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The Mel Robbins Podcast

This One Study Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life: The Cornell Legacy Project

with Dr. Carl Pillemer

Published November 20, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Mel Robbins interviews gerontologist Dr. Carl Pillemer about the practical life lessons, regrets, and advice he gathered from people in their 80s, 90s, and 100s through his Legacy Project at Cornell. Drawing on hundreds of in-depth interviews, he shares elders' guidance on worry, relationships, work, health, choosing a partner, self-acceptance, and learning to be "happy in spite of" difficult circumstances. The conversation emphasizes acting now on what truly matters, because almost every very old person reports that life feels shockingly short in retrospect.

Topics Covered

Personal development Mental health Relationships Romantic relationships Family patterns Therapy Anxiety Change and loss Aging Gratitude

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • Very old people consistently report that life feels incredibly short in retrospect, so they urge younger generations not to defer happiness or important choices.
  • Elders emphasize focusing on what you can control-your actions, attitudes, and investments in relationships-rather than outcomes or other people's behavior.
  • One of the most common end-of-life regrets is having spent years worrying about things that either never happened or that they survived anyway.
  • Older adults say you are far more likely to regret not taking opportunities than you are to regret the risks you did take.
  • Across 1,200 older respondents, not one person said they wished they had spent more time making money or accumulating things; they valued people and experiences instead.
  • Many elders deeply regret unresolved estrangements with parents, siblings, or children and wish they had tried to repair those relationships sooner.
  • They advise choosing a life partner with extreme care, prioritizing shared values and similarity, and nurturing friendship and shared interests over time.
  • Honesty and integrity-both with others and with yourself about your work, relationships, and choices-are central to feeling at peace when looking back on life.
  • Elders describe a shift from "happy if only" to "happy in spite of," consciously choosing happiness despite loss, illness, and imperfect circumstances.
  • From their perspective, unhealthy habits in midlife are less about dying earlier and more about risking decades of burdensome chronic disease, which they strongly urge people to avoid.

Podcast Notes

Framing the episode: Learning from your future self and elder wisdom

Mel's time-travel thought experiment

Mel asks listeners to imagine going back to talk to their 15-, 20-, or 30-year-old selves and notes we usually know exactly what advice we'd give our younger selves.[0:14]
She flips the scenario and asks listeners to imagine time traveling forward to meet their older, wiser selves and get advice while there's still time to act on it.[0:32]
Mel says this episode functions like a time machine to the future, by sharing the life lessons that 90-year-olds wish they had known earlier.[1:03]

Core questions the conversation will explore

What is the secret to living a happy life?[1:15]
What are the biggest regrets people have at the end of their lives?[1:21]
At the end of life, what really matters and what does not?[1:26]

Introducing Dr. Carl Pillemer and the Legacy Project

Mel's welcome and context for new listeners

Mel welcomes new listeners and positions the show as a "podcast family" where it's an honor to spend time together.[4:06]

Dr. Carl Pillemer's credentials and body of work

He is one of the world's leading researchers on aging and family relationships.[4:32]
He holds the Hazel E. Reed Professor of Human Development chair at Cornell University and is also a Professor of Gerontology in Medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine.[4:44]
He led a decade-long study capturing life lessons from older adults, referred to as the Legacy Project.[4:55]
His books include "30 Lessons for Living," "30 Lessons for Loving," and "Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them."[5:01]
He has published over 150 peer-reviewed studies and his work has been cited more than 26,000 times.[5:18]
Mel shares that his research profoundly impacted her life; she cites it in her book "The 5 Second Rule" and has taught it on stages worldwide.[5:38]

Opening elder lesson: life is short and happiness is not a destination

Prompted by Mel, Dr. Pillemer addresses listeners directly with a lesson many people learn too late: life is incredibly short and passes faster than you expect.[6:34]
He stresses that happiness, fulfillment, and purpose are not destinations you arrive at when conditions are perfect.[6:47]
Instead, happiness and fulfillment are products of choices you make amid the circumstances you actually have.[7:02]
He frames the key task as discerning what you can control versus what you can't, and then acting based on that wisdom.[7:09]
• You would stop waiting for ideal conditions to travel, express love, or find meaningful work.
• You would make conscious choices to be happy and to optimize your current situation instead of deferring life.
• You would focus on what's working rather than on what's not working.
• You would savor small daily things like a colorful bird on the lawn, a call from a friend, or a dog's antics.
• You would treat conversations and time with loved ones as precious rather than routine.
He describes elders as "sailors on the sea of time" who have reached the end of the journey and know how to use a limited lifetime.[8:14]

The Legacy Project: Why ask older people for advice?

