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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Jay & Radhi Talk About the Pressure and Expectations Around Parenthood

Published November 1, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

The hosts discuss the intense social, biological, financial, and emotional pressures surrounding the decision to have children, especially for women. They explore why the common question "When are you having kids?" can be insensitive given issues like miscarriage, infertility, financial strain, and differing life goals. The conversation emphasizes defining your own timeline, recognizing many valid ways to express maternal and paternal energy, and rejecting the idea that parenthood is the only path to a meaningful or successful life.

Topics Covered

Parenting and child development Relationships Marriage Personal Development Miscarriage and pregnancy loss IVF and fertility Mental health Budgeting Identity

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • The question "When are you having kids?" assumes desire and ability to have children and can be deeply triggering for people dealing with infertility, miscarriage, or financial stress.
  • Women often feel an internal and external countdown due to the biological clock, cultural messages about ideal ages for motherhood, and social comparison.
  • Statistics show people are having children later, and financial concerns are a major reason many delay or reconsider parenthood.
  • Parenthood should not be used as a strategy to fix a struggling relationship, as it typically adds pressure and can worsen existing problems.
  • There are many valid ways to express maternal or paternal energy beyond biological parenthood, such as mentoring, community work, or adopting.
  • Trying to time life perfectly around having children is impossible; it's more useful to honestly assess how ready you are for the lifestyle changes involved.
  • Women in particular face career and identity challenges around maternity leave, expectations to "do it all," and decisions about prioritizing caregiving vs. work.
  • Fulfillment and happiness do not depend on following a single script around marriage and children; different family structures and life choices can all be meaningful.

Podcast Notes

Introduction: Social pressure and expectations around having children

Common comments and questions about kids

Hosts reference polarized messages about motherhood and not wanting kids[1:55]
• Clips/phrases like "I do not want kids," "Being a mom is the best thing," and "Do not have kids" illustrate how extreme and conflicting societal narratives can be
Frequent question: "When are you going to have kids?"[2:11]
• They note that this question is routinely asked and carries implied judgment and expectation.

Cultural and family pressure, especially in London

Experiences of being asked about kids in London[2:40]
• One host says that when they are back in London they frequently hear, "When are you going to have kids?"
Pressure intensifies after age 30, especially from older relatives[3:02]
• They mention "aunties" as particularly eager to know about baby plans, highlighting a generational and cultural pattern.
Impact on friends who are single in their mid-30s[3:07]
• Friends in their mid to late 30s who are not in relationships feel scared about when they will have children.
• Ongoing questioning from others adds another layer of pressure to their existing worries.

Biological clock, aging, and the internal pressure on women

How biological realities shape women's experience

Women experience a real biological clock[3:48]
• One host explains that biologically, it is true that the older a woman gets, the harder it becomes to conceive.
• Women feel an internal ticking clock, whether they are sure they want children or not.
Messages received from a young age about ideal timing[4:05]
• Women are told from a young age that the ideal age to have children is in their 20s and that it gets harder after 30.
• They start noticing bodily changes and interpret them as signs that time is running out for "easy" conception.
Additional stress when not yet in a relationship[4:22]
• For women who are not in relationships, there is added pressure: find a partner and get pregnant within a short window.

Statistics on delayed parenthood and feeling alone

Rising age of first-time mothers[4:48]
• Host cites research that women born in 2007 are projected to have their first child by age 35, versus 31 for their mothers.
• Girls born in 2025 may not reach that milestone until age 30, showing a gradual upward trend in age at first birth.
Using statistics to combat feelings of isolation[5:10]
• Many individuals feel like everyone else already has kids and they are "left behind."
• Host points out that trends show many people are having children later, so feeling behind is often a misperception.
• Understanding that you are part of a broader trend can reduce personal pressure.

The problematic question: "When are you having kids?" and its assumptions

Why the question is insensitive and logically flawed

People rarely ask, "Do you want kids?"[6:11]
• One host notes that most people skip asking whether someone even wants children, jumping straight to "when."
Implicit assumptions embedded in the question[6:21]
• The question assumes that everyone wants kids, can have kids, and is excited about the prospect.
• They compare it to asking someone when they will start a business or leave a job, presuming desires that may not exist.
Awareness of miscarriage and infertility makes the question more problematic[6:58]
• They reference a statistic that about one in five women have miscarriages.
• Since most people know multiple women, it is highly likely someone in their circle has experienced a miscarriage.

