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TED Talks Daily

The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood (re-release)

with Katie Hood

Published October 18, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Relationship expert Katie Hood explains that while love is a powerful instinct and emotion, the ability to love well is a skill that must be learned and practiced. Drawing on her work with the One Love organization, she outlines five clear markers of unhealthy love-intensity, isolation, extreme jealousy, belittling, and volatility-and shows how these can escalate into abuse if left unchecked. She emphasizes using shared language to recognize unhealthy dynamics in all types of relationships and encourages daily practice of open communication, respect, kindness, and patience to build healthier connections.

Topics Covered

Relationships Romantic relationships Domestic abuse Boundaries Emotional intelligence Parenting and child development Personal Development Communication skills Social bonding

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Quick Takeaways

  • Love is not just a feeling but a skill that requires conscious learning and daily practice.
  • Unhealthy love often begins as exciting and intense but can gradually become overwhelming, isolating, and dangerous.
  • Five key markers of unhealthy love are intensity, isolation, extreme jealousy, belittling, and volatility.
  • Abuse frequently hides in plain sight, mislabeled as drama, moodiness, or partying, and can be missed without clear language for the warning signs.
  • Maintaining independence, friendships, and activities outside a relationship is a core feature of healthy love.
  • Extreme jealousy and possessiveness are not signs of deep love but of mistrust and control.
  • Words that humiliate, mock, or silence a partner are forms of emotional harm, even when disguised as jokes.
  • Breaking up with an abusive partner can be a high‑risk moment that often requires expert help to do safely.
  • Recognizing unhealthy behaviors in yourself, as well as others, is essential; even caring people can act in unhealthy ways.
  • Teaching young people the language and skills of healthy relationships can raise their standards for how they are treated and empower them to speak up.

Podcast Notes

Host introduction and episode setup

Elise Hu introduces TED Talks Daily

The show delivers new ideas daily to spark curiosity[2:35]
Elise Hu identifies herself as the host[2:38]

Framing the topic of healthy vs unhealthy love

Elise asks how you know when you're in an unhealthy relationship[2:39]
She describes this as an archive talk by relationship expert Katie Hood[2:42]
Elise summarizes Katie's core message: love is a verb and a skill to actively practice[2:48]
Katie will reveal five signs of unhealthy relationships that can apply to romantic partners, friends, or family members[2:50]
Elise notes that Katie offers daily practices for loving with respect, kindness, and joy[2:58]

Opening reflections on love and lack of relationship education

Emotional associations with love

Katie invites the audience to think about a child, close friend, or romantic partner and the word "love" that comes to mind[3:08]
She lists emotions typically associated with love: joy, hope, excitement, trust, security, and sometimes sadness and disappointment[3:16]
Katie suggests there may not be another word in the dictionary that more people feel connected to than "love"[3:27]

We are not explicitly taught how to love

Despite love's central importance, Katie points out we are never explicitly taught how to love[3:33]
She notes that people build friendships, start romantic relationships, marry, and bring babies home assuming they will "figure it out"[3:36]
Katie argues that in reality, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love[3:46]

Everyday examples of unhealthy behavior in relationships

She gives subtle examples: guilting a friend into spending time with you[3:50]
Another example is sneaking a look at a partner's text messages[3:54]
She adds shaming a child for lack of effort at school as a further example[3:57]
Katie emphasizes that 100% of people will be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationship behaviors[4:01]
She also stresses that 100% of people will themselves do unhealthy things in relationships[4:06]
She frames this universality as part of being human[4:09]

From everyday harm to abuse and violence

Abuse as the worst form of relationship harm

Katie explains that in its worst form, harm in relationships shows up as abuse and violence[4:11]
She states that relationship abuse will be experienced by one in three women in their lifetime[4:16]
She adds that one in four men will also experience relationship abuse in their lifetime[4:19]

Denial and distancing from the idea of abuse

Katie notes that most people hearing those statistics instinctively think abuse could never happen to them[4:27]
She says it is instinctual to move away from words like "abuse" and "violence" and imagine they happen to someone else, somewhere else[4:28]
She counters that unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us[4:35]
Often we call these situations different things and ignore the connection to abuse[4:40]
Katie states that abuse often sneaks up disguised as unhealthy love[4:43]

The One Love story and mission

Background of the One Love organization

Katie shares that she works for an organization called One Love[4:48]
One Love was started by a family whose daughter, Yardley, was killed by her ex-boyfriend[4:51]
Katie emphasizes that no one knew this tragedy was coming[4:54]
When the family looked back, they realized the warning signs had been present[4:59]
She notes that people had labeled his actions as "crazy," "drama," or "too much drinking" rather than danger[5:03]
The warning behaviors were not understood as clear signs of danger[5:11]
Yardley's family concluded that if anyone had been educated about these signs, her death could have been prevented[5:13]

One Love's three main goals

First goal: give people a language for talking about a subject that is awkward and uncomfortable to discuss[5:27]
Second goal: empower a front line of friends to help when they see warning signs[5:33]
Third goal: improve everyone's ability to love better[5:38]

