Get Your Weekly Digest

Receive the best podcast summaries and insights delivered to your inbox every week.

We respect your privacy. Unsubscribe anytime.

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Jay's Must-Listens: Marriage Isn't About Finding "The One" (5 Truths Every Couple Needs to Hear Before Marriage!)

with Heather Pinkett Smith, Sadia Khan, Laurie Gottlieb

Published October 22, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Jay Shetty curates conversations with Heather Pinkett Smith, relationship coach Sadia Khan, and psychotherapist Laurie Gottlieb to explore what truly sustains long-term relationships and marriage. They discuss marriage as a spiritual path of growth, the role of self-control and emotional regulation in preventing infidelity, and the importance of honest conversations about marriage, children, money, and in-laws. The episode emphasizes redefining partnership on your own terms, setting boundaries, and creating emotional safety instead of chasing romantic fantasies alone.

Topics Covered

Marriage Relationships Romantic relationships Infidelity Communication skills Emotional intelligence Impulse control Boundaries Dating expectations Self-esteem in relationships

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • Emotional resilience, not chemistry or romance, is presented as the true foundation of a lasting marriage.
  • Heather Pinkett Smith describes marriage as a spiritual and emotional growth path where partners act as mirrors, forcing each other to confront ego, immature patterns, and unrealistic romantic fantasies.
  • Sadia Khan highlights how often men are cheated on but stay silent, stressing that self-control in sex, money, and habits is essential for men to be trustworthy long-term partners.
  • Cheating is framed as starting with emotional distance and overlooked red flags rather than a single physical act, making early attention to behavior and boundaries crucial.
  • Laurie Gottlieb argues that if you cannot openly discuss marriage, money, kids, and the future before a proposal, you are not ready to marry that person.
  • Having a baby to fix a struggling relationship usually intensifies problems, creating competition over who suffers more rather than collaboration.
  • In-law problems are described as couple problems; the partner whose parent is involved must lovingly set boundaries to protect the relationship.
  • Many people lack an emotional vocabulary, so partners need to create a safe, nonjudgmental space and gently model feeling language instead of demanding disclosure.
  • Strong relationships are portrayed as something you build with honesty, discipline, and recommitment as people change, not something you simply find.
  • The episode normalizes non-traditional relationship structures as long as there is clear, honest agreement between the people involved.

Podcast Notes

Introduction: Emotional resilience as the foundation of marriage

Jay frames the episode and his experience with relationship experts

Jay notes he has interviewed leading experts on marriage, romance, chemistry, compatibility, therapists working with hundreds of clients, and public figures who have shared their experiences[1:38]
He says listeners will hear from these voices in the episode and encourages them to stick around[1:54]

Reframing what builds a lasting marriage

Jay contrasts the common belief that lasting marriage starts with romance or chemistry with his view that it begins with emotional resilience[2:12]
He cites that nearly half of marriages in the U.S. still end in divorce and says the primary reason is breakdowns in trust and communication rather than lack of love[2:18]
He frames the episode as exploring why people cheat and why they stay, why "forever" is a practice rather than a promise, and how redefining love may help save it[2:41]

Setting up Heather Pinkett Smith's perspective

Jay introduces Heather Pinkett Smith as someone who explains how marriage is not a fixed identity but a spiritual evolution[2:58]
He says she shares about separation, reconciliation, and how childhood patterns shape adult love[3:05]
Jay highlights a study that 67% of couples report being less satisfied in marriage after having children unless they intentionally work to reconnect[3:35]
He underlines the idea that you do not need a perfect partner, but a partner willing to grow with you through change and messiness[3:43]

Segment 1: Heather Pinkett Smith on marriage as spiritual evolution and unconditional love