How the Legacy Project began

After 25 years as a gerontologist, Pillemer realized most of his work focused on the problems of older people and on older people as problems.[9:00]
He asked what older people know that younger people don't, and whether that knowledge could be distilled into usable advice.[9:05]
He notes that historically, until roughly the last 150 years, people typically sought life advice from the oldest person they knew.[9:25]
Anthropological studies show older people were critical to human survival because they knew how to respond to drought, famine, or where to find better land.[9:33]
He argues that in today's highly age-segregated society, we risk losing the natural process of asking older people for practical life advice, not just stories.[9:59]

The encounter with June that changed his research focus

While doing research in a nursing home, nurses introduced him to a frail woman he calls "June Driscoll" who likely had only a few months to live.[10:33]
Despite her condition, when he asked how she was, she responded enthusiastically that she was "just great" because she had her bath, her TV programs, and it was a nice day.[10:55]
She contrasted her current situation with her childhood in terrible poverty when she didn't have three meals a day, and now felt cared for in the nursing home.[11:07]
She delivered the line that catalyzed his book: "Young man, you will realize when you get to be my age that happiness is a choice and not a condition, and that you learn to be happy in spite of things."[11:28]
This paradox-many older people being very happy despite significant problems-launched his quest to understand their solutions to life's challenges.[11:50]

Life's shortness as a focusing lens and the biggest overall takeaway

Life feels short from the perspective of old age

Mel reads from "30 Lessons for Living" noting that when you're 80 you don't have 50 more years, and that awareness drastically focuses what matters.[12:09]
She points out that if you knew you had only a year or a week to live, you'd quickly drop trivial concerns and focus on what truly matters.[12:36]
She frames the episode as a chance to learn from thousands of people who had that limited-time realization and adjusted their priorities accordingly.[13:18]

Pillemer's single biggest takeaway about a happy, successful, healthy life

He notes some "runner-up" lessons, like elders advising people to find work they love instead of working only for money.[13:46]
He identifies a central lesson: the secret to a fulfilling life is distinguishing and acting on the difference between what you can control and what you can't.[14:06]
• You can control your actions but not always outcomes.
• You can choose to value people and experiences over things.
• You can deliberately devote time and attention to personal relationships.
• You can make a daily decision to put mindless worry aside.
He says elders would tell you to act with honesty and integrity because you'll regret the opposite, and to stop worrying about things you can't control such as exactly how kids turn out or how long you'll live.[15:13]
He notes people often feel paralyzed by despair over big external issues (e.g., politics), but elders emphasize that happiness comes more from your choices than from abstract forces.[15:55]

Optimization with compensation: how successful agers adapt

He introduces a concept from social science: "optimization with compensation"-optimizing what you have left and compensating for what you've lost.[16:12]
Example: instead of lamenting no longer being able to climb a mountain, an elder decides to focus on hiking, which is still possible.[16:33]
Rather than ruminating about losses, elders argue for taking action in areas you can control.[16:38]

Regret about worry and how elders recommend handling it

Worry as a major lifelong regret

When asked how to avoid reaching old age full of regret, elders consistently said one of their biggest regrets was having worried so much.[17:54]
Pillemer initially expected confessions about "big-ticket" misdeeds like shady business deals or affairs, but was surprised by how often worry came up instead.[17:55]
One woman described three months of intense worry about impending layoffs even though she could do nothing about it; later she wished she could have those three months back.[18:19]
Another person obsessed over infertility, felt it ruined her life at the time, and later regretted wasting that period once she did become pregnant.[18:29]
Many elders used similar phrasing: "I wish I had that portion of my life back" that they spent in mindless worry and rumination.[18:59]

