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TED Talks Daily

How to unlock your flirting superpowers | Francesca Hogi

with Francesca Hoagie

Published November 14, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Host Elise Hu introduces a TED talk by love coach Francesca Hoagie, who reframes flirting from a manipulative game into a practice of making others feel seen, special, and acknowledged. Drawing on her experience as a matchmaker and dating coach, Hoagie shares how presence, enthusiasm, and three simple flirting styles-attentiveness, compliments, and playfulness-can deepen connection, support dating, and rekindle chemistry in existing relationships. She also addresses common fears about flirting and offers practical guidance on how to flirt in a respectful, responsible way.

Topics Covered

Relationships Attraction and mate selection Communication skills Confidence Nonverbal communication Personal Development Dating expectations Social bonding Social etiquette Perspective shift

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Quick Takeaways

  • Francesca Hoagie redefines flirting as words and actions intended to make another person feel seen, special, and acknowledged, rather than a manipulative or shallow game.
  • She argues that flirting can solve many common dating issues by giving people more agency over connection and helping both singles and partners spark or maintain chemistry.
  • Presence and enthusiasm are foundational to good flirting, and can be communicated through body language, eye contact, and genuine positive energy.
  • Three accessible flirting styles-attentiveness/curiosity, sincere and specific compliments, and playful interaction-are available to anyone, including introverts.
  • Responsible flirting requires reading the room, respecting boundaries, avoiding objectifying or backhanded comments, and being willing to tolerate some awkwardness.

Podcast Notes

Show introduction and context for the talk

Host introduces TED Talks Daily and the episode topic

Elise Hu describes TED Talks Daily as bringing new ideas to spark curiosity every day[2:39]
• She identifies herself as the host, Elise Hu
Framing question: Do you know how to flirt?[2:49]
• The host sets up the topic by asking whether the listener knows how to flirt
Introduction of love coach Francesca Hoagie[2:52]
• Elise Hu calls Francesca a love coach and says she invites us to rethink everything we know about flirting
Reframing flirting as genuine human connection[3:03]
• The host contrasts common assumptions of flirting as a shallow game or manipulative tactic with Francesca's view of it as a genuine act of human connection
Drawing on a decade of experience helping people find love[3:05]
• Elise notes Francesca has a decade of experience helping people find love and that she reframes flirting as a superpower that can be cultivated

Redefining flirting and challenging its reputation

Audience reaction to being called a flirt

Opening question about being labeled a flirt[3:27]
• Francesca asks how the audience would feel if she called them a flirt, suggesting possible reactions like flattered, defensive, or insulted

Critique of traditional dictionary definition of flirting

Outdated dictionary definition[3:31]
• She quotes the definition of flirting as behaving as though attracted or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intent
Implication of that definition[3:31]
• She summarizes that this definition basically means wasting someone's time and toying with their emotions

Proposing a new definition of flirting

Her preferred definition of flirting[3:31]
• Francesca defines flirting as words and actions intended to make another person feel seen, special, and acknowledged
• She emphasizes that all three elements-seen, special, and acknowledged-are part of her definition

Francesca's background and how she became a flirting enthusiast

Professional experience in love and relationships

Her years of experience helping people fall in love[4:04]
• Francesca says she has spent the last 12-plus years helping people fall in love and create lasting relationships
Roles as matchmaker and coach[4:13]
• She explains she first worked as a matchmaker and, for the last decade, has been coaching people to be their own matchmakers

Why flirting matters in dating outcomes

Dating problems solved by flirting[4:24]
• Francesca claims that many dating problems can be solved with flirting
Practical examples of flirting as a solution[4:24]
• She suggests that if you can't get a date, you should flirt more
• She adds that if you always like them more than they like you, you should date the ones who flirt back
Flirting as agency in human connection[4:36]
• Francesca says flirting gives you more agency over human connection
Benefits for single and partnered people[4:43]
• She explains that if you're single, flirting helps you connect and fall in love
• She adds that if you're partnered, flirting helps reignite or maintain the spark of chemistry that brought you together
Flirting as a multi-purpose superpower[4:57]
• Francesca describes flirting as a multi-purpose, customizable superpower

