Get Your Weekly Digest

Receive the best podcast summaries and insights delivered to your inbox every week.

We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe anytime.

Hidden Brain

Love 2.0: How to Fix Your Marriage, Part 2

with James Cordova, Victor Strecker

Published October 6, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Host Shankar Vedantam talks with psychologist James Cordova about how blame and efforts to change our partners often trap couples in years-long conflicts, and how practices like genuine acceptance, "eating the blame," and lowering pride can restore intimacy. In the second part of the episode, public health researcher Victor Strecker discusses the science of purpose, how a clear sense of purpose supports health and resilience, and answers listener questions about burnout, caregiving, loss, empty nesting, and finding meaning at different life stages.

Topics Covered

Marriage Romantic relationships Relationships Self-esteem in relationships Perspective shift Grief and loss Burnout Personal Development Mental health Happiness

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • In intimate relationships, defaulting to blame and trying to win arguments rarely produces change or closeness; it typically entrenches both partners in defensive standoffs.
  • Cordova argues for "eating the blame"-taking responsibility and apologizing first-as a spiritual and emotional practice that creates conditions for repair and reconnection.
  • Genuine acceptance of a partner, not strategic acceptance meant to force change, paradoxically makes it easier for both people to change unhelpful patterns.
  • Our harsh reactions in conflict often come from "bodyguards"-defensive parts that protect deep vulnerability-so managing these defenses is key to intimacy.
  • Understanding the deeper, understandable reasons behind a partner's irritating behavior can effortlessly evoke compassion and reduce resentment.
  • Strecker describes robust evidence that a strong sense of purpose is linked to longer life, less dementia, better health behaviors, and reduced inflammation and cardiovascular risk.
  • He proposes the "SPACE" framework-sleep, presence, activity, creativity, and eating well-as levers that give people energy to pursue meaningful goals and recover from burnout.
  • Purpose is not limited to grand careers; it can be found or crafted in caregiving, ordinary jobs, volunteering, hobbies, and community engagement, and it can be redefined after loss or life transitions.

Podcast Notes

Segment 1: Rethinking blame and acceptance in intimate relationships

Introduction: Our impulse to change partners and the idea of acceptance

Shankar frames how people approach relationship problems[0:00]
• We tend to believe that if only our partners would change their ways, we could be happy.
• He notes the symmetry that partners are often thinking the exact same thing about us.
Reference to previous episode on acceptance[0:30]
• Last week's story, featuring psychologist James Cordova, focused on accepting partners rather than trying to change them.
• That episode is titled "How to Fix Your Marriage, Part 1."
Current episode focus[0:56]
• This episode examines one of the most toxic things we do in intimate relationships and how to become wiser in relationships.
• Shankar emphasizes that changing this behavior is difficult and the ideas can be a tough pill to swallow.

Cordova on the role of blame in relationships

Why blame is our default response[3:55]
• James Cordova says a fundamental psychological characteristic is that when we experience distress with others, we automatically let ourselves off the hook.
• We view everything we do as understandable and justifiable, so by default it "has to be" the other person's fault.
Cultural belief that solving problems starts with assigning blame[4:30]
• Cordova notes we come from a culture where we imagine that solving a problem begins with figuring out who is to blame, and then we think we know how to solve it.
• In intimate relationships, this almost never helps and keeps couples in a loop of mutual accusation.
The endless "you're to blame" loop[4:48]
• Cordova describes the pattern: "You're to blame" / "No, I'm not, you're to blame," repeated for years.
• He claims that in the history of history, that approach has never actually worked for solving intimate relationship problems.

Debate-championship mindset in relationships

Shankar's analogy to high school debate tournaments[5:28]
• He recalls a conversation with another guest who compared relationship arguments to debate championships, where a judge decides who wins.
• In real life there is no neutral judge; just two people debating, each trying to win.
Therapists being cast as judges[6:07]
• Cordova says couples often come to therapy wanting him to be the judge and tell them which partner is right.
• He uses the image of two fire hoses pointed at each other-everyone is trying so hard to win and be understood that nobody is listening.

