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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Feel Behind in Your Career, Relationship or Life? THIS Is the Episode You Need To Stop Comparing Yourself

Published October 10, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Jay Shetty delivers a solo episode about what to do when you feel behind in your career, relationships, or life. Drawing on psychological research, parables, and stories of public figures, he explains how social comparison, comfort, and misunderstood timelines create a false sense of lateness. He offers six key reminders to reframe progress, embrace struggle, and recognize the invisible skills and foundations you are building over time.

Topics Covered

Personal Development Relationships Romantic relationships Career transitions Hedonic treadmill Resilience Growth mindset Grit Persistence Perspective shift

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • Feeling behind often comes from comparing your timeline to others rather than to your own growth and values.
  • Psychological research shows people care more about relative status than absolute gains, which fuels dissatisfaction.
  • Endings and peak moments shape how experiences are remembered more than how they begin or how long they last.
  • Comfort and the status quo bias quietly keep people stuck in mediocre jobs, relationships, and habits.
  • External success and being "ahead" on paper often do not translate into sustained happiness due to the hedonic treadmill.
  • Struggle and failure are evidence that you are in the arena, building resilience and capability for future success.
  • Slow, unseen efforts are like foundations of a skyscraper-essential but invisible until the visible breakthrough.
  • Deliberate practice, persistent effort, and latent learning compound over time, even when progress feels slow.
  • You are not behind; you are developing skills and a story that may not yet be visible to you or others.

Podcast Notes

Opening reframing of life and comparison

Life as a relay, not a race

Life isn't a race; it's a relay with different paces and phases for everyone[2:03]
• Some people sprint early, others conserve energy for later, and some are still building skills before they move forward
Harmful comparisons Jay urges listeners to stop making[2:11]
• Stop comparing your life to the lives of people you don't even want
• Stop comparing your progress to someone else's performance
• Stop comparing your worth to numbers, likes, or applause
• Jay says the more you compare, the less you see what is in your favor

Show positioning and host introduction

Podcast branding[2:34]
• The show is introduced as "The number one health and wellness podcast"
Jay Shetty introduction[2:45]
• Jay identifies himself as the author of New York Times bestsellers "Think Like a Monk" and "Eight Rules of Love"
• He welcomes listeners back and frames the topic of feeling behind in life

Framing the problem of feeling behind

Common scenarios where people feel behind

Feeling behind in career[3:02]
• Jay speaks to those who feel that everyone else has their career figured out while they do not
Feeling behind in relationships and family[2:55]
• He addresses listeners who feel they should already be married or have children
Feeling like everyone else is "crushing it"[3:12]
• Jay notes how people can feel that everyone else is succeeding while they are left behind

Why feeling behind emerges after education

Shared timelines during formal education[3:36]
• For 16, 18, or 21 years in formal education, people move at roughly the same pace
• Everyone progresses from one grade to the next together, and many move from high school to college in sync
Divergence of timelines after school[3:48]
• After college and the first job, timelines start to change dramatically
• Some friends get promoted first while others are promoted later
• Some friends get engaged or married while others remain single
• Some have elaborate weddings while others are simply planning their weekend
• Some have children while others are deciding what to watch on Netflix
Lack of a post-school system fuels comparison[4:15]
• Jay notes that after school, there is no system keeping everyone on the same pace
• This makes it easy to watch what others are doing and feel left behind

Reminder 1: You're not late, you're on a different timeline

Social comparison and perceived lateness

Leon Festinger and social comparison theory[5:30]
• In 1954, psychologist Leon Festinger observed that people do not judge themselves in isolation but by comparison
• Jay explains that we don't usually compare ourselves to who we were yesterday, but to who others are today or what they present
Everyday examples of comparison[5:30]
• You might feel fine about your career until you see a classmate on LinkedIn with a fancy new title
• You might feel good about your relationship until you scroll past someone else's engagement photos
Definition of social comparison theory[5:30]
• Jay labels this dynamic as social comparison theory: our sense of worth gets measured against others' timelines, not our own progress

Research on relative income and status

Harvard study of graduating students' income choices[5:46]
• Students were given two options: earn $50,000 while others earn $25,000, or earn $100,000 while others earn $200,000
• Most students chose the first option: less absolute money but higher relative status compared to others
• Jay highlights that what mattered more was income relative to people next to them, not total income
University of Warwick study on life satisfaction[6:28]
• A 2010 University of Warwick study found life satisfaction is more influenced by relative income than by absolute income
Social media's impact on comparison[6:47]
• A study in Computers and Human Behaviour found that time spent on social media correlates directly with increased feelings of inadequacy due to comparison