Redefining marriage and life partnership

Heather says she and her husband view their marriage as the cornerstone of family, but they are both coming up with different definitions and are still figuring it out[3:52]
She describes deep healing taking place in their relationship and says that is ultimately what it is about[4:05]
Heather frames marriage as being about growth, specifically emotional and spiritual maturity[4:17]
She mentions a spiritual bond in their marriage and that they have tried their best to get away from one another but ultimately do not want to[4:32]
She emphasizes that they are defining their marriage in a way that works for them rather than worrying about what others think[4:43]
Heather describes their relationship as a life partnership that they are continuously trying to understand day by day[4:57]

Seeing each other as mirrors

Jay notes that both Heather and her husband have said they feel like mirrors for each other and that she knows him to his core and vice versa[5:11]
Heather agrees and says they know everything there is to know about each other, while acknowledging they are still learning[5:17]
She says people often ask why they do not get divorced, and that divorcing would feel like quitting[5:35]
Heather believes no one else could embrace both the best and worst of her and hold space for her the way her husband does, and that she offers the same for him[5:39]
She contrasts their dynamic with the common mindset that a partner is there to please you, saying their relationship is different from that expectation[5:57]
Heather reiterates that her husband is the greatest mirror she could have, making it impossible for either of them to avoid facing themselves[6:06]
She describes their journey as a deep clearing where they must look at themselves in ways that can be uncomfortable[6:27]
Heather admits it might be easier to find someone else and have a more pleasing, comfortable relationship, but questions whether that would help her become the person she wants to be[6:38]
She clarifies she is not prescribing this path for everyone but that she personally longs for a more spiritually and emotionally sound understanding of unconditional love[6:59]

Unconditional love and the difficulty of marriage

Heather says she has learned that you cannot truly understand unconditional love in ideal circumstances alone[7:17]
She defines unconditional love as loving yourself and another person with full acceptance of both the divine and human aspects, the perfect and deeply flawed parts[7:27]
Heather comments that marriage is not for the faint-hearted and is a demanding path[7:52]
She describes marriage, for her, as a holy path toward accessing a divine aspect of herself in partnership with her husband, who she believes wants the same[8:09]
Heather recalls that she was 23 when she decided to commit to her husband and that they were "babies" trying to figure things out[8:43]
She explains that young relationships often create immature patterns that become entrenched and influence how partners relate to each other[8:49]
Heather notes that dissolving these immature dynamics requires self-inventory, patience, and courage because it involves dismantling romantic ideas and fantasies about relationships and marriage[9:14]
Despite the difficulty, she finds this process freeing because it reveals more of what is true about love and partnership[9:56]
Heather admits she once believed her partner was there to make her happy and that their relationship had a problem when he did not, which she sees as a common belief[10:03]

Jay's idea of purification versus pleasure in relationships

Jay references his book and says many people think pleasure is the ultimate gift of a relationship, whereas he believes purification is the deeper gift[10:19]
He describes how his partner Radhi serves as a mirror that calls out his ego better than anyone else and does so kindly, allowing each of them to grow[10:49]
Jay says that because of this mirroring, he strives to become better for himself, not just for his partner[11:00]
He notes that a person you live with and who sees you in all situations knows you deeply, and that this awareness can be used to track personal growth[11:10]
Jay acknowledges that seeing relationships as purifying is counterintuitive to the pleasure-seeking mindset most people are conditioned to pursue[11:42]

Romantic love versus higher forms of love

Heather says many people believe romantic love is the highest form of love, but she views it as just one aspect of a higher form[12:03]
She believes that within the highest form of love you can have romantic love, but romantic love alone is not the highest[12:20]
Heather is exploring unconditional love, friendship, and familial love, and sees particular beauty when two people agree to orient their relationship around a love for a source greater than themselves[12:55]
She describes partners jointly connecting their relationship to that same greater source as a powerful foundation that can better hold difficulties and challenges than romantic love alone[13:25]
Heather suggests that relying solely on romantic love contributes to power struggles, divorce, and general relationship strife[13:40]