Emotional impact of public speculation and online comments

Body comments and pregnancy speculation online

Example of social media comments about looking pregnant[7:27]
• One host shares that if she posts a video where her belly is slightly visible or she's bloated, people comment, "Oh my gosh, are you pregnant?"
• She personally is not offended by looking pregnant, but worries how such comments would affect someone struggling to conceive.
• Public speculation about pregnancy can trigger deep emotional pain for those facing fertility challenges.

Questioning the benefit of asking about someone's pregnancy plans

Asking "When are you having kids?" often has no upside[7:41]
• If someone is pregnant and hasn't told you, they likely don't want to tell you yet.
• If they are struggling to conceive, the question risks reopening wounds or intensifying anxiety.

Reconsidering the "right" time to have children and benefits of later parenthood

Health considerations vs. emotional and life readiness

Younger motherhood may be healthier physically, but not always mentally or practically[8:16]
• Host acknowledges that from a health perspective, it may be better to have children younger.
• However, she doubts that her younger self would have had the emotional space or stability to raise a child how she wanted.
Benefits cited by women who had children later[8:44]
• Women in their late 30s tell her they are glad they waited because they figured their lives out and are more financially and emotionally stable.
• They feel better able to spend time with their children and create the life they want for them.

Shifting personal expectations across life stages

Changing vision from having kids in 20s to re-evaluating in 30s[9:58]
• One host expected to have two children in her 20s and imagined herself as a young, stylish mom who gets fit after pregnancy.
• Her life changed dramatically, prompting deep self-discovery before feeling comfortable inviting another soul into her life.
• She wanted to be sure she could offer "the best" of herself to any child she might have.

Miscarriage, IVF, and why the question can be deeply painful

Realities of miscarriage and fertility treatments

How the question lands after miscarriage or failed IVF[10:01]
• If someone has just had a miscarriage, being asked "When are you having kids?" forces them to mask pain in public and then deal with the emotional fallout later.
• For those going through IVF that is not going well, the question can trigger strong emotional reactions.
Men are affected too as partners[10:27]
• The male host shares that male friends confide in him about their wives' struggles with IVF and miscarriage.
• These men are trying to support their partners while others keep asking intrusive questions, which adds pressure.

People who don't want kids end up in unwanted debates

Childfree by choice individuals feel pressured to justify themselves[10:12]
• Those who do not want children may get drawn into debates they never wanted, feeling compelled to convince others of their decision.

Better questions: preparing for lifestyle changes instead of perfect timing

Reframing parenthood decisions

"When" is the wrong question; focus on readiness for change[11:50]
• The host suggests replacing "When are you having kids?" with internal questions like "Do I know how my life will change?" and "Am I ready to embrace that change?"
• He notes you can never fully know how life will change, but you can anticipate basics like sleep, social life, and relationship shifts.
Statistics about relationship strain after childbirth[12:27]
• He cites statistics that many men feel unloved, like a second priority, and unthought about after their partner gives birth.
• Those same statistics show men are more likely to cheat when their partner is pregnant or has just given birth, correlating with feeling neglected.
Value of anticipating these shifts[12:54]
• If a man expects to drop lower on the priority list when a baby arrives, he is less likely to be shocked or resentful.
• Recognizing that a newborn rightly requires more attention helps frame the change as normal rather than as a lack of love.

Motherhood, identity, and alternative ways of "mothering"

Different experiences of men and women in the process

Women carry the child and experience the process differently[14:35]
• One host emphasizes men will never fully understand pregnancy because women carry the child for nine months.

Quote about motherhood not being the only way to mother

Motherhood can be expressed beyond having biological children[15:04]
• She reads a quote: "Motherhood is not the only way to mother. You can mother a movement, a garden, a dream, or a community."
• This resonated with the male host's earlier ambivalence about having biological children and his desire to help many people instead.

