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The Tony Robbins Podcast

"Is My Marriage Worth Fighting For?" - Tony & Sage Robbins FULL Relationship Intervention

with Tony Robbins, Sage Robbins

Published November 20, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Laura from Miami shares that she has been with her husband for 18 years, married for 6, and feels they have grown apart, leaving her torn between staying with a man she considers great and not losing herself. Sage helps her voice her loneliness and rejection as clear, loving requests, while Tony introduces the six human needs framework to evaluate the relationship. Together they guide Laura toward a 60-90 day period of intentionally loving her husband in the way he best receives love, so she can make a clearer, regret-free decision about staying or leaving.

Topics Covered

Relationships Romantic relationships Change and loss Identity Attachment and bonding Social bonding Personal narrative

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • Feeling disconnected in a long-term relationship can coexist with still loving and valuing your partner.
  • Expressing needs as specific, loving requests is more effective than approaching from blame or frustration.
  • People often miscommunicate love because they express it in their own preferred way rather than how their partner best receives it.
  • Tony frames relationship dynamics through six human needs: certainty, uncertainty/variety, significance, love/connection, growth, and contribution.
  • Both partners can feel unloved or insignificant even when they each believe they are showing love.
  • Scoring a relationship against the six needs can highlight where the pain and disconnection are strongest.
  • A focused 60-90 day period of loving your partner the way they need to be loved can clarify whether a relationship can be revived.
  • Acknowledging and appreciating a partner for what makes them feel significant can powerfully pull them closer.
  • Expectations and unspoken rules about love can silently erode connection when they are not aligned.
  • Choosing to "go first" in apologizing and reconnecting is presented as an act of leadership and love.

Podcast Notes

Opening and focus on growth in the relationship

Question about perceived growth in the relationship

Tony asks Laura how much growth she thinks her husband feels with her[0:00]
• Laura replies that she is not sure how much growth he feels with her
Laura notes lack of conversations about the future or shared goals[0:02]
• She explicitly says they have not spoken about future or goals or anything together

Sage frames relationships as having stages

Sage states that in relationships and love there are different stages[0:07]
• She says these stages have different qualities and different challenges

Introduction of Laura and her core question

Laura is introduced to the audience

Host notes Laura is from Miami and is close by geographically[0:33]
Audience is invited to acknowledge Laura[0:33]

Statement of Laura's question

Her question is how to navigate a crossroads in her relationship and decide whether to stay or leave[0:42]
She also asks how to find clarity on her purpose and next steps for creating a fulfilling and independent life[0:53]

Background on Laura's marriage and emotional conflict

Relationship duration and age difference

Tony asks whether Laura is currently married[0:58]
• Laura confirms that she is married
Tony asks how many years she has been married[1:04]
• Laura states she has been married for six years and together with her husband for 18 years
Laura shares she met him when she was 18 and that he is a lot older than her[1:06]

Laura describes feeling that they have grown apart

She says they have grown very apart for a couple of years[1:14]
• She notes they do not have the same connection or interests anymore

Laura's fear of losing her husband versus losing herself

Laura says she does not want to act from a place of fear[1:22]
• She is afraid of losing a great man
• She is also afraid of losing herself and acting from fear of the unknown and change

Sage explores Laura's love and introduces clearing false beliefs

Clarifying Laura's feelings of love

Sage remarks that Laura said she does not want to lose a great man[1:39]
Sage asks Laura directly if she loves her husband[1:52]
• Laura replies that she thinks she loves him but is not currently in love
• She says she does not feel passion on either side and feels she has tried

Sage on relationship stages and perception overlays

Sage repeats that relationships and love have different stages with different qualities and challenges[1:47]
She connects Tony's teachings to "unleashing and untethering" and wiping the lens clear[2:09]
• She explains that wiping the lens clear allows partners to truly experience one another
Sage says that over years partners stop seeing each other and instead see overlays[2:16]
• These overlays include judgments, blame, or frustration that are innocently placed on each other

Sage emphasizes uprooting what is false before deciding to stay or leave

Sage clarifies she is not there to tell Laura to stay or leave[2:32]
• She says she believes in uprooting what is false and identifying it so deeper truth can be touched
She suggests that if Laura really loves this great man, she should at least satisfy that love by exploring it[2:45]
Sage proposes taking 90 days, or three to four months, to pour herself into the relationship at a different level[2:52]
• The intention is to uproot false beliefs that disconnected her from him

