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TED Talks Daily

TED Talks Daily Book Club: Why change is so scary - and how to unlock its potential | Maya Shankar (re-release)

with Maya Shankar

Published October 19, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Host Elise Hu introduces a live virtual book club around Oliver Berkman's book "Meditations for Mortals" and frames a replay of cognitive scientist Maya Shankar's 2023 TED talk about navigating unexpected change. In her talk, Shankar shares her own story of losing her dream of becoming a concert violinist, along with the experiences of others, to illustrate how change can be frightening because of uncertainty and loss but can also expand our capabilities, values, and identities. She offers three guiding questions to reframe disruptive events and describes how she is using them in her own current struggle with pregnancy losses and uncertainty about becoming a mother.

Topics Covered

Change and loss Personal Development Resilience Identity Perspective shift Grief and loss Relationships Cognitive biases Curiosity

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Quick Takeaways

  • Unexpected change often feels frightening because it combines uncertainty with a sense of loss, but it can also catalyze growth in what we can do, what we value, and how we define ourselves.
  • Maya Shankar proposes three questions about capabilities, values, and identity to help people notice internal shifts when life takes an unchosen turn.
  • The story of blind chef Christine Ha shows how persevering through difficulty can uncover new abilities and even lead to extraordinary achievements that once seemed impossible.
  • Science journalist Florence Williams's heartbreak illustrates how letting go of the drive for cognitive closure can open up more joy, beauty, and serendipity.
  • Anchoring identity in underlying motivations (the "why") rather than specific roles or labels can make it easier to adapt when life circumstances change.
  • Shankar herself is using these questions to reimagine parenting and loosen a fixed identity around motherhood amid pregnancy losses and uncertainty.
  • Research cited in the talk shows humans prefer certainty about bad outcomes over uncertainty and underestimate how much they will change in the future.
  • Shifting from seeing life as a puzzle to be solved to a path of discovery can make unexpected turns feel more expansive rather than purely constricting.

Podcast Notes

Host introduction and TED Talks Daily book club context

Introducing TED Talks Daily and the episode's theme

Elise Hu welcomes listeners to TED Talks Daily[1:56]
• She explains that TED Talks Daily brings new ideas to spark curiosity every day.

Virtual read-along and book club announcement

Description of the current virtual read-along[2:04]
• Elise says they are doing a virtual read-along of TEDx speaker Oliver Berkman's book "Meditations for Mortals, four weeks to embrace your limitations and make time for what counts."
Live book club event details[2:16]
• She notes the read-along leads up to a TED Talks Daily live book club conversation happening on Tuesday, November 4th.

Connecting the book to today's talk about taking action and imperfection

Framing the theme of taking action and embracing imperfection[2:34]
• Elise says Oliver asks readers to consider what could shift if they embrace imperfection.
Why Elise chose Maya Shankar's talk[2:39]
• She says this connects to a 2023 talk from cognitive scientist Maya Shankar about how life's curveballs can be expansive and inspiring.
• Elise mentions that Maya offers three questions to reframe our relationship to change and open possibilities for growth.

Encouraging listener engagement and social media

Where Elise will share thoughts about the book[3:04]
• Elise invites listeners to follow her on Instagram at @EliseHu (spelled E-L-I-S-E-W-H-O), where she will share thoughts about "Meditations for Mortals" as they read along.
How to RSVP for the book club meeting[3:12]
• She directs interested listeners to TED.com/join to sign up and RSVP for the book club meeting.
Transition to the talk[3:14]
• Elise says, "But for now, here's Maya's talk," transitioning into the TED talk replay.

Maya Shankar's story of losing her violin dream and framing unexpected change

Childhood dedication to the violin

Violin as the center of Maya's life[3:16]
• Maya recalls that as a kid, the violin was the center of her life.
Practice routine and early training[3:26]
• She would run home from the bus stop after school and practice for hours.
• Every Saturday, she and her mom woke at 4 a.m. to catch a train to New York so she could study at Juilliard.
Mentorship by idol Itzhak Perlman[3:37]
• As a teenager, her musical idol Itzhak Perlman invited her to be his private student.
• At that point, her dream of becoming a concert violinist felt within reach.

Career-ending injury and emotional impact

The moment of injury[3:56]
• At age 15, while practicing a tricky technical passage, she overextended her finger on a single note and heard a popping sound.
• She had permanently damaged the tendons in her hand.
• She says her dream was over.
Using her story to introduce the theme of unexpected change[4:06]
• Maya explains she shares this story because unexpected change happens to everyone, citing events like accidents, illnesses, or relationships that suddenly end.