Dispelling myths about confidence and pickup artistry

Pop culture image of flirting[5:07]
• She notes that popular culture often shows super-confident, sweet-talking styles of flirting
You don't have to be the most confident person to flirt well[5:09]
• Francesca states that in real life, you don't need to be the most confident person in the room to be a good flirt
Clarifying what she is not advocating[5:26]
• She acknowledges that some people associate flirtatiousness with pickup artists who are creepy or insincere
• She explicitly says that this is not what she is talking about or advocating
Reiterating her definition versus objectification[5:27]
• Francesca contrasts making someone feel seen, special, and acknowledged with making them feel objectified, creeped out, or potentially unsafe
Examples of what not to do[5:30]
• She advises people to refrain from commenting on a stranger's body parts or demanding that they smile

Addressing introverts and their advantages in flirting

Introverts don't need to be extroverted to flirt well[5:59]
• Francesca tells the audience they don't have to be extroverted to be a magnet for connection
Introverts' secret advantage[5:59]
• She says that introverts have a secret advantage because their efforts at being more open feel more genuinely inspired by another person and therefore special
Advice for nervous people[6:11]
• Francesca suggests that if you're nervous about talking to strangers, you should take a few deep breaths, focus on the other person, and do it anyway

Her personal attitude toward being called a flirt

Calling someone a flirt as a compliment[6:23]
• She says that if she calls someone a flirt, she means it as a compliment
Use of playful nonverbal cues[6:26]
• Francesca jokingly mentions adding eyebrows or a wink when calling someone a flirt

Francesca's personal journey with romance and learning to date

Early obsession with romance versus career choice

Childhood fascination with romance[6:46]
• Francesca says that since she was a little girl, she has been obsessed with romance
Irony of becoming a corporate lawyer[6:48]
• She jokes that logically, this led her to grow up to be a corporate lawyer and sarcastically calls that "very romantic"

Recognizing she had no idea what she was doing in romance

Problem as a young lawyer pursuing romantic dreams[6:55]
• As a young lawyer eager to live out her romantic dreams, she realized she had no idea what she was doing regarding romance
Not being taught how to date[7:07]
• Francesca notes that no one had ever taught her how to date, so she decided to teach herself

Experimenting with online dating

Joining Match.com and initial dating strategy[7:11]
• She went on Match.com, prayed that no one she knew saw her profile, and went on as many dates as she could
Early results: first dates but few second dates[7:25]
• Francesca says it went okay at first: she succeeded in getting first dates, but they were just okay and weren't turning into second dates
Recognizing room for improvement[7:33]
• She figured she couldn't be the least dateable person in New York City but admitted there was room for improvement

Shifting from small talk to genuine curiosity

Moving away from boring small talk[7:35]
• Instead of boring small talk, she started asking her dates questions out of genuine curiosity
Prior focus on "right answers" replaced by learning who they are[7:43]
• She stopped looking for the right answers to her questions and decided instead to find out who her dates were, what excited them, and what they cared about
Becoming more vulnerable, playful, and authentic[7:52]
• Francesca reports that she became more vulnerable and playful and stopped holding back her personality

Results of becoming a flirt

Increase in desire for second dates[7:25]
• Before long, more often than not, her dates began wanting to see her again
Connecting dating success to flirting[9:07]
• She concludes she was getting better at dating because she was becoming a flirt

Understanding fears, nuances, and boundaries of flirting

Common fears associated with flirting

Range of fears[8:10]
• Francesca notes that flirting brings up fears about rejection, leading someone on, vulnerability, and more

Different layers and purposes of flirting

Multiple layers and styles[8:22]
• She says there are many layers of flirting and different styles of flirting
Common purpose: conveying romantic or sexual desire[8:25]
• She acknowledges that one common purpose of flirting is to actively convey romantic or sexual desire

Flirting is not inherently a come-on or promise

Clarifying what flirting does not necessarily mean[8:40]
• Francesca emphasizes that flirting is not inherently a come-on, a declaration of desire, or a promise of anything beyond the moment's interaction

