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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Jay & Radhi Talk About Why Men Feel So Lonely

Published November 8, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Jay Shetty and Radhi Devlikhia discuss why so many men feel lonely, drawing on recent research about a "friendship recession" and their own personal experiences. They explore how male friendships are often structured around activities rather than emotional sharing, the stigma men face when being vulnerable, and how online narratives about masculinity can discourage openness. They offer practical ideas for building deeper connections, reframing vulnerability as a strength, and intentionally cultivating a small circle of trusted friends.

Topics Covered

Loneliness Social isolation Relationships Social bonding Mental health Personal Development Happiness Sex differences in psychology Marriage Community building

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • Research shows a sharp rise in men reporting no close friends and high levels of loneliness, especially among younger men.
  • Male friendships often center on shared activities like sports or drinking, which can leave little room for deeper emotional conversations.
  • Many men still see vulnerability as weakness, and attempts to open up are sometimes mocked by friends, reinforcing emotional isolation.
  • Online narratives about "alpha males" and jokes about men being "too emotional" make it harder for men to feel safe expressing feelings.
  • Building one-to-one friendships and intentionally making time for them can create space for deeper connection than large group hangouts.
  • A key test of loneliness is whether you have even one person you can call at 3 a.m. to share struggles and another to share your biggest wins.
  • Loneliness is linked to serious physical and mental health risks and can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
  • Friendship is a learned skill that requires effort, consistency, and sometimes forming new circles when old ones can't hold vulnerability.
  • Systems like planning how often you see different friends (weekly, monthly, quarterly) can help sustain meaningful relationships over time.
  • Older men's health and wellbeing are particularly affected by social isolation, highlighting the need to build community long before old age.

Podcast Notes

Introduction to the episode and conversation format

Why Jay and Radhi created these joint conversation episodes

They want to share the kinds of conversations they normally have in cars, while traveling, and when they have space to think[3:54]
• These are the conversations they have about what's happening in the world and what friends are struggling with
Goal is to have open-ended, curious conversations about difficult topics[3:35]
• They hope listeners can watch alone, with a partner, or with friends and feel they have a space to explore these issues
They want to serve people who may not know who to go to or where to turn with these questions[3:54]

Framing the topic: why are men so lonely?

Introduction of "friendship recession" among men

Researchers are calling current trends a friendship recession among men[4:09]
Headline statistics about male friendships in the US[4:18]
• 15% of US men reported having no close friends in 2021, up from 3% in 1990
• Only 13% of men have 10 or more close friends, down from 33% in 1990
• One in four US men under 35 report feeling lonely
• US men are lonelier than peers in most developed countries according to the discussion
Loneliness recognized as a public health issue[4:50]
• US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy declared loneliness a national epidemic in 2023

Cultural references to loneliness

Radhi jokes that Akon's song "Lonely" was prescient about widespread loneliness[5:06]
• Jay responds that Justin Bieber also has a song called "Lonely", which he likes
Jay notes men are speaking about loneliness, but society may not be listening[5:28]
• He frames the issue as people talking about it, but others not truly hearing or responding

How men and women tend to socialize differently

Observation of men in groups vs women

Radhi notices men often travel in packs, especially at the gym[5:34]
• She describes seeing two, three, or even six men hyping each other up while working out
She contrasts this with women more often doing things alone or in quieter pairs[5:43]
• She notes girls will be alone doing their own thing, whereas men arrive in groups

Activity-based vs conversation-based bonding

Radhi suggests women's activities create space for emotional conversation[6:13]
• Examples: getting nails done or grabbing coffee forces you to sit and talk
She describes men's typical meetups: going to the pub to watch a game or playing sports[6:29]
• Those environments leave little room beyond small talk about games before and after
Conclusion: the way men spend time together reflects why emotional connection is lacking[6:40]
• She half-jokingly suggests men should get their nails done together to create space to talk

