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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Dr. K: Feeling Lost in Your 20s or 30s? (THIS Mindset Shift Will Help You Find Direction & Purpose)

Published September 22, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

The host and Dr. K discuss why so many people in their 20s and 30s feel lost, behind, and purposeless despite external appearances of doing fine. They explore the difference between identity and identification, how ego and constant self-thinking drive depression and anxiety, and how observation, meditation, and emotional regulation can quiet the mind and reveal inner direction. The conversation also covers masculinity, dating, pornography addiction, spiritual evolution, and a practical framework for building purpose and resilience in a rapidly changing world.

Topics Covered

Personal Development Identity Mental health Meditation Mindfulness Emotional intelligence Relationships Masculinity Online pornography and OnlyFans Perspective shift

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Quick Takeaways

  • Many young adults experience a "noiseless" or quarter-life crisis because inherited life scripts (college-job-marriage-house) no longer reliably work in today's economic and social environment.
  • Feeling "behind" often comes from building identity through external identification and expectations rather than through inner observation and self-understanding.
  • Thinking about yourself (rumination, self-judgment) is different from paying attention to yourself (nonjudgmental observation), and the latter calms emotional centers in the brain.
  • Technology and constant stimulation are used to suppress uncomfortable emotions, which prevents the mind from naturally processing pain and healing.
  • Much of contemporary masculinity chases status and alpha traits that do not translate into emotional health or satisfying relationships for men or women.
  • Pornography use is less about lust and more about regulating painful emotions in an otherwise meaningless, directionless life, and it can contribute to sexual dysfunction and shame.
  • Purpose isn't a single grand statement but a felt state built through self-directed choices, stretching your capacities, and being genuinely seen by others.
  • Service and focusing on what is happening (effects and consequences) rather than just what you are doing help dissolve ego and reduce over-attachment to others' opinions.

Podcast Notes

Introduction and framing of the quarter-life crisis

Setting the scene: young adults in crisis

Host cites statistics about young adults struggling[2:18]
• Mentions that 50% of people under age 30 still live with their parents in the US
• Notes a LinkedIn study finding about 70% of people in their 20s report going through a "quarter-life crisis"
Introduction of Dr. K and his work[3:06]
• Host describes Dr. K as a Harvard-trained psychiatrist focused on modern mental health and young people, with a large online audience
• Mentions he is the author of "How to Raise a Healthy Gamer"
Host frames core question: why are people in their 20s and 30s confused and hurting when life looks okay on the outside?[5:42]

Dr. K's initial perspective on visible vs invisible crises

External vs internal appearance of functioning[5:51]
• Dr. K says many of the people he works with do not look "externally okay" anymore; problems are increasingly visible as well as hidden
Erik Erikson and the concept of a "noiseless crisis"[6:19]
• References Erik Erikson's idea that many people go through crises that are not obvious to others
• Connects this to the modern quarter-life crisis where individuals wake up realizing the life they built by following instructions is not the life they want
Old scripts vs new realities[7:05]
• Previous generations' formula-college, job, house, family-worked reasonably well as a predictable path
• Says that formula "doesn't work anymore" due to factors like college costs, debt, and housing prices
• Gives personal example: his own undergraduate degree cost around $30,000 total; now similar schools cost that per year
• Notes research on social media still being published from trials started many years ago, illustrating how fast the world changes compared to slow research cycles

Identity, feeling behind, and looking within

The experience of feeling late or left behind

Host raises data about top future-related Google searches[10:44]
• Notes that "Will I ever find love" and "Will I ever be enough" were the top autocomplete questions for "Will I ever" on Google when he researched his book
Dr. K focuses on what to do with the feeling of being behind[11:15]
• He emphasizes action-oriented guidance over just explaining why the problem exists
• Argues that the feeling of being late is fundamentally tied to identity and expectations absorbed from others

