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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Jay & Radhi Talk About Icks vs. Red Flags (How to ACTUALLY Know the Difference)

with Radha Divlukia

Published November 22, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Jay Shetty and Radha Divlukia have a light but probing conversation about "icks"-small, often irrational turn-offs in dating and relationships-and how they differ from more serious issues. They share humorous examples from friends, social media, and their own relationship, then contrast trivial quirks with fundamental behaviors like poor communication, arrogance, immaturity, negativity, and lack of accountability. Throughout, they emphasize not overvaluing minor icks while ignoring core character and compatibility, and discuss how attraction, insecurity, and expectations shape what people tolerate or reject.

Topics Covered

Relationships Romantic relationships Attraction and mate selection Communication skills Marriage Personal Development Boundaries Status and power dynamics Icks (dating turn-offs) Dating expectations

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Quick Takeaways

  • An "ick" is a sudden, often irrational turn-off that can kill attraction, but it is different from a serious relationship problem or value mismatch.
  • People frequently use icks as an easy excuse or scapegoat to end something they're not truly interested in, rather than admitting a lack of attraction.
  • Jay and Radha argue that icks should ideally become something you can laugh about or even find endearing, rather than deal-breakers.
  • Many so-called icks are superficial (like clothing choices or awkward behaviors), while fundamentals like hygiene, communication, and emotional maturity actually matter far more.
  • Attraction can chemically override your normal standards, making you tolerate or even like behaviors you usually dislike when you're obsessed with someone.
  • Women, according to research Jay cites, commonly list things like poor hygiene, arrogance, immaturity, and poor communication as top icks about men.
  • Men, in turn, commonly cite superficiality, mind games, entitlement, drama, and lack of accountability as major icks in women-though these are closer to red flags than quirks.
  • A practical test for a serious ick is asking yourself why it triggers you so much and whether you'd be okay if it never changes.

Podcast Notes

Introduction to the episode and concept of icks

Setting up the conversation

Jay welcomes listeners and introduces Radha as his favorite person in the world[2:47]
• He frames the episode as a casual conversation about topics couples and friends talk about on long drives, after work, or at dinner
Topic announcement: icks[3:10]
• They say today's topic is all about "icks" and joke about "good old icks"
Noting the newness of the term[3:22]
• Radha and Jay observe that the concept of icks existed when they were dating but the specific word "ick" wasn't used then

Defining what an ick is

Formal definition of an ick[3:22]
• Jay reads that an ick refers to a sudden turn-off or something that instantly kills attraction
• He notes that icks aren't always rational and can vary culturally and individually
• He mentions common patterns of icks show up in dating conversations, social media, and psychological observations

Radha's lifetime experience of icks

Radha says she's always felt icks[3:50]
• She says she appreciates that the feeling now has a name because she has felt icks her whole life
Playful exchange about past dating[3:53]
• Jay jokes that she never dated anyone apart from him when she refers to having icks while dating back in the day
Radha admits having icks about Jay[4:22]
• She says she's probably felt a few icks with him and that they've spoken about it before
• She clarifies that having icks doesn't mean you don't love someone-it can just mean you'd prefer they don't do certain things around you

Origin of the icks discussion and early examples

Car ride conversation that inspired the topic

Drake concert car ride story[4:30]
• Radha explains the topic came from a long car journey with her cousins returning from a Drake concert
• They started talking about icks in their own relationships and more generally
Reference to "guy with the ick list" on TikTok[4:46]
• Jay and Radha mention a TikTok creator called "guy with the list" who compiles icks that men and women say they have
• Radha calls him hilarious and brilliant and says he makes a really long list of these icks

Funny icks from friends and family

Cousin's ick about using a car indicator[5:05]
• Radha shares that one cousin finds it icky when her husband uses the car indicator
• She recalls the cousin's reasoning was it doesn't feel masculine enough
Another woman's ick about her husband crying[5:25]
• Radha recounts someone else telling her she finds it icky when her husband cries
• They both react that it's terrible and not nice, but also note the humor in such things being put on an ick list
Jay notes the meanness and depth behind some icks[5:35]
• Jay points out that there is a slightly mean side and depth to the fact that people get turned off so easily today
• He says some people won't go on a second date just because of an ick