Example couple stuck in blame over home projects

Conflict pattern around household projects[7:15]
• Cordova describes a couple who always fought during home projects.
• The husband wanted things done the "right" meticulous way; the wife felt he made things too complicated and tried to steamroll him.
• He likens her to an unstoppable force and him to an immovable object, with neither side feeling satisfied.
Each partner's narrative of blame[8:55]
• He felt fights were her fault for wanting "cheap and easy" solutions; she felt fights were his fault for insisting on perfection.
• Cordova notes this dynamic is common enough to show up repeatedly in movies about couples arguing.

Inviting partners to question their conviction that the other is to blame

Prompting a radical reframe: maybe I play a part[9:18]
• Cordova says he often asks couples to entertain the radical notion that maybe they play at least a small part in the problem.
• He encourages expanding that idea to explore whether one's own behavior is an essential part of what keeps the couple stuck.
Connecting self-judgment and partner defensiveness[9:55]
• If what I'm contributing is judgment of my partner's behavior, that judgment can make it harder for them to change.
• Shifting from judgment to understanding why a behavior feels important to the partner lets them drop their defensive stance.
• When a partner feels understood instead of judged, they can start to acknowledge ambivalence about their own unhealthy behaviors.

The paradox of acceptance in relationships

Acceptance making change more likely[10:00]
• Cordova highlights a paradox: the less we try to change our partners, the more willing they become to change.
• He calls this the paradox of acceptance.
Why clinging to change narrows our world[11:14]
• When we are desperate to change others or ourselves and remain stuck, our world and behavioral repertoire become very narrow.
• He uses the metaphor of beating one's head against a wall, believing that is the only way through.
Acceptance as surrender rather than tactic[11:01]
• Cordova says things start to open up when we take a step back and develop an intimate relationship with our own wanting and desperation, without trying to force change.
• From that surrendered state, we can see from a bigger perspective and find creative ways forward that were previously invisible.
• He emphasizes you cannot "cheat the system" by pretending to accept in order to get change; it has to be genuine acceptance.

Segment 1 continued: Practicing "eating the blame" and lowering ego in conflict

Origin story of "eat the blame" from Zen Buddhism

The snake head in the soup story[15:44]
• Cordova recounts a Zen story: a head cook rushes to make a meal, accidentally cuts off a snake's head in the garden and it ends up in the vegetarian monastery's soup.
• During the meal, the teacher holds up the snake head with chopsticks and asks, "What is this?"
• The cook rushes over, grabs the snake head with his own chopsticks, and eats it; the hall bursts into laughter, including the teacher.
Lesson of the story: meeting mistakes without shame[16:40]
• Cordova explains the story shows we all make mistakes, and mistakes need not be occasions for deep shame.
• He calls this "eating the blame"-just acknowledging the mistake and meeting it directly.

Applying "eating the blame" in relationships

Shifting from avoiding blame to taking it[17:07]
• Cordova describes our instinct to avoid, destroy, or escape any blame, and says intimacy practice is reversing that reflex.
• He frames eating the blame as a spiritual and deeply intimate practice.
Concrete example: wanting an apology vs offering one[17:24]
• He imagines a moment when both partners are upset; one person longs for the other to apologize and signals "you need to come make this better."
• The counterintuitive move is to focus instead on how one has hurt the partner and ask, "What can I apologize for?"
• He calls it deeply emotionally counterintuitive to eat the blame in that moment, but says it is the most agentic and skillful choice.