Introducing the art of making a loving request

Unmet needs, upset, and underlying requests

Sage notes that when needs are not met, the mind can get upset[3:13]
• She says that underneath upset is actually a request

Sage introduces the "art of a request" practice

She describes a practice she and Tony share called the art of a request[3:17]
• The example phrase is "honey, do you know what?" followed by truthfully expressing a need or desire
Sage asks Laura for straight talk and gets the husband's name[3:27]
• Laura says her husband's name is Peter
Sage role-plays as Peter and invites Laura to speak to him directly[4:48]
• She instructs Laura to share her heart, dropping blame and story, and to express what she wants him to understand

Laura voices her loneliness and feelings of rejection

Laura's direct message to "Peter"

Laura tells Peter she feels very lonely all the time[3:49]
• She adds that even when he is home, he is working all the time, and she still feels lonely
She asks that when she tries to give him a hug, he not push her away[3:58]
• She explains that when he pushes her away, she feels rejected

Sage (as Peter) validates Laura and asks what would support her

Empathic response from Peter's perspective

Sage, speaking as Peter, says he hears that she has felt alone and without his presence[4:06]
• She says that has not been his intention
She explains that he has been in life, his business, and responsibilities[4:14]
• She apologizes if there have been moments or periods where Laura has felt missed
She affirms that Peter loves her deeply[4:18]

Request for specific support

Sage, as Peter, asks Laura what specifically would support her[4:26]
• Laura replies that she wants quality time together where he is really present
• She specifies that this means not being on his phone or computer
Sage, as Peter, says he is willing to put his phone away[4:37]
• She suggests setting a time and a date, such as on the coming Friday

Encouraging mutual requests and shared responsibility

Inviting reciprocity in the request

Sage adds another element, suggesting Laura ask Peter if there is anything that would be meaningful for him[4:50]
• She suggests Laura ask if there is anything she can do or has been blind to

Sage affirms Laura's love and invites deeper exploration

Sage says she really gets that Laura loves this man[4:59]
• She clarifies she is not saying Laura must stay with him
She invites Laura to explore the love she has for him and the love he has for her within the relationship container[5:04]
• She encourages not only him being present, but Laura showing up and leaning in differently for 90 days, to fall in love again or not

Shared responsibility and energetic dance in relationships

Sage emphasizes that it takes two to disconnect or distract

Sage says it is not just one person who leans out or distracts, it takes two[5:29]
• She calls this an energetic dance between partners
She notes Laura wants to make a request of Peter, but that request is also her own prescription[5:36]
• She suggests that Laura should also put her own phone down and be with him, noticing the man she believes God gave her to love

Encouragement to express frustrations as loving requests

Sage advises that if Laura has a frustration or request, she should speak it from a loving place[5:52]
• She recommends setting date nights
Sage shares that her parents had a weekly night that was their time together[6:01]
• She notes that spontaneity is natural in the beginning of a relationship and often fades, suggesting it be rekindled

Tony explains how mutual withdrawal and misinterpretation occur

Pattern of reaching out, feeling rejected, and then stopping

Tony observes that when someone reaches out and feels rejected, after a while they do not want to reach out anymore[6:22]
• He says this leads both parties to think the other person does not care as much

How communication can sound like nagging or blame

Tony notes that when someone only reaches out when frustrated, their voice can feel like blame or nagging to the other person[6:32]
• He says this happens because the person is hitting a threshold of frustration

Introduction to the six human needs framework

Overview of needs versus desires

Tony states that there are six human needs[7:00]
• He clarifies that needs are not just desires and are deeper than desires
He asserts that people will give up their own values to meet their needs[6:45]

Need 1: Certainty

Tony explains that everyone has a need for certainty[6:52]
• Certainty includes the ability to avoid pain and have some comfort
• Ideally, certainty also includes the possibility of pleasure
He gives examples of how people meet the need for certainty[6:45]
• Some people get certainty by doing the same thing every day
• Some people get certainty when stressed by eating or smoking, which changes their biochemistry and helps them breathe again
• He notes that most people under stress either stop breathing or breathe shallowly
• He mentions that working out hard and feeling strong is another way to meet the need for certainty
He emphasizes needs can be met positively, negatively, or neutrally[7:29]