Allowing space for imperfection and growth in partners

She stresses that it takes work to not be offended when someone shows up imperfectly in a relationship[13:55]
Heather says many people expect partners to come ready-made, knowing exactly how to love them from the moment they marry, without making room for growth[14:13]
She acknowledges that people will inevitably make mistakes and say or do foolish things, while distinguishing this from abuse, which she treats as a separate category[14:32]
For her, committed relationships, whether married or not, are about being committed to learning how to love oneself and the other person, and building the relationship from that commitment[14:46]
She calls this ongoing learning process the holy path of relating, while recognizing that not everyone desires that deeper spiritual orientation[15:10]

Maintaining friendship while letting go of earlier romantic ideals

When Jay asks how she let go of prior romantic ideals while preserving friendship, Heather says it depends on how people show up and that she and her husband are unwilling to give up on having each other in their lives[15:39]
She says they may experience disharmony, but the desire to remain in each other's lives motivates them to put in effort and transform what is not working[16:56]
Heather explains that they repeatedly choose to move one step closer to learning how to love, often starting with self-inventory and solitary reflection before returning to the conversation[17:00]
She describes going to a metaphorical corner to examine her own part, then coming back to acknowledge where she was mistaken or had a misunderstanding and sharing that first[17:36]
She notes that when one partner owns their part, the other often responds by acknowledging their own contribution, creating mutual responsibility[17:52]
Heather says there is an unspoken agreement between them that they want each other in their lives and want to have good times together, which keeps them willing to keep working[17:58]
She highlights her husband's sense of humor as helpful in pulling her out of a negative mood, although she often needs time alone before she is ready to talk[18:25]
Heather notes that she tends to process slowly and needs to work through thoughts before discussion, while her husband is usually ready to talk immediately[18:42]
She and Jay compare their dynamics with their partners, noting that one partner may prefer immediate depth while the other prefers humor or space[18:31]
Heather metaphorically describes herself as earth and her husband as sky, saying they are a typical yin and yang with strong chemistry that can also clash[19:09]
She acknowledges that when their energetic differences misalign, it can be very challenging, but she sees such moments as inevitable in relationships[19:33]

Non-traditional marriages and defining what works for you

Heather says that while aspects of traditional relating work, she does not know many marriages today that are fully traditional[20:00]
She observes that many couples are experimenting with different forms of marriage, such as being married but not living together or being married while having other partners[20:25]
Her core message is that people should figure out what works for them and that marriage is not a cookie-cutter formula[21:32]
Heather notes that some marriages are even for business purposes, emphasizing that as long as two people agree on their arrangement, outsiders should stay out of it[21:07]
She tells people not to treat her marriage as contagious and not to assume they should copy it; each partnership has the right to define itself[21:32]

Jay and Radhi's non-traditional arrangement as an example of agreements

Jay shares that he and his wife spend a lot of time apart because she likes to be with her family in London while he travels for work[21:42]
He explains they agreed early in their relationship that when he worked and traveled, she would often visit her family, which she loves[21:57]
Jay notes that their arrangement is abnormal in their communities, leading people to question why his wife is not always with him or whether everything is okay[22:09]
He says distance works for them because it makes them excited to see each other again and feels refreshing, while acknowledging that other couples may need different setups[22:29]
Jay emphasizes that what matters is having honest conversations and clear agreements between partners, even if those arrangements seem abnormal to others[22:43]

Clarifying misunderstandings about their "open" relationship

Heather notes that many people misunderstood talk of an open relationship and assumed it meant being free to be with whoever they wanted[23:24]
She clarifies that she and her husband had agreed not to be together at certain times while they were deciding whether to separate or divorce, sometimes reconciling and sometimes breaking up again[23:37]
Heather explains that because they did not share all of their back-and-forth publicly, outsiders lacked context and misinterpreted their situation[23:53]
She says people will now have to accept that their marriage is not traditional in the sense that they are married but living in a non-standard arrangement[23:59]
Heather concludes that as she continues on her path and her husband figures out his, they have decided to hold space for each other[24:24]