Intimacy as a demanding practice, not an easy path

Why this is so hard to do[19:00]
• Cordova acknowledges how hard it is to think about a partner's hurt when we ourselves feel hurt and want comfort.
• He quips that intimacy is not for the faint of heart because it demands taking responsibility moment by moment.
Everything you do and don't do matters[19:26]
• Cordova says this is "my relationship" and he must take responsibility for what happens in every moment.
• If he says "I'm sorry," it matters; if he doesn't say it, that also matters, and both steer the relationship's direction.
Practice analogy: like learning guitar or a sport[20:06]
• He compares developing intimacy skills to learning guitar, poetry, or a sport-no one is good at first; you must practice.

Segment 1 further: Pride, ego, vulnerability, and understanding partners

Link to spiritual traditions like the prayer of St. Francis

Parallel between intimacy advice and religious wisdom[21:17]
• Shankar notes that Cordova's advice echoes the prayer of St. Francis: seeking to console rather than be consoled, to understand rather than be understood, to love rather than be loved.
• Cordova imagines St. Francis writing from "hard-won wisdom" and almost from exasperated realization that prioritizing being consoled or understood makes life worse.
Experimenting with reversing the usual impulse[22:21]
• Cordova says St. Francis's message is essentially: what if we sought to understand rather than be understood, to console rather than be consoled-"give it a shot."
• He often finds himself asking couples to try this for just three minutes and see what happens.

Blaming as a tempting but ineffective "mirage"

Questioning whether blame has ever produced the desired outcome[23:51]
• Cordova challenges listeners to name a time when blaming a partner actually led to satisfaction and closeness.
• He calls the fantasy of feeling satisfied once the partner accepts blame a "mirage in the desert" of the relationship.
• He says the imagined sequence-forcing a partner to submit, both feeling in love, feeling accepted, and then making love-"has never happened."

Cordova's personal example of apologizing after teasing his wife

Recounting a hurtful joke about his wife's spending habits[23:55]
• In an earlier episode, Cordova told how he mocked his wife's tendency to pick the most expensive item by asking a boot salesperson to show her the priciest pair.
• His wife went very quiet, which is how she expresses being upset.
Considering his options in the aftermath[24:26]
• He recognized she was hurt for a reason and that he had done something non-trivial.
• He realized he could ignore it (leading to three quiet, terrible hours) or invalidate it by saying "you can't take a joke" (leading to three terrible days).
• The third option was to say, "I messed up," even though it was deeply humbling.
The effect of a sincere apology[25:25]
• He apologized specifically for teasing her in front of the salesperson and acknowledged it was hurtful.
• He likens an apology to water on dry earth-if left in place with sincerity, it slowly soaks in.
• After some minutes, his wife said she knew he didn't mean it, thanked him for apologizing, and agreed to stay and shop, though things felt tender for a while.
• Eventually their playfulness and connection reemerged, showing how apology creates conditions for reconnection rather than instantly flipping a switch.

Pride, ego, and the difficulty of apologizing first

Pride as a glue that holds conflict in place[27:21]
• Shankar notes that reaching out or apologizing first involves humbling ourselves.
• Cordova agrees, saying pride and ego are not our friends in intimate relationships.
Lowering the ego flag[27:54]
• He describes the fight to be understood and to get the partner to accept blame as a way of defending the ego, which in turn is protecting vulnerability.
• He uses the phrase "lowering the ego flag" to describe embracing defensiveness and recognizing it's okay to be vulnerable.
• When we don't need the ego to defend us, we can respond much more skillfully to our partners.

Responding to partners' anger as a sign of hurt rather than an attack

Seeing anger as rooted in pain[29:00]
• Cordova notes that a partner's criticism or anger often comes from something hurting them.
• He contrasts reacting to the anger with reaching through the anger to speak to the underlying hurt.
Applying the instinct we use with children to our partners[29:39]
• He observes that with a ferociously angry five-year-old, we usually look for the pain behind the anger rather than fighting back.
• He suggests bringing the same compassionate attitude to adult partners, which can lead to a much better place in 10-15 minutes than escalating the conflict.