Action steps elders suggest for chronic worriers

Pillemer suggests one technique: know for a fact that at the end of life you'll recognize many worries never came true, others were survivable, and you'll wish you had the time back.[18:47]
He imagines an auditorium full of elders yelling "stop worrying so much, you're going to regret it" as a way to interrupt worry spirals.[19:11]
He distinguishes between mindless rumination and useful planning; elders strongly endorse planning as a way to take control.[19:48]
He notes their advice aligns closely with cognitive behavioral therapy, and says therapy can be very helpful for incessant worriers.[20:00]

Mel connects worry, planning, and taking control

Mel synthesizes the layoff example: you can't control whether layoffs happen, but you can control your response-like updating skills, job hunting, or asking if you even want that job.[21:19]
She notes many people can look back on months or years lost to worry in relationships, work, or other life transitions.[21:01]
She highlights that by taking tactical action (planning), you both reduce worry and avoid "poisoning" the present time.[21:35]

Regrets about relationships and misplaced priorities

Under-investing in relationships as a core regret

Pillemer says a key regret elders report is not investing enough time and energy in people they love or like, and in making sure those people know it.[22:00]
When he analyzed regrets, they were much more about people than about careers.[22:15]
He describes the "middle-age blur" (or activity blur) where people in their 30s-50s are overwhelmed by work, education, housing, and kids, and that period passes like a nanosecond.[23:11]
In that blur, people often lose track of relationships, later realizing that happiness was already available in compassionate, rewarding connections.[23:38]
He states confidently that at the end of life people value experiences and relationships far more than things.[23:48]

Data on money, things, and career versus people

Among 1,200 people surveyed for "30 Lessons for Living," not a single person said "I wish I'd spent more time accumulating more things."[24:14]
No one said they wished they had tried harder to make more money so they could buy more stock.[24:59]
He acknowledges that for many young people, making more money is a strong motivation, but emphasizes elders do not endorse that priority at the end of life.[25:32]
Elders don't want younger people to be "starving artists," but they do want them to prioritize work that is enjoyable and fulfilling.[24:54]
He quotes a successful entrepreneur who said, "I loved what I did and I made money doing it," stressing that loving the work came first.[25:09]
He summarizes a principal regret as failing to be present, intentional, and active with loved ones due to distractions.[25:24]

Mel's three relationship-related regrets she took from the research

Mel says three regrets from the research deeply impacted her: wasting time worrying about future events, not spending time with important people while they were alive, and caring so much about others' opinions that you don't do what you actually want.[25:59]

Caring too much about others' opinions and when to listen

Elders' advice on impressing others

Pillemer says elders would endorse a fairly radical rule: don't do anything primarily because you think it will impress other people.[26:30]
He clarifies this includes purchases and major choices made for the sake of others' opinions.[26:49]
Wanting to be liked or sometimes meeting expectations isn't inherently bad, but using impressing others as a main motivation is problematic.[26:49]
He gives a concrete example: when buying a car, try to remove from your mind what others will think of it.[26:54]
He notes people waste extraordinary amounts of time and money focusing on what others think.[27:11]

When elders say you should listen to others

A major exception: they strongly advise listening carefully if no one in your circle likes your prospective partner.[27:37]
He reports many elders saying, "If only I had listened" when everyone around them warned that a partner wasn't right.[28:34]
He distinguishes not listening when family disapproves due to prejudice versus genuinely observing that "everybody" thinks the person is wrong for you.[28:29]
Mel adds that as a parent she notices when her kids are in relationships where they "aren't themselves" versus relationships that bring out their best.[28:42]

Regret about family estrangement and anticipatory regret

Elders' regrets about estranged family relationships

Pillemer says many elders named unresolved estrangements with parents, siblings, or especially children as their major life regret.[35:07]
A vivid example: an 80-something woman in Texas who was lively and humorous, but when asked about her children, her mood shifted and she pounded her chair saying she never heard from them and it was continually painful.[35:24]
She had remarried and traveled with a second husband her kids didn't like, and over time contact eroded; late in life her deepest regret was the lost relationships.[36:00]