Identity vs identification

Definition of identification[11:58]
• Identification means looking outside yourself and saying "I am one of these people"-e.g., goth, football fan, gamer, political party, incel
Identity as distinct from identification[12:27]
• Identity is a deeper, internal understanding of who you are, not just a group label
• He says people who feel behind are often relying on external models of who they "should" be, rather than sensing who they truly are
Source of the belief "I am not enough"[12:57]
• He observes that people who feel inadequate often derive their self-worth from trying to please others and failing
• Gives example of parental expectations about becoming a doctor and the shame of deviating from that path

How we learn who we are from others: attachment example

Attachment theory and reflected emotions[13:21]
• Explains that children learn how to feel by seeing emotions reflected by caregivers (attachment theory)
• Describes his 2-year-old daughter falling: if adults react with panic she cries, if they laugh she laughs, showing how external reactions shape internal states
Modern expectations are no longer meetable[13:56]
• Reiterates that many societal expectations about success and timelines cannot realistically be met in the current environment

Thinking about yourself vs paying attention to yourself

Default mode network and depression

What is the default mode network?[14:48]
• He defines the default mode network (DMN) as the brain system involved in self-referential thinking-"the part of your brain that thinks about you"
• Notes that DMN activity is hyperactive in severe depression, where people ruminate about how worthless or harmful they are
• Gives example of depressed patients believing their family would be better off without them and being unable to stop those thoughts
Meditation (Shunya) as a way to quiet self-thinking[15:28]
• Describes using a meditation called Shunya (void/nothingness) to cultivate a sense of emptiness
• Says Shunya practice appears to deactivate the DMN, reducing obsessive self-focus
• When DMN quiets, people stop constantly thinking about themselves and instead begin to notice genuine internal signals

Distinction between thinking and observing

Thinking as attaching stories and judgments[15:57]
• Thinking about yourself involves evaluative thoughts: "I look good/bad," "I'm a loser," etc.
• He compares thinking to looking at a reflection in a mirror: you are really seeing the mirror and your interpretations, not yourself directly
Observation as non-judgmental attention[15:57]
• Paying attention means watching internal states without adding stories-e.g., noticing "there is a part of me that feels like my life is falling apart"
• States that thoughts are not facts; observation creates distance and reduces emotional "bite"
• Notes that activating brain areas for observation (like anterior cingulate cortex) naturally calms emotional centers (like the amygdala)

Second arrows, attachment, and equanimity

The Buddha's "second arrow" and implications[20:16]
• Explains the "second arrow": life's first arrow is the event (e.g., breakup), the second arrow is the added story ("I'll always be alone") that creates suffering
• Mentions reading the original Buddhist text and realizing the second arrow applies to positive experiences too, not just negative ones
• Says we attach chains of meaning to good events (e.g., promotion will lead to many future gains), which sets us up for later disappointment
Equanimity and not being disturbed by happiness or distress[20:38]
• Host connects this to the Bhagavad Gita's idea that one should not be disturbed by happiness or distress
• Dr. K elaborates that any disturbance-including excitement over gains-disrupts mental stillness and can move goalposts endlessly

Growth, doing vs becoming, and changing paths

Chasing growth vs actually growing

Doing as separate from becoming[24:36]
• He argues many people obsess over doing (achieving, hustling) without noticing what each action makes them become
• Uses addiction example: people focus on taking a substance, not on the human and life they are creating for tomorrow as a result
Focusing on what you will inherit tomorrow[25:15]
• Suggests asking: "If I take this action today, what life will I inherit tomorrow?" as a practical decision filter
• Says ambition and goals can motivate but will not deliver lasting happiness if they only gratify ego

Dr. K's series of "terrible" decisions and career pivots

Multiple radical course changes[28:05]
• He spent seven years training to become a monk, then walked away after falling in love and losing interest in celibacy
• Originally planned a career in holistic oncology combining complementary medicine with cancer treatment, then switched to psychiatry late in medical school despite family resistance
• Held a faculty position at Harvard Medical School working on meditation protocols, then left academia to stream and talk to gamers online, which unexpectedly grew
Internal feedback vs external approval[30:45]
• He notes that when he started streaming to five people, it felt deeply right internally despite poor external metrics
• Says once you move in your own direction, you receive positive inner feedback that can outweigh others' disapproval

