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TED Talks Daily

(#8) Elise's Top Ten: Change your story, change your life | Lori Gottlieb

with Lori Gottlieb

Published September 20, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Host Elise Hu introduces a favorite TED Talk by psychotherapist and author Lori Gottlieb, which explores how the stories people tell about their lives shape their experiences. Gottlieb explains that most problems reduce to themes of freedom and change, and she illustrates how reframing our narratives, considering other perspectives, and accepting responsibility can open up new possibilities for connection and growth.

Topics Covered

Narrative psychology Personal Development Personal narrative Therapy Relationships Depression Perspective shift Identity Vulnerability Change and loss

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • We are all unreliable narrators of our own lives, shaping our stories through what we emphasize, omit, and choose to see.
  • Most personal stories circle around two core themes: freedom and change, with many people feeling trapped yet fearing the responsibility that freedom entails.
  • People often say they want to change but really hope that someone else in the story will change instead.
  • Rewriting a story from another character's point of view can reveal hidden motives, shared longings, and open up more compassionate interpretations.
  • There is a crucial difference between "idiot compassion" that simply agrees with our narratives and "wise compassion" that offers uncomfortable but clarifying truth.
  • Emotional states like depression, loneliness, and rejection narrow our perspective and can turn us into "fake news broadcasters" about our own lives.
  • Thinking about the obituary that will one day be written about us can motivate us to take authorship of our stories and move from victim to hero.

Podcast Notes

Host introduction and context for the playlist

Elise Hu introduces TED Talks Daily and herself

Elise states that listeners are hearing TED Talks Daily and identifies herself as the host, Elise Hu[2:25]
She describes the show as bringing new ideas to spark curiosity every day[2:21]

Framing her top talks and the new podcast playlist

Elise notes the question she gets most often is which TED Talks have stood out to her or are her favorites[2:32]
She says she has more than 10 favorites, but they had to start somewhere, so they created a playlist[2:39]
She explains they dropped 10 of her favorite TED Talks on the feed as their first-ever podcast playlist[2:46]

Introducing Lori Gottlieb's talk and why it matters to Elise

Elise introduces the next talk as being from psychotherapist and author Lori Gottlieb[2:51]
She says the talk has had a profound impact on her life and thinking[2:54]
Elise summarizes one of the key ideas she took from the talk: most of life's problems boil down to wanting one of two things, freedom or change[2:59]
She emphasizes that it's important to take something else into account, and says Lori Gottlieb will get into it[3:09]

Lori Gottlieb introduces her work and the idea of "problems of living"

Unusual inbox from being a therapist and advice columnist

Lori begins by describing a recent email she saw in her inbox[3:21]
She notes her inbox is unusual because she is a therapist and writes an advice column called "Dear Therapist"[3:28]
She says she has read thousands of very personal letters from strangers all over the world[3:37]
The letters range from heartbreak and loss to conflicts with parents or siblings[3:41]
She keeps these letters in a folder on her laptop that she has named "The Problems of Living"[3:48]

Reading the letter about a suspected affair

Lori reads a letter beginning "Dear Therapist" from a woman married for 10 years whose husband has lost interest in sex in recent years[4:00]
• The writer says things in the marriage were good until a couple of years ago, when her husband stopped wanting sex as much and now they barely have sex at all
• The writer notes she discovered her husband has been having long, late-night phone calls for months with a gorgeous co-worker she found by Googling
• She recalls that her father had an affair with a co-worker when she was young, which broke the family apart
• She says she is devastated, feels she could never trust her husband again if she stays, but also does not want to put her kids through divorce and a stepmom situation
• The letter ends with her asking, "What should I do?"