No universal timeline and late bloomers

Examples of late success[6:47]
• Jay cites Colonel Sanders launching KFC at age 65
• He notes many entrepreneurs who built their dreams at 40, 50, 60, or 70
Pressure from influencer culture[7:09]
• Because of influencer culture, many feel that if they are not multimillionaires by 21 or 30, they are too late
Key reframe: different clocks, not lateness[7:21]
• Jay emphasizes there is no universal timeline; what feels late is usually just different
• He repeats the earlier injunction to stop comparing your life, progress, and worth to external markers like likes and applause

Reminder 2: Endings define the story, not the start

How endings shape our memory of experiences

Movie analogy for life stories[7:58]
• Jay compares a life to a movie: a slow or uneven beginning doesn't matter as much if the ending is powerful
• People often leave a movie saying it was incredible because of how it ended, not how it started
Daniel Kahneman's findings on experience evaluation[8:13]
• Psychologist Daniel Kahneman found that people judge experiences not by duration or beginning, but by the most intense moment and the ending
• In one study, patients undergoing painful procedures remembered them as less awful if the ending was gentler, even when the procedure was longer

Implications for careers and life trajectories

Rocky starts do not doom outcomes[8:50]
• Jay says a rocky start in life, career, or relationships does not lock in a bad ending
• A slow decade does not erase the impact of where you finish
• A failure today does not prevent a strong win later
Encouragement to those feeling stuck in the middle[9:11]
• If you feel behind or stuck in the middle, remember that people won't recall every stumble but will remember how you finished
• Jay stresses that you have not finished yet, so you shouldn't quit in the middle of your story
Kahneman's peak-end rule and John Lennon quote[9:41]
• Jay cites Kahneman's peak-end rule as support that endings define the story more than beginnings
• He quotes John Lennon: "Everything will be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, it's not the end."
• He observes that many people end or quit before they have truly started or given themselves time
• He reassures that if you are in the messy middle, you do not have to feel stuck; what matters is that you kept going, not how long it took

Reminder 3: Comfort is the real cause of delay

Comfort versus unfairness as explanations for being behind

Challenging the narrative of unfairness[10:31]
• Jay acknowledges that life can be unfair, but says that is often not the real reason people are stuck
• He offers a "harsh truth": many people are behind because comfort has them sedated and in control

Parable of the frog and status quo bias

Frog in warm water metaphor[10:56]
• Jay describes the parable: a frog thrown into boiling water jumps out, but in slowly heated water it doesn't notice danger until too late
• He uses this to illustrate how comfort doesn't scream that you're wasting your life; it quietly keeps you saying "we're fine here" or "maybe tomorrow"
Status quo bias and resistance to change[11:27]
• Status quo bias describes the brain's preference for familiar situations even when they are not serving us
• Research shows that when faced with change, most people prefer a mediocre status quo over uncertain improvements
• This bias explains why people stay in unfulfilling jobs, toxic relationships, or unhealthy habits
• He stresses it's often not that people can't change, but that comfort tricks them into not wanting change

Choosing familiar pain over unfamiliar change

Thich Nhat Hanh quote on familiar pain[12:01]
• Jay shares Thich Nhat Hanh's idea that people will choose familiar pain over unfamiliar change
• He explains that people may pick something that hurts because it is familiar, instead of something new that might be better
Evidence of default choices and disengagement[12:25]
• A 2017 study in Frontiers in Psychology found over 80% of people choose the default option, even when better alternatives exist, just to avoid change
• Gallup surveys indicate 85% of employees worldwide are disengaged at work, yet most do not leave
• Jay argues this is not primarily about ability but about comfort feeling safer than growth

Reframing comfort and responsibility

Asking if you're trapped or comfortably stuck[12:54]
• He urges listeners to ask themselves whether they are truly trapped or just comfortably stuck
Comfort versus failure[13:01]
• Jay says comfort is more dangerous than failure because failure wakes you up while comfort puts you to sleep
What you actually need instead of fairness[13:37]
• He repeats that life can be unfair, but insists you don't need fairness; you need focus, grit, persistence, good choices, leverage, and consistency
• He both agrees that the world is unfair and needs change, and simultaneously emphasizes taking control of your own life

Reminder 4: People ahead of you may not actually be ahead

Questioning assumptions about those who seem ahead

Visible success versus internal reality[18:06]
• Jay notes we look at people with money, titles, and perfect photos and assume they are happier
• He asserts that many people who appear ahead could actually be unhappy

