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TED Talks Daily

Your relationship expectations could be holding you back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (re-release)

with Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile

Published October 4, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Host Elise Hugh introduces a TED Next 2024 talk by couples therapist Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile about how conventional expectations can make romantic relationships feel harder than they need to be. Yates-Anyabwile argues that many relationship struggles come from comparing ourselves to societal norms rather than designing arrangements that fit two unique individuals. Using examples from her clinical practice and her own family, she shows how redefining success in relationships-sometimes in unconventional ways like living apart or commuting separately-can reduce conflict and increase connection.

Topics Covered

Relationships Romantic relationships Dating expectations Marriage Parenting and child development Family patterns Boundaries Personal Development Perspective shift

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Quick Takeaways

  • Many relationship problems stem from comparing ourselves to societal norms instead of asking what actually works for the two people involved.
  • If your deepest wish is for your partner to fundamentally change who they are, it may be a sign you are with the wrong person.
  • A blended family couple discovered that living apart improved both their romantic relationship and their relationships with the children.
  • There is no single "normal" relationship model; two unique individuals will naturally need tailored arrangements.
  • Accepting differences in values (like punctuality versus appearance) can prevent recurring conflicts over daily logistics.
  • Unconventional choices such as separate bedrooms, separate travel, or a new last name can be healthy if they suit the partners involved.
  • Questioning the blanket statement that "relationships are hard" opens space to identify what is actually hard and what can be changed.

Podcast Notes

Podcast introduction and framing of the relationship topic

Host introduces TED Talks Daily and herself

The host states that listeners are tuning in to TED Talks Daily, which brings new ideas to spark curiosity every day.[2:05]
She identifies herself by name as Elise Hugh.[2:09]

Host frames romantic relationships as the episode's focus

Elise says that romantic relationships are hard and that it is natural for problems to arise.[2:10]
She poses a challenge to common thinking by asking what if everything we think we know about what causes problems in relationships is wrong.[2:18]
She suggests that rejecting what we think we know could actually make relationships better.[2:22]

Introduction of Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile and her TED Next talk

Elise introduces couples therapist Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile as the speaker of the featured talk.[2:27]
She says Stephanie digs into a fascinating new perspective on relationships in a talk given at TED Next, described as one of TED's flagship conferences.[2:34]
The host notes that the talk offers a glimpse into the kinds of eye-opening ideas that are shared at TED Next.[2:39]

Stephanie's background and challenge to conventional relationship narratives

Stephanie introduces herself and her love of romance media

Stephanie states that she is a couples therapist and an "absolute romance fiend."[3:32]
She lists examples of romance content she loves, including "The Notebook," "Twilight," and the reality competition show "The Flavor of Love."[3:47]
• She explains that "The Flavor of Love" was a show where the prize was the love of Flava Flav.
She says she thinks about relationships a lot, both professionally and personally.[3:53]

The belief that "relationships are hard" and where it comes from

Stephanie notes that a common belief that comes up often in her work is that relationships are hard.[3:59]
She argues that people believe relationships are hard primarily because their metric of success is based on what they have seen everyone else do.[4:05]

Illustration of how societal norms shape judgments about other couples

Stephanie asks the audience to imagine how they would honestly feel if they heard certain details about another couple.[4:09]
She lists examples: a couple not sleeping in the same bed anymore, claiming they never want to get married, and not planning to live together.[4:20]
She suggests that many people would assume such a couple has serious issues.[4:29]
• She emphasizes that this reaction is not necessarily due to a lack of open-mindedness, but to what people have been taught are warning signs.
She notes that these signs can indeed indicate trouble for many people, but not always.[4:42]

How expectations and comparisons create resentment and shame

Stephanie says relationship experts have found that a primary obstacle couples face is their own expectations.[4:51]
She explains that comparing oneself to societal norms can create resentment toward one's partner and shame about how one is coming up short personally.[5:00]
She introduces the need to distinguish being with the wrong person from having misaligned expectations with the right person.[5:14]

Distinguishing the wrong partner from the wrong expectations

Recognizing when you might be with the wrong person

Stephanie cautions that some people must reckon with the possibility that they are with the wrong person.[5:14]
She says this becomes clear if one's deepest desire is for a partner to change fundamental aspects of who they are.[5:19]
She frames wanting a partner to be a different person as a sign of misalignment.[5:23]

When you're with the right person but still dissatisfied

Stephanie turns to those confident they are with the right person but who still feel frustrated and dissatisfied.[5:29]
She proposes that rejecting everything we have "known" about good relationships may be the key to actually having a good one.[5:37]

