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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

How to Move On When You Still Miss Your Ex (4 Hard Truths That Will FINALLY Set You Free)

Published November 14, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Jay Shetty explores why breakups can feel so difficult to move on from, connecting the pain of missing an ex to brain chemistry, identity, and emotional needs rather than to the person themselves. He debunks common myths about time and closure, reframes what we actually miss in a relationship, and offers specific practices to stop romanticizing the past, rebuild structure, and focus on self-worth and personal growth. He closes by normalizing setbacks in healing and encouraging listeners to see heartbreak as a meaningful chapter that can humanize and strengthen them rather than define them.

Topics Covered

Relationships Romantic relationships Attachment and bonding Mental health Personal Development Change and loss Grief and loss Perspective shift Self-talk Resilience

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • After a breakup, you usually miss how you felt with the person and the future you imagined, not the person themselves.
  • Love activates brain chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, so a breakup can feel like physical withdrawal and identity loss, not just emotional pain.
  • Time only helps if you stop feeding the old story-continuing to check social media and revisit memories keeps you stuck.
  • Closure rarely comes from a perfect explanation or apology from your ex; it comes from working on how you see and value yourself.
  • Moving on does not mean the relationship was fake; something can be real and still only be right for a season.
  • A healthy relationship requires two people actively choosing to work on it every day; one person's effort is never enough.
  • Healing involves rebuilding daily rituals, anchoring your most vulnerable moments with supportive habits and people.
  • Recovery from heartbreak is nonlinear, and occasional emotional setbacks are a normal part of returning to yourself, not a sign of failure.

Podcast Notes

Opening reframing of heartbreak and emotional focus

Central idea: focus on the feeling, not the person

Healing begins when you shift attention from the person you lost to the feelings you associate with them[1:38]
• Jay states that healing starts when you focus on how you can give yourself the feeling you miss without that person
• He emphasizes that you can find those emotions and experiences through yourself and others, not only through your ex
Believing the person is more powerful than the experience or emotion keeps you stuck[2:03]
• Jay says that if you think the person is more powerful than the feeling, you will never be able to let go
• He reframes the emotion as something that came through you and still exists within you, waiting to be rediscovered

Introduction to the episode and who it is for

Show intro and audience framing

Jay welcomes listeners back and notes the show is the "number one health and wellness podcast"[2:13]
• He introduces himself as Jay Shetty and host of "On Purpose"
He directly addresses people struggling after a breakup[2:42]
• He says the video is for you if you recently went through a breakup or even one from years ago that still affects you
• He notes that many people he knows have been dumped or broken up with and it has affected their self-esteem
Common post-breakup doubts[2:28]
• He lists questions people ask themselves: questioning their value, their worthiness of love, and whether they will ever find love
• He urges listeners not to skip the video if they have had those thoughts

What you actually miss after a breakup

Illusion of missing the person versus missing the imagined future

People focus on what they miss and forget the bad times[3:31]
• Jay lists examples: missing morning texts, conversations before bed, and dates
• He notes that while you focus on what you miss, you forget the negative moments when they treated you badly
Key truth: you miss who you thought you would be with them[3:38]
• Jay says explicitly, "You don't miss them. You miss who you thought you'd be with them"
• He calls this one of the hardest truths to face
Lingering emotional triggers and self-judgment[3:52]
• He describes how a song, scent, or old photo can suddenly pull you back into memories
• He notes that people often tell themselves they "should be over this by now" but still feel stuck

Reframing lingering feelings as wiring, not weakness

Jay clarifies that what you're feeling is not weakness[4:13]
• He frames it as "wiring" due to how the brain and identity adapt during relationships

Why you can't let go: chemistry and identity

Addictive brain chemistry of love

Love involves the same chemicals linked to addiction[4:41]
• Jay explains that when we fall in love, the brain releases dopamine and oxytocin
• He states that these are the same chemicals tied to addiction, which is why breakups can hurt physically
Breakup as withdrawal from a person[4:55]
• He says you are in a kind of withdrawal from a person, not just experiencing emotional hurt