Technology, emotional suppression, and facing inner pain

How technology dulls inner signals

Constant external focus and productivity[32:55]
• Describes his own med school obsession with productivity-consuming content in every spare moment-as a way of keeping attention outside himself
• Warns that the mind "rusts" when capacities like self-awareness are not used, similar to forgetting an unused language
Using phones to suppress uncomfortable emotions[34:00]
• Gives examples of reaching for the phone when bored on the subway, anxious after a message from a boss, or uncomfortable in silence
• Mentions a study linking long phone sessions on the toilet to a ~65% increased risk of hemorrhoids, illustrating how pervasive the habit is

Facing inner pain as prerequisite for healing

Therapeutic process: pain before breakthrough[35:26]
• He notes therapy sessions typically involve crying and confronting trauma first, with insight and relief coming later
• Argues people avoid looking within because it initially brings up shame, guilt, and awareness of self-sabotage
His own video game addiction as avoidance[39:37]
• At 18, he spent a year never going to sleep intentionally, always passing out after gaming until 5:30-6:00 a.m. to avoid painful thoughts
• If he lay in bed awake, thoughts about destroying his life and skipping classes flooded in, so he used exhaustion and games to escape them
Analogy of emotional "vomiting"[41:35]
• Compares processing negative emotions to vomiting after food poisoning: nausea and vomiting feel bad but are healthy and expel toxins
• Says the mind repeatedly returns to painful topics because it is trying to "vomit" them out; suppression blocks that process

Ego, caring what people think, and being yourself

Ego as driver of both material and spiritual striving

Wanting to be a monk as an ego strategy[44:09]
• He recounts that after academic failures and shame, he turned toward monkhood partly as a way to "win" and feel superior to materialistic peers
• Admits that initially both becoming a doctor and becoming a monk were fueled by ego and desire for admiration
Teacher's advice about vows and escape[47:02]
• His guru refused to let him take monastic vows at 21, saying his life was "empty" and becoming a monk would be escapism
• Teacher instructed him to return to the US, get a doctoral degree, and revisit monkhood at 30 if he still wanted it, maintaining spiritual practice meanwhile

How to relate to others' opinions without being ruled by them

Caring vs overidentifying with feedback[47:52]
• He distinguishes valuing feedback (including criticism and formal reprimands) from letting it define one's identity
• Warns against swinging from over-caring to not caring at all, which can lead to becoming inconsiderate and create new problems
Contextualizing criticism as projection[49:03]
• Estimates that about 90% of the criticism he receives is projection-people reacting to their own issues rather than to who he actually is
• Recommends acknowledging mistakes while remembering that negative attributes are not the entirety of who you are

Why "be yourself" can be bad advice

Critique of "being yourself"[1:00:06]
• He argues that "being yourself" often means acting out ingrained patterns shaped by trauma, conditioning, and unconscious programming
• Thinks it's better to consciously dismantle unhealthy patterns and become a healthier version of yourself than to defend your worst behaviors as authenticity

Masculinity, dating, and gendered challenges

Masculinity, alpha myths, and relationship outcomes

Drive for muscularity and long-term relationships[1:00:01]
• Cites a study on "drive for muscularity" showing that wanting to be very muscular is associated with lower likelihood of entering long-term relationships and higher divorce rates
Intramale competition vs what women actually want[1:02:49]
• Describes male focus on intramale hierarchy (like lion dominance) as only partially relevant to human relationships
• Observes that many women prioritize safety and partnership over stereotypical "alpha" traits

Online dating, samskaras, and relational baggage

Samskaras as emotional imprints[56:56]
• Introduces the concept of samskaras as accumulated emotional baggage from past experiences that shape present interpretations
• Explains that in online dating, people judge new partners through the lens of all previous hurts and patterns, not just present behavior
Repeating patterns like boundary violations[57:53]
• Notes that if similar negative patterns (e.g., being taken advantage of) repeat in relationships, it's often because you are broadcasting cues that boundary-testers pick up on