From violinist to cognitive scientist and podcaster

Current role and interests[4:25]
• Maya notes that today she is not a violinist but a cognitive scientist interested in how people respond to such changes.
Her podcast "A Slight Change of Plans"[4:28]
• She has spent the past two decades studying the science of human behavior and now hosts a podcast called "A Slight Change of Plans."
• On the podcast, she interviews people worldwide about their life-altering experiences.

Why change is scary: uncertainty, loss, and overlooked internal growth

Fear of change and hatred of uncertainty

Common fear of change[5:07]
• Maya says she started the podcast because change is scary for many people and asks the audience to agree.
Uncertainty as a major contributor to fear[4:46]
• She notes that change is filled with uncertainty and that humans hate uncertainty.
Research on uncertainty and stress[4:46]
• She cites research showing people are more stressed when told they have a 50% chance of receiving an electric shock than when told they have a 100% chance.
• She emphasizes the wild finding that people would rather be sure a bad thing will happen than deal with uncertainty.

Change as loss and perceived contraction

Loss inherent in change[5:18]
• Maya notes that change also involves loss, because by definition it means leaving an old way of being and entering a new one.
Feeling that life is contracting[5:25]
• She says when people experience a change they wouldn't have chosen, it's easy to feel their lives are contracting and that they are more limited than before.

Reframing change as potential expansion

Overlooking internal change[5:42]
• Maya argues that this perspective fails to account for the fact that unexpected change can inspire lasting change within us.
We become different people after change[5:42]
• She says that after change, what we are capable of, what we value, and how we define ourselves can all shift.
Possibility of expansion[6:05]
• If we pay close attention to these internal shifts, she suggests we may find that change can actually expand us rather than limit us.

Three questions to unlock the potential in unexpected change

Overview of the three questions framework

Purpose of the questions[6:05]
• Maya introduces three questions listeners can ask themselves when life throws a curveball.
• She acknowledges that in the moment it is easy to focus on what has been lost, and she hopes the questions can help uncover potential gains.

Question 1: How might this change, change what you're capable of?

Introducing Christine Ha's story[6:27]
• Maya says the first question is inspired by a conversation with a woman named Christine Ha and focuses on capabilities.
Christine's sudden blindness and early struggles[6:27]
• Christine was 24 when a rare autoimmune disease left her permanently blind.
• At the time, she had been learning to cook Vietnamese dishes she loved from childhood, but after losing her vision, even simple meals became difficult.
The peanut butter and jelly sandwich turning point[6:48]
• Christine told Maya her frustration peaked when she tried to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
• She struggled to align the two slices of bread, and sticky jelly dripped over her hands and onto the counter.
• She threw the sandwich in the trash and felt defeated by the limited future she imagined for herself.
Incremental progress and discovering multisensory cooking[7:22]
• Because Christine lived alone, she had no choice but to keep cooking.
• She remembers her delight at successfully cutting an orange for the first time and scrambling an egg without burning it.
• With more hours in the kitchen, she realized cooking was more multisensory than she had thought.
• For example, while she could not see if garlic had browned, she could rely on smell and the sizzling sounds in the pan.
A new drive emerges and leads to MasterChef[7:57]
• Maya explains that at the start of her vision loss, Christine cooked just to get by as a practical matter.
• Over time, she became thrilled by the challenge, taking on harder recipes over the years.
• Eventually she became the first ever blind contestant on the TV show MasterChef.
• Maya notes that Christine won the entire competition and calls her a rock star.
Articulating Question 1[8:09]
• Maya states the first question: "How might this change, change what you're capable of?"
Dan Gilbert's research on underestimating future change[8:28]
• She says that when predicting how we will respond to change, we imagine our present-day selves in that future situation.
• She cites psychologist Dan Gilbert's research showing people greatly underestimate how much they will change in the future, even while acknowledging they have changed considerably in the past.
• Maya explains that our psychology tricks us into believing who we are right now is who we will remain.
Christine's ongoing expansion of capabilities[8:57]
• Maya emphasizes that the person who will meet the challenges after an unexpected change will be different; "you will be different."
• She notes that today Christine is a world-renowned chef who goes by the nickname "The Blind Cook" and owns three restaurants in Texas.
• Christine is curious about what else she can achieve without vision and now snowboards and rock climbs on weekends.
• Christine told Maya that if given the choice, she would choose not to have her vision restored, though she would like it back for a moment to see what Justin Bieber looks like.