Need 2: Uncertainty / Variety

Tony points out that if someone is totally certain all the time, they become bored[7:36]
• Therefore, everyone also needs uncertainty or variety
He asks the audience if they love surprises and notes they only like the surprises they want[7:53]
• Surprises they do not want are labeled problems, which nonetheless make people grow
Tony says too much uncertainty causes people to freak out, while too much certainty causes boredom[8:04]
• He argues that people do not need a lukewarm middle, because both needs can be met if done right

Need 3: Significance

Tony calls significance critical in a relationship[8:15]
• Significance involves feeling special, needed, and like the most important thing in someone's life
He says if a partner starts feeling other things are more important, such as work or friends, it hurts the relationship[8:26]
• He notes everyone wants to feel significant, especially to the one they love most, but people seek significance in different ways
Examples of how people feel significant[8:40]
• Some feel significant by producing income and seeing themselves as a good provider
• Others feel significant by never giving up

Need 4: Love and Connection

Tony says everyone has a need for love, connection, and love[8:56]
• He observes that many people have had so much pain that they push love away and settle for connection instead
He states that people avoid putting themselves on the line for love to avoid disappointment[9:14]
• He notes that not putting oneself on the line for love prevents experiencing it, and that love requires courage
Different rules for feeling loved[9:26]
• Tony says everyone has different rules for what makes them feel loved
• Some feel loved through deep eye contact, some through hearing "I love you," and others only through certain kinds of touch
He infers that touch is important for Laura because she felt rejected by lack of touch[9:38]
• He contrasts that her husband's way of loving might be through providing or being successful so she will love him

Needs 5 and 6: Growth and Contribution

Tony says growth is a spiritual need and that people must grow or they do not feel alive[9:56]
• He asserts that individuals and relationships are either growing or dying
He introduces contribution beyond oneself as the sixth need[10:02]
• He states that contributing to others makes life meaningful

Scoring Laura's relationship against the six needs

Laura's view of how her needs are met

Tony asks Laura, on a scale of 0 to 10, how certain she is that her husband loves her[10:17]
• Laura answers with a 9 out of 10
Tony notes this high certainty is why she is still in the relationship[11:08]
He asks how much variety she has with him, such as surprises[10:32]
• Laura answers zero for variety
He asks how significant she feels to him[10:40]
• Laura answers a four for significance
He asks how much connection and love she feels[10:46]
• She answers a two for connection and love
He asks how much growth she associates together[10:52]
• She answers a two for growth
He asks how much contribution to one another she feels[10:57]
• She answers a five for contribution
Tony summarizes that certainty is the only really strong need being met for her[11:02]
• He says certainty keeps her there but also makes things predictable and therefore not alive
• He notes that newness in a relationship feels exciting because of not knowing what will happen next

Imagining her husband's perspective using the six needs

Tony asks Laura to put on her husband's hat and evaluate through his eyes[11:26]
• He stresses the importance of being fair while doing this
He asks how certain her husband is that she loves him[11:31]
• Laura answers that she thinks it is also a nine
He asks how much variety she provides for him[11:42]
• She initially answers a three, then Tony suggests it is more like a two based on her reaction and laughter
Tony concludes that both are not providing much variety for each other[11:56]
He asks how significant she thinks he feels she makes him[11:59]
• She first says an eight, explaining she is always there for him
• Then she adjusts and says that from his view it might be half, in case he does not see it the way she does
He asks how much love he feels from her given her tight feelings[12:18]
• She answers probably a three because she has pulled back after feeling rejected
• Laura explains that she is usually emotional, touchy, and happy, but has not been herself in the last few months
Tony notes that as she pulls back, he must feel that too[12:46]
He repeats his question about how much growth he feels with her[12:49]
• Laura says she is not sure and repeats that they have not spoken about future or goals together
Tony concludes that there is probably not a lot of growth felt[12:49]

Expectations and mutual shortcomings in meeting needs

Tony states that expectations are what kill a relationship[13:00]
• He says people expect their partner to respond the way they want but forget they themselves are not meeting all expectations either
He observes that she scored his view of her very similarly to how she scored her view of him[13:07]
• He notes both are certain they love each other but lack variety, significance, strong love, growth, and contribution

Tony's 60-90 day "best lover" challenge

Purpose of the challenge: spiritual growth and no regret

Tony proposes a 60 to 90 day period as an invitation to Laura[13:25]
• He frames this as spiritual growth so that if she ends the relationship, she will not fear regretting her decision