Initial empathic reactions and the problem of narrative

Lori invites the audience to consider what they think the woman should do after hearing the letter[4:47]
She notes that listeners might focus on the pain of infidelity or its compounded pain given the woman's childhood experience with her father's affair[4:48]
She says, like the audience, she feels empathy for the woman and probably less positive feelings toward the husband[5:03]
Lori explains that when she responds to such letters she has to be careful because each letter is just a story written by a specific author[5:18]
She emphasizes that another version of this story always exists[5:21]
She states that if she has learned anything as a therapist, it's that we are all unreliable narrators of our own lives[5:29]
• She includes herself, the audience, and everyone they know as being unreliable narrators
She jokes that admitting this might make the audience less likely to believe her TED Talk[5:40]

How stories are selective and take a moral stance

Lori clarifies that people are not usually purposely misleading; most of what they tell her is true from their current point of view[5:48]
She explains that depending on what people emphasize or minimize, what they include or omit, and what they see or want her to see, they tell their stories in a particular way[5:56]
She cites psychologist Jerome Bruner, who said that to tell a story is inescapably to take a moral stance[6:04]
Lori notes that everyone walks around with stories about their lives explaining why choices were made, why things went wrong, and justifying how they treated others or how others treated them[6:11]
She says stories are how we make sense of our lives[6:20]
She raises the question of what happens when the stories we tell are misleading, incomplete, or wrong[6:24]
She argues that instead of providing clarity, such stories keep us stuck[6:32]

How our stories shape our lives: themes of freedom and change

Stories shaping reality instead of the other way around

Lori says we tend to assume our circumstances shape our stories, but in her work she finds the opposite happens[6:35]
She asserts that the way we narrate our lives shapes what they become[6:43]
She notes this is the danger of our stories because they can "really mess us up," but it's also their power[6:49]
The implication she draws is that if we can change our stories, we can change our lives[6:53]

Why Lori calls herself an editor

She reiterates she is a therapist and says she is not being an unreliable narrator about that[7:01]
On airplanes, if someone asks what she does, she usually says she is an editor[7:05]
She partly does this because saying she is a therapist often leads to awkward questions like whether she will psychoanalyze the person[7:13]
She jokes that if she said she was a gynecologist, people wouldn't ask if she was about to give them a pelvic exam[7:26]
Her main reason for calling herself an editor is that it is true of her role[7:27]
She says all therapists help people edit their stories, but her specific work in the "Dear Therapist" column makes her think explicitly like an editor[7:35]
When editing for the column, she is not just helping one person but trying to teach a whole group of readers how to edit using one letter as an example[7:40]
She describes considering questions like what material is extraneous, whether the protagonist is moving forward or going in circles, whether supporting characters are important or distracting, and whether the plot points reveal a theme[7:48]

Two key themes underlying most stories: freedom and change

Lori observes that most people's stories tend to circle around two key themes: freedom and change[8:03]
She explains that these are the themes she starts with when she edits[8:03]

Stories about freedom and feeling trapped

Lori says stories about freedom sound like this: in general we believe we have an enormous amount of freedom except regarding the particular problem at hand[8:20]
In relation to the problem at hand, people suddenly feel they have no freedom[8:24]
Many stories are about feeling trapped or imprisoned by families, jobs, relationships, or pasts[8:27]
She notes that sometimes people imprison themselves with narratives of self-criticism or self-flagellation[8:38]
She lists common unhelpful stories: "everyone's life is better than mine" (aided by social media), "I'm an imposter," "I'm unlovable," and "nothing will ever work out for me"[8:40]
She humorously adds a story where if she says "Hey, Siri" and Siri doesn't answer, she interprets it as Siri hating her, and notes many in the audience might do something similar[8:49]
She links the woman who wrote the letter to this feeling of being trapped: if she stays, she'll never trust her husband; if she leaves, her children will suffer[8:55]

The prisoner cartoon and the "bars" of responsibility

Lori describes a cartoon of a prisoner shaking the bars, desperately trying to get out, but on both sides the space is open with no bars[9:13]
She explains the prisoner is not actually in jail, and says this is like most of us in our emotional lives[9:20]
We feel completely trapped and stuck in our emotional jail cells but do not walk around the bars to freedom[9:25]
She argues we avoid stepping around the bars because we know there is a catch: freedom comes with responsibility[9:31]
If we take responsibility for our role in the story, we might have to change[9:36]