Segment 2: Sadia Khan on infidelity, self-control, and male development

Hidden prevalence of men being cheated on and the role of emotional regulation

Jay introduces relationship coach Sadia Khan and says she shares that more men are being cheated on than people realize, but they mostly stay silent[27:31]
He cites a CDC study indicating that men are more than 50% less likely to seek counseling than women, making them more likely to internalize shame[27:58]
Jay concludes that emotional reaction may feel good in the moment but does not solve anything, and that emotional regulation is what protects relationships[28:07]
He contrasts fireworks and passion, which fade, with stability, self-control, and discipline, which build real trust and relationship strength[28:24]
Jay adds that relationships create blueprints for kids, family, and future, and that partner choice sets the tone for life[28:34]
He states that cheating begins in emotional distance, not in the bedroom, and that the signs must be spotted early or they will be repaired too late[28:46]

Sadia's most common client issues

Sadia says that for men, a major issue is suffering from infidelity, with many cases where women are cheating on men[29:03]
She notes her number one client profile is a man who has just been cheated on by a woman, which surprised her in terms of prevalence[29:10]
Sadia observes that social discourse often focuses on men cheating, and that women cheating is rarely discussed[29:23]
She says men rarely talk to each other about being cheated on due to embarrassment or shame, whereas women are more likely to confide in friends[29:28]
Sadia adds that another large client group is women who cannot get men to commit, and men who are perceived as not being masculine enough[29:45]

Difference between a woman a man dates and a woman he marries

In response to Jay's question, Sadia says the key difference between dating and marriage partners is stability and responsibility[29:55]
She describes a man who is very social, drinks a lot, and has an exciting, busy life as fine for dating because he can offer fun vacations and nice restaurants[30:09]
For marriage, she argues that self-control is crucial across sexual behavior, food, and money, because lack of self-control leads to anxiety for the partner[30:21]
Sadia warns that a man without self-control will lose self-respect and develop low self-esteem, making him unreliable in decision-making[30:27]
She says men with strong self-control inspire trust in their decisions, enabling families and shared goals, which is not possible with impulsive men[30:51]

Jay on the lack of education in self-control for men

Jay reflects that men do not learn self-control anywhere and says that if he had not lived as a monk, he would not have developed sense control[31:08]
He mentions that monastic life taught him to accept the food he was given and to stay focused and determined on the path, gaining tools of discipline and organization[31:28]
Jay suggests he does not know where else he would have learned those mental mastery skills[31:30]

Cultural messaging versus the need for male self-discipline

Sadia argues that men cannot excel without self-control and calls the opposite an impossibility[31:56]
Jay says men are told to have zero sexual discipline, be with as many women as possible, and indulge in food, money, and alcohol without restraint[31:46]
He notes cultural slogans that encourage impulsive behavior, such as ideas about only living once and constantly indulging desires[32:29]
Jay believes society is pushing men away from self-control toward hedonism, which he describes as a slow suicide leading to depression[32:26]
Sadia says that only when a man can control himself will he start to respect himself and then be able to excel[32:20]
She warns that if a woman chooses a man without self-control, she will spend her life trying to control him and will feel like a mother to a child she never wanted to adopt[33:38]

Partner selection, attraction, and consequences for children

Sadia says that a man who is the life of the party and a big spender may attract many women, but often attracts partners seeking a fast-paced life rather than deep investment[33:18]
She emphasizes sexual discipline for men because, in her view, women often have more autonomy over whether to keep a pregnancy, whereas men may have less control over that outcome[34:09]
Sadia warns that if a man has a child with the wrong person or in a dysfunctional relationship, he risks creating a generation of broken children[35:01]
She cites examples of men who ruined their families because they could not control themselves sexually or could not have honest conversations about missing intimacy, choosing to cheat instead[34:49]
She ranks sexual discipline, followed by financial discipline, as crucial priorities for men[35:42]