Judgment vs understanding and emotional regulation

How anger, fear, and anxiety narrow perception

Physiological and psychological narrowing[1:18:10]
• He explains that high negative arousal (anger, fear, anxiety) narrows visual field from ~180 degrees to about 30 degrees
• Says the same narrowing happens mentally: context disappears, and we see situations in black-and-white, survival terms

Practicing compassion without abandoning boundaries

Clinical example of holding limits with empathy[1:21:46]
• Describes patients demanding stimulants; he can firmly refuse additional prescriptions while still validating their distress and offering alternative help
• Clarifies that compassion does not mean letting people walk over you; it's holding boundaries with understanding rather than hostility
Regulation effort and willpower[1:23:18]
• Emotional regulation is one of the most willpower-draining activities, which is why responding with understanding instead of reactivity feels hard at first

Spiritual evolution, consciousness, and neuroscience

Tai chi, yoga, and mechanisms beyond simple exercise

Studying tai chi and chronic pain[1:28:59]
• He worked in a neuroscience lab studying tai chi and chronic pain; tai chi improved arthritis outcomes more than conventional exercise in one cited paper
• Explains that chronic pain locks attention onto the hurting body part; tai chi and yoga force attention to other body regions, reducing perceived pain

Consciousness as an undetected dimension

Limits of current brain imaging[1:31:00]
• Points out that EEG measures electrical activity and fMRI measures blood flow, but neither directly detects thoughts
• Argues there is a domain of subjective experience (thoughts, consciousness) that we cannot yet measure instrumentally but that humans can reliably observe internally
DMT visions and meditation as "spiritual technology"[1:33:13]
• Mentions a study where about 92% of DMT users reported encountering otherworldly beings
• Suggests meditation and psychedelics may function like microscopes or telescopes, revealing aspects of reality not available to ordinary perception
Ego death and therapeutic change[1:35:20]
• Notes that in psychedelic research, experiences of ego death correlate with improvements in treatment-resistant depression and trauma
• If people only experience colors and perceptual distortions without ego dissolution, clinical symptoms often do not improve

Pornography, addiction, and the role of meaning

Root causes of pornography addiction

Porn as emotion regulation, not just lust[1:49:01]
• He argues the root of porn addiction is meaninglessness and lack of purpose, not simply high libido
• Describes how sexual arousal powerfully shuts down anxiety, fear, and risk assessment circuits, making porn a fast-acting emotional anesthetic
Negative consequences: erectile dysfunction[1:51:55]
• Cites data that erectile dysfunction in men under 30 used to be around 5% and is now reported in some studies at about 20%
• Explains that frequent, intense, non-lubricated masturbation to porn can condition the body to require higher PSI than a partner's body can provide, leading to erection loss during partnered sex
• Adds that shame and anxiety after erectile difficulties can further entrench the problem and damage relationships

Three-pillar approach to reducing porn use

Structural boundaries around access[1:54:10]
• Recommends logging out of all devices, designating a single device for porn, and restricting use to limited hours to prevent it from permeating life
Developing alternative emotional regulation[1:55:08]
• Suggests learning other ways to handle emotions (meditation, walking, allowing time to think before bed, dream journaling) so porn is no longer the main coping mechanism
Building meaning and purpose as long-term antidote[1:56:00]
• States that without a deeper sense of purpose, it is very hard to sustain reduced porn use over time

A practical framework for building purpose

Pilot study on purpose and coaching

Outcome data from coaching program[1:57:55]
• Mentions a pilot with 1,453 people showing a 68% increase in purpose and direction in life after 20 weeks of their coaching

Three behavioral components of purpose

Self-direction and making choices[1:58:55]
• Says people without purpose often feel life is happening to them; the brain needs to experience making choices to feel directed
• Advises starting with very small, arbitrary choices (e.g., which shoe to put on first, matcha vs coffee) without obsessing about right or wrong
Stretching your capacities[2:00:45]
• Argues that purpose correlates with regularly doing slightly more than you think you can (e.g., swimming one extra lap, waking up one minute earlier)
• Stresses that success is less critical than attempting the stretch; the key is to prove to yourself that you are willing to try
Relatedness: being seen as you are[2:02:34]
• Defines relatedness as having other people see and respond to the real you, not a facade, with some level of acceptance
• Notes this is hard in a distracted, phone-absorbed culture, but is a core ingredient of the felt sense of purpose