Identity shifts from "me" to "us"

Relationships reshape your sense of self[5:08]
• Jay notes that for months or years, you stop being just "you" and become "us"
• Your plans, routines, and sense of self intertwine with the other person
Losing them can feel like losing your reflection[5:28]
• He explains that when they leave, it feels like losing more than a person; it feels like losing your reflection

Chasing closure versus chasing validation

What you really want from closure[5:34]
• Jay says that when you chase closure, you really want confirmation that you mattered
• You want to feel that the version of you in the relationship still feels alive even though the relationship has ended
Your brain continues to chase the chemical patterns[5:44]
• Jay explains you've mirrored so many of their chemicals that part of you still chases that feeling even though the relationship is over

Understanding that you are addicted to feelings, not the person

Distinguishing between person and feeling

Jay states that we don't get addicted to people, but to how we felt around them[6:49]
• He lists feelings such as being wanted, seen, and chosen as what we become attached to
Your brain chases the feeling after they are gone[6:57]
• He says that after they are gone, your brain is chasing that feeling, not the person

Reclaiming those feelings from within and from healthy sources

Importance of finding other sources for those feelings[7:01]
• Jay argues that you need to find something else that gives you that feeling via yourself, friends, community, and connection
If feeling is dependent on one absent person, they are not your person[6:57]
• He says if your being seen, wanted, and chosen is dependent on one person who is no longer there, then that isn't your person

Practical starting point for letting go

Key question to identify what you lost[7:27]
• Jay suggests asking, "What part of me felt most alive in that relationship?"
• He then asks, "How can I give that back to myself now?" as a starting point for healing
Reiterating the focus on feelings over person[7:51]
• He repeats that healing starts when you focus on the feeling, not the person, and how to create that emotion and experience without them

Recognizing feelings as internal, not created by others

Feelings come from within you

Jay challenges the idea that others make us feel things[8:43]
• He argues that other people push buttons, and what we feel was already inside us
Wayne Dyer orange example[8:51]
• Jay cites Wayne Dyer's example: when you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out, not lemon juice
• The point is that what comes out is what was already inside, just as when people "squeeze" us, what emerges was already within us

Owning the best parts of yourself that others draw out

Seeing positive feelings as yours, not theirs[9:21]
• Jay notes that when someone brings out the best in you, it is because that best was already yours
• He emphasizes that whatever you loved to experience with someone came from within you and is still accessible

Part two: Myths that keep you stuck after a breakup

How the brain rewrites the story to feel safe

Tendency to idealize the past relationship[9:44]
• Jay observes that after someone breaks up with you, you often only think about the good times and positive memories
• You forget arguments and mistakes because the story of wanting them back makes you feel safe
The brain's drive for comfort and safety[10:07]
• He says your brain is not working against you; it is trying to make you feel safe and comfortable
• To keep you comfortable, it reminds you of the comfortable things so you're willing to tolerate the negative things again

Myth 1: Time heals everything

Time alone does not heal all wounds[11:08]
• Jay challenges the phrase "time heals all wounds" and says time doesn't heal everything
• He argues healing happens when you stop waiting to feel nothing and learn to live with what still hurts
What time actually does in healing[10:46]
• He says time doesn't erase memories but teaches you how to carry them differently
• Time doesn't make pain vanish; it helps you stop letting it control your day
• Time doesn't fix the past; it helps you stop trying to relive it and create your own closure
• He adds that time doesn't make you forget them; it helps you remember yourself and shows pain and progress can coexist
Why time sometimes changes little[11:19]
• Jay stresses that what you do with your time matters more than time passing
• He notes that if you stay immersed in the relationship daily, it will still feel like it has a hold on you even as time passes
Identifying hooks that keep you attached[11:43]
• He lists behaviors like scrolling their social media, looking at past pictures, and checking what they're up to as "hooks"
• These hooks keep you imprisoned by the relationship and prevent time from helping