Responsibility for cheating and the importance of red flags and truth

Jay notes that Sadia has said that if someone cheats on you, it is partly your fault, and asks her to explain[36:00]
Sadia says most cheaters show clear warning signs early on, such as being in another relationship when you meet them or getting caught in early lies[36:19]
She argues that people often ignore these early red flags and thus distance themselves from truth, entering denial[36:26]
Sadia states she has no problem with someone cheating being acknowledged, but insists people must maintain a radical relationship with the truth[36:26]
She notes that some people who are mistresses are content because they know the truth about the situation and are not deceived[37:25]
Sadia warns that when you repeatedly miss red flags such as long periods without intimacy or unexplained absences, you create an environment for cheaters to flourish[36:08]
She advises setting boundaries based on problematic behavior rather than waiting for definitive proof, since cheaters often insist on being caught red-handed[37:35]
Jay mentions gaslighting, and Sadia confirms it is common, sharing that even as a therapist she has occasionally believed convincing cheaters over their anxious partners[36:38]
Sadia says that while cheaters lie with their words, the uneasy feeling a partner gets is usually true, and they should pay attention to that gut instinct[36:47]
She argues partners should not need red-handed evidence; ongoing behavior that makes them feel disrespected or unsafe is enough to set boundaries[37:43]

Staying attuned to your partner and recommitting through change

Sadia encourages people to know their partners so well that it would be hard for them to live a double life without changes being noticed[37:34]
She suggests paying close attention to how a partner moves, speaks, kisses, and behaves so shifts in the relationship rhythm can be spotted early[37:40]
Jay adds that every relationship has a rhythm and pattern, and when that pattern is off, partners should check in[37:50]
He notes that as life circumstances change, couples need to recommit and adjust to new ways of living, referencing different phases of his relationship with Radhi[38:16]

Segment 3: Laurie Gottlieb on premarital communication, children, and in-laws

Talking about marriage and proposals before they happen

Jay says listeners often ask about how much pressure is appropriate when a partner has not proposed despite a long relationship[41:07]
Laurie Gottlieb calls it insane that many people do not talk about whether they want to get married before a proposal[41:56]
She argues that proposals should not be surprises in terms of intent, and both people should already know they are on the same page and that the answer will be yes[41:45]
Laurie shares that many couples come to her for premarital therapy, not because of problems but to discuss family blending, in-laws, money, children, careers, and sex[42:48]
She says premarital therapy helps couples practice talking about challenging topics even if they do not yet have all the answers[42:48]
Laurie challenges the stigma that being in therapy before marriage means something is wrong, asserting that it actually means something is right[43:28]
She states that if you do not feel you can ask your partner where the relationship is heading, you are not ready to marry that person[43:44]
Laurie recommends directly asking questions like "Where are we?" and sharing how long you have been together and what you are feeling, then listening to the partner's response[43:30]
She explains that a partner might say they want to marry you but are not ready yet and offer a timeline, giving you the choice to wait or not[43:44]
Alternatively, they may reveal uncertainty about marriage, which is crucial information for deciding your next steps[43:40]
Laurie contrasts this honest approach with scheming with friends about dropping hints or overanalyzing behavior, which she says is not the basis for a healthy marriage[44:31]

Ultimatums and the fear of seeming needy

Jay notes that people sometimes avoid regular check-ins and end up issuing ultimatums like "marry me or we're over" once their unspoken expectations build up[44:59]
He observes that people fear seeming naggy, high maintenance, needy, or desperate, even while internally feeling those emotions[45:31]
Laurie suggests that regular, open conversations about desires and timelines can prevent the need for ultimatums[45:31]

