for a single perfect partner.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In what ways have I been approaching dating as a pass/fail test instead of an opportunity to practice conversation, curiosity, and presence?
  • • How might my experience change if I went into each date with low expectations and a focus on learning something about myself or other people?
  • • What concrete experiment can I run over the next month (such as a set number of dates or new activities) to build my dating resilience and skills?
3

You may be able to attract many kinds of people, but your self-esteem and standards determine which behaviors you normalize and continue to entertain.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What recurring behaviors (late-night texts, slow replies, vague plans) have I been tolerating that do not align with the relationship I ultimately want?
  • • How could raising my baseline for what I consider "normal" treatment shift the kind of connections I maintain or walk away from?
  • • Who in my current or past dating life would I have filtered out sooner if I had been more anchored in my worth and long-term goals?
4

Rejection-whether you are rejected or you do the rejecting-is unavoidable and clarifying, and building resilience to it is key to a fulfilling love life.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When I think back on recent romantic rejections, what useful information about fit and compatibility did they actually give me?
  • • How might my behavior change if I viewed each "no" as a step toward the one "yes" I truly need, instead of as a verdict on my value?
  • • What small, concrete exposure to potential rejection (such as initiating a conversation or honestly ending a misaligned situation) can I choose this week to strengthen my resilience?
5

Base your relationship decisions on how someone behaves with you now-especially how you both handle conflict and repair-rather than on imagined future scenarios in your head.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Looking at my current or recent relationships, what do our real disagreements and repairs actually look like, and what do they predict about our future?
  • • How have I been future-tripping-mentally fast-forwarding to marriage or kids-without verifying that the other person shares or enacts those visions?
  • • What honest conversation about needs, exclusivity, or long-term direction have I been avoiding that would bring my imagined future into alignment with present reality?

Episode Summary - Notes by Hayden

Jays Must Listens: You're Approaching Dating Wrong! (Use THIS Blueprint to Attract the RIGHT Person) Ft. Vanessa Van Edwards & Jillian Turecki
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