Acknowledging exceptions where distance is necessary

He stresses there are cases (e.g., histories of physical or sexual abuse, or currently dangerous or extremely damaging people) where breaking off contact can be appropriate.[36:39]
In such cases, if resuming contact is considered, doing so with professional psychological or counseling support is recommended.[37:05]
However, research suggests these extreme cases are a minority among family estrangements.[37:09]

Using anticipatory regret to guide family decisions

Many estranged elders told him that what they needed was a time machine to go back and stop the estrangement from happening.[37:20]
He recommends "anticipatory regret": imagining how a current decision (e.g., cutting off a sibling) will feel decades later.[37:24]
Example: if you and your brother stop speaking, it will likely affect future generations-cousins won't know each other, there won't be family reunions.[37:56]
He notes that people have strong, partly biological attachments to those they grew up with, which are difficult to override rationally.[38:13]
He suggests asking, "If I let this happen, will I regret it?" as a powerful lens on family conflict.[38:01]

Mel's perspective as a parent on relational responsibility

Mel says she believes her relationship with her adult children is 100% her responsibility.[38:58]
She frames the conversation as valuable for both parents and adult children, because small shifts can create major positive ripples across generations.[39:34]

Practical strategies for improving parent-child and family relationships

"Let them" as a guiding principle

Pillemer says a general principle elders recommend for relationships with older parents or adult children is similar to Mel's "let them" idea.[39:52]
As a father, he admits he has many ideas about his adult children's health habits and parenting, and has to work daily on not voicing them unless something is truly dangerous.[40:15]
He has explicitly told his children he'll try to withhold unsolicited advice except in genuinely life-threatening situations.[40:40]
For adult children, he advises not using visits (e.g., Thanksgiving) to push parents toward decisions like selling a house and moving to assisted living; instead, let them make their own mistakes and accept consequences.[41:02]

The problem with unsolicited advice

He cites 30-40 years of research showing that unsolicited advice about a problem is stressful, especially from people who haven't faced the same issue.[41:13]
He recommends getting out of the habit of giving unsolicited advice in family relationships.[41:13]

Shifting toward friendship and shared activities

He says successful long-term family relationships often evolve toward something more like friendship.[41:32]
He highlights the importance of shared interests and activities-e.g., bingo, weaving workshops, golf-as bridges that help mend estrangements.[41:39]
Many people who overcame estrangement did so not via a huge conversation about the past but by doing things together.[41:45]

Lightening up in family interactions

A repeated elder message is to "lighten up" in family relationships-everything doesn't need to be darkly serious or a battle of wills.[42:36]
He notes this applies especially to marriage: not every conflict needs to become a showdown.[43:06]
Mel observes that slow-burn resentments and accumulated irritations often make gatherings tense, leading people to avoid family contact.[42:49]

Five key lessons for living a good life from elders

Lesson 1: Always be honest

Mel reads the lesson "always be honest" and notes elders say most people suffer serious regret if they haven't been "fair and square."[43:49]
Pillemer explains "fair and square" as offering others genuinely fair deals and acting with integrity.[43:57]
He found he was surprised by how deeply people regretted their own dishonesty, beyond the cliche of honesty being good.[44:37]
Elders who had been victims of infidelity or major deception described it as profoundly shaking their faith in human relationships.[44:49]
Those who had been dishonest themselves, such as a man who repeatedly cheated on his wife, carried enduring guilt and regret.[44:55]
Others regretted participation in questionable business deals.[45:19]
He says acting with integrity is crucial for having a life narrative you can feel good about at the end.[45:19]
He encourages listeners to ask themselves if they're currently doing anything borderline dishonest that they'll later regret.[47:01]
He clarifies they are not advocating radical, tactless honesty in trivial situations but integrity in meaningful actions.[46:45]