Reading and reacting to humorous icks

List of exaggerated everyday icks

Examples of trivial physical-behavioral icks[5:47]
• They read an ick about someone running after a receipt that's blown away in the wind
• Another example: holding a limp umbrella in a strong wind
• They mention running with a backpack bouncing side to side as a particularly good ick
• They read one about someone struggling to get out of a beanbag chair for 12 seconds
• Another ick: calling a waiter over but the waiter walks right past them
More quick-fire icks[5:47]
• They reference icks like having allergies, which Radha calls rude to consider an ick
• Another ick: when a guy in the passenger seat grabs the bar because he's scared while the woman is driving
• They mention getting car sick as an ick some people list, and Radha says she gets car sick and finds that unfair
• They joke about no-show socks and call them "little panty liner socks" or "thong socks" and say they're awful

Jay's stance on how to treat icks

Icks as humorous, not deal-breakers[7:06]
• Jay says icks are fair but should be treated as funny things rather than reasons to be put off a partner
• He suggests an evolution where something starts as an ick but becomes endearing or cute over time
Radha's baby voice as an ick[7:25]
• Jay recalls that early in their dating, an ick for him was Radha using a baby voice with her mum and sister
• He describes being in a room where all three of them were doing this baby voice and feeling confused and uncomfortable
• Radha refuses to recreate the voice and says she only did it with her mum and sister and that she doesn't do it anymore
• Jay adds jokingly that she should be who she wants but asks her not to do that voice around him

Radha's icks about Jay

Being late as a major ick[8:07]
• Radha identifies Jay being late as a massive ick for her, saying you can't be late
• Jay jokes that he has been an ick her whole life because of his lateness
Skinny jeans as an ick[8:19]
• Radha calls skinny jeans a big ick and even looks at their videographer's jeans before saying it
• Jay notes that skinny jeans were once fashionable, illustrating that some icks are driven by changing trends
Icks about men's jewelry[8:32]
• Jay says a friend's sister has an ick about men who wear jewelry
• He uses this to question how seriously people should take icks

Evaluating icks and when they matter

How seriously should icks be taken?

Radha on taking icks with a pinch of salt[8:49]
• Radha says icks shouldn't be taken too seriously and should be handled lightly
• However, she notes that if there are too many icks, it may affect how attractive you find the person
Therapy vs tolerance for icks[8:58]
• Radha suggests that some icks, like not wanting a husband to cry, may indicate deeper issues requiring therapy
• For trivial things like flip-flops with socks, she advises giving leeway, such as choosing their shoes next time

Interactive game: ick or not?

Running through specific ick scenarios

Chewing with mouth open[9:31]
• Both agree chewing with your mouth open is an ick
Clapping when the plane lands[9:34]
• They decide that clapping when a plane lands is not an ick because it's appreciation for a safe landing
Not washing hands after bathroom[9:44]
• They call not washing hands after the bathroom an unquestionable ick and say it isn't subjective
Asking to split the bill[9:51]
• Radha says splitting the bill is not an ick for her because she likes being a self-sufficient woman
• Jay says that as a man he always wanted to pick up the bill when dating and for him it is an ick if a man asks to split it
Talking in a baby voice as an adult[10:08]
• They label a grown man talking in a baby voice as an absolute ick
Digital behavior icks: hashtags and astrology[10:17]
• They call using too many hashtags or emojis an ick
• Being overly obsessed with astrology and blaming everything on your sign (like being a Gemini) is described as a bit of an ick
Gym mirror selfies[10:34]
• Radha says taking photos after a hard workout is fine, but going to the gym only to take pictures in a cute outfit without working out is an ick
• She adds that when a man looks in the mirror more than she does, that's an ick
Poor grammar in texts[11:06]
• They agree that poor grammar in texts, like writing "your hot" instead of "you're hot", is bad and an ick
Performative behavior icks[11:12]
• They list air guitar, fake golf swings, and finger guns as icks
Long voice notes[11:25]
• Leaving voice notes over four minutes long is called a massive ick by Jay, who says he hates them
• Radha notes she and her friends do this, while Jay complains that such notes waste time with rambling intros
Other miscellaneous icks[12:23]
• Drinking cow's milk in a glass, or cow's milk at all, is called an ick
• Using phrases like "let that sink in" too seriously is labeled an ick
• Calling women "females" is mocked as if the man is a biology teacher and considered an ick
• Obsessing over a celebrity like you know them personally is called an ick, especially when friends refer to celebrities by first name without knowing them
• Referring to an ex as "crazy" with no context is mentioned; Jay is more okay with it than Radha, hinting at differing thresholds

Can you get over an ick and how to communicate about it?