Segment 1 conclusion: Understanding partners' histories, intentions, and change over time

Finding "understandable reasons" behind problematic behaviors

Moving beyond surface irritation to curiosity[37:35]
• Cordova says we often only see that a partner's behavior hurts or irritates us and react to that surface level.
• He urges bringing a "loving curiosity" to ask where the behavior comes from and why it feels so important to the partner.
Example: obsession with locking doors and windows[38:17]
• In one couple, a partner fussily checked all doors and windows every night, complaining that no one else cared.
• The other partner saw this as irrational and "crazy" about locking everything, leading to repeated arguments.
• Upon exploration, the man recalled a childhood burglary where his beloved teddy bear was stolen, illuminating why security felt so important.
• Once his partner heard this story, her experience shifted from "why are you crazy?" to "oh, that's why," and compassion became effortless.

Mike and Susan: Work vs home-time conflict and mutual understanding

Their recurring conflict pattern[42:01]
• Mike got home earlier and loved cooking; he cherished having his wife Susan arrive on time so they could share a romantic dinner.
• Susan was very committed to her job, often leaving late and getting stuck in traffic, so she frequently arrived home much later than planned.
• When she arrived late, Mike felt hurt and angry, sometimes putting food away or leaving it cold; Susan experienced him as not valuing her work.
Each partner's deeper need[43:03]
• Mike was desperate to know where she was and that she took his evening connection rituals seriously.
• Susan was desperate to feel he understood how much she had sacrificed and how meaningful her work was.
How understanding changed their story[43:42]
• When Mike paused his push to be understood and instead focused on hearing Susan, he could recall all the effort and joy she put into her career.
• He came to see that lateness wasn't a deliberate insult but a side effect of living with a "workaholic" partner he also loved.
• Conversely, Susan imagined Mike at home, eagerly preparing dinner, then feeling deflated as the minutes passed, recognizing his disappointment was rooted in love and connection.

Misreading intentions and mindreading errors

How quickly we infer hostile intent[45:11]
• Shankar notes that partners often don't just see behavior; they read intention into it (e.g., "you're fussy" or "you don't care about me").
• Cordova says when we don't feel cared for, we often leap to "you did that on purpose," and this inference is highly automatic.
Building alternative hypotheses[46:47]
• He suggests taking five extra minutes to remind oneself that a loving partner would almost never intentionally hurt us.
• He stresses we still must acknowledge we're having the experience of "you did this on purpose," but then complicate that story with other hypotheses.

Walking on eggshells and the "bull in the china shop" metaphor

Inescapable vulnerability in intimate relationships[47:37]
• Cordova acknowledges many couples complain about walking on eggshells around each other's sore spots.
• He uses the metaphor of each partner inviting the other-who is a bull-into their china shop (their most fragile vulnerabilities).
Responsibilities that come with that privilege[49:47]
• He says that if someone invites you into their most fragile places, you accept the responsibility to be a thoughtful, careful bull.
• You never fully get to "toss your head around" in anger without causing harm; if you're too angry to be gentle, you may need to step away.
• Shankar compares it to behavior rules in a concert hall: the privilege of the space comes with obligations (e.g., not coughing through the performance).

Partners changing over time and surrendering the cardboard cutout

The wish that partners would stay the same[50:37]
• Cordova says many people complain their partners have changed and are no longer who they were.
• He describes our fantasy of a two-dimensional cardboard cutout of who we want our partner to be to feel stable.
Embracing evolving selves[53:01]
• Behind that cutout, the partner is already somebody else, constantly changing.
• He calls the real gift of a vibrant intimate relationship surrendering to the constantly emerging change of who we are and who we are becoming together.
• He uses his own partner as an example: she is newly learning pottery, while her enduring tender-heartedness-the trait he first loved-remains.

Monitoring relationship health like physical health

Regular evaluations and early problem detection[53:05]
• Shankar notes that Cordova's work suggests thinking about relationships like physical health: getting regular evaluations and staying vigilant for problems.
• They reference a companion Hidden Brain Plus episode where Cordova offers questions couples can use to assess strengths and weaknesses before problems become intractable.