Why having a baby will not fix a bad relationship

Jay says many of his friends have been told that having a baby will save a struggling relationship, an idea he has never understood[46:19]
Laurie calls this terrible advice and explains that if a relationship is not working, adding another relationship with a new child will only divide attention further[45:49]
She states that couples will have less attention for each other and more for the baby, while facing increased need for teamwork and problem-solving[46:01]
Laurie describes this faulty logic as a sunk-cost mindset, where couples feel they have been together too long to start over and seek a distraction instead of addressing core issues[46:13]
She insists that if a couple is not solid, they should not bring another person into the family[46:59]
Laurie introduces the concept of the "pain Olympics," where new parents compete over who has it harder and use that as emotional currency in the relationship[47:20]
She explains that one partner may say they had the baby all day, while the other claims they worked all day, and they keep score on suffering instead of collaborating[47:31]
This competition over pain becomes their relationship dynamic, with each partner feeling the other "owes" them, which undermines connection[47:48]

A better question about timing for children

Jay suggests that instead of asking whether it is the right time to have children, couples should ask whether they understand and are ready for how their lives will change[47:55]
He emphasizes discussing logistics such as who will take responsibility for what, and how each partner will feel if they perceive an imbalance[49:06]
Laurie agrees that having realistic conversations beforehand about roles, responsibilities, and expectations is practical and necessary[48:42]

In-law conflicts as couple issues and setting boundaries

Jay says many friends struggle with in-laws who are either too involved or not involved enough, with intense expectations about time, holidays, and control[48:38]
He notes that the core pain often comes from feeling that a partner's parents are too demanding and that the partner will not stand up to them or understand the impact[49:11]
Laurie says she has received thousands of letters about in-laws and that in-law issues are actually couple issues[49:37]
She asserts that the partner whose parent is causing the tension must speak to that parent on behalf of the couple[49:45]
If a partner dismisses their spouse's struggle by saying it is not that bad, the spouse will feel unsupported and equate that with the parent's behavior[49:06]
Laurie clarifies that it is not about taking sides, but about prioritizing the couple relationship and protecting it from interference[50:20]
She suggests language such as telling a parent that certain comments make the spouse feel inadequate and asking them not to say those things, while affirming satisfaction with the marriage[50:31]

Helping a partner who struggles to stand up to their parents

Jay observes that many people, often men in his examples, feel torn between not wanting to disappoint their mother and not wanting to disappoint their wife[51:20]
He says some partners feel guilt-tripped by parents who remind them of lifelong devotion compared to a newer spouse[51:26]
Laurie advises reframing boundary-setting as a loving act toward parents, not a rejection[51:42]
She suggests telling parents that both partners want to see them more and enjoy visits, but certain behaviors make time together less enjoyable[52:11]
Laurie recommends explaining that if patterns do not change, the couple will see the parents less, not because they do not love them but because visits become too difficult[52:24]
She emphasizes that setting boundaries in a loving way is intended to make it possible to spend more quality time together[52:50]
Laurie says that if the couple did not care about seeing the parents, they would not bother having this honest conversation[53:17]
She reiterates that the partner is not choosing between spouse and parent, but choosing a pattern that allows everyone to be together more harmoniously[53:30]

Encouraging emotionally closed partners to open up

Jay says many people tell him they cannot get their partners to open up, whether in therapy or in private, and feel the partner lacks emotional vocabulary[54:43]
Laurie explains that people who struggle to open up often grew up without space for their feelings, where emotions were minimized or dismissed[54:58]
• She gives examples such as a child expressing sadness and being taken for ice cream instead of having the sadness acknowledged, or being told they are overreacting when angry
Laurie introduces the idea of "feeling felt", meaning having your emotions received and held compassionately by another person[55:41]
She says asking someone to "open up" directly can feel like pressure, and that they need to know their feelings will be met with connection, not invalidation[55:39]
Laurie suggests modeling emotional sharing by talking about your own feelings and then gently asking if the partner had similar experiences[55:39]
She mentions tools like a feelings wheel, noting that many people only know basic emotions like happy, sad, and mad, without nuance[56:49]
• Laurie compares basic emotions to primary colors and more nuanced feelings to blended colors such as different shades of orange
She advises helping a partner identify feelings more specifically, such as frustration, vulnerability, or anxiety, and to notice where they feel those emotions in their body[55:39]
Laurie compares learning to express emotions to learning a new language in a new city: partners will not be fluent right away and will only pick up words gradually[57:58]
Jay agrees, noting that if you arrive in a country and are expected to speak the language immediately, you may feel too pressured to even try[57:58]