Myth 2: I just need closure

Illusion that a perfect explanation will satisfy you[12:06]
• Jay notes many people think if they got a perfect explanation, they'd feel satisfied
• He argues that even with a perfect explanation, you would likely find something else you disagree with
Redefining closure[12:19]
• He defines closure as realizing you may never get the apology but being done waiting for it
• Closure is accepting that some chapters end without explanations and that this is still an ending
• Closure means choosing peace over answers and focusing on what the experience taught you
• He adds closure is knowing you did what you could and recognizing it's not your job to carry both your pain and their growth
Example of endless explanation-seeking[11:59]
• Jay shares a coaching story of someone who kept asking their ex for answers via long emails and texts
• Each response led to more questions, showing that what they really wanted was the person back, not explanations
Underlying fear about self-worth[13:39]
• Jay says the real worry isn't what the other person thinks, but fear that what they think might actually be true
• He frames the concern as fearing that what someone sees in you might really exist, aligning with negative self-views
Closure through self-work, not their explanation[14:16]
• He suggests that focusing on growing, healing, and working through your own issues is what gives you closure and confidence

Myth 3 and Myth 4: Misconceptions about moving on and reunion

Myth 3: If I move on, it means I never cared

Something can be real and still end[18:01]
• Jay says many believe that if they or their ex move on, it means the relationship wasn't real
• He counters that something can be real for a period of time and not real for the next
Nature analogy with trees and seasons[18:09]
• He compares relationships to trees having leaves that fall off in autumn, noting that the leaves were real even though they are let go
• He says a relationship can be good for you for several years and not be right later
Moving on as learning rather than erasing[18:45]
• He reframes moving on as meaning you've learned what the relationship came to teach you
• He notes that if someone moves on, it doesn't mean their feelings weren't real; it means they had a deadline or timeline

Definition of real love: continuing investment

Buddha story: like versus love[19:21]
• Jay shares a story where a student asks the Buddha the difference between "I like you" and "I love you"
• The Buddha responds that liking a flower means plucking it, while loving a flower means watering it every day
Real feelings require daily nurturing[19:32]
• Jay says real feelings are ones people invest in every day, not just on special occasions
• He defines real love as one that shows up every day, not just on a wedding day, engagement, or anniversary

Myth 4: If they came back, it would finally work

Temptation to erase your needs to keep them[19:11]
• Jay describes how people promise themselves that if their ex returned, they would change and stop complaining or raising issues
• He points out that issues were raised because behavior or interactions genuinely didn't sit right
Questioning whether it's love if you can't be honest[20:17]
• Jay asks if it's love when you can't share your feelings without fear or discomfort from the other person
• He challenges whether it's truly love if you can't express emotions without worrying about their reaction
Core truth: you miss hope, not them[20:56]
• Jay claims the truth is that you don't miss them; you miss hope
• He warns that hope without change is just another heartbreak waiting to happen
Inviting drama back to avoid short-term pain[21:44]
• He says people invite someone who caused them pain back into their life because they don't want to deal with the pain of losing them in the short term
• He notes that you didn't break up over nothing; there was something deeply rooted that disconnected you

Part three: How to actually heal after a breakup

Step 1: Stop feeding the fantasy

Remove romanticized highlight reels and digital breadcrumbs[22:16]
• Jay advises blocking "breadcrumbs" like social media, old photos, and playlists linked to the relationship
• He says "out of sight, out of mind" applies here, and disconnecting is about protecting your recovery
Look at the full picture of the relationship[22:44]
• He suggests writing out every reason why you saw that you weren't right for each other
• He clarifies this is not about listing why they're a bad person, but why the match wasn't right
Fear can keep you in or pull you back into the wrong relationship[23:24]
• Jay observes that sometimes you're upset they broke up with you because you wanted to do it first but were scared
• He notes that fear kept you in the wrong relationship, and fear can now make you pursue that wrong relationship again