Stories about change and the fear of loss

Wanting to change by having others change instead

Lori identifies change as the other common theme she sees in people's stories[9:40]
She notes that people often say, "I want to change," but what they really mean is they want another character in the story to change[9:50]
She quotes a therapist saying expressing this dynamic with the phrase, "If the queen had balls, she'd be the king," illustrating that the logic doesn't hold[9:55]
She questions why we wouldn't want the protagonist, the hero of the story, to change[10:01]

Why change is scary: loss of the familiar and the blank page

Lori suggests one reason we resist changing the protagonist is that change, even positive change, involves loss[10:09]
She describes this as loss of the familiar, noting that even if the familiar is unpleasant or miserable, at least we know the characters, setting, and recurring dialogue[10:14]
• She gives an example of recurring dialogue: one partner says, "You never do the laundry" and the other responds, "I did it last time," followed by, "Oh yeah, when?"
She points out there is something oddly comforting about knowing exactly how the story will go each time[10:28]
Writing a new chapter means venturing into the unknown and staring at a blank page, which she notes writers find terrifying[10:40]
She says that once we edit our story, the next chapter becomes much easier to write[10:46]

Unknowing yourself to live your real life

Lori observes that our culture emphasizes getting to know ourselves[10:50]
She argues that part of getting to know yourself is to "unknow" yourself by letting go of the one version of the story you've been telling about your life[10:53]
She connects this to living your life rather than living the story you tell yourself about your life[11:02]
She says this process is how we walk around the metaphorical bars of our emotional jail cells[11:06]

Editing our stories: from advice-giving to compassionate truth

Limits of advice and the concept of ultra-crepidarianism

Lori returns to the letter about the affair, noting the woman asked what she should do[11:09]
She says she has a word taped up in her office: "ultra-crepidarianism"[11:15]
She defines ultra-crepidarianism as the habit of giving advice or opinions outside of one's knowledge or competence[11:20]
Lori says the word reminds her that as a therapist she can help people sort out what they want to do but cannot make their life choices for them[11:35]
She asserts that only the individual can write their story; they just need tools[11:41]

Inviting the audience to edit their own stories

Lori proposes to edit the woman's letter together as a way to demonstrate how people can revise their own stories[11:43]
She asks the audience to think of a story they are currently telling themselves that may not be serving them well[11:56]
• She suggests the story might be about a circumstance, another person, or even about themselves
She encourages listeners to look at the supporting characters in their story and identify who is helping them uphold the wrong version of the story[12:11]

Idiot compassion vs wise compassion

Lori introduces the term "idiot compassion" for how friends might respond to the woman's story[12:20]
In idiot compassion, friends go along with the story and say things like, "You're right, that's so unfair"[12:20]
She gives an example of a friend who complains about not getting a promotion, even though it's happened before because he doesn't put in effort and perhaps steals office supplies[12:34]
• In that scenario, friends typically respond, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk," rather than confronting the person's own role
Another example is a friend whose boyfriend broke up with her, where others know she behaves in problematic ways like incessant texting or going through his drawers[12:47]
She uses the saying that if a fight breaks out in every bar you go to, it might be you, to illustrate the pattern[12:53]
Lori says that to be good editors of stories, people need to offer "wise compassion" to friends and to themselves[13:01]
She playfully calls wise compassion "delivering compassionate truth bombs"[13:08]
She explains these truth bombs are compassionate because they show what has been left out of the story and help the person see more clearly[13:13]

Questioning the assumptions in the first affair letter

Lori notes that in fact, no one knows from the letter whether the woman's husband is having an affair or why their sex life changed two years ago or what the late-night calls are about[13:20]
She suggests that because of her history, the woman may be writing a singular story of betrayal[13:29]
She proposes that there is probably something else the woman is not willing to let Lori or perhaps herself see[13:31]