People who avoid having kids due to the state of the world

View that having children brings them into a painful world[15:41]
• She mentions meeting people who do not want children because they believe they are sparing them from suffering in a troubled world.
• They feel the current environment is not suitable for raising children.

Paternal energy, spiritual parenting, and fears about the modern world

Experiencing paternal energy without being a biological parent

Host feels he already expresses paternal energy in his work[16:03]
• He says he feels like a parent to lots of people through his work, even though he knows it's not the same as having a child.
• He cites spiritual teachers, including one named Radhanath Swami, as examples of people who do not have children yet "father" or "mother" many.

Reasons some people fear raising children today

Concerns about social media, mental health, and safety[16:39]
• Some people he knows are fearful about raising a child in a world with social media and its mental health challenges.
• They also worry about security, safety issues, and failing school systems.
Awareness of war and global instability[16:56]
• War and broader instability are cited as additional reasons some hesitate to have children.
Counterexamples: families thriving with different choices[17:34]
• He knows people raising "amazing kids" who may become future leaders or have positive impact in their communities.
• He mentions knowing a woman in her 20s with four kids who is ambitious and happy with her family setup.

Changing norms around age of parenthood and financial pressures

Perception of early vs. late parenthood

What counts as "early" changes over time[17:52]
• They note that having children in one's 20s is now seen on social media as "so young," whereas a few decades ago it was considered normal.
• They highlight that what is considered normal shifts roughly every 25 years, making "what everyone is doing" an unstable reference point.

Money as a major factor in delaying or avoiding parenthood

Statistics on financial concerns[19:13]
• Host cites that 36% of adults under 50 without kids say they are delaying parenthood because they don't think they can afford it.
• He adds that 66% of parents feel consumed by money worries, compared with 39% of non-parents.
Estimated cost of raising a child[19:19]
• He read that raising a child from age 0 to 18 can cost between $233,000 and $310,000, excluding college.
• Adding college tuition can mean another $30,000 to $200,000 depending on the institution.
How the question triggers financial insecurity[20:03]
• When someone who is already struggling financially is asked about having kids, it can trigger feelings of not being good enough or secure enough.
• Couples who want another child may worry they simply cannot afford it, making questions about more kids especially painful.

Cultural habits, over-sensitivity debates, and concluding there is no benefit to asking

Recognizing both cultural habit and real harm

Question often used as filler in conversation[20:41]
• One host observes that people may ask about kids because they don't know what else to ask after small talk about the weather.
• It's seen as a "natural" topic in some cultural settings, even if it's intrusive.
But most people have no practical stake in the answer[21:16]
• She argues that unless someone will actually be caring for the child or supporting the parents, they do not need to know when it will happen.
• If she wants someone to know, she will tell them herself; otherwise, the question is unnecessary.

Firm conclusion: there is no benefit to asking "When are you having children?"

Either they already know or you create anxiety[21:28]
• If the couple knows their plans, they would likely share them if they wanted to.
• If they don't know, the question only makes them more anxious or stressed.
Gender difference in how triggering the question is[23:05]
• Men often experience less direct pressure because male fertility typically lasts longer, so the question may not feel as triggering personally.

Societal scripts: parenthood as success and purpose vs. alternative narratives

Tracee Ellis Ross on rejecting societal scripts

Quote challenging the idea that life without kids is unworthy[28:01]
• They read Tracee Ellis Ross's statement that societal expectations about partnership and children undermined her joy until she realized those were others' ideas.
• She says she does not believe her life is unworthy because she doesn't have children or a partner and that she "mothers all over the place" through valued work and relationships.

Religious, evolutionary, and bodily arguments for procreation

Scriptural and evolutionary narratives emphasize procreation[28:00]
• They note that in many spiritual and religious paths (e.g., stories like Adam and Eve), men and women are presented as being made to procreate.
• Even from a purely biological standpoint, human bodies appear designed for reproduction and survival.
Tension between these narratives and modern childfree choices[28:32]
• The host finds it interesting and challenging that there is now a strong wave of people going against what religious and biological narratives present as our "essence."