Case study: Engaged couple, blended family, and living apart

Background of the engaged couple seeking therapy

Stephanie describes working with an engaged couple for about a year, helping them through a relational crisis.[5:45]
When they first came to her, the couple reported that they were "95% good" and only wanted to address the remaining 5%.[5:49]
Stephanie notes that she hears similar statements from many couples at the beginning of therapy.[5:41]
Over time, it became clear that the problematic 5% was closer to 75% and was increasing.[5:59]

Challenges of a rapidly formed blended family

The couple was struggling to make a blended family work.[6:04]
One partner already had kids, while the other had never lived with children before.[6:09]
They moved in together after only knowing each other for three months.[6:12]
Stephanie recalls that she went on vacation, and by the time she returned, the couple had called off their wedding.[6:26]
She emphasizes that their love was evident and they were not cruel to each other, so the problem was not a lack of affection.[6:28]

The central tension: romance versus household and parenting demands

Their main issue was figuring out how to keep building their romantic relationship while also figuring out how to raise teenagers.[6:38]
• She notes the teenagers already had two very involved parents and were not really in need of a third parent.
A particularly big blow-up over chores and responsibilities led Stephanie to ask a "dangerous" question.[6:50]

The dangerous question: Has living together helped or hurt?

Stephanie asked the couple whether they thought living together had hurt or helped their relationship more.[6:58]
They spent a few weeks exploring that question together in therapy.[7:01]
The couple decided to test the idea that living apart might help by getting a short-term lease on a nearby apartment for the partner without kids.[7:06]

Designing a structured experiment in living apart

Stephanie says they were very strategic about the trial separation of households.[7:19]
They created a contract that addressed dates, expectations, and boundaries during the period of living separately.[7:17]
By the time the couple returned to therapy after trying this arrangement, Stephanie had never seen them communicate so well.[7:22]

Positive outcomes of living apart for the couple and the kids

The couple reported looking forward to every weekend they spent together.[7:26]
Weekends felt like vacations because they spent the entire week planning and savoring their time together.[7:31]
They also found that their individual relationships with the kids drastically improved.[7:36]
• Removing the pressure of transitioning the kids into an entirely new household dynamic, especially with only a couple of years left before the kids moved out, was beneficial.

Questioning "normal" and focusing on what works for specific couples

Addressing skepticism about a couples therapist recommending living apart

Stephanie anticipates the question of what kind of couples therapist would recommend that couples live apart.[7:55]
She acknowledges that for the majority of her clients, living apart would not be a workable solution.[8:02]
She stresses that this is precisely the point: solutions must depend on the specific couple and their circumstances.[8:05]

Rejecting the idea of a single "normal" relationship model

Stephanie says that when thinking about relationships, people must avoid focusing on what is normal.[8:11]
She asserts that there is no such thing as normal when dealing with two unique individuals with distinct backgrounds and values.[8:13]
For the specific couple she described, they needed to separate their romantic relationship from what was essentially a set of roommate issues.[8:25]
She notes that their situation was supported by practical circumstances that allowed the option to live apart.[8:33]

Accepting value differences: example of punctuality versus appearance

Common conflict between being on time and feeling ready

Stephanie describes a frequent conflict in her work between partners who value arriving on time and those who value arriving looking and feeling their best.[8:39]
She emphasizes that neither value system is wrong.[8:39]

Her parents' solution: always driving separately

Stephanie shares that she had a great model for handling this difference in values from her own parents.[8:47]
When she was growing up, her family drove everywhere separately.[8:51]
She explains that if you were going to be a little late, you would ride with her mom, and if you wanted to arrive on time, you would go with her dad.[8:57]
Her parents owned two minivans despite having only two children, illustrating their commitment to this arrangement.[9:23]
She jokes that they did not go anywhere together as a family in one car.[9:08]

Outside perceptions and curiosity about non-normative arrangements

Stephanie recalls that when she was about 12, one of her closest friends finally asked about the separate commuting habit.[9:13]
She sensed that her friend was nervous, as if about to discover that her parents were secretly separated.[9:23]
Stephanie reflects that, in hindsight, she suspects her friend's mother may have encouraged the question.[9:13]
She points out an irony: her friend's parents later got divorced, while her own parents stayed together for 23 years until her mother passed away.[9:35]