Segment 2: Purpose, health, and meaning with Victor Strecker

Why purpose matters for mental and physical health

Empirical links between purpose and longevity[56:03]
• Strecker says people with stronger purpose, direction, and intentionality live longer, citing at least eight to ten careful studies.
• He notes eight studies showing that people with strong purpose around retirement age are far less likely to develop dementia.
Biological and behavioral pathways[57:32]
• People with strong purpose have fewer pro-inflammatory cells produced in their bodies.
• Colleagues of his have found they are less likely to have heart attacks or strokes if already at risk.
• Purposeful people are less likely to abuse drugs and medication, are more physically active, and tend to eat better, which may explain longevity benefits.
• He frames it as: when certain things really matter to you, you think, "I better take care of myself."

Julia's story and how awareness of mortality can fuel purpose

Her health challenges and heightened purpose[1:00:07]
• Strecker's daughter Julia had two heart transplants-one as a baby and one in childhood-and understood she might not live a long life.
• He says this awareness made her much more purposeful: she took relationships, school, and her aspiration to be a nurse very seriously.
Mortality salience as a catalyst for purpose[1:00:40]
• He suggests that knowing life is finite can drive purpose, echoing Stoic ideas of living as if each day might be your last.
Julia's passing and its impact on his own purpose[1:02:49]
• Julia died at age 19 after a heart attack.
• Strecker says her life and death shaped his own purpose, including returning to teaching with renewed clarity.

Steps for people who haven't had a dramatic life crisis to find purpose

Starting with "what matters most"[1:03:18]
• He notes not everyone goes through tragedy and that's good, but they can still ask themselves: What matters most in my life?
Headstone test and legacy[1:04:01]
• He describes a "headstone test" from his book: draw a headstone, write your name, imagine you died today, and decide what you'd want on your epitaph.
• He says this may sound depressing but helps people think about legacy and what they want others to say at their memorial.

Balancing purpose with overwhelm and multiple life domains

Different domains of purpose[1:05:13]
• Strecker identifies potential domains: work, family, personal, and community.
• He suggests asking which domains are most important and whether you have a purpose within each.
Job crafting for meaning at work[1:07:15]
• Because many people spend most waking hours working, he urges them to see if they can craft more purpose into their existing jobs.
• He notes some people say they "just work for the money," but there may be ways to add elements of meaning.

Burnout, SPACE framework, and repurposing after a difficult chapter

Listener Valentina's burnout as an educator[1:15:42]
• Valentina describes severe burnout after nine years as an educator and uncertainty about her next chapter and life purpose.
Five behaviors that boost vitality: SPACE[1:15:59]
• Strecker outlines five evidence-based behaviors that increase energy and vitality: Sleep, Presence (mindfulness), Activity, Creativity, and Eating well.
• He says these factors have been shown in randomized trials to improve vitality, making it easier to engage in purposeful work.
• He notes purposeful people are often better at maintaining SPACE behaviors, which can help them avoid or recover from burnout.
Becoming a researcher of yourself[1:19:21]
• He suggests treating yourself like a research subject, observing which SPACE elements give you the most energy.
• For him personally, creativity turned out to be the strongest source of energy and self-control.
Repurposing life after burnout or transition[1:22:01]
• He says that after burning out or ending a chapter (like Valentina's), it's an ideal time to "repurpose" your life.
• He recommends asking: What's important in my life now? Who am I? What is my identity? Then deriving purpose and necessary skills from those answers.