Inner child work, unworthiness, and using children to fix pain

Feeling unqualified to parent due to personal healing work

Many feel like children themselves trying to raise children[28:04]
• They observe that people are increasingly aware of their inner child and ongoing healing, which can make them feel inadequate to parent.
• A common fear is, "I haven't even figured out my own stuff, how can I handle a child's needs?"

Belief that having a child can heal one's own past or fix a relationship

Single-parent backgrounds and desire to "break the cycle"[29:35]
• She shares that some friends raised by single mothers believe having a child will break the cycle and give the love they didn't receive.
Couples hoping a child will bridge gaps in their relationship[30:13]
• Many couples who struggle relationally decide that having children will bridge the gap and improve their partnership.

Why having a child rarely fixes a struggling relationship

Real outcomes for couples who followed this advice

Friends advised to have kids to save the relationship often divorced[31:24]
• He notes that friends who were told to have a child to fix their relationship often ended up divorcing after having the baby.
• In other cases, the relationship worsened due to added responsibilities, and men felt even less prioritized.

Distinguishing ties from genuine connection

A child creates a strong tie, not necessarily deeper intimacy[32:11]
• They point out that a child can bind two people together, similar to owning a house together, but that doesn't guarantee closer emotional connection.
• The emotional connection formed is often to the child, not automatically to the partner.
Burden on the child when used as a "bridge"[32:31]
• When a child is brought in to repair a relationship, they may end up stuck in the middle of conflict or an eventual separation.
• This adds trauma and complicates both parents' lives when they try to move on.

Accepting uncertainty and imperfection in marriage and parenting

Marriage involves unpredictable change

You can't fully predict how a partner will grow or struggle[33:26]
• He notes that when you marry someone, you don't know what traumas, mental health challenges, or life events may emerge over the next decade.
• Because of this, you can't design a perfect, risk-free timeline for having children.

Value of adaptability over perfectionism

Being flexible is better than trying to get everything in perfect order[34:08]
• He argues it's more important to be able to react, adapt, and be flexible than to try to orchestrate a flawless sequence of events.
You will never feel fully "worthy" or mistake-free as a parent[34:25]
• He suggests accepting that you'll never feel fully ready or perfect; some level of "messing up" is almost inevitable.
• Assuming you will make some mistakes but trying your best is healthier than aiming for zero harm and immobilizing yourself.
Bubble wrap metaphor for overprotection[34:47]
• They compare overprotecting a child to wrapping them in bubble wrap that ends up suffocating them.
• Trying to avoid all harm can paradoxically cause other forms of harm to both parent and child.

Women, work, and prioritization around early motherhood

Structural challenges for women in the workplace

Maternity leave and career slowdowns[35:32]
• They mention that women may have to take maternity leave, and not all companies offer strong support, leading to unpaid leave or stalled careers.
• Entrepreneurs may see their businesses slow, stop, or lose momentum while they focus on a newborn.

Personal decision to prioritize caregiving

Choosing to focus primarily on the child in early months/years[35:58]
• She says that if they have children, she would want to fully look after the child herself, with help mainly to support her.
• She doubts she could give full focus to raising a child and simultaneously maintain her current volume of work at the same level.
Reframing "sacrifice" as shifting priorities[37:01]
• She suggests seeing sacrifice less negatively and more as choosing different priorities in different life phases.
• During a season when a baby is the priority, some work goals may be paused or scaled back.

Using pregnancy as preparation time

Nine months as a planning window[35:55]
• She notes there are approximately nine months to plan finances, work adjustments, and physical self-care before the baby arrives.
Questioning the "do it all" narrative[37:06]
• While she believes women can do many things, she questions whether they should be expected to do everything at once, especially right after birth.
• She stresses realism in planning and mental preparation to avoid later depression from unmet overly-optimistic expectations.

Real stories of delayed motherhood and affirming personal timelines

Voices of women who waited to have children

Woman who had first child at 36[38:55]
• They summarize a woman named Viviana, who had her first child at 36 and said she didn't regret waiting; it felt right for her.
Woman who had first child at 38[38:55]
• Another woman, Molly, had her first child at 38 and felt it was irresponsible to consider a baby while she was still struggling with rent and college debt.