Self-honesty about work and life direction

Mel extends the honesty lesson to self-betrayal: being honest with yourself if you dislike your work, lifestyle, or habits.[48:20]
She suggests questions like "Am I enjoying what I do for a living?" or "Do I really want to live another decade like this?"[48:05]
Pillemer agrees, saying that staying in an unfulfilling job primarily for money is often a failure of self-honesty.[48:36]
He cringes when students say they'll first work in a lucrative field they dislike and then later pursue their real passion, because elders say it's "always too late" for that kind of deferred dream.[48:54]
He reports elders insist that if you dread going to your job in the morning, you must seriously consider changing it as soon as feasible.[49:05]
He emphasizes elders want people to choose work for its intrinsic value rather than solely for extrinsic rewards.[49:18]

Lesson 2: Say yes to opportunities

Pillemer recounts a successful entrepreneur's rule: "Unless you have a compelling reason to say no, always say yes" to new responsibilities or opportunities.[50:44]
Elders repeatedly told him people are much more likely to regret things they didn't do than things they did.[51:08]
He notes it's wise to be more cautious around truly irreversible decisions, but many choices allow experimentation and partial steps.[51:54]
He encourages treating inertia as a danger: one day blending into the next because you're afraid to say yes.[52:21]

Lesson 3: Travel more and prioritize experiences

Elders' perspective on travel

Pillemer says travel was a surprisingly strong theme: elders urged younger people to travel while they can, even sacrificing other things if necessary.[52:49]
Many very old people themselves had barely traveled when young-some had never left their county or ethnic enclave-so they grasp the contrast.[53:35]
One woman advised that if you have to choose between a kitchen remodel and a trip, "take the trip."[53:49]
He says travel doesn't have to mean adventure tourism; it's anything that takes you out of your normal routine.[54:03]
He interprets travel as symbolic of an attitude of openness, receptivity, and adventure.[54:17]
He notes elders, though assumed to be conservative, are often radical in how urgently they tell younger people not to waste life.[54:21]

Travel and memories across the lifespan

Mel recalls one of her clearest childhood memories is a two-week motorhome trip visiting U.S. national parks, not big fancy vacations.[55:09]
She also remembers short fishing trips an hour from home as highlights, reinforcing that both big and small travel experiences are meaningful.[55:21]

Lesson 4: Choose a mate with extreme care

Why mate choice is so consequential

Mel notes some say choosing a life partner is the single most important decision you'll make, and Pillemer agrees.[59:23]
He points out that despite social changes, surveys show most young people still want to marry, plan to marry, and value lifelong marriage.[59:38]
Because you can change careers but a partner is harder to change, elders see mate choice as extremely high stakes.[1:00:07]

How elders say to choose carefully

They observe younger people sometimes marry because it's "time" rather than due to deep compatibility.[1:00:17]
Pillemer reiterates their advice to heed loved ones' consistent concerns if no one likes your prospective partner.[1:01:11]
He says elders consistently favor "birds of a feather flock together" over "opposites attract"-advising you to marry someone fundamentally similar to you.[1:01:03]
Similarity especially in core values is crucial, and research supports that people generally prefer being around similar others.[1:01:58]
Elders also emphasize cultivating qualities of friendship in marriage, not just passion.[1:02:17]

Embracing your partner's interests

A specific elder strategy: instead of resenting your partner's hobbies, learn to enjoy them with them.[1:03:24]
• If you're annoyed your spouse plays golf on Sundays, learn to play golf too.
• If your partner loves fantasy football, join the league instead of resenting the time spent.
• He mentions "tough old guys" who learned to enjoy opera because their wives loved it.
He says anger over a partner's interests is a common marital pattern elders learned to defuse by participating instead.[1:04:25]

Using games and hunger as diagnostic tools

Elders suggest watching how a prospective partner behaves while playing games-cards, mahjong, dominoes, trivia-as a concrete way to see their character.[1:04:25]
• A Dominican woman observed a man was competitive yet a gracious loser in cutthroat dominoes.
• In a Chinese senior center, someone assessed a future wife by how she related to others playing mahjong.
• Another person described a man who, when losing a game, threw the board and stormed out, which signaled trouble.
Pillemer shares an elder's humorous insight that sometimes the cure for serious-seeming arguments is a sandwich rather than therapy.[1:06:01]
• He and his wife found they had intense arguments while traveling that often traced back to forgetting to eat.
• He notes research showing you shouldn't argue when hungry and suggests getting something to eat during intractable arguments.
Mel realizes her family already asks her "When's the last time you ate?" when she starts unnecessary bickering.[1:06:55]