Skills needed for confident flirting

Components of confidence with flirting[8:40]
• She says confidence with flirting comes from knowing yourself, knowing your intentions, reading the room, discerning other people's reactions, and adapting accordingly
Accepting awkwardness and uncertainty[8:56]
• Francesca acknowledges that sometimes flirting will be awkward or embarrassing and that there's no way to avoid all the uncertainty of human connection

Invitation to experiment with flirting with minimal discomfort

Encouragement to experience flirting's power[9:00]
• She invites listeners to experience the power of flirting for themselves with minimal "ick"

Foundational elements of successful flirting: presence and enthusiasm

Presence as a foundation

Definition of presence in flirting[9:15]
• Francesca defines presence as being in the moment with another person without being distracted by thoughts or surroundings
Practical tip: deep breaths for grounding[9:24]
• She suggests taking deep breaths to ground yourself in real time, especially if you're feeling nervous
Using body language to communicate openness[9:31]
• Francesca notes that you can silently but powerfully communicate openness to connection through body language
Keeping phones down and eyes up[9:39]
• She advises keeping phones down and eyes up to signal presence and openness

Enthusiasm as a foundation

Effect of enthusiasm on others[9:43]
• Francesca says that by being enthusiastic, you can leave other people feeling good about having interacted with you
Power of a genuine smile[9:52]
• She explains that a genuine smile can make someone smile for the rest of the day
Unspoken appreciation in brief moments[9:56]
• She adds that unspoken appreciation for a shared moment of connection, no matter how brief, can often be felt
Becoming a more magnetic version of yourself[10:07]
• Francesca encourages leaning into being the version of yourself who leaves others with a smile and noticing how much more magnetic you become

Three simple flirting styles to experiment with

Overview of the three flirting styles

Attentiveness/curiosity, compliments, playfulness[10:19]
• Francesca introduces three simple flirting styles: attentiveness or curiosity, compliments, and playfulness

Flirting style 1: Attentiveness or curiosity

Her personal favorite style[10:19]
• She identifies attentiveness or curiosity as her personal favorite flirting style
Inviting connection with interesting questions[10:24]
• This style involves inviting connection by asking questions that inspire interesting conversations
Example of a curiosity question[10:24]
• She offers an example question: if money was no object and you could do any job in the world for one year, what would you do?
Nonverbal engagement: eye contact and leaning in[10:38]
• Francesca advises looking the person in the eye, leaning in, and listening to their answer
Paying attention to details in stories and context[10:43]
• This style also means paying attention to the stories they share and noticing details, like a waiter forgetting their lemon wedge
Versatility of attentiveness style[10:12]
• She says attentiveness is perfect for any occasion, from a first date to being a thoughtful spouse

Flirting style 2: Compliments

Compliments as a "meet cute" generator[11:04]
• Francesca references the "meet cute" trope in movies where two love interests meet for the first time and says giving a compliment is one of the best ways to have your own meet cute moment
Using compliments to meet people in person[11:09]
• She encourages people who dream of meeting someone in person to lean into giving sincere and observant compliments

Distinguishing good compliments from problematic ones

Examples of weak or ambiguous compliments[11:29]
• She lists "you're hot" as unimaginative and too non-specific to be a good compliment
• She says "you're just my type" sounds like a compliment but centers your taste more than the other person
• She notes that backhanded comments like "how is someone who looks like you still single?" are not compliments
Guiding question before giving a compliment[12:26]
• Francesca advises asking yourself whether what you're about to say will make the person feel seen, special, and acknowledged, or judged, objectified, and defensive
Reminder to flirt responsibly[12:20]
• She explicitly tells the audience to "flirt responsibly"

How to give effective compliments

Making compliments specific and sincere[12:26]
• Francesca recommends increasing the effectiveness of compliments by making them specific and sincere
Examples of better compliments[12:26]
• She gives examples like "you have a great sense of style" or "your eyes are so lovely"
Outcomes of complimenting: conversation or confidence boost[12:42]
• She notes that a compliment might start a longer conversation or simply give someone a confidence boost, and says either outcome is a win