Point of view and what we refuse to see

Lori tells a joke about a man taking a Rorschach test who insists he "definitely" doesn't see blood in the inkblot[13:38]
When the examiner asks what else he definitely doesn't see, it highlights that his denials reveal what is actually on his mind[13:57]
Lori says in writing this issue is called "point of view" and asks what the narrator is not willing to see[14:00]

Seeing the same story from another narrator's point of view

Reading the husband's version of the story

Lori reads another letter that begins "Dear Therapist" from a man describing his wife being irritated by everything he does, including the noise he makes when he chews[14:12]
• He says at breakfast she tries to secretly put extra milk in his granola so it won't be as crunchy
• He feels she became critical after his father died two years earlier, notes he was very close to his father, and that her father left when she was young so she couldn't relate to his grief
• He mentions a friend at work whose father died recently and who understands his grief, and says he wishes he could talk to his wife the way he talks to this friend
• He feels his wife barely tolerates him now and asks, "How can I get my wife back?"

Revealing it is the same story and the deeper shared theme

Lori points out that this is the same story as the first letter, told from another narrator's point of view[14:59]
She summarizes that the wife's story is about a husband who is cheating, while the husband's story is about a wife who can't understand his grief[15:01]
She notes that despite their differences, both stories are fundamentally about a longing for connection[15:13]
She argues that if we step out of first-person narration and write from another character's perspective, that character becomes more sympathetic and the plot opens up[15:20]
She calls this the hardest step in the editing process but also the point where change begins[15:26]

Encouraging listeners to rewrite their own stories from other viewpoints

Lori asks what would happen if listeners looked at their own story and wrote it from another person's point of view[15:35]
She invites them to consider what they would see from this wider perspective[15:40]

How depression and hurt narrow perspective and distort stories

Lori says that when she sees people who are depressed, she sometimes tells them they are not the best person to talk to themselves about themselves right now[15:47]
She explains that depression distorts stories in a particular way and narrows perspective[15:52]
She notes the same narrowing happens when people feel lonely, hurt, or rejected[15:56]
In those states, people create stories through a very narrow lens they don't even realize they are looking through[17:17]
She says that when this happens, people become their own "fake news broadcasters"[16:05]

Confession about the husband's letter and multiple real-life versions

Lori confesses that she wrote the husband's version of the letter herself[16:10]
She jokes about how much time she spent debating whether to use granola or pita chips in the letter[16:15]
She based the letter on alternative narratives she has seen over the years in her therapy practice and column[16:21]
She mentions that sometimes two people involved in the same situation have written to her, unknowingly, giving her two versions of the same story in her inbox[16:27]
She says that really has happened, reinforcing that multiple perspectives on one situation exist[16:35]
She notes she does not know the actual alternative version of the woman's letter but insists the woman herself has to write it[16:40]
With a courageous edit, Lori believes the woman will write a more nuanced version of her story, regardless of whether the husband is having an affair[17:36]
Lori notes the woman does not need to know the full plot yet; doing the edit will generate many more possible plots[16:54]

Help-rejecting complainers, mortality, and choosing your story

Help-rejecting complainers and rejecting edits

Lori notes that sometimes she encounters people who are really stuck and very invested in their stuckness[17:11]
She says therapists call them "help-rejecting complainers"[17:13]
She describes them as people who respond to suggestions with variations of "Yeah, no, that'll never work because..." or "That's impossible because I can't do that"[17:23]
An example she gives is someone saying they want more friends but asserting that people are just so annoying[17:30]
She interprets their behavior as rejecting an edit to their story of misery and stuckness[17:36]

Using mortality and obituaries to reframe authorship

With such clients, Lori says she sometimes takes a different approach by stating, "We're all going to die"[17:42]
She notes that people look at her with confusion when she says this, much as the audience does[17:57]
She explains that eventually a story gets written about all of us: an obituary[18:01]
She tells people that instead of being authors of their own unhappiness, they can shape these stories while still alive[18:13]
She says we get to be the hero, not just the victim, in our stories[18:17]
We can choose what goes on the page that lives in our minds and shapes our realities[18:20]
Lori frames life as deciding which stories to listen to and which ones need an edit[18:27]
She argues it's worth the effort to revise because nothing is more important to the quality of our lives than the stories we tell ourselves about them[18:35]
She tells people that in terms of their life stories, they should aim for their own personal Pulitzer Prize[18:42]