Possibility of moving past icks

Do people get over icks?[12:35]
• They ask whether you can ever get over an ick, using Radha's baby voice as an example
• Radha suggests that the more you like someone, the more their icks can become cute
• She adds that some behaviors do have to stop if a partner repeatedly finds them icky

How to tell someone about an ick

Direct but kind communication[13:05]
• They role-play how to tell someone: for example, saying you like them but socks with sandals upset you because you care about fashion
• Radha suggests pairing criticism with a collaborative solution, like offering to go shoe shopping together and helping pick better shoes
Example from a TV show[13:34]
• Jay recalls a show (he names Adam Brody and Kristen Bell and calls it "Nobody Wants This") where a woman gets the ick because a man wears shorts with a blazer
• In the show, her ick spirals into thinking he's not the guy and almost breaking up, showing how an ick can be overblown
• He notes that when she eventually flags it to him, it illustrates the reality of confronting someone about an ick
What if the person says "this is who I am"?[14:04]
• They pose the question of what to do if, after you raise an ick, the other person insists it's just who they are
• Radha says whether you continue depends on how invested you are and whether the icks are so frequent that you feel icky every time you see them
• She says you can't be icked out every day and expect the relationship to work

Distinguishing icks from fundamental relationship issues

Everyone has icks vs what really matters

Everyone will have something that gives you the ick[14:40]
• Jay emphasizes that everyone will have something that could be an ick, but you're not "dating the ick"-you're dating the whole person
• He stresses that what matters is whether they respond, show up, call, and check in, not whether their backpack bounces when they run
• He suggests practical fixes for trivial icks, like giving them a different bag or tightening the backpack straps
Icks as excuses or scapegoats[15:12]
• Jay observes that people often use icks as a way to get out of something they already wanted to leave
• He calls icks an easy reason and a scapegoat that justifies not wanting to be with someone when the real issue is lack of attraction

Gender differences in the weight of icks

Jared Freed's observation[15:38]
• Jay cites Jared Freed from the "You Up" podcast, who says an ick would never stop a man from dating someone if he likes her
• According to that view, for women icks are taken much more seriously and can be dating deal-breakers
Discussion of hygiene vs icks[16:09]
• Radha questions whether something like bad breath wouldn't be an ick for a guy
• Jay answers that bad breath is beyond an ick and indicates bad hygiene, a basic issue you'd want everyone to address
Women potentially being pickier[16:23]
• Jay suggests women may be pickier about icks, while clarifying that some things on the list are more than mere quirks

Top icks women have about men and deeper traits behind them

Lack of hygiene or grooming

Hygiene as a major ick category[16:34]
• Jay reads that dirty nails, bad breath, and unkempt hair can instantly kill attraction for many women
• He notes that smelling bad or being generally unkempt ranks high in survey-based lists of icks

Overconfidence or cockiness

Arrogance vs confidence[16:56]
• Jay describes this ick as bragging, dominating conversations, or acting like a know-it-all, often seen as insecurity masked as arrogance
• Radha calls overconfidence and arrogance a good one to examine more deeply
Radha's definition of arrogance[17:13]
• She says arrogance is when you try to prove your worth by showing you are better than someone or something else
• She contrasts that with confidence, which she sees as quieter-bringing an energy that supports yourself without putting others down
• Radha says arrogance is about superiority, while confidence is carrying yourself with self-respect
• She notes you can hear and see the difference in how people talk, act, and treat others, especially on dates
• She adds that cockiness usually stems from insecurity and is not endearing or impressive