Jay's acknowledgment of needing extra effort to talk

Jay agrees he must make a concerted effort to have conversations with friends around sports[6:52]
• He notes that his preferred ways to see friends are playing sports, being outdoors, or watching games
He emphasizes even as a man who doesn't feel lonely, he has to work to create talk time[7:10]

Jay's personal experience with friendship and avoiding loneliness

Maintaining close friendships after moving countries

Jay explains that he and Radhi moved from London to LA, leaving his closest friends behind[7:15]
• All his best friends, who know him 360 degrees, live in London except one who moved to Dubai
He speaks to his best mate, who was his best man, three times a week[7:36]
• When he tells people this, they are shocked that two men talk that frequently
• He credits his friend for also making time and effort to maintain the calls
Without those regular calls, Jay believes he would feel lonely[7:57]
• His friend has known him for 20 years and knows him best, so that connection is crucial

Impact of marriage and busy lives on male friendships

Jay notes that when you get married, you naturally want to spend weeknights with your partner[8:16]
• Friends in relationships are similarly investing their free time into their own partnerships
If he only sees mates once a week or even once a month, it's hard to keep closeness[8:29]
• Infrequent meetups limit opportunities for vulnerability and deep sharing
He connects this pattern with why men often struggle to be vulnerable[8:41]

Challenges for men in becoming vulnerable with friends

Difficulty moving from banter to sharing feelings

Radhi observes that many men have friendships based on jokes, laughter, and activities[9:06]
• She notes it's rare to hear a man say to his friend, "I'm feeling really down today"
She asks how a man with 20 years of surface-level friendship can transition to deeper talks[8:52]
• She mentions TikTok trends where men call friends to say goodnight or ask if they should get therapy
• In many clips, friends respond by mocking them or calling them losers instead of engaging seriously

Jay's reaction to mockery of male vulnerability

He finds it sad that even today, a man who musters courage to open up is often mocked[10:03]
He contrasts this with public examples of male athletes and performers talking about mental health[10:15]
• He notes we live in a time when some of the toughest, strongest men on the planet speak openly about challenges
• He references male athletes, actors, and musicians who share mental health struggles on their platforms
He argues we must shift the narrative that vulnerability equals weakness or being a loser[11:04]

Cultural narratives about 'alpha males' and emotional strength

Online 'alpha male' and 'high value man' messaging

Jay points to an online trend equating 'high value men' with never talking about feelings[11:25]
• These narratives emphasize discipline and pushing through without emotional expression
Jay sees no contradiction between being disciplined and being emotionally engaged[12:04]
• He says he enjoys working out, competition, and considers himself quite alpha
• At the same time, he values talking about his feelings and making space for friends to share

Internal beliefs about vulnerability

Jay argues men must first decide for themselves whether vulnerability is a weakness or a strength[12:12]
• If a man secretly believes it's weak, any rejection will send him deeper into his shell
If he believes it's valuable and needed, he'll persist despite occasional dismissive reactions[12:28]

Finding or creating spaces where men can be open

Possibility of needing separate friend groups

Jay suggests some friends can remain "banter and sports" friends without being emotional confidants[12:53]
• He emphasizes you don't have to abandon or judge those friends as bad
A man may need to deliberately build a new circle of men who are open to vulnerability[13:08]
• He notes that if your friends reply to therapy talk with "you're a loser" or "just have a pint," it's a high wall to break down

Men's retreats and intentional spaces

Radhi mentions seeing many men's retreats advertised[13:26]
• She has even recommended such a retreat to a friend whose partner was struggling
She thinks meeting completely new people who are actively seeking to open their hearts and heal can be powerful[13:44]
• She stresses sometimes you have to go outside your usual environment if you are trying something new with yourself

Expectations on men from women and social media

Mixed messages: emotionally available but not 'too emotional'

Radhi references online jokes about having to treat men like princesses because men are 'too emotional'[14:15]
• She notes some women want emotionally available men but are uncomfortable if men actually cry
She shares that one of her friends said a major "ick" is seeing a man cry or be emotional[14:46]
• Radhi believes many women quietly share this view, seeing male tears as weakness
This creates a double standard: wanting men to understand emotions but not visibly express their own[14:36]
• She warns that online humor about this can make men shut down emotionally