Hedonic treadmill and adaptation

Definition of the hedonic treadmill[17:40]
• Humans quickly adapt to changes like promotions, new cars, or dream houses; initial happiness spikes then fades as these become the new normal
• This is why someone can be "ahead on paper" but feel empty and unsatisfied
Costs and sacrifices behind apparent success[18:06]
• Jay explains that fast success often collapses when the inner foundation wasn't there
• He stresses that a person might be ahead in some visible sense, but at a cost or sacrifice that you might not be willing to make
Studying lives rather than envying highlight reels[18:37]
• Jay encourages listeners to stop envying others' highlight reels and instead study the actual life they are living
• He reminds listeners that you don't know the price they paid or sacrifice they made to get their visible success

Reminder 5: Struggling means you're in the arena

Theodore Roosevelt's "man in the arena" and modern psychology

Roosevelt's speech and credit to those in the arena[19:07]
• Jay cites Theodore Roosevelt's 1910 speech in Paris about credit belonging to the person in the arena whose face is marred with dust, sweat, and blood
• He connects this with modern psychology showing benefits of being in the arena and trying

Failure rates and learning from entrepreneurship

High failure rates of startups[19:26]
• Jay notes that data shows 90% of new businesses fail, which seems brutal
Harvard Business School findings on failed entrepreneurs[19:41]
• A Harvard Business School study found entrepreneurs who failed the first time were more likely to succeed later than those who never tried
• He emphasizes that if you sit on the sidelines, you may never win, but failure on early attempts can set you up for later wins

Struggle as stress inoculation and growth

Stress inoculation and post-traumatic growth[20:12]
• Psychologists describe "stress inoculation" and post-traumatic growth as processes where facing challenges strengthens you
• Facing difficulty builds coping mechanisms, emotional endurance, and problem-solving skills
Neuroscience of struggle[20:22]
• Neuroscience shows that when we are tested, our brain rewires and the prefrontal cortex becomes more resilient
• Thus failing or losing initially can set you up to win later by strengthening decision-making and regulation

Moderate adversity and mental health

Psychological Science study on adversity[20:47]
• A study in Psychological Science found that people with moderate adversity reported better mental health and higher life satisfaction than those with no adversity
Michael Hopf quote on cycles of hard and good times[21:04]
• Jay quotes Michael Hopf: "Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men and weak men create hard times."
• He finds it fascinating that good times can weaken us while bad times can make us strong and powerful

Reframing struggle as proof of engagement

Resilience research and adaptability[21:32]
• Resilience research shows exposure to struggle predicts adaptability in future crises
Distinctions Jay urges listeners to make[21:30]
• Don't confuse trying with failing, or practice with losing
• Don't confuse learning with weakness, or falling behind with being out of the race
• Don't confuse starting over with starting from zero, and don't confuse scars with shame; they are proof you showed up

Reminder 6: You're not behind, you're developing skills

Comparing outcomes versus recognizing skill-building

Outcome comparisons create the feeling of being behind[22:48]
• Jay notes that people feel behind because they compare outcomes: who has the job, relationship, or house
Reframing as skill and story development[23:00]
• He asserts that you are not behind; you are developing skills and your personal story

J.K. Rowling as an example of unseen preparation

Rowling's circumstances before success[23:02]
• J.K. Rowling was a single mother living on welfare before she wrote Harry Potter
• From the outside she looked behind: no money, stability, or visible career
What those years developed in her[23:12]
• Those years built persistence to keep submitting her manuscript after 12 rejections
• They developed empathy that flowed into her characters and grit that underpinned her success
• Jay concludes she wasn't behind; she was building invisible muscles

Foundation metaphor for long-term success

Invisible foundations of visible structures[23:45]
• Jay asks listeners to think of the most beautiful building they've been in: no one praises the foundations because they're unseen
• He points out that the taller the skyscraper, the deeper the foundations must be
• Right now, you may be working on foundations that no one sees and even you might overlook
• One day, when the "building" of your life is visible, people will forget how much work went into the foundations

Latent learning and deliberate practice

Latent learning[24:17]
• Psychologists call certain unseen accumulation of knowledge "latent learning": skills that don't show immediate results but emerge later as conditions change
Deliberate practice and expertise[24:30]
• Jay references Anders Ericsson's research showing expertise depends on struggle invested, not just time spent
• World-class performers typically accumulate around 10,000 hours of deliberate practice before breakthroughs, and these hours are largely invisible from the outside