Immaturity or childish behavior

Examples of immaturity[18:22]
• Jay mentions playing too many video games, crude jokes, and being emotionally unavailable or avoidant as examples of childish behavior women find icky
Women attracted to men they can mother[18:02]
• Radha says some women, depending on their past trauma, may actually be attracted to babying a man-saving, looking after, or caring for someone immature
• She notes she's seen powerful women end up with partners they have to look after, essentially mothering them

Expectations of change in relationships

Different hopes men and women bring[18:33]
• Jay remarks that women often get into relationships hoping the man will change, while men often hope the woman will never change
• He points out the irony that what usually happens is that the man doesn't change and the woman does, the opposite of what each person wanted
Habits are unlikely to change[19:16]
• Jay warns that if you date a guy who plays video games heavily, he's not likely to stop simply because you get married
• He generalizes that if something is deeply conditioned and part of someone's life, it's usually less likely to change than more likely
Two key questions about serious icks[19:57]
• Jay suggests asking yourself why a particular behavior triggers you so much
• He adds you should also ask whether you're okay if this behavior never changes, since change is not guaranteed

Reframing icks vs security and fundamentals in relationships

Icks vs security and communication

Poor communication is not a trivial ick[25:00]
• Jay reads that poor communication-being vague, giving one-word replies, or ghosting-creates unreliability and emotional distance
• Radha argues this is less an ick and more a serious security issue in a relationship, because it leaves you confused about where you stand
• She defines an ick as something slightly silly with some humor, whereas unclear communication is a fundamental problem
Overvaluing icks, undervaluing fundamentals[26:15]
• Jay observes that people overvalue icks like a bouncing backpack and undervalue fundamentals like consistent communication
• He notes that someone might obsess over a partner's socks while dismissing the fact that another attractive person repeatedly doesn't reply or show up on time
• He calls out the mental habit of making excuses for serious bad behavior from people you're very attracted to

How attraction can override normal standards

Physiological changes when you're obsessed with someone[26:11]
• Radha says she read that when you're a bit obsessed with someone, your physiology and brain chemistry change
• In toxic, up-and-down relationships, even things you'd usually find absolutely grotesque can start to feel attractive or normal
• She gives examples like not smelling their bad breath anymore or getting used to their smell and manner of speaking
• She compares it to the idea that people dating someone others find obviously unappealing might literally be perceiving them differently, like a "shallow hal" effect
Personal example of shifting tolerance[26:51]
• Radha recalls that she disliked smoking growing up but started to think she liked the smell of smoke because she found a smoker at college attractive
• She says her mind shifted to liking the smell just from being around him, even though she actually despises smoking
• She mentions friends who hate alcohol or weed but feel more accepting of them when dating someone who drinks or smokes
• Jay notes that this is why choosing someone whose habits align with what you really want is important, because you'll be influenced by them even if you don't intend to be
• He adds that if she had stayed with the smoker, that lifestyle might have become hers over time

Top icks men have about women and seriousness of those traits

Common male icks about women

Overly superficial behavior[28:03]
• Jay cites that men commonly list talking only about appearances, name-dropping, and obsessing over social media and selfies as icks
• He says it's frustrating and Radha responds by saying she loves a good selfie
Playing mind games[27:35]
• Being intentionally vague, manipulative, or passive-aggressive is listed as an ick, but they both frame it as more of a fundamental issue
Entitlement and materialism[28:35]
• Expecting to be spoiled without reciprocation and judging people based on money, status, or possessions are described as common male icks
• Jay notes some men actually like this dynamic because it gives them an easy way to display status or prowess, though he personally doesn't like it
Drama and negativity[28:58]
• Being overly dramatic or constantly negative is another male ick Jay reads out
• Jay recalls struggling in past relationships where he dated people who were constantly dramatic about small things and he felt he had to guess their mood
• He calls it too much baggage for a teenager to feel responsible for regulating someone else's emotions
Lack of accountability[29:29]
• Jay lists blaming others for everything, never admitting you're wrong, and constantly playing the victim as another set of serious icks
• Radha reacts that these are all strong and quite serious, more like big issues than light icks