Question 2: How might this change, change what you value?

Introducing Florence Williams's story of heartbreak[9:45]
• Maya says the second question concerns values and is inspired by a conversation with science journalist Florence Williams.
Discovery of her husband's affair via email[9:56]
• About five years earlier, Florence and her husband were hosting a dinner party for friends.
• While she prepared a salad, her husband handed her his phone to read an email from a relative but mistakenly opened the wrong email.
• Instead, she saw a lengthy note from her husband confessing his love to another woman.
• Maya notes that Florence's 25-year marriage ended.
Intensity of heartbreak and initial problem-solving mindset[10:21]
• Florence told Maya she was taken aback by the physical and emotional intensity of her heartbreak, describing it as feeling like being plugged into a faulty electrical socket.
• As a problem-solver by nature, Florence instinctively saw her heartbreak as a problem to solve and created a year-long systematic plan to fix it.
Various attempted remedies for heartbreak[10:58]
• Florence tried solo trips into the wilderness.
• She experimented with a range of therapies.
• She even visited the Museum of Broken Relationships, which Maya assures the audience is a real place.
• Maya summarizes that Florence tried many approaches, but by the end of the year none of them healed her broken heart.
Letting go of the need for closure[11:17]
• With her plan unsuccessful, Florence had to consider a new philosophy: that a broken heart might not be a problem to solve and closure might not be the answer.
Dacher Keltner's research on cognitive closure and joy[11:11]
• Maya cites psychologist Dacher Keltner's research showing that reducing our need for "cognitive closure"-the desire for clear, definitive answers-expands our capacity to feel joy and beauty.
Florence's shift in values and delight in the unknown[11:38]
• Florence told Maya that when she freed herself from a goal-oriented mindset, which she had long valued, she began to find unexpected delight in the unknown.
Articulating Question 2[11:38]
• Maya states the second question: "How might this change, change what you value?"
Ongoing impact on Florence's life and relationship to plans[11:58]
• Maya says the unexpected collapse of Florence's marriage permanently shifted her view of life from a puzzle needing solutions to a more serendipitous path of discovery.
• Now, when Florence hikes, she is as likely to sit still feeling the breeze as to aim for the summit.
• She no longer makes five-year plans and is comfortable not knowing all the answers about her heartbreak.
• Maya adds that Florence is currently in a very happy relationship, based on a recent text exchange.

Question 3: How might this change, change how you define yourself?

Returning to Maya's violin loss and identity paralysis[12:55]
• Maya explains that the third question is about self-identity and comes from her own experience with the violin.
• After her injury, she grieved not only the loss of the instrument but also the loss of herself.
• The violin had defined her for so long that without it, she was unsure who she was or could be and felt stuck.
Concept of identity paralysis[12:55]
• She learned that this experience is called "identity paralysis," which happens when unexpected events suddenly call into question who we think we are and what we are about.
Discovering a more stable anchor for identity[13:13]
• Maya realized there was something more stable she could have anchored her identity to.
Articulating Question 3[13:17]
• She presents the third question: "How might this change, change how you define yourself?"
Reframing what she missed about the violin[13:25]
• On reexamining her relationship with the violin, Maya found she missed not the instrument itself but that music had been a vehicle for emotional connection with others.
• She recalls as a child playing for people and being awestruck that they could all feel something new together.
Shifting from "what" to "why" in identity[13:50]
• Today, she says she no longer anchors her identity to specific pursuits such as being a violinist, cognitive scientist, or podcaster.
• Instead, she anchors her identity to what energizes her in those pursuits, which for her is a love of human connection and understanding.
• She concludes that she now defines herself not by what she does but why she does it.

Applying the three questions to ongoing personal challenges and closing the talk

Acknowledging that unexpected change is inevitable and painful

Reality of change "sucking" but holding possibility[14:27]
• Maya says unexpected change comes for everyone and can "really suck."
• She hopes that staying open to internal changes and expansion can help people weather the storm of change.