Revisiting "don't go to bed angry"

When elders offer marital advice, "don't go to bed angry" repeatedly came up, prompting Pillemer to unpack it.[1:07:22]
From their experience, if an argument carries over to another day, it usually gets more entrenched and harder to resolve.[1:08:20]
It also connects to their acute sense of life's shortness: any night could be the last, so they want conflicts resolved.[1:08:33]
Mel adds that going to bed angry often leads to a "cold" next day and increases the chance issues never get addressed, leaving deeper feelings unspoken.[1:08:50]
She notes that using bedtime as a deadline encourages leaning toward each other, apologizing, and being curious about the deeper issue sooner.[1:08:34]
Pillemer likens it to mediation setting a deadline: you might take a break to cool off, but aim to process and apologize before sleep.[1:09:04]

Lesson 5: Say it now and practice self-acceptance

Say it now: love, apologies, and questions

Mel reads elders' advice: say things now because people often end up saying "it might have been" when they fail to express themselves before it's too late.[1:11:01]
Pillemer says a profound regret is not having expressed love more, or not having asked for forgiveness while it was still possible.[1:10:54]
He notes that you can't ask for forgiveness or explanations once someone has died, "unless you believe in seances."[1:10:54]
He calls this an especially actionable area: if you're pondering saying something important, you should simply do it.[1:11:46]
He shares that in estrangement research, people waited years planning to call a sibling they hadn't spoken to; once they did, they felt like they'd taken off a heavy backpack.[1:10:48]
Mel reframes waiting as carrying a weighted backpack; when you act-call, drive over, or write the letter-you remove the backpack and free yourself from that emotional weight.[1:11:29]
Pillemer suggests another proactive exercise: ask, "Is there something I should be saying that I'm not?"[1:12:29]
• He notes parents often assume kids know they're proud of them but rarely say it outright.
• He advises looking a child in the eye and saying you're proud of how they've turned out, even if there have been issues.
• He visited a beloved college professor near the end of her life and expressed gratitude for how she'd advanced his career, which left him feeling grateful he'd said it.

Lesson: Go easy on yourself for past mistakes (self-acceptance)

Mel reads an elder's reflection that you can't change the past, and you have to accept yourself "warts and all."[1:13:32]
That elder came from a background that demanded perfection if they just tried harder, and it took time to accept that life doesn't work that way and that's okay.[1:13:44]
Pillemer highlights the metaphor: once you've bought a pair of shoes, "don't look at the shoes in the next store window"-don't constantly compare to what might have been.[1:14:24]

Practical ways elders suggest building self-acceptance

He suggests first reflecting: are you constantly second-guessing yourself or overemphasizing regrets about a decision?[1:14:48]
One step is simply awareness-recognizing where you may be torturing yourself over past choices.[1:15:26]
He urges awareness that culture and influencers push perfectionism, with images of perfect homes, bodies, and lives.[1:15:12]
He recommends practicing self-compassion and self-forgiveness, recognizing you won't be perfect.[1:15:42]
A powerful elder technique is asking, "Will I really care about this when I'm 80?" to take the long view and reduce self-criticism over minor issues.[1:16:32]
He also advises reframing mistakes by focusing on what you learned rather than on how badly you think you messed up.[1:16:49]

"Happy in spite of" versus "happy if only"

Elders' unique vantage point on happiness

Mel reads from the book: many unpleasant things will happen in life, and when they do, you can either sulk or put on a brave face and move on.[1:17:14]
She contrasts an attitude of being "happy in spite of" difficulties with the more common "happy if only" mindset (e.g., I'll be happy if only I lose weight, find a partner, get divorced, get rich).[1:18:33]
She says elders believe the "happy if only" perspective is futile and leads to disappointment.[1:18:08]
She shares that learning to be happy "in spite of" has changed her life, including practicing being happy for no reason at all.[1:18:33]