Coping with profound loss and finding meaning through doing

Listener Joanna's loss of her daughter and loss of purpose[1:29:23]
• Joanna lost her young daughter in an accident and says her purpose had been her child and being a workaholic; now she feels life is impossible and purposeless.
Different grief journeys and action as meaning-making[1:30:31]
• Strecker stresses everyone's journey is different and he is not a therapist, but shares observations.
• His wife, after Julia's death, found meaning by volunteering at the children's hospital that had cared for their daughter.
• He emphasizes finding meaning through doing-being active, giving, and helping-as an important path after loss.
Small sources of connection and responsibility[1:32:52]
• He notes that even their dog, a Jack Russell Terrier, has helped them by keeping them active and needed.

Purpose vs ego, and addressing shame about not having a purpose

Clarifying "getting over yourself"[1:36:05]
• Responding to a listener who felt "get over yourself" sounded shaming, Strecker says he meant getting over the ego, not getting over the loss or pain.
• He uses the metaphor of transcending the castle walls of the ego-opening the drawbridge and being exposed to others and to failure.
Shame about searching for purpose[1:37:25]
• He notes some high-achieving professionals felt he had given them "one more thing" to be good at, adding pressure.
• He says that was not his intent; purpose is meant as a supportive orientation, not another performance metric.

Purpose that is thrust upon you: caregiving and identity

Erica's experience as an involuntary long-term caregiver[1:38:57]
• Erica became a long-term caregiver for family members at a young age and struggles with resentment toward a purpose she did not choose.
Reframing caregiving as a valued identity[1:39:41]
• Strecker points out many caregivers don't even label themselves as such; they just experience stress and loss.
• He says explicitly adopting the identity "I am a caregiver" can be helpful, as it acknowledges an important, meaningful role.

Failure, growth mindset, and persisting with purpose

Cheryl's question about repeated rejection and self-doubt[1:41:00]
• Cheryl asks how to cope when job loss or repeated rejections (like agents saying no to a book) cause people to question their purpose.
Doubling the number of failures[1:41:39]
• Strecker says he tells students to be willing to fail and even to double the number of failures, aligning with a growth mindset.
• He cites an exercise where students purposefully fail at something, then write about the experience and what they'll do next.
• He distinguishes between stubbornly doing the exact same thing and iterating based on feedback and learning.

Purpose in ordinary jobs and crafted meaning

NASA custodian and moonshot purpose[1:43:06]
• He recalls the famous story of a NASA janitor in 1962 telling President Kennedy, "I'm helping put a man on the moon."
Septic tank worker and public health[1:44:12]
• He tells of a septic tank worker who initially said he did the smelly job "for the money."
• Strecker reframed his work as crucial public health-keeping waste out of water systems-and the man's eyes lit up at the reframe.
Parking attendants and tire tread checks[1:45:19]
• He mentions parking attendants as often considered least purposeful jobs, but one attendant measured tire treads and alerted customers to low tread.
• He calls that attendant a very purposeful person because he proactively protected drivers' safety.
Cashiers as examples of chosen orientation[1:46:26]
• He contrasts disengaged cashiers who can't wait for their shift to end with those who warmly ask how customers are doing and if they got what they needed.
• He argues the latter likely become happier through those interactions and illustrates how one can choose to bring purpose into everyday roles.

Empty nest, later life purpose, and modeling for children

Nita's loss of inbuilt purpose after kids and career stabilize[1:48:09]
• Nita, a physician in her mid-fifties, says earlier life had built-in purpose (career-building, raising children), but now children don't need her and career is stable, leaving a deep sense of lack.
Continuing to support adult children and modeling flourishing[1:49:20]
• Strecker says parents can still provide advice, encouragement, and financial support, but also can model how to live a flourishing next chapter.
• He cites physicians who, in retirement or as empty nesters, took up hobbies like woodworking, painting, or pickleball and found fulfillment.
• He suggests recognizing there are many children beyond one's own who might benefit from one's care and attention.
Seeing students or others as surrogate children[1:51:10]
• Strecker mentions that when he returned to teaching after Julia's death, he would look at his students and internally think, "All of you are my daughters right now."