Step 2: Feel without dramatizing

Grief is healthy, but it should not become your identity[24:01]
• Jay says you don't have to pretend you're fine; grief is healthy
• What is unhealthy is turning grief into your identity and living there permanently
Journaling prompt to reframe the breakup[24:10]
• He offers a prompt: "What did this relationship teach me about my needs, not my worth?"
• He stresses that after a breakup, a big mistake is seeing what happened as a reflection of your worth instead of your needs
• Seeing it as about needs helps you move forward and recognize what you want in the future

Step 3: Rebuild your rituals and structure

Heartbreak disrupts daily rhythms[24:44]
• Jay says heartbreak steals structure and healing gives it back
• He notes your brain had a rhythm with the person: morning texts, evening calls, and weekend dates
Create new anchors and habits[24:49]
• He suggests new anchors like morning walks, gym sessions, therapy, and dinner with friends
Target the most triggered moments of your day[25:34]
• Jay recommends identifying the three times of day when you feel most affected by the breakup
• Those are the moments to give yourself the most care, connection, and time with others to avoid falling into the trap of revisiting the past

Step 4: Shift the question you are asking

Ask about who you were becoming, not just why it ended[25:54]
• Instead of asking "Why didn't it work?", Jay suggests asking "To what version of me was I becoming while trying to make it work?"
• If you were becoming a better version of yourself, you can continue that growth; if you were becoming a lesser version, use that as a reminder not to go back
A relationship fails when only one person wants to make it work[26:25]
• Jay states that the truth is it didn't work because they didn't want to make it work
• He says a healthy relationship is where both people want to make it work; you can't make it work just because one person wants it
• He defines a healthy long-term relationship as one where both people are committed to making it work and show up to try to make things right
• Jay adds there is no such thing as "the right person"; there is only the person willing to show up to try to make things right with you

Step 5: Let pain become purpose

You evolve through your story, not by erasing it[27:15]
• Jay says you're not meant to erase your story; you're meant to evolve through it
• He notes every heartbreak can either harden you or humanize you, and the difference is whether you learn or linger
Perspective from coaching people through heartbreak[27:27]
• He shares that people in the midst of heartbreak can't imagine their heart being whole again
• Yet, everyone he has coached eventually finds love again and eventually forgets how intense that old pain felt
You don't need to feel hopeful right now; you need practice and purpose[27:50]
• Jay says you don't have to be hopeful or believe right now; you just need to practice putting your heart back together
• He urges creating purpose and meaning to move forward
Kintsugi metaphor: beauty in repaired cracks[28:21]
• He describes Kintsugi, where broken objects are repaired with gold so the cracks are visible and beautiful
• He likens people with broken hearts to Kintsugi: wounds make you more aware of what you're looking for and more prepared for the future

Part four: What to do when you slip back

Normalizing non-linear healing

Healing often involves progress and setbacks[28:47]
• Jay says recovery from a breakup is moving three steps forward and two steps back
• It's feeling like you're healing, then crying like you're back at day one
• He emphasizes healing isn't linear; you might feel strong for weeks and then get triggered by seeing their name
Setbacks mean you're human, not broken[29:08]
• He reassures listeners that such moments don't mean they're broken; they mean they're human

Reframing missing them

Missing someone doesn't mean you are meant for them[29:13]
• Jay explains that missing someone simply means they occupied a meaningful chapter of your life
• He says it may just be that your heart hasn't caught up to the end of that chapter

Practical substitutions when you're tempted to reach out

Behavioral swaps to break the cycle[29:23]
• Jay advises: instead of texting your ex, text a friend
• Instead of rereading old messages, he suggests starting new connections
• Instead of asking "Do they miss me?", he suggests asking "Am I proud of who I'm becoming?"
Goal of healing: remembering yourself[30:17]
• Jay says getting over someone isn't about forgetting them; it's about remembering you
• He reminds listeners there was a "you" before, during, and after the relationship
• He calls the relationship with yourself the most important relationship you will ever commit to

Closing reflections and encouragement

Letting go of imagined futures and learning from pain

Hardest part is releasing the future you built in your mind[30:17]
• Jay says sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go of them, but the future you built with them in your mind
Shift from "why did they leave?" to "what is this pain teaching me?"[30:23]
• He states healing starts when you stop asking "Why did they leave?" and start asking "What is this pain trying to teach me?"