Recognizing our own help-rejecting tendencies and closing advice

Lori notes that most people do not believe they are help-rejecting complainers, but it is easy to slip into that role when anxious, angry, or vulnerable[18:46]
She advises that next time listeners are struggling, they should remember that everyone is going to die and then pull out their editing tools[18:55]
She suggests asking, "What do I want my story to be?"[19:07]
She ends by encouraging people to go write their masterpiece[19:12]
Applause follows her conclusion[19:15]

Host outro, archival context, and credits

Elise Hu contextualizes the talk in the TED archives and playlist

Elise identifies the talk as Lori Gottlieb speaking at TED at DuPont 2019[19:24]
She notes this is the eighth TED Talk from the TED archives being reposted as part of the first podcast playlist of her top 10 TED Talks[19:28]
She says she is glad listeners just heard from Lori Gottlieb because it pairs well with the next talk[19:35]
She describes the next talk as a classic from psychotherapist Esther Perel[19:44]
Elise invites listeners curious about TED's curation to find out more at TED.com slash curation guidelines[19:50]

Credits and production team acknowledgments

Elise notes that TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective[19:52]
She says the talk was fact-checked by the TED Research Team and produced and edited by Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, and Tansika Sangmarnivong[20:02]
She credits Lucy Little with mixing the episode and mentions additional support from Emma Tobner and Daniela Balarezo[20:08]
Elise closes by identifying herself again and thanking listeners[20:12]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

The way you narrate your experiences actively shapes your reality, so updating your internal story can open up new possibilities for how your life unfolds.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What is one recurring story you tell yourself about your life that might be keeping you stuck rather than helping you move forward?
  • • How could you rewrite this story in a way that acknowledges your responsibility and expands your options instead of limiting them?
  • • This week, when you catch yourself repeating an old narrative, how will you pause and deliberately choose a more helpful version of that story?
2

Feeling trapped often comes from ignoring your own freedom and the responsibility that comes with it, not from a total lack of options.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in your life do you currently feel most "imprisoned," and what options might be available that you are refusing to consider?
  • • How does accepting more responsibility for your role in a difficult situation change the range of actions you could take?
  • • What is one small, concrete step you can take this month that represents walking "around the bars" instead of shaking them?
3

True growth requires wise compassion-being willing to see and speak uncomfortable truths-instead of simply validating the version of events that feels good.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In what situations do you tend to offer "idiot compassion" to yourself or others rather than honest, constructive feedback?
  • • How might practicing "compassionate truth bombs" with a trusted friend or partner improve your relationships and decision-making?
  • • What is one area of your life where you could seek wise compassion from someone who will challenge your story instead of just agreeing with it?
4

Shifting perspective and telling the story from another character's point of view can transform enemies into humans and conflicts into opportunities for connection.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Who in your life do you currently see as the "villain," and how would your story change if you rewrote it from their perspective?
  • • How could practicing this perspective shift help you respond differently in a current tension or misunderstanding?
  • • What specific conflict will you experiment with rewriting from the other person's point of view this week, and what do you notice when you do?
5

Keeping mortality in view can motivate you to stop being the passive victim of your narrative and instead actively craft the story you'd be proud to have remembered.

Reflection Questions:

  • • If an honest obituary were written about you today, what key storylines would it highlight, and how would you feel about them?
  • • How might remembering that "we are all going to die" change the urgency with which you revise an unhelpful pattern in your life?
  • • What is one chapter of your life story you'd like to rewrite over the next year so that it better reflects the kind of person you want to be?

Episode Summary - Notes by Cameron

(#8) Elise's Top Ten: Change your story, change your life | Lori Gottlieb
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