Why this insight justifies the project for Pillemer

Pillemer says this core wisdom-choosing happiness despite circumstances-is where elders' perspective is uniquely valuable.[1:19:05]
He notes that by their 70s and beyond, almost everyone has chronic disease and loss of loved ones, including parents, siblings, and possibly partners.[1:19:33]
Yet hundreds of studies show older people (especially over 60-65) are, on average, happier than younger people based on survey items.[1:19:59]
He frames the paradox: how can people with more loss and illness be happier, and what can we learn from their solutions?[1:20:24]

Practices elders use to be "happy in spite of"

He says elders consciously choose to be happy given current circumstances rather than waiting for perfect ones.[1:20:42]
Techniques include waking up and saying "I'm going to make this as good a day as it can be" or "This can be a good day; how can I make this count?"[1:21:13]
They work to avoid negative emotions about their situation and instead look for what's working in their lives.[1:22:32]
He argues that if older people didn't learn to be happy in spite of circumstances, every old person would be miserable, given the realities of aging.[1:22:05]
Mel underscores that choosing to focus on what you do have and to make today good simply because you woke up can dramatically change life quality.[1:22:37]

Elders' health wisdom: fear chronic disease, not just death

Why young people's "I don't care how long I live" logic fails

Pillemer says that when he shares elders' health messages, audiences often metaphorically put their fingers in their ears.[1:23:33]
He notes many younger people say they enjoy smoking, junk food, or inactivity and "don't care" if they die earlier because of it.[1:24:57]
Elders counter that you likely won't just die at, say, 69; medical science will keep you alive for one or two decades with burdensome chronic disease.[1:25:14]
He stresses the problem to fear isn't just dying but living long with debilitating illness.[1:25:03]

Importance of midlife habits

He cites research showing what you do in your 30s, 40s, and 50s may be more important than what you do later for avoiding chronic disease.[1:25:14]
Heart-healthy, chronic disease prevention lifestyles in midlife are "really critical" from the elders' viewpoint.[1:26:46]
Many elders deeply regretted not being able to get spouses to stop smoking or adopt healthier habits, which harmed decades of later life.[1:26:40]
He argues motivation should be avoiding long, burdensome illness, not just adjusting how many years you live.[1:27:30]

Gratitude for mundane things and the power of positive emotions

Gratitude for another day of life

Mel notes that as people near the end of life and know they have limited time, it often creates deep gratitude for each new day.[1:28:08]
She quotes an elder who said that every day they say, "Yes, I'm alive" and every night they say "Thank you."[1:28:39]
That elder deliberately chose the most simple, mundane things to be grateful for, seeing them as where life's meaning actually lies.[1:28:34]

How gratitude and positive emotion reduce stress

Pillemer connects this to research on gratitude and happiness, noting that gratitude for small positives is integral to the broader "happiness is a choice" concept.[1:28:16]
He says scientific evidence shows that infusing positive emotions into very stressful experiences reduces the overall negativity.[1:29:36]
He cites studies of people caring for loved ones with advanced Alzheimer's; those who thought of themselves as doing something meaningful and competent felt less crushed by the stress.[1:30:14]
He encourages listeners to take this research seriously as practical wisdom: even in bad times, consciously adding positive perspectives helps.[1:30:44]

Pillemer's biggest personal takeaway: live like your life is short

How elders describe life's shocking brevity

Asked what changed him the most, Pillemer says everything he learned can be summed up as: "live like your life is short."[1:28:34]
He reports that the older people were, the more emphatically they said "life is short"-some saying it passed in a "nanosecond."[1:30:17]
A 99-year-old told him, "I don't know what happened because the next thing you know you're 100."[1:30:31]
He guarantees that listeners who reach their 80s, 90s, or beyond will be astonished by how quickly life seemed to pass.[1:31:53]

Using life's shortness as a superpower

He says elders don't want this realization to depress people but to be used as a superpower.[1:32:25]
On the long view, it helps you see that petty issues (like a colleague's nicer office) won't matter in 60 years.[1:33:09]
On the short view, knowing life will feel very short pushes you not to waste time on unfulfilling jobs, bad relationships, or unexpressed love.[1:32:45]
He cites a scriptural line about numbering our days to gain wisdom and says it's hard because it's depressing, but crucial.[1:32:39]
He believes living as if life is short greatly increases the chances of a better, more intentional life.[1:32:37]