Breathing cue and reassurance about timing

Breathing in acceptance and breathing out attachment[30:39]
• Jay encourages listeners to take a deep breath, breathe in acceptance, and breathe out attachment
You are not weak or behind in healing[30:46]
• He says you're not weak for still feeling; you're strong for still showing up
• He asserts you are not behind in your healing and that you are right on time for your transformation
Daily focus: get back to yourself, not over them[30:53]
• Jay says you don't have to get over them today; you just have to focus on getting back to you

Invitation to share and final encouragement

Call to share with friends who are struggling[30:59]
• He asks listeners to share the episode with a friend who is going through a difficult time
Assurance of support and future love[31:16]
• Jay says this will be the launch pad of a beautiful love story for the listener
• He affirms that he is in the listener's corner and always rooting for them, thanking them for joining him on On Purpose

Pointer to related conversation with Matthew Hussey

Recommendation of an additional conversation on getting over an ex[30:53]
• Jay mentions a conversation with Matthew Hussey about how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships
Idea of extending compassion to your future self[31:32]
• He quotes the idea that people should be compassionate to themselves and extend that compassion to their future self to give them a shot at a happy and peaceful life

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

After a breakup, you are usually addicted to how you felt-wanted, seen, and chosen-rather than to the person themselves, so healing requires finding healthy ways to generate those feelings from within and through supportive relationships.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What specific feelings did I value most in my past relationship, and where else in my life could I begin to cultivate those now?
  • • How might my healing change if I focused less on my ex as a person and more on rebuilding the sense of being seen and valued through my own actions and friendships?
  • • What is one concrete practice I can start this week that helps me feel wanted or appreciated without relying on my ex?
2

Time alone does not heal heartbreak; you have to change how you use your time by removing hooks to the past and intentionally building new routines and environments that support letting go.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my daily routine am I still feeding the old story-through social media, photos, or habits-that keeps me emotionally tied to my ex?
  • • How could redesigning my mornings, evenings, or weekends reduce triggers and create more space for recovery?
  • • What is one specific hook (like checking their profile) that I will eliminate this week, and what healthier activity will I substitute in its place?
3

Closure is something you create through self-understanding and growth, not something you passively wait to receive from an ex through explanations or apologies.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What unanswered questions about the breakup am I still clinging to, and what deeper fear about myself do those questions reveal?
  • • How might my sense of peace change if I shifted my focus from "Why did they do this?" to "What did this teach me about my needs and boundaries?"
  • • What is one step I can take this week-like journaling or talking to a trusted friend or therapist-to move toward my own version of closure?
4

A healthy relationship requires two people who both want to make it work and show up daily to nurture it; trying to carry the relationship alone or silencing your needs is a recipe for repeated heartbreak.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In my past relationships, when have I found myself working harder than the other person to keep things together, and how did that feel?
  • • How could using the standard of "Are we both consistently investing and showing up?" change the way I evaluate current or future relationships?
  • • What boundary or non-negotiable will I set for myself so I do not stay in a relationship where my needs and honest feelings cannot be safely expressed?
5

Healing from heartbreak is nonlinear and often involves steps forward and back, so the goal is not to feel nothing but to keep returning to yourself with compassion and purpose when old feelings resurface.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When I experience an emotional setback about my ex, how do I usually talk to myself, and how could I make that inner dialogue more compassionate?
  • • How might it change my experience of healing if I saw each wave of sadness as an opportunity to practice new coping skills instead of proof that I'm failing?
  • • What is one simple ritual or support action (texting a friend, going for a walk, journaling) that I can commit to using whenever I feel pulled to reach out to my ex?

Episode Summary - Notes by Peyton

How to Move On When You Still Miss Your Ex (4 Hard Truths That Will FINALLY Set You Free)
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