Impact of social media perceptions

Radhi points out social media perception is not reality, but people internalize it[15:36]
• Men may fear sharing emotions with partners because they assume women will see them as weak
She notes this can leave men carrying emotional loads alone, which affects them as partners and people[15:47]

Reframing crying and emotional expression

Crying and laughing as similar emotional releases

Radhi recalls Jay's idea that crying and laughing are two sides of the same coin[16:05]
• Both are spontaneous expressions of emotions when something hits you deeply
Jay notes we don't consciously decide to laugh; it just happens when something is funny[16:22]
• Similarly, crying is an involuntary response when something affects your gut or heart
People rarely tell others to stop laughing but often tell them to stop crying[16:37]
• Phrases like "don't cry, it's okay" are common, whereas saying "don't laugh" would feel odd

Kendrick Lamar's example of public vulnerability

Jay cites Kendrick Lamar discussing a viral moment where he cried on camera[16:53]
• Lamar said he now loves that moment because it showed him expressing himself in real time
Kendrick connected his tears to seeing years of work come to life[17:26]
• He contrasted his own openness with his father, who "was tough" and never showed weakness
Lamar stated there is no growth in his work without vulnerability[17:49]
• He believes understanding vulnerability earlier would have given him more depth and reach with the guys around him
Jay shares this to empower men, noting that someone in a traditionally "tough" environment can embrace tears[17:41]

Community, bromance, and one-to-one male friendships

Community as key to opening up

Radhi says community is key for feeling safe enough to open up[19:05]
• She notes many men who aren't in partnerships may struggle to know where to meet other men
Jay adds that women often like to gather in groups, while many men talk better one-to-one[18:54]
• He describes a recent three-hour one-to-one dinner with a male friend where they quickly went deep

Group dynamics vs one-to-one connection

Jay finds it hard to go deep in group settings because different men want different conversations[19:09]
• Some men in a group just want to talk football or work, while a few want deeper topics
He thinks women are more likely to all engage in one subject together than groups of men[19:27]
He has learned he often needs to pursue one-to-one friendships for depth[19:46]

Emotional conditioning of boys and 'bromance'

Jay cites research that girls and boys start out similarly prioritizing friendships[20:49]
• Over time, boys feel pressured to give up same-sex emotional friendships because it seems 'girly'
Radhi jokingly names what he described with his friend as a "bromance"[20:40]

Need for industry-specific friends

Jay realized he needed friends in his own industry who have shorthand for his experiences[21:12]
• Shared professional context makes it easier to be understood quickly
Radhi says women feel similarly; she describes a new friend she quickly felt deeply connected to[21:26]
• She compares the excitement of profound friendship to the feelings of romantic relationships because of being deeply understood

Female friendships, gossip, and trust

Loneliness among women and trust issues

Radhi believes women are also feeling lonely and struggling to find community[22:11]
She points out gossip is often a big part of female connection, which can create insecurity[22:22]
• Women may worry that what they share will be told to others in the group, breaking trust
She says for women, a big question is whether they can trust that what they share isn't judged or spread[22:35]
• Because of this, one-to-one trusted friendships are also crucial for women

Practical approaches to building deeper friendships

One-to-one time as a solution

Jay has shifted from being a "pack person" to prioritizing individual time with friends[23:18]
• Spending one-on-one time with someone he truly wants to see has made a big difference in depth
He notes not every friend will want to go deep even in one-to-one settings; there's a frequency match component[23:45]
• He doesn't expect every friendship to function the same way or go to the same level

Not every friend has to be everything

Jay says some friends are ideal just to talk sports with, and that's okay[23:55]
• He'd love if sports friends could also handle "how are you really?" conversations, but doesn't require it
He warns against putting pressure on everyone in our lives to be everything to us[24:12]