Mel's closing reflections and encouragement

Mel says she feels inspired and sees his advice as a roadmap for living more intentionally, choosing happiness, making amends, and acting on what is in our power.[1:32:39]
She tells listeners that if they could time travel to see themselves at 90 or 100, their older selves would tell them exactly what they heard in the episode.[1:33:00]
She urges listeners not just to consume the ideas but to act on them.[1:33:59]
In line with the elders' "say it now" advice, she explicitly tells listeners she loves them, believes in them, and believes in their ability to create a better life.[1:34:07]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Differentiate clearly between what you can control (your actions, priorities, and attitudes) and what you cannot (outcomes, other people's behavior), then invest your energy only where you truly have agency.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life am I currently spending energy on things I can't actually control, and what specific actions could I shift that energy toward instead?
  • • How would my stress levels change if, for the next month, I focused only on controllable steps and dropped attempts to control outcomes?
  • • What is one concrete situation this week where I can pause, identify what is and isn't in my control, and then choose a different response based on that clarity?
2

Chronic worry about hypothetical futures is one of the biggest long-term regrets; replacing rumination with concrete planning and action not only reduces anxiety but also protects your time and quality of life.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What recurring worry has been looping in my mind lately that I will likely look back on as wasted time?
  • • How can I turn that specific worry into a simple plan with one or two actionable steps I can take in the next few days?
  • • When I catch myself ruminating this week, what new habit (like asking "What can I do right now?" or scheduling time to plan) could I use to break the cycle?
3

Invest intentionally in relationships-through time, presence, and expressed appreciation-because at the end of life people regret neglecting loved ones far more than any missed career or financial goals.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which relationships in my life matter most to me but are currently getting the least of my time and attention?
  • • How might my schedule and priorities look different if I organized them around people and experiences instead of tasks and achievements?
  • • What is one simple action I can take this week (a call, a visit, an invitation) to be more present with someone I care about?
4

You are far more likely to regret the opportunities you turn down than the ones you accept; saying "yes" to new roles, experiences, and directions-especially when they're reversible-builds a richer and more fulfilling life story.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What opportunity or invitation have I recently declined or delayed mainly out of fear or inertia rather than a clear, compelling reason?
  • • How could I break a big, intimidating opportunity into a smaller, low-risk first step that I can say "yes" to now?
  • • Looking back five years from today, which current decision will I most wish I had been brave enough to say "yes" to?
5

Choosing work and partners that align with your values and genuinely feel right-rather than impressing others or chasing only money-sets the foundation for long-term satisfaction and fewer life-defining regrets.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In my current job or relationship, where am I acting to impress others rather than because it feels right and meaningful to me?
  • • How would my criteria for a job or partner change if my top filter was "Does this feel intrinsically fulfilling over the long term?"
  • • What is one adjustment I could start making this month-however small-that moves my work or relationships closer to what truly fits me?
6

Practicing self-acceptance and self-compassion-viewing past mistakes as sources of learning instead of permanent indictments-frees up energy to live better now instead of being trapped in endless second-guessing.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which specific decision or mistake from my past do I revisit most often in my mind, and what have I actually learned from it?
  • • How might my daily mood and choices shift if I treated myself the way I would treat a close friend who made the same mistake?
  • • What concrete ritual or statement (for example, journaling, a mantra, or a conversation) could I use to mark my decision to move forward instead of repeatedly looking in the "next store window"?
7

Living as if life is genuinely short-because it will feel that way in hindsight-pushes you to stop postponing important conversations, changes, and experiences and to use your limited time far more intentionally.

Reflection Questions:

  • • If I found out I had only five years left, what are the top three things in my current life I would immediately stop tolerating or postponing?
  • • How might my priorities shift this week if I really believed that, at 80 or 90, I will feel like today was "just a moment ago"?
  • • What is one bold but realistic decision I can make in the next month-about work, relationships, or how I spend my days-that reflects the reality that my time is finite?

Episode Summary - Notes by Kendall

This One Study Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life: The Cornell Legacy Project
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