Examples from elite athletes

Gift versus work in top athletes[25:04]
• Jay says elite athletes may acknowledge a God-given talent but would be offended if their hours of work and struggle were ignored
Kobe Bryant and Cristiano Ronaldo's training habits[25:38]
• When Jay interviewed Kobe Bryant, Kobe described training before anyone arrived and staying after everyone left
• Stories about Cristiano Ronaldo describe him arriving earlier than players who thought they were early
• Jay concludes that this level of intensity and consistency is what it takes to become the best

Compounding skills and preparation

Underestimating compounding progress[26:04]
• A Stanford study found that people often underestimate how much their skills compound over time
• Progress can feel slow in the present but accelerates later, similar to compound interest
Reframing perceived failure as incubation[25:48]
• When you feel behind, it is often that your skills are incubating rather than failing
• Invisible skills like resilience, persistence, and patience are predictors of long-term success
Shifting from outcome metrics to skill metrics[26:14]
• Jay urges listeners to stop measuring life solely by outcomes and start noticing the skills they are building in the struggle
• He says preparation always looks like you're behind until suddenly it doesn't

Closing encouragement and related episode recommendation

Encouragement to share and subscribe

Invitation to help others feeling behind[26:53]
• Jay thanks listeners and encourages them to pass the episode on to a friend who may be feeling behind
Description of his approach to the podcast[27:10]
• He says he shares research, science, and spiritual wisdom from a 360-degree perspective
• He reminds listeners to subscribe so they never miss an episode
• Jay closes by saying he is forever in the listener's corner and always rooting for them

Mention of related Lewis Hamilton episode

Connection to themes of intentional success[27:18]
• Jay promotes his episode with Lewis Hamilton, where they discuss stopping the chase for society's definition of success
• He says that episode also covers being more intentional with goals
Lewis Hamilton's view on progress[27:13]
• Jay quotes Lewis Hamilton saying it's not about being perfect, but about trying to be better every day, one step at a time
• Lewis mentions learning a lot about himself and needing to break himself down in order to improve

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Stop using other people's timelines as your yardstick; measure your progress against who you were yesterday and the life you actually want, not against classmates' titles or social media posts.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In what areas of my life am I most prone to comparing my timeline to others instead of to my own past self?
  • • How would my sense of progress change if I stopped checking others' milestones and focused on one meaningful metric I control?
  • • What specific practice can I start this week (e.g., a weekly self-review) to track my own growth instead of others' achievements?
2

A rough start or slow decade does not doom your story; what matters most for how life is remembered and felt is the peak moments and how you choose to finish.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which early failures or slow periods am I still treating as permanent verdicts instead of just the beginning of my story?
  • • How might my decisions change if I prioritized crafting a strong "ending" to the current chapter rather than dwelling on how it began?
  • • What is one area of my life where I can choose a different, better "ending" starting today, even if the middle has been messy?
3

Comfort and the status quo bias quietly keep people stuck; growth requires consciously trading familiar pain and mediocrity for the uncertainty of change.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life do I feel a nagging dissatisfaction but stay put because it feels familiar and safe?
  • • How could I reduce the perceived risk of one important change I've been avoiding so it becomes more tolerable than staying stuck?
  • • What small, concrete step can I take this week to move out of comfortable stagnation and into intentional discomfort that leads to growth?
4

Struggle, failure, and adversity are evidence that you are in the arena, building resilience, skills, and future capacity that people on the sidelines never develop.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which recent struggle could I reinterpret as training or "stress inoculation" rather than as a sign that I'm failing?
  • • How might my attitude toward setbacks shift if I saw them as necessary reps that strengthen my decision-making and emotional endurance?
  • • What is one ongoing challenge where I can consciously show up again, viewing myself as "in the arena" instead of on the verge of quitting?
5

Long-term success is built on invisible foundations-latent learning and deliberate practice-that often feel like being behind until they suddenly compound into visible breakthroughs.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What skills or habits am I currently building that are largely invisible but could form the foundation for future opportunities?
  • • How would I behave differently if I truly believed that today's slow, unglamorous work was compounding like interest in my favor?
  • • What specific practice (study, training, or repetition) can I commit to for the next three months, knowing that results may not show immediately?
6

External success and being "ahead" on paper do not guarantee happiness; it is more important to pursue a life whose trade-offs and sacrifices you are actually willing to make.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Whose life or career have I been idealizing without honestly considering the sacrifices and costs behind it?
  • • How could I redefine "success" for myself so that it reflects my values and desired daily reality, not just status and optics?
  • • What is one goal I'm chasing that I may need to adjust or release because I'm not truly willing to pay the price it requires?

Episode Summary - Notes by Tatum

Feel Behind in Your Career, Relationship or Life? THIS Is the Episode You Need To Stop Comparing Yourself
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