Questions men can ask themselves about loneliness

Jay proposes a test: do you have three friends you could call at 3 a.m. to share struggles?[26:17]
• Radhi adds that even having one such friend is significant
A second test: do you have one friend you could call to share your biggest win with?[26:39]
• He notes sharing success can feel even harder than sharing pain because it can be seen as bragging
Another question: do you feel you have someone who doesn't judge you and lets you be all of yourself?[27:07]
• He says everyone wants a space in life where they feel seen and not judged

Being seen vs being viewed

Jay shares a conversation with a restaurant worker who said he doesn't feel seen[28:14]
• The man felt only successful people are seen and said he isn't successful yet
Jay told him successful people also don't feel seen; they feel seen only in a particular lens[27:53]
• He personally feels most seen with his wife or deep old friends who see his full self
He argues you'll feel more seen through deep, individual relationships than through having a global brand[27:54]
• Having many views or eyes on you doesn't equal feeling seen; people often judge based on 30-second glimpses

Quality vs quantity of friendships

Re-evaluating friend counts and birthdays

Radhi describes planning her birthday and realizing she had about eight friends to invite locally[28:43]
• Instead of feeling lacking, she felt thankful for those eight friends
She noticed a temptation to "collect" more people to inflate numbers, then questioned if she really needed them there[29:08]
• She concludes it's more important to have a few people you can go to in your hardest moments than 30 at your party
Jay connects this to the 'views vs being seen' distinction applied to friendship circles[29:20]

Health impacts of loneliness and observations from elder care

Loneliness and health risks

Jay notes loneliness is linked to depression, anxiety, dementia, diabetes, stroke, and heart disease[30:06]
• He adds that loneliness can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes per day, per research he cites

Radhi's experience working in a hospital with the elderly

Radhi recalls running clinics for elderly people around under-eating and low weight[30:30]
• She observed about 80% of the underweight older patients were men and 20% were women
She connects this to men losing will to cook or take care of themselves when socially isolated[29:58]
• Many of these men spent most of their time alone at home and often had lost partners
She notes being in community or having a sense of purpose can change dementia progression and longevity[31:01]
• Feeling wanted and needed is crucial for keeping mental state alive, especially in older age

Gender differences in coping with loss of a partner

Radhi has seen many older women adapt more quickly than men after their partners die[31:27]
• She believes women are more used to going through pain and managing household systems, helping them adapt
She argues this is another reason men should invest in friendships now for future stages of life[31:37]

Marriage, lifespan, and reliance on partners for social life

Studies on marriage and longevity

Jay cites research that men live longer when married, but women do not live as long when married[32:05]
• Radhi connects this to women often carrying more stress in marriages
They observe widowed men often struggle more than widowed women[31:28]
• Women are often more practiced in different roles and routines, helping them cope better alone

Time investment required for close friendships

Jay cites Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies, who found it can take 200 hours to make a close friend[32:45]
He shares Hall's observation that men often rely on wives to manage the social calendar[32:51]
• Men think "she'll do it and I don't have to," leading them not to proactively seek male friendships
Hall suggests this reflects a skills challenge in how men cultivate social lives[32:59]

Using systems and planning to maintain friendships

Jay's structured approach to social life

Radhi praises how Jay has learned to plan his social calendar intentionally[33:02]
• He has a system for which friends he sees once a week, once a month, etc.
Jay encourages thinking about life mathematically to simplify decisions[33:43]
• If you rely on how you feel that day, you'll often cancel; systems keep you committed
He recommends categorizing people by frequency: daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, yearly[33:42]
• This avoids going months without seeing people you love and then wondering what happened
He argues that scheduling friends is actually an expression of love and respect, not coldness[34:44]
• Putting someone in the calendar signals "I value you enough to ensure we deepen our friendship"

Friendship as a learned skill and encouragement to lonely men

Reframing friendship, partnership, and parenting as skills

Jay says friendship is a learned skill, just like being a good partner or parent[34:58]
• We often assume people should naturally know how to be good at these roles, but they are developed over time