Helping children and elders find purpose

Supporting children's emerging sense of purpose[1:43:06]
• He references developmental psychologist Anthony Burrow's work and suggests asking children what matters most to them.
• He recounts his seven-year-old grandson watching a documentary about unsafe shrimp harvesting, then organizing a local "save the shrimp" protest, supported by the ex-mayor.
Encouraging purposeful aging[1:49:32]
• For older adults who feel they've lost purpose after retirement or children leaving, he often suggests volunteering.
• He notes research showing volunteering can improve purpose and even positively influence biological aging markers.

Closing and production credits

Producer and staff acknowledgments

Hidden Brain production team[1:50:19]
• Shankar lists the audio production team members and notes that he is the show's executive editor and Tara Boyle is the executive producer.

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Blame is a seductive but ineffective strategy in intimate relationships; taking responsibility for your own contribution and "eating the blame" creates the conditions for repair and reconnection.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in a current or recent conflict have you been focused on proving the other person wrong instead of examining your own role?
  • • How might the dynamic change if you chose one specific situation this week to apologize first for your part, even if it feels humbling?
  • • What concrete words could you use in your next disagreement to acknowledge your contribution to the problem rather than defending yourself?
2

Genuine acceptance of a partner-not tactical acceptance meant to force change-widens your perspective and paradoxically makes it easier for both of you to shift unhelpful patterns.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What aspect of a partner, friend, or colleague do you keep trying to change, and how has that effort narrowed your own options?
  • • In what ways could you practice sitting with your yearning for change without immediately trying to fix or control the other person?
  • • What is one small behavior you could stop policing in your partner this month as an experiment in real acceptance?
3

Your ego and defensive "bodyguards" often react to protect vulnerability, but if you let them run the show they escalate conflict; learning to notice and gently override them lets you meet others' anger as a sign of hurt.

Reflection Questions:

  • • How do your own "bodyguards" typically show up-through criticism, withdrawal, sarcasm, or something else-when you feel hurt?
  • • When you next feel attacked, how could you pause long enough to ask yourself, "What might be hurting this person underneath their anger?"
  • • What recurring trigger in your close relationships could you use as a cue to lower your "ego flag" and respond with curiosity instead of counterattack?
4

Clarifying and living by a sense of purpose supports better health, resilience, and self-care, because you have compelling reasons to take care of your body and mind.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What do you most want people to say about you at the end of your life, and how does that align (or not) with how you are living today?
  • • How might reconnecting with a deeply held value-such as learning, service, or creativity-change the way you approach your daily routines?
  • • What is one health behavior (sleep, movement, substance use, nutrition) you could improve specifically to better serve something you care deeply about?
5

Energy and purpose reinforce each other: tending to basic "SPACE" needs-sleep, presence, activity, creativity, and eating well-gives you the vitality to pursue what matters and reduces burnout.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Looking at the SPACE framework, which letter (sleep, presence, activity, creativity, eating) is currently most depleted in your life?
  • • How would your capacity to follow through on meaningful goals change if you improved that one depleted area by just 10-20% over the next month?
  • • What simple, concrete habit can you implement this week (for example, a 20-minute walk, a consistent bedtime, or a short creative exercise) to experiment with increasing your energy?
6

Purpose can be rewritten after loss, rejection, or life transitions by asking what matters now and taking small, concrete actions-often in service of others-rather than waiting for a grand, perfectly defined calling.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which recent loss, setback, or transition has left you feeling unmoored, and what value (such as compassion, growth, or contribution) still feels alive underneath the pain?
  • • How could you translate that value into one small act of doing-a volunteer shift, a supportive conversation, a creative experiment-within the next two weeks?
  • • Who beyond your immediate circle (students, neighbors, patients, community members) might benefit if you chose to treat them as part of your "purpose" going forward?

Episode Summary - Notes by Alex

Love 2.0: How to Fix Your Marriage, Part 2
0:00 0:00