Approach to educating young people

Katie says their work focuses on creating content that starts conversations with young people[5:48]
She notes that most of their content is serious, given the subject of abuse and unhealthy relationships[5:53]
In this talk, she will focus on five markers of unhealthy love[5:58]

Five markers of unhealthy love

Marker 1: Intensity

Katie states that abusive relationships do not start out abusive; they begin as exciting and exhilarating[6:08]
There is an intensity of affection and emotion that feels like a rush[6:10]
Initially, it feels very good, and you may feel extremely lucky, as if you have "hit the jackpot"[6:13]
Over time, in unhealthy love, these feelings shift from exciting to overwhelming and suffocating[6:17]
You may sense this shift in your gut[6:17]
Examples include a new partner saying "I love you" faster than you are ready for[6:31]
Other examples: the partner starts showing up everywhere, calling and texting a lot[6:32]
They may become impatient when you are slow to respond, even when they know you had other things going on[6:40]
Katie emphasizes that what matters is not how a relationship starts but how it evolves[6:43]
She advises paying attention in the early days to whether you feel comfortable with the pace of intimacy[6:53]
She suggests noticing whether you feel you have space and room to breathe[6:57]
She stresses the importance of practicing using your voice to talk about your own needs[6:59]
A key question she offers: Are your requests respected?[7:05]

Marker 2: Isolation

Katie calls isolation one of the most frequently missed and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love[7:15]
She explains that because new relationships often involve an intense desire to spend time together, isolation is easy to miss[7:22]
Isolation appears when a partner starts pulling you away from friends and family and tethering you more tightly to them[7:29]
Examples of isolating comments include criticizing your best friends as "losers"[7:39]
Another example: telling you that your family wants you to break up and is "totally against" the relationship[7:43]
Katie explains that isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt about the people from your pre-relationship life[7:46]
She contrasts this with healthy love, which includes independence[7:52]
In healthy love, two people enjoy spending time together but stay connected to prior friends and activities[7:55]
Over time, maintaining independence is key to a healthy relationship[8:04]
Practical tips: make plans with friends and stick to them, and encourage your partner to do the same[8:07]

Marker 3: Extreme jealousy

Katie says that as the honeymoon period fades, extreme jealousy can emerge[8:19]
A jealous partner may become more demanding, needing to know where you are and who you are with all the time[8:21]
They might start following you everywhere, both online and offline[8:27]
Extreme jealousy includes possessiveness and mistrust[8:30]
It shows up as frequent accusations that you are flirting with others or cheating[8:34]
The jealous partner refuses to listen when you reassure them that there is nothing to worry about and that you only love them[8:40]
Katie acknowledges that jealousy is a part of human relationships[8:42]
She distinguishes extreme jealousy as different, with a threatening, desperate, and angry edge[8:48]
She states clearly that love should not feel like that[8:52]

Marker 4: Belittling

In unhealthy love, Katie says words are used as weapons[8:57]
Conversations that were once fun and lighthearted become mean and embarrassing[8:59]
Examples include a partner making fun of you in ways that hurt[9:03]
They might tell stories or jokes for laughs at your expense[9:06]
When you explain that your feelings have been hurt, they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting[9:13]
Common minimizing responses she cites include being called too sensitive or being asked what your problem is[9:18]
These reactions silence you and discourage you from speaking up[9:20]
Katie states that a partner should "have your back"[9:25]
Their words should build you up rather than break you down[9:27]
They should keep your secrets and be loyal[9:30]
They should make you feel more confident, not less confident[9:32]

Marker 5: Volatility

Katie defines volatility as frequent breakups and make-ups and emotional extremes[9:39]
There are high highs and low lows as tension rises in the relationship[9:41]
She describes tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional reconciliations[9:46]
Hateful comments such as telling someone they are worthless or questioning why you are with them appear in volatile dynamics[9:50]
These harsh comments are quickly followed by apologies and promises that it will never happen again[9:54]
By this point, she says, you may be so conditioned to the relationship rollercoaster that you no longer see how unhealthy it is[10:01]
She notes it can be hard to see when unhealthy love crosses the line into abuse[10:11]
Katie says that the more of these markers a relationship has, the more unhealthy and potentially dangerous it is[10:16]

Leaving unhealthy or abusive relationships safely

She acknowledges that many people instinctively advise friends to just break up and leave unhealthy relationships[10:24]
Katie warns that this is not always the best advice[10:27]
She notes that the time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence[10:28]
If someone fears they may be heading toward or are already in abuse, she stresses the need to consult experts[10:34]
Experts can advise on how to leave as safely as possible[10:36]

Applying the signs beyond romantic relationships

Relevance outside of dating

Katie emphasizes that the issue is not just about romantic relationships and not just about violence[10:38]
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you evaluate almost every relationship in your life[10:44]
She suggests you might, for the first time, understand why you are disappointed in a friendship[10:50]
You may realize why every interaction with a certain person or family member leaves you discouraged and anxious[10:54]
You might also see how your own intensity and jealousy cause problems with colleagues at work[11:04]
Katie frames understanding as the first step to improving relationships[11:06]
She recognizes that not every unhealthy relationship can be made healthy; some will need to be left behind[11:11]
However, she stresses that you can do your part every day to "do relationships better"[11:15]