Affirmations for couples navigating pressure

Mantra for resisting external timelines[39:29]
• Host suggests repeating: "We have talked about it, and this is the timeline that works for us," as a grounding statement.
• He adds that they are building a life that is right for them, even if it doesn't match others' paths.

Conclusion: Many paths to fulfillment and redefining the "ideal" family

Rejecting box-ticking for society

Problems with living to meet societal expectations[39:47]
• He warns that if you live just to tick society's boxes, you risk letting yourself, society, and your future child down.

Multiple valid expressions of maternal and paternal energy

Examples of nontraditional parenting or caregiving roles[39:28]
• He mentions friends who have adopted children and are very happy.
• He cites monks who have no children but devote themselves to thousands of people.
• He also knows families with 2, 3, 4, or 5 children who are happy at various ages.
Happiness does not have a single template[40:26]
• He concludes that happiness has no fixed timeline, age, or specific family setup.

Challenging the "nuclear family" image

Advertising imagery vs. real diversity of families[40:25]
• He notes that the projected ideal in adverts and cereal boxes was often parents plus a boy and a girl, which became the "nuclear family" image.
• He argues that we should not cling to that single image, as fulfillment looks different for different people.

Personal reflections and appreciation between the hosts

Learning from each other's perspectives

Host expresses how much he learned from the conversation[41:02]
• He says she brought up many angles he hadn't thought of, especially regarding women's experiences and her friends who have had babies.

First episode energy and call to continue the dialogue

Acknowledging this as their first episode in a series[41:25]
• They reference this as the "first episode out" and lightly mention subscribing, liking, and sharing to hear more of these conversations.

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Instead of asking or answering "When are you having kids?", focus on whether and how you are prepared for the concrete lifestyle, emotional, and relational changes that parenthood brings.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What aspects of my current life-sleep, finances, relationship, mental health-would change most if a child arrived in the next year?
  • • How could I start stress-testing my routine now to see how I handle reduced freedom, more responsibility, or less sleep?
  • • What is one specific area (money, relationship, support network, health) I could strengthen in the next six months to feel more prepared for potential parenthood?
2

Statistics and trends can be used as tools to reduce shame and "I'm behind" thinking, reminding you that there are many normal timelines rather than a single correct life script.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life do I feel "behind" compared to others, and what objective data might show that my path is actually quite common?
  • • How would my decisions change if I stopped using friends' milestones or social media as the main benchmark for my own progress?
  • • What new metric or timeline could I adopt that reflects my values and realities instead of inherited societal expectations?
3

Creating a child rarely fixes pre-existing relationship problems; real connection comes from addressing issues directly, not adding more ties or responsibilities.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What current tensions in my relationship might I be hoping a big life change (like a baby, move, or new job) will magically solve?
  • • How could I open a conversation with my partner about strengthening our connection now, before layering on more responsibilities?
  • • What is one concrete step-therapy, a difficult conversation, setting boundaries-that I can take this month to address an underlying issue instead of distracting from it?
4

You will never feel perfectly healed or fully "ready" before taking on big roles; acknowledging your inevitable imperfections while committing to growth is more realistic and sustainable.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which standards of perfection (as a future parent, partner, or professional) are actually keeping me stuck from taking meaningful next steps?
  • • How can I build in regular check-ins or support systems so I can course-correct as I go instead of waiting to be flawless before starting?
  • • What is one area where I could accept being "good enough for now" while actively working to improve over time?
5

Maternal and paternal energy can be expressed in many forms-mentoring, caregiving, community work, or adoption-so your life's worth is not contingent on following a narrow nuclear-family template.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In what ways am I already nurturing, guiding, or supporting others, even if I don't have (or never have) biological children?
  • • How might my sense of purpose shift if I stopped treating marriage and biological parenthood as the only valid markers of a successful life?
  • • What specific role, project, or relationship could I lean into this year to channel my caring or leadership energy more intentionally?

Episode Summary - Notes by Quinn

Jay & Radhi Talk About the Pressure and Expectations Around Parenthood
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