Flirting style 3: Playfulness

Playfulness can take many forms[12:52]
• Francesca says playfulness can look like anything and mentions sending over a drink with a wink or making a corny but respectful joke
Example of a corny but respectful joke[12:54]
• She offers a sample line: "I'm sorry, I was listening, but I'm just mesmerized by your radiance"
Nonverbal playfulness with eyebrows[13:07]
• She jokes that if all else fails, you can use your eyebrows, while reminding listeners to read the room because results will vary

Nuance, courage, and practice in flirting

Need for nuance and courage[13:20]
• Francesca says nuance and a dash of courage are required to flirt well
Value of practice[13:24]
• She notes that practice prepares you to rise to the occasion

Conclusion: Flirting as an accessible superpower

Simplicity and power of the three styles

Attentiveness, compliments, and playfulness are simple yet powerful[13:28]
• Francesca emphasizes that attentiveness, compliments, and playfulness are not complicated actions
• She asserts that these behaviors can spark and sustain connection over time
Flirting as a true superpower[13:40]
• She concludes that the ability of flirting to spark and sustain connection is a true superpower we can all tap into

TED closing credits and production information

Identification of event and curation link

Talk location and event[14:05]
• The host states that this is Francesca Hoagie at TED Next 2025
TED curation guidelines link[13:58]
• Listeners are invited to learn about TED's curation at ted.com/curationguidelines

Production team credits

TED Talks Daily as part of TED Audio Collective[14:05]
• Elise Hu notes that TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective
Fact-checking and production team[14:08]
• She mentions the talk was fact-checked by the TED Research Team and produced and edited by Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Greene, Lucy Little, and Tansika Sangmarnivong
Mixing and additional support[14:21]
• The episode was mixed by Lucy Little, with additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Balarezo
Closing promise of future episodes[14:13]
• Elise Hu says she'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea and thanks listeners for listening

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Redefining flirting as making others feel seen, special, and acknowledged transforms it from a manipulative game into a tool for genuine human connection.

Reflection Questions:

  • • How do I currently think about flirting, and how might that change if I adopt the definition of making others feel seen, special, and acknowledged?
  • • In what situations could reframing flirting this way help me feel less awkward and more authentic when I interact with others?
  • • What is one upcoming interaction where I can intentionally focus on helping the other person feel seen and acknowledged rather than trying to impress them?
2

Presence and enthusiasm are foundational to meaningful connection, and small signals-eye contact, open body language, a genuine smile-can have an outsized impact on how others feel.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When I interact with people, what are the main distractions that pull me out of the moment and weaken my presence?
  • • How might intentionally using eye contact, relaxed posture, and genuine smiles shift the quality of my conversations this week?
  • • What simple grounding practice (like taking a few deep breaths) can I adopt before social interactions to show up more present and enthusiastic?
3

Curiosity-driven conversations-asking thoughtful questions and truly listening-create deeper rapport than relying on small talk or searching for "right answers."

Reflection Questions:

  • • What kinds of questions do I usually ask in new conversations, and do they genuinely reveal who the other person is and what they care about?
  • • How could I replace some of my habitual small-talk questions with more open, imaginative ones that invite people to share their passions?
  • • In my next three social interactions, what is one specific curiosity question I can prepare and use to learn something meaningful about the other person?
4

Effective compliments are specific, sincere, and centered on the other person's qualities, while vague, self-centered, or backhanded remarks can make people feel objectified or defensive.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When I give compliments, do they tend to be generic or do they highlight something truly specific about the other person?
  • • How would my relationships change if I made a habit of noticing and verbalizing one sincere, specific appreciation each day?
  • • What is one relationship in my life where I could start practicing better compliments, and what might I say the next time I see that person?
5

Playfulness and a willingness to tolerate some awkwardness are crucial for building chemistry; flirting well requires nuance, courage, and practice rather than perfection.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What fears about awkwardness or rejection currently stop me from being more playful or expressive in my interactions?
  • • How might treating flirting and connection-building as a skill to practice-rather than something I must already be perfect at-change my behavior?
  • • What is one low-stakes situation this week where I can experiment with a small, playful comment or gesture and then reflect on how it felt?

Episode Summary - Notes by Harper

How to unlock your flirting superpowers | Francesca Hogi
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