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TED Talks Daily

3 simple ways to build stronger relationships at work | Alyssa Birnbaum

with Alyssa Birnbaum

Published October 1, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Organizational psychologist Alyssa Birnbaum explains how high-quality connections at work significantly influence engagement, burnout, and well-being, especially in remote and hybrid environments. Drawing on her research and personal experiences, she shows that even a single high-quality interaction can boost engagement and that video conversations can foster connection similarly to in-person meetings. She then offers three concrete practices-expanding dialogue, finding overlap, and showing genuine care-and emphasizes the responsibility of leaders to intentionally create space for meaningful connection at work.

Topics Covered

Relationships Workplace dynamics Communication skills Burnout Social isolation Remote work and hybrid work Leadership and management Social bonding Mental health Personal Development

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • High-quality connections at work are a major driver of engagement and can counter burnout and disconnection.
  • The number or length of interactions matters less than whether at least one of them feels genuinely high-quality.
  • Video conversations with cameras on can foster connections comparable to in-person meetings, while audio-only interactions tend to be weaker.
  • Burned-out employees struggle more to create or participate in high-quality connections because burnout leads to withdrawal.
  • You can deepen everyday interactions by asking and answering questions more expansively rather than sticking to surface-level small talk.
  • Finding points of overlap and commonality helps people feel they belong and strengthens workplace bonds.
  • Showing full attention and care-rather than multitasking-signals appreciation and builds trust.
  • Leaders set the tone for connection and must intentionally create time, structures, and listening systems to help remote and hybrid teams connect.

Podcast Notes

Podcast introduction and framing of the topic

Host introduces TED Talks Daily and herself

Elise Hu identifies the show as TED Talks Daily, focused on bringing new ideas to spark curiosity every day[1:57]
She introduces herself as the host, Elise Hu[2:05]

Framing of modern work expectations

Elise contrasts common workplace advice that emphasizes output, efficiency, and skills[2:10]
She notes that people are often taught to prioritize being efficient and having specific skills over learning to communicate and interact effectively[2:13]

Introduction of guest and main idea

Elise introduces organizational psychologist Alyssa Birnbaum[2:20]
She says Alyssa shares research on the profound impact of high-quality workplace connections[2:27]
Elise previews that Alyssa will explain how paying attention to positive relationships can change people, their well-being, and productivity[2:31]

Alyssa's early career story and realization about relationships

First performance review experience

Alyssa recalls having stomach flutters before her first performance review in her first job out of college[2:39]
She describes herself as over-eager to perform and says she was "grinding"[2:53]
She worked around the clock, spent hours perfecting PowerPoints, took meticulous notes, and never missed deadlines[3:01]
She felt blindsided when she received her actual performance review[3:08]

Feedback on relationships versus output

Her boss told her she needed to work on connecting better with clients and building relationships with them[3:13]
She learned that apparently nobody knew anything about her[3:21]
She was confused that building relationships with clients was what the company cared about when she had been focused on quality work[3:30]
She admits she did not undergo an immediate transformation into a great connector[3:35]
Instead, she fumbled for a few years, unsure what to do[3:44]

Context of remote clients and age differences

Alyssa explains that her clients were remote most of the time, so she was not physically working with them[3:48]
She also notes she did not know how to relate to them because they were much younger than she was[3:51]

Shift into research on burnout, engagement, and connection

From personal experience to academic research

Years later, as she pursued her PhD, Alyssa describes the saying "research is me-search"[3:57]
Her initial research focus was burnout and work engagement because she knew what burnout felt like[4:06]
She had assumed burnout was simply the result of having too much work and feeling depleted by workload[4:20]

Discovering the role of community and connection in burnout

Her research revealed that many factors contribute to burnout, not just workload[4:24]
She highlights community and connection as an important factor in burnout[4:27]
People can be burned out because they feel disrespected, unsupported, and disconnected from colleagues[4:31]
This finding stood out to her because she had always focused on work output and revenue-producing activities[4:41]

Influence of schooling on her focus on output

She connects her output focus to years of schooling where she was rewarded with good grades for effort and hard work[4:51]
She contrasts that with the reality that workplaces are full of "flesh and bone" people[4:59]
She says people want to feel connected and do their best work when they feel fully engaged[5:07]
She adds that people work best when they feel their work truly matters and is part of something bigger than themselves[5:07]