Conclusion: Love as practice, truth, and building rather than finding

Jay's closing reflections on love and relationships

Jay says love is not supposed to be easy and does not survive on perfection but on truth[58:31]
He argues that love deepens when people stop performing and start practicing, implying ongoing effort and honesty[58:39]
Jay states that strong relationships are not found but built, through intentional work and recommitment[58:41]
He advises that whether someone is healing from betrayal, navigating change, or building a new relationship, they should always start with honesty[58:49]
Jay reassures listeners that it is okay if their relationships look different because every relationship does, and what matters is that it is real[59:18]

Invitation to related conversation with Michelle Obama

Jay mentions that listeners who enjoyed this episode may like his conversation with Michelle Obama about staying with a partner as they change and doing four kinds of check-ins in a relationship[59:04]
He notes that in that conversation they also discuss handling relationships under stress, and shares a brief quote about how new technology and phones affect children[59:18]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Treat marriage and long-term partnership as a path of growth and purification rather than a vehicle for constant pleasure or personal happiness on your terms.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in your current or past relationships have you expected your partner to make you happy instead of seeing challenges as opportunities to grow?
  • • How might your reactions change if you saw uncomfortable moments with your partner as part of a "purification" process rather than signs that the relationship is failing?
  • • What is one recurring conflict you could reframe this week as a chance to practice emotional or spiritual maturity instead of chasing immediate comfort?
2

Your partner can be a powerful mirror for your ego and blind spots if you allow their feedback to land without defensiveness and use it for self-inventory.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What kinds of feedback from your partner do you tend to dismiss, minimize, or get defensive about, and what might they be mirroring back to you?
  • • How could you create a simple ritual (like journaling after arguments) to examine your part in recurring conflicts before returning to discuss them?
  • • What is one specific behavior you could change this week based on something your partner has been trying to tell you for a while?
3

Self-control in sex, money, habits, and emotions is a core ingredient of trustworthiness and long-term stability, especially for men, in intimate relationships.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In which areas of your life (sexual behavior, spending, food, substances, or emotional outbursts) do you most lack self-control, and how might that affect someone who depends on you?
  • • How would your partner's sense of safety and trust change if you tightened your discipline in just one high-impact area over the next three months?
  • • What is one concrete boundary or routine you could implement this week to increase your self-discipline in a way that supports the kind of partner or parent you want to be?
4

Honest, early conversations about marriage, money, children, and in-laws prevent ultimatums and resentment by aligning expectations before commitments deepen.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which major life topics (commitment timelines, finances, kids, family boundaries) have you avoided discussing directly with your partner so far?
  • • How might your relationship trajectory change if you scheduled a calm, structured conversation about one of these topics in the next month?
  • • What is one clear, open-ended question you could ask your partner this week about the future that would give you more clarity and reduce guesswork or anxiety?
5

Creating a safe emotional environment and expanding your shared feeling vocabulary are essential for partners who struggle to open up or were never taught how to express emotions.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When your partner tentatively shares a feeling, how do you usually respond, and does that response make it more or less likely they will share again?
  • • How could you model more nuanced emotional language yourself (beyond just happy, sad, or angry) so your partner has a template to follow?
  • • What is one small change you could make in your next meaningful conversation-such as asking where in the body they feel something-that would make emotional sharing feel less intimidating?

Episode Summary - Notes by Jordan

Jay's Must-Listens: Marriage Isn't About Finding "The One" (5 Truths Every Couple Needs to Hear Before Marriage!)
0:00 0:00