Reacting to social media "ick" content and dating advice

Watching "guy with the list" clips

Leaving events early to beat traffic[31:43]
• They play a clip of a woman complaining about people who leave events early just to beat traffic, calling it baffling
• Radha laughs and says "that's you" to Jay, noting he has that ick about leaving early, so the woman would have an ick about him
Men with iPads[31:46]
• They watch a clip saying if you're a man and have an iPad, especially an iPad mini, it's an ick and you should get a laptop or just use your phone
• Radha agrees that mini devices like small phones unlock a new ick for her
Screaming for your dog at the park[32:51]
• They view a clip where a woman says she met a cute guy at the dog park but lost attraction when he loudly screamed his dog's name repeatedly
• She describes just grabbing her dog and leaving after that, and Jay and Radha find it hilarious
• Radha comments "no wonder everyone's single" after hearing so many extreme icks

Dating advice about texting and morning messages

Morning texts as an ick in some advice[33:23]
• They watch a clip where a man calls "good morning sweetheart" texts the worst to send a girl, saying they're unmasculine and needy
• The clip advises that texting should only be used to set up dates and warns men against becoming a woman's pen pal through constant chatting
• Jay reacts that it's rough out there for guys, hearing such strict rules about what counts as an ick

Final takeaways about icks vs fundamentals

Core message on balancing icks and real issues

Know the difference between icks and fundamentals[33:41]
• Jay summarizes that the key is to distinguish between trivial icks and fundamental issues in a relationship
• He reiterates their earlier idea: don't overvalue icks while undervaluing core traits like reliability, communication, and emotional health
Accepting that everyone-including your spouse-has icks[34:12]
• Jay and Radha state that everyone has icks, even the person you marry, and that you can still love each other despite them
• They close by calling it a spontaneous, funny episode and affirm they "love a good ick" while encouraging listeners to treat them lightly

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Differentiate between light, often irrational icks and fundamental relationship issues like poor communication, hygiene, or emotional immaturity, and give far more weight to the fundamentals when deciding on a partner.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What behaviors in my current or past relationships have I treated like deal-breakers even though they were mostly superficial icks?
  • • How might my dating or relationship choices change if I ranked core traits (reliability, kindness, communication) above my surface-level turn-offs?
  • • What is one behavior I currently label as an ick that I could choose to treat as minor if the fundamentals are strong?
2

Before ending a relationship or situation over an ick, ask yourself why it triggers you so strongly and whether you could accept it if it never changes, since deeply ingrained habits are unlikely to disappear.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which specific ick in my life bothers me the most, and what deeper value or past experience might it be touching for me?
  • • How would my decision-making change if I assumed this particular behavior will stay exactly the same for the next five years?
  • • What conversation or boundary could I set that would either make this ick tolerable or clarify that it's truly incompatible with my needs?
3

Attraction can chemically bias your judgment, making you excuse or even like behaviors you normally dislike, so you need conscious standards about habits and values before you get emotionally attached.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When have I overlooked a serious red flag or habit because I was very attracted to someone?
  • • How could I define, in writing, my non-negotiable habits and values for a partner so I can refer back to them when feelings cloud my judgment?
  • • What early signs in a new connection should I commit to noticing instead of rationalizing away when I feel strong chemistry?
4

Communicating about icks works best when you are honest but constructive-name the specific behavior, explain how it affects you, and, where appropriate, offer a collaborative solution instead of just criticism.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What is one recurring ick with a partner or friend that I've never clearly expressed but quietly resent?
  • • How could I frame that ick in a way that focuses on the behavior and my feelings, and also suggests a practical alternative or compromise?
  • • When will I initiate a calm conversation about this behavior, and what words could I use to keep it kind rather than attacking?
5

Be cautious about using icks as a convenient scapegoat; if you're not genuinely attracted or interested, it's more honest to acknowledge that than to hide behind a trivial reason.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life have I blamed a small quirk or habit to justify pulling away instead of admitting I just wasn't that interested?
  • • How might owning my true level of interest change the clarity and kindness of the way I end or define relationships?
  • • What is one current situation where I could replace an "ick" excuse with a more honest explanation of my feelings or intentions?

Episode Summary - Notes by Finley

Jay & Radhi Talk About Icks vs. Red Flags (How to ACTUALLY Know the Difference)
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