Impact of the pandemic and rise of loneliness

Pandemic-driven shift to remote work

When the pandemic struck, offices around the globe closed[5:15]
Alyssa and her colleagues began studying the transition to remote work[5:21]
They examined remote work-life balance and what it was like to be in this new remote space[5:27]

Loneliness becoming central

She says this period is where she really began to see the effect of connections[5:31]
Loneliness came front and center as a major issue[5:36]
She notes that beyond fear of getting sick or juggling childcare, isolation hit people deeply[5:39]
People lost casual interactions like chatting when walking into the office[5:48]

Loneliness predating the pandemic

A deeper research dive showed loneliness had been rising before the pandemic[5:57]
She cites the U.S. Surgeon General, stating that nearly 50% of U.S. adults experienced loneliness pre-pandemic[6:01]
She notes that this number continues to rise[6:09]

Research on high-quality connections at work

Shift in research focus to workplace connections

Alyssa began to wonder more about the effects of connections in the context of work[6:12]
She was especially interested in how connections impacted people in remote interactions and whether remote work stifled connection[6:17]

Influence of Dr. Jane Dutton and definition of high-quality connections

For her dissertation, Alyssa focused on research on high-quality connections at work initially spearheaded by Dr. Jane Dutton[6:26]
She invites listeners to recall a recent positive connection with someone[6:40]
• She says it could be with a friend, colleague, or someone met for the first time, and its length does not matter
She describes characteristics of such a connection: feeling more open, feeling mutual care, and mutual connection[6:54]
She notes that after such an interaction, people feel more energized and uplifted[6:56]
She clarifies the interaction need not be happy; it can be about something difficult and raw but still leave people feeling more bound together[7:01]
She labels this type of interaction as a high-quality connection[7:13]

Research question on connections and engagement

Alyssa was curious whether having higher-quality connections throughout the day led to higher engagement at the end of the day[7:13]
She found that higher-quality connections did lead to higher engagement[7:13]
She discovered that the number of interactions or their duration did not matter for this effect[7:26]
• Whether someone spent the entire day in multiple high-quality interactions or had just one high-quality connection, they tended to feel more engaged

Research on interaction modes (in-person, video, audio)

She wanted to know whether people needed to be in-person and face-to-face to have deep, meaningful connections[7:49]
She notes that previous researchers suggested in-person interaction is needed for deep connections[7:57]
She asked participants how they interacted: in-person face-to-face, video conferencing with camera on, or audio only[8:03]
• She defines audio as phone calls or video conferencing with the camera off
She found no difference between in-person interactions and video conferencing with the camera on in terms of connection quality[8:21]
She concludes that chatting face-to-face or via video conferencing with visual contact allows similar connection quality[8:30]
Only audio interactions produced lower-quality connections[8:37]

Burnout's impact on ability to connect

A third, unexpected finding was the effect of burnout on connection[8:46]
People who were burned out had a tremendous difficulty engaging in quality connections[8:49]
She explains that this makes sense because burned-out people tend to withdraw[9:00]
In contrast, connecting requires effort and engagement[9:00]
Thus, burned-out individuals struggled to even make high-quality connections[9:09]

Implications of research and differences for in-person vs remote workers

Importance of high-quality connections for engagement

Alyssa summarizes that her research shows high-quality connections are very important for engagement[9:12]

Statistic comparing in-person and remote/hybrid workers

She cites a recent study from mckinseyandlenin.org[9:18]
According to that study, about 60% of in-person workers experienced connectivity[9:25]
Fewer than 20% of remote and hybrid workers experienced connectivity[9:30]

Question of how to build connections, especially remotely

She asks how people can build connections in a remote environment or in general[9:39]
She frames her advice as what she would have told her 22-year-old self who was fumbling to make connections[9:48]

Three practices to build stronger relationships: expand, overlap, and care

Practice 1: Expand - aiming for more expansive dialogue

Alyssa defines expanding as aiming for more expansive dialogue that moves beyond polite greetings[9:57]
Expansive dialogue helps dig beneath the surface in conversations[9:59]
She identifies two ways to expand: asking expansive, open-ended questions and answering questions expansively[10:12]