Service, ego dissolution, and closing advice

Service as an antidote to ego and rumination

Why service reduces self-obsession[2:05:08]
• He says service is giving without expectation for the benefit of others, not doing what they demand nor seeking validation
• Explains that when serving, the minutes your brain spends not thinking about yourself increase, which is healthy for the default mode network and ego

Best and worst advice; focusing on consequences

Worst advice: "be yourself"[2:08:40]
• In the rapid-fire section, he names "be yourself" as the worst advice, reiterating that the unexamined self is often a bundle of unhealthy patterns
Best advice: focus on what is happening, not just what you are doing[2:10:30]
• Advises focusing on the actual consequences of actions rather than only the actions themselves or stated intentions
• Uses parenting examples: giving an iPad to stop tantrums trains tantrums; only imposing consequences when yelling trains kids to ignore calm requests

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Feeling behind in life usually comes from living by inherited scripts and external expectations instead of building identity from inner observation and self-chosen values.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life am I measuring myself against someone else's timeline instead of my own inner sense of readiness and desire?
  • • How do I currently define who I am, and how much of that definition comes from labels, roles, or groups rather than from lived inner experience?
  • • What is one small choice I could make this week that reflects what I actually want, not what I think I'm supposed to want?
2

Thinking about yourself (rumination and judgment) amplifies suffering, whereas paying attention to yourself (calm observation) creates distance and allows emotions to process and pass.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When I'm upset, what does my internal monologue sound like, and how often am I just repeating self-critical stories?
  • • How could I experiment with simply observing a difficult feeling for a few minutes without assigning it meaning about my worth or future?
  • • What simple daily practice-like a brief meditation or journaling prompt-could I use to train myself to watch thoughts instead of automatically believing them?
3

Lasting behavioral change depends less on information and more on emotionally compelling reasons to act, combined with realistic expectations about the cost and discomfort of change.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What important change in my life do I keep postponing even though I already know all the facts and reasons?
  • • How might my follow-through improve if I explicitly acknowledged up front that this change will feel hard and uncomfortable instead of expecting it to be easy?
  • • What emotionally meaningful motive (such as health, family, or gratitude) could I connect to this change so that it matters enough to sustain effort?
4

Purpose is not a single revelation but a state that emerges from repeatedly making your own choices, stretching your capacities slightly, and letting others see who you really are.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In what areas of my life do I most feel like life is happening to me rather than being shaped by my own decisions?
  • • Where could I deliberately stretch my capacity just a little bit-one more rep, one more page, one more conversation-to build a different story about what I'm capable of?
  • • Who in my life could I be more honest with this month so that I'm more fully seen instead of hiding behind a polished version of myself?
5

Addictive coping behaviors-whether pornography, substances, or compulsive scrolling-are often attempts to regulate unbearable emotions in an otherwise empty or directionless life.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What behavior do I turn to most predictably when I feel anxious, lonely, or ashamed, and what feeling am I trying to shut off?
  • • How could I begin to build an alternative emotional regulation toolkit so that I'm not relying on the same numbing strategy every time?
  • • What longer-term source of meaning or direction do I want to cultivate so that I'm not constantly needing to escape my inner experience?
6

Serving others and holding clear boundaries with compassion both help dissolve ego: they shift attention away from constant self-concern while still honoring your own integrity and limits.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where could I contribute time or effort to someone else's well-being in a way that is not about being praised but about being genuinely useful?
  • • How might my relationships change if I practiced saying no firmly but kindly, acknowledging the other person's feelings instead of dismissing them?
  • • What is one small act of service I can commit to this week that will pull my attention away from my own worries and toward someone else's needs?

Episode Summary - Notes by Rowan

Dr. K: Feeling Lost in Your 20s or 30s? (THIS Mindset Shift Will Help You Find Direction & Purpose)
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