Practicing healthy relationship behaviors

Core elements of healthy love

Katie states that open communication, mutual respect, kindness, and patience are key elements of healthy relationships[11:23]
She says these are not rocket science and can be practiced every day[11:21]

Practice improves but does not perfect us

Katie admits that even though she works on healthy relationships for a living, she still does unhealthy things[11:43]
She underscores that practice will make you better but not perfect[11:31]

Parenting anecdote: recognizing her own unhealthy behavior

Losing her temper with her children

Katie describes a recent morning trying to get her four kids out the door[11:47]
The kids were quarreling, squabbling, and complaining about breakfast[11:49]
She says she completely lost it in response[11:51]
With an intentionally angry tone, she shouted for everyone to be quiet and obey her[11:53]
She told them they were the worst and threatened to take away screen time, dessert, and anything else they could enjoy in life[12:01]
Katie labels her own behavior in that moment as volatility and belittling[12:09]

Her son's response and the value of shared language

Her oldest son turned around and told her, "Mom, that's not love."[12:15]
She admits that for a moment she wanted to react angrily to being called out[12:21]
After gathering herself, she realized she was proud of him for using that language[12:33]
She is glad he has a language that can make her pause and reflect on her behavior[12:33]
Katie says she wants all her children to understand what the bar should be for how they are treated[12:40]
She wants them to have a language and a voice when that bar is not met, rather than simply accepting poor treatment[12:40]

Reframing relationship skills as essential and learnable

Relationships as a "soft topic" versus hard skills

Katie argues that for too long relationships have been treated as a soft topic[12:47]
She counters that relationship skills are among the most important and hardest to build in life[12:53]

Benefits of understanding unhealthy and healthy patterns

Katie says that understanding unhealthy signs can help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love[13:02]
She also asserts that understanding and practicing the art of being healthy in relationships can improve nearly every aspect of your life[13:05]

Love as instinct vs. skill

Katie is convinced that love is both an instinct and an emotion[13:10]
She believes that the ability to love better is a skill that everyone can build and improve over time[13:19]

Host closing

Production credits and sign-off

Elise Hu notes the episode was mixed by Lucy Little, with additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Balarezo[13:58]
She says she will be back with another idea and thanks listeners for listening[14:03]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Recognizing specific markers of unhealthy love-such as intensity, isolation, extreme jealousy, belittling, and volatility-helps you see warning signs early instead of dismissing them as drama or personality quirks.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which of the five markers of unhealthy love have I seen show up in my own relationships, either from me or toward me?
  • • How might my view of a current or past relationship change if I systematically check it against these five markers?
  • • What concrete step could I take this week to address even one subtle unhealthy pattern I now recognize?
2

Maintaining independence and outside connections is a core feature of healthy love; a partner who pulls you away from friends, family, and activities creates conditions where control and abuse can grow.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my current relationships have I let go of important friendships or interests in ways that feel more like pressure than free choice?
  • • How could I reintroduce or protect time with supportive people and activities without framing it as a rejection of my partner or loved ones?
  • • What is one boundary I can assert this month to safeguard my independence while still nurturing closeness?
3

Language and shared concepts around healthy and unhealthy behaviors give people-especially young people-the power to call out harmful dynamics and pause destructive patterns in the moment.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Who in my life would benefit from learning these terms and markers so they can better advocate for themselves?
  • • How might conversations with my partner, friends, or children change if we had a clear, shared vocabulary for unhealthy behaviors?
  • • What is one specific phrase or concept from this talk that I can intentionally introduce in a conversation this week?
4

Relationship skills like open communication, mutual respect, kindness, and patience are not innate gifts but hard-won skills that improve with deliberate practice-even for people who teach this material.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In which recurring situations do I most often abandon communication, respect, or patience and default to unhealthy reactions?
  • • How could I rehearse or plan a different, healthier response for the next time that situation arises?
  • • What small daily habit-like pausing before reacting or checking in about needs-can I practice to gradually strengthen my relationship skills?
5

Leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship can be dangerous if handled impulsively; thoughtful planning and expert guidance can make the process much safer.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Have I or someone I care about ever assumed that "just breaking up" was the safest answer without considering potential risks?
  • • How might consulting professionals or hotlines change the way I would support a friend in an abusive situation?
  • • What information or resources could I look up and keep handy now so I am prepared to respond more safely if abuse is suspected?
6

Self-awareness includes recognizing that you, too, can act in unhealthy ways-even toward people you love most-and using those moments as cues to repair, learn, and reset your standards.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When was the last time I said or did something in anger that looked like belittling or volatility, and how did I handle it afterward?
  • • How could I create space in my relationships for others to safely tell me, as Katie's son did, that my behavior "isn't love" when I cross a line?
  • • What repair action-such as apologizing specifically, changing a pattern, or inviting feedback-can I take this week in a relationship I value?

Episode Summary - Notes by Kendall

The difference between healthy and unhealthy love | Katie Hood (re-release)
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