Asking expansive, open-ended questions

Open-ended questions encourage others to open up and share more about themselves[10:12]
She uses the example of talking to a child coming home from school[10:22]
• If you ask a child "How was your day?" the likely answer is brief, such as "fine" or "yeah, sure"
• If you ask "What was the most exciting, fun, or boring thing about your day?" you are more likely to get a better answer
She parallels this with asking colleagues "How was your weekend?" which may not yield a great response[10:47]
She suggests asking "What was the highlight of your weekend?" and then probing deeper[10:53]
She recommends asking for more detail to encourage deeper sharing[10:57]

Answering questions expansively

Answering expansively means opening up more and sharing more about yourself[10:58]
It also gives the other person an opportunity to share more in return[11:08]
She gives an example of being on a remote Zoom call where someone casually asks about the weather[11:13]
• A minimal answer would be simply saying "yeah, it's pretty cold," which is what the other person expects
• An expansive answer she offers is: "Well, my neighbors were making fun of me this morning when I was walking my dog wearing my big puffer jacket when it was in the mid-50s. Is it cold by you?"
She explains that this more detailed answer gives the other person more insight into her life[11:52]
By adding detail, she encourages the other person to open up and share more about their own situation[11:55]

Practice 2: Overlap - finding things in common

Importance of commonalities for belonging

Alyssa defines overlap as finding things in common with others[11:57]
She notes that humans like to feel they belong, and having things in common helps people bond[12:05]

Challenging assumptions about life stage and similarity

When she was younger, she thought being in the same life stage was required to have things in common[12:11]
She now says this is not true[12:16]
She lists examples of potential overlaps: both being cat people, both loving country music, both having gone gorilla trekking in Uganda, or both being sick and tired of hearing about politics on the news[12:28]

Using questions and visual cues to find overlap

She acknowledges it may take time to uncover commonalities[12:30]
She suggests that asking questions and using visual cues, even via a video screen, can help find overlaps[12:33]
She proposes using one's own background as a way for others to learn about you and find commonalities[12:48]

Using your remote background as a conversation starter

She tells remote workers to think of their background as a conversation tool[12:52]
You can display travel photos, pictures of pets, artwork, or books you love[13:00]
She notes that anything that prompts conversation and engagement can help people find things in common and bond[13:07]

Practice 3: Care - showing genuine appreciation and attention

Demonstrating care through attention

Alyssa calls caring one of the most important practices[13:34]
She defines it as showing that you truly care about and appreciate the person you are conversing with[13:15]
She warns that if you are on your phone or scrolling on your computer while someone is talking, it signals that your screen is more important than the conversation[13:34]

Signals of genuine engagement

On the flip side, listening attentively, nodding, and asking related questions signal care[13:42]
Laughing at their jokes, nodding, and taking notes are additional indicators of full engagement[13:50]
She says these behaviors signal that you appreciate and care about the other person[13:52]
Such interactions energize people, boost their self-esteem, and make them feel closer to you[14:01]

Summary of the three practices

She summarizes the three practices as expand, overlap, and care[14:03]
She reiterates that these can help build stronger connections with others[14:12]

Authenticity and the difficulty of truly caring

Necessity of authenticity for these practices to work

Alyssa stresses that none of the three practices are effective unless they are done authentically[14:17]
She says authenticity is the hardest part for most people[14:23]

How people detect inauthentic behavior

She observes that people notice when someone is nodding but clearly not listening[14:28]
People also notice when someone compliments them but clearly does not mean it[14:32]
She notes that people can tell when someone asks questions but does not care about the answers[14:47]
She warns that others will notice if you are doing these same things back to them[14:38]
She emphasizes that you have to dig deep and truly figure out how to care, not just treat connection as a checklist[14:47]

Role of leaders in fostering connection, especially for remote teams

Leaders set the tone for connection

Alyssa states that leaders have an additional responsibility because they set the tone[14:51]
If leaders signal that they do not care about connecting with others, employees are likely to follow that example[15:00]
If leaders expand, overlap, and care in an authentic way, it shows that connection is important and encourages team members to follow[15:04]

Extra responsibilities for leaders of remote teams

Leaders with remote team members have additional responsibility because employees lack casual in-person chats[15:15]
Remote employees miss informal interactions like chats when entering the office or lunches with coworkers[15:24]
Leaders need a better pulse on their team and must be more intentional about setting time for people to connect[15:29]

Beyond just using video: building in time and structures for connection

She says having video conferences with the camera on is a great first step but not enough[15:40]
Leaders need to build in time to connect intentionally[15:43]
She suggests holding a few minutes at the beginning of meetings for chit-chat or questions to learn more about each other[15:49]
She recommends virtual lunches, either with the leader and team members together or team members meeting among themselves[15:59]