What the commuting example reveals about norms and acceptance

Stephanie clarifies that she does not attribute her parents' long relationship solely to commuting separately.[9:41]
She says the example illustrates that any deviation from the norm can be met with curiosity and even judgment.[9:49]
It also shows that doing things differently can mean the difference between a challenging day and a smooth one as a couple.[9:44]
She suggests this smoother day can result from accepting differences as individuals rather than trying to erase them as a couple.[10:07]

Embracing differences and unconventional relationship choices

Shifting from changing partners to accepting individual differences

Stephanie asks what might happen if, instead of trying to change partners, people embraced their partners' differences and differing values.[10:11]
She proposes releasing the pressure to conform to what everyone else is doing in their relationships.[10:21]

Examples of "okay" but nontraditional relationship choices

Stephanie affirms that it is okay to be a stay-at-home dad.[10:22]
She says it is okay if partners prefer to travel without each other.[10:25]
She notes it is okay for partners to have their own bedrooms in order to maintain personal space and stay sane for each other.[10:31]
She says it is okay to break tradition and create a new last name.[10:39]
She states that it is okay to share one's love on social media, and also okay to protect it from public opinion.[10:43]
She adds that it is okay to be in a season of life where both partners cannot prioritize sex.[10:48]
She emphasizes that it is okay if people are confused about your relationship, because it was never theirs to understand.[10:55]

Reframing "relationships are hard" and call to intentional change

Interrogating the claim that relationships are inherently hard

Stephanie warns that if people continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard, they will continue to do nothing about it.[11:00]
She encourages people to reflect on what exactly feels hard in their relationships.[11:17]
She asks whether the difficulty lies in the relationship itself or in external factors like personal trauma history or work stress.[11:23]

Commitment to doing things differently with the right partner

If the difficulty is indeed in the relationship, she urges people to consider what they and their partners are willing to do differently to enjoy the relationship again.[10:57]
She calls for rejecting everything we have ever known about relationships.[11:39]
She challenges listeners to create relationships that defy expectations while honoring the peculiarities that make each person who they are.[11:43]
Stephanie concludes her talk with a thank you to the audience.[11:55]

Outro and TED Next context

Host identifies the talk and event context

Elise reiterates that the speaker was Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile at TED Next in 2024.[11:55]

Production credits and show closure

The host notes that TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective.[12:19]
She says the talk was fact-checked by the TED Research Team and produced and edited by a team including Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, and Tansika Sangmarnivong.[12:28]
She mentions that the episode was mixed by Christopher Fasey-Bogan, with additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Balarezo.[12:32]
Elise signs off by stating her name and saying she will be back with another idea, thanking listeners for listening.[12:38]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Comparing your relationship to societal norms can create unnecessary resentment and shame; instead, define success based on what genuinely works for you and your partner.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my relationship am I measuring us against what I think is "normal" rather than what actually feels right for us?
  • • How has comparison to other couples influenced my expectations of my partner or myself?
  • • What is one specific expectation I could question or let go of this week to reduce pressure in my relationship?
2

If your deepest wish is for your partner to fundamentally change who they are, it may be a sign of misalignment rather than a solvable compatibility issue.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What aspects of my partner do I secretly or openly wish were fundamentally different?
  • • How can I distinguish between reasonable requests for change in behavior and wanting a completely different person?
  • • What conversation or internal reflection do I need to have to honestly assess whether my core needs can be met in this relationship?
3

Creative, tailored arrangements-like living separately, driving separately, or having separate bedrooms-can reduce conflict when they honor each person's values and circumstances.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In what areas of shared life (home, parenting, schedules) do our values or preferences most often clash?
  • • How could we experiment with a nontraditional arrangement that might respect both of our needs more fully?
  • • What small, low-risk trial could we design together to test a new way of living or organizing our time?
4

Accepting partners' differences as individual traits rather than problems to fix can turn recurring conflicts into manageable quirks.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which recurring disagreements in my relationship are really about differing values rather than right versus wrong?
  • • How might my attitude change if I framed a partner's behavior as a stable preference to work around instead of a flaw to correct?
  • • What is one concrete adjustment I could make to accommodate a partner's difference instead of fighting it?
5

Treating "relationships are hard" as a cue for inquiry rather than a fixed truth helps you pinpoint whether the difficulty lies in the relationship or in external stressors.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When I feel like my relationship is hard, what exactly feels most difficult in that moment?
  • • How much of my relationship tension might actually be driven by work stress, past trauma, or other external pressures?
  • • What is one step I can take this week-alone or with my partner-to address a specific source of difficulty rather than resigning myself to it?

Episode Summary - Notes by Micah

Your relationship expectations could be holding you back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (re-release)
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