Maya's current experience with pregnancy loss and uncertainty about motherhood

Describing her desire for motherhood and difficulties[15:20]
• Maya shares that life recently gave her a new "slight change of plans": she has always wanted to be a mom, but becoming one has been difficult.
• She and her husband have had to navigate pregnancy losses and other heartbreaks over the years.
• She says she is not sure what will happen.
Using the three questions in real time[14:54]
• Maya explains that she is using the three questions to help her during this difficult time.
• She is asking herself how this challenge might change what she is capable of, what she values, and how she defines herself.
Imagining an expanded definition of parenting[15:20]
• She says she is still figuring things out, but imagines a future version of herself who expands the definition of what it means to parent.
• She envisions perhaps finding what she craved from motherhood in other places.
Loosening the grip on the identity of "mom"[15:26]
• She notes that this exploration has allowed her to loosen her grip on the identity of "mom" and that she has found this freeing.
• She says she is beginning to see change with more possibility and hopes the audience can too.
Conclusion and thanks[16:46]
• Maya ends her talk by thanking the audience.

Host outro: context, credits, and book club reminder

Context for the talk's original publication

TED event and publication date[15:58]
• Elise says that was Maya Shankar at TED 2023 and notes the talk was originally published in July 2023.

Final invitation to the live book club

Details of the last live book club conversation of the year[15:58]
• Elise reminds listeners that the last live book club conversation of the year is happening November 4th with Oliver Berkman, author of "Meditations for Mortals."
• She again directs listeners to TED.com/join to sign up and RSVP.

Mention of TED's curation and production credits

Curation guidelines link[16:20]
• Elise notes that listeners curious about TED's curation can find more at TED.com/curationguidelines.
Podcast production team and sign-off[16:31]
• She says TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective and that the talk was fact-checked by the TED Research Team.
• She credits producers and editors Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, and Tansika Sangmarnivong, and notes that the episode was mixed by Lucy Little, with additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Balarezo.
• Elise signs off by saying she'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea and thanks listeners for listening.

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Unexpected change often unlocks new capabilities that are invisible from your current vantage point, so when life shifts, look for how you might grow rather than only what you're losing.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What is one recent or current change in your life where you've focused mostly on loss rather than on potential new abilities?
  • • How could you deliberately practice or experiment, the way Christine Ha did in her kitchen, to uncover new skills this change might be nudging you toward?
  • • What small challenge could you set for yourself this week that uses your current disruption as a training ground to expand what you're capable of?
2

Humans chronically underestimate how much they will change in the future, so your present fears about how you'll cope are based on an outdated version of who you'll actually be.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When you look back over the last five to ten years, in what ways have you changed more than you would have predicted at the time?
  • • How might remembering your past adaptability change the way you're thinking about a looming or ongoing life transition?
  • • What new habits or mindsets could you adopt now to better prepare the future version of you who will face the consequences of today's changes?
3

Letting go of the need for cognitive closure-clear, definitive answers-can transform painful uncertainty into a more spacious, exploratory relationship with life.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in your life are you most urgently seeking a tidy explanation or sense of closure that may not be available right now?
  • • How might your day-to-day experience change if you treated this area less like a problem to solve and more like a landscape to explore, as Florence Williams did?
  • • What is one concrete way you could practice tolerating not knowing the full story this week, while still taking care of yourself?
4

Anchoring your identity in your underlying "why"-the needs and values that energize you-rather than in specific roles or labels makes you more resilient when circumstances change.

Reflection Questions:

  • • If you suddenly lost a defining role in your life (job, relationship, talent), what deeper motive or value would you most miss expressing?
  • • How could you start expressing that core "why" through alternate activities or roles, as Maya did by shifting from musician to cognitive scientist and podcaster?
  • • What step could you take this month to invest more in the motivations that light you up, rather than in any single identity label?
5

Reframing painful experiences with deliberate questions about capability, values, and identity can help you loosen rigid expectations and see more possibilities, even amid grief or uncertainty.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which of the three questions-about capabilities, values, or identity-feels most relevant to a challenge you're currently facing?
  • • How might your interpretation of this situation shift if you revisited it weekly through that question, tracking what changes inside you over time?
  • • What is one belief about who you must be (for example, "mom," "expert," "provider") that you could gently loosen to create more freedom in how you move forward?
6

Shifting from a hyper goal-oriented mindset to a more discovery-oriented one allows you to experience more joy and beauty along the way, even when you don't reach clear endpoints.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In which area of your life do you treat progress purely as hitting milestones or summits, rather than noticing the experience along the path?
  • • How could you redesign one routine activity-like a walk, a project, or a conversation-to emphasize curiosity and presence instead of just outcomes?
  • • What is one existing goal where you could consciously relax the timeline or end-state and instead commit to exploring what unfolds as you engage with it?

Episode Summary - Notes by Charlie

TED Talks Daily Book Club: Why change is so scary - and how to unlock its potential | Maya Shankar (re-release)
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