Using employee listening strategies and feedback

She proposes employing some kind of employee listening strategy to understand what employees are truly feeling[16:01]
She lists questions leaders should explore: Are employees burned out? Do they feel valued? Do they feel heard?[16:12]
She says acting on what leaders hear shows they are truly listening and trying to implement feedback[16:20]
She suggests creating polls and using chat channels to learn about employees' sense of humor, personalities, and preferences[16:24]
She describes this as a way to use available tools to connect better[16:33]
When possible, she recommends in-person meetings from time to time to help solidify relationships[16:38]

Core elements of leader action for remote connection

She summarizes that leaders should find time and space for people to connect[16:47]
Leaders should use some form of employee listening strategy to gather and act on continuous feedback[16:53]
Leaders should be intentional with their time together with employees[16:58]

Conclusion: Work, stress, and the call to connect more

Time spent at work and its impact

Alyssa states that the average person spends about a third of their life at work[17:01]
She notes that for many people, work is a prolonged source of stress and strain[17:07]
She asserts that "we can do better" regarding the work experience[17:17]

Final call to action

She encourages everyone to do their part to connect a little more and engage a little more[17:12]
Her goal is to help make work "truly work for us" through better connections[17:17]
She ends her talk by thanking the audience[17:01]

Host outro and contextual details about the talk

Event and location information

Elise Hu identifies the speaker as Alyssa Birnbaum[17:22]
She says the talk was delivered at TEDxClaremount Graduate University in California in 2024[17:30]

Mention of TED curation guidelines and credits

Elise mentions that listeners can learn more about TED's curation at ted.com slash curation guidelines[17:37]
She says TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective[17:41]
She notes that the talk was fact-checked by the TED Research Team[17:44]
She lists production and editing by team members Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, and Tonsika Sungmarnivong[17:52]
She says the episode was mixed by Christopher Faisy-Bogan[17:54]
She acknowledges additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Balarezo[17:58]
Elise signs off by saying she will be back tomorrow with a fresh idea and thanks listeners for listening[18:02]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

High-quality connections at work significantly increase engagement and counter feelings of burnout and loneliness, even if you only have one such interaction in a day.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which interactions in my typical workday leave me feeling more energized or uplifted, and what makes them different?
  • • How might prioritizing one meaningful connection each day change how engaged I feel at work over the next month?
  • • What specific time or context tomorrow can I intentionally use to cultivate a higher-quality interaction with someone I work with?
2

You can deepen everyday conversations by asking and answering questions more expansively, moving beyond generic small talk to invite real sharing.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When do I tend to rely on closed or generic questions like "How was your day?" instead of asking something more open and specific?
  • • How could shifting one routine question I ask (e.g., about weekends or meetings) to an open-ended version improve my relationships at work?
  • • What is one upcoming conversation where I will deliberately give a more detailed, personal answer instead of a short, expected response?
3

Actively looking for and signalling overlap-shared interests, experiences, or preferences-helps people feel they belong and builds stronger bonds.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What do colleagues already know about my interests or background that could serve as a starting point for finding more common ground?
  • • How might intentionally noticing and commenting on small similarities with others change the atmosphere on my team?
  • • What is one concrete change I can make to my work environment (physical or virtual) this week to make it easier for others to see what we might have in common?
4

Showing undivided attention and genuine care-rather than multitasking or only half-listening-communicates appreciation and strengthens trust.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In which types of conversations do I most often find myself checking my phone or multitasking instead of giving full attention?
  • • How would my colleagues' experience of working with me change if I consistently listened attentively, asked follow-up questions, and responded thoughtfully?
  • • What is one habit I can implement (such as closing my laptop lid or silencing notifications) to signal full presence in my next important conversation?
5

Leaders must intentionally create time, structures, and feedback channels for connection, especially with remote and hybrid teams who lack casual in-person interactions.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my current team routines is there (or is there not) dedicated space for people to connect as humans rather than just transact on tasks?
  • • How could using brief check-ins, virtual social moments, or simple polls help me better understand how my team is really feeling?
  • • What specific structural change-a recurring agenda item, a new ritual, or a feedback channel-can I pilot in the next two weeks to foster stronger connection on my team?

Episode Summary - Notes by Micah

3 simple ways to build stronger relationships at work | Alyssa Birnbaum
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