Message to men who feel lonely

Jay tells men who feel lonely that other men feel the same way[35:23]
• Because many men are lonely, there is real opportunity to become community for each other
He says it starts with having the courage to share something vulnerably[35:33]
• He advises noticing who matches that frequency versus who jokes, laughs it off, or rejects it
He reminds listeners that someone who mocks you now may later come back and apologize when they struggle themselves[35:51]
• For now, those people are simply not ready to be that type of friend; focus on finding those who are

Example from Radhi's father and long-term male friendships

How male friendships can evolve over decades

Radhi notes many men in her community socialize heavily with family when younger[36:18]
As her father aged, his social circle became smaller, but he still has a few key friends[36:30]
• She often finds him talking to his best friend (her uncle) whom he has known since university
Her dad has two or three people he checks in on and who check on him, even if they don't meet in person often[36:56]
• They might have once-a-month catch-up calls about health or life issues
That trust that he can call them when struggling shows decades of sustained effort[37:44]
• He's kept those connections from his 20s into his 70s through regular calls and showing up for each other

Friendships require more than convenient activities

Radhi emphasizes that deep friendship takes more effort than just booking a tennis court or casual hangouts[38:06]
• It requires consistent phone calls, checking in, and being there when something happens in each other's lives

Closing remarks and invitation to listeners

Inviting reflection and community-building

Jay asks listeners to share in the comments how they are creating great friendships and what they're struggling with[38:13]
• He says he'd love to see people even connect with each other in the comment section
He invites tagging him and Radhi on Instagram and TikTok to share what resonated and what people are trying[38:16]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Deep friendship is not about how many people you know but about having a small number of people with whom you can share both your deepest struggles and your biggest wins without judgment.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Who are the one to three people in your life you could realistically call at 3 a.m. to share something painful or important?
  • • How comfortable do you feel sharing your successes with your friends, and what does that say about the safety of those relationships?
  • • What is one existing relationship you could gently deepen this month by sharing something more honest than you usually would?
2

Vulnerability is a learned strength, not a weakness, and you may need to build or seek out new environments and relationships where your openness is welcomed rather than mocked.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In what situations do you currently hold back from expressing how you actually feel because you're afraid of being judged?
  • • How might your life change if you surrounded yourself with even one or two people who respond supportively when you're vulnerable?
  • • What is one specific step you could take this quarter to find or create a community (online or offline) where emotional honesty is normalized?
3

Relying on spontaneity or your mood to maintain friendships leads to drift; treating relationships as something to intentionally plan and schedule helps them deepen over time.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which friends do you genuinely want to see weekly, monthly, or a few times a year, and how clearly have you defined that for yourself?
  • • How could using a simple system (like recurring reminders or a shared calendar) change the consistency of your social life?
  • • What is one concrete change you can make this week to put at least one important friendship "into the calendar" instead of hoping it happens?
4

Different friendships can serve different purposes, and expecting every person to meet all your emotional, social, and practical needs creates frustration for you and pressure for them.

Reflection Questions:

  • • How do you currently categorize the people in your life (e.g., activity friends, deep-conversation friends, work friends), even if only informally?
  • • Where are you expecting someone to be "everything" for you, and how might that be straining the relationship?
  • • What is one relationship you could appreciate more by accepting it for what it is instead of wishing it were something else?
5

Friendship, like partnership and parenting, is a skill that develops over years through practice, small gestures, and showing up consistently-even when it would be easier to withdraw.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When you think back over the last few years, what specific actions have helped your closest relationships grow stronger?
  • • How could you reframe social skills you feel you "lack" (like initiating plans or opening up) as skills you can practice and improve rather than fixed traits?
  • • What is one small, repeatable behavior (a weekly call, a monthly dinner, a check-in text) you could commit to that would, over time, build the kind of friendships you want in old age?

Episode Summary - Notes by Drew

Jay & Radhi Talk About Why Men Feel So Lonely
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