Definition of the challenge: loving him his way

Tony instructs that for no less than 60 days, ideally 90, Laura should put her entire focus on being love to him the way he wants to be loved[13:40]
• He emphasizes this is not about her idea of love but about what makes him feel loved
He suggests she commit to being the best lover she has ever been for that period, 100 percent[13:47]
• He says she should not think about herself, should be unselfish in every way, and pour love into him
He asks her to consider what will give him more variety, surprise, and significance[13:13]
• He reiterates that the goal is for him to feel more love, not just for her to feel like she is doing everything

Identifying how her husband feels most loved

Tony asks if Laura knows what makes her husband feel most loved (touch, look, actions, or words)[14:13]
• Laura says she believes he feels loved by feeling recognized for his hard work
Tony notes that as he works hard now, she has probably not been recognizing him[14:30]
• He suggests she has likely been annoyed by his work because it feels like there is no time with him
He concludes that the one thing that would make him feel loved is the one thing she has not been doing[14:38]
• He says this mismatch occurs because his preferred way of feeling loved does not match hers

Practical actions during the challenge

Tony suggests that for 60 or 90 days, she should acknowledge how hard he works[14:44]
• Instead of telling him to work less, she should express amazement at his effort and tell him she loves him
He recommends praising what he does for her and their family and telling him he is amazing and the best at what he does[14:58]
• Tony says doing this will help him become her hero and be pulled toward her instead of feeling judged
He asserts that if she does this for 60 days, and truly focuses on what he needs, he will be lit up[15:07]
• He adds that if he does not respond despite her sincerely meeting his needs, she will have clarity

Tony and Sage's rule about resolving conflicts

Tony shares that he and Sage have a simple rule when they get into confusion, frustration, or argument[15:19]
• The rule is that immediately one of them must get sane and go first in resolving it
He says they both try to be the first to apologize and then make it better[15:25]
• They do not wait for the other person to initiate repair
Tony calls going first an expression of leadership and love[15:36]

Laura commits to the challenge and closing encouragement

Securing Laura's commitment

Tony asks if Laura would be up for the 60 or 90 day challenge[15:47]
• Laura responds "Yes" and thanks him

Acknowledgment from the hosts and audience

Tony invites the audience to give her a hand and a big hand[15:41]
• Laura and Sage exchange words of thanks

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Expressing your pain as a clear, specific, and loving request is far more constructive than letting it build into blame or withdrawal.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What recurring frustration in one of your relationships could you turn into a specific, compassionate request instead of a complaint?
  • • How might the tone and outcome of a recent difficult conversation have changed if you had led with "here is what would really support me"?
  • • What is one concrete request you can make this week that clearly communicates a need without attacking the other person?
2

People often feel and show love in different ways, so understanding your partner's primary way of feeling loved is essential for creating real connection.

Reflection Questions:

  • • How does the person closest to you seem to feel most loved: through words, touch, time, service, or recognition?
  • • In what ways might you be expressing love in the way that works for you rather than in the way that lands for them?
  • • What is one small, specific action you could take this week that aligns with how they best receive love?
3

Evaluating a relationship through fundamental needs like certainty, variety, significance, love, growth, and contribution can reveal where the true pain points are.

Reflection Questions:

  • • If you scored one key relationship from 0-10 on each of the six needs, which two areas would show up as the weakest?
  • • How could you start improving just one of those low-scoring needs with a small, consistent habit or change?
  • • Where might your expectations about how these needs should be met be silently eroding your connection?
4

Committing for a defined period to unselfishly meet the other person's needs provides clarity: you either rekindle the relationship or you can move on without regret.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in your life are you considering leaving a situation without having fully tested what is possible if you show up differently?
  • • How could a 30-90 day "all-in" experiment of changing your behavior give you more certainty about a major relationship or work decision?
  • • What specific behaviors would you commit to for such a period so you know you truly did everything you could?
5

Choosing to "go first" in apologizing and reconnecting is an act of leadership that can quickly shift the emotional climate of a relationship.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In which relationship are you currently waiting for the other person to make the first move toward repair or improvement?
  • • How might taking responsibility for your part and initiating an apology change the trajectory of that relationship?
  • • What is one conversation you could initiate in the next few days where you lead with humility and a desire to make things better?

Episode Summary - Notes by Sawyer

"Is My Marriage Worth Fighting For?" - Tony & Sage Robbins FULL Relationship Intervention
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