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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

8 Simple Mindset Shifts to Feel Gratitude Even When Your Life Isn't Where You Want it To Be

Published November 28, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Jay Shetty explores how to practice authentic gratitude when life is not where you want it to be, emphasizing that gratitude should coexist with pain rather than deny it. He shares several mindset shifts and practical exercises, such as emotional granularity, contrast with your past self, microgratitude, embracing waiting seasons, borrowing others' joy, and thanking your past self. The episode focuses on using gratitude as a tool for resilience, self-compassion, and perspective rather than forced positivity.

Topics Covered

Gratitude Personal Development Perspective shift Mental health Happiness Mindfulness Self-talk Growth mindset Stress management Relationships

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • Gratitude is meant to sit alongside your pain, not erase it; you can acknowledge struggles and still notice what is good.
  • Using gratitude to shut down or minimize your emotions turns it into guilt and shame rather than healing.
  • Comparing yourself to others feeds envy, while comparing yourself to your past self reveals growth and fuels self-compassion.
  • Microgratitude-brief, 10-second pauses to notice something good-can help rewire your brain toward safety and calm in real time.
  • Waiting seasons are not wasted; they are root-building times like bamboo growing underground before rapid visible growth.
  • You can "borrow" gratitude by witnessing other people's joy and turning envy into information about what you truly value.
  • Writing a thank-you note to your past self strengthens self-compassion and honors the version of you that survived hard times.
  • Replacing phrases like "at least" with "and" allows you to validate both pain and gratitude without minimizing your feelings.

Podcast Notes

Introduction: Gratitude when life isn't where you want it to be

Opening idea: gratitude is contagious and sometimes must be borrowed

Jay states that gratitude is contagious and sometimes you just need to borrow it[1:35]
• He speaks to people in a season of envy, where others' joy feels like a reminder of what they lack
• He says borrowing gratitude matters most exactly when you feel that way
Gratitude isn't always something you feel directly; it can be something you witness[1:47]
• He encourages noticing someone else's joy without judgment when your own heart can't access gratitude

Podcast and host introduction

Jay introduces the show as the number one health and wellness podcast and his name is repeated in an audio tag[2:02]
He welcomes listeners back to On Purpose and introduces himself as host Jay Shetty[2:13]

Framing the problem with gratitude when life feels off

Gratitude can feel fake when life is not where you want it to be[2:36]
• He notes that you might know you "should" be thankful but your bank account, job, or relationship status make the word feel hollow
Platitudes like "be grateful for what you have" can feel like being told to smile while everything falls apart[2:58]
Episode aim: practical, thoughtful steps to understand and implement gratitude when you don't feel like it[3:04]
• He distinguishes between forced gratitude and the kind that reconnects you to yourself and helps you breathe again

Quote on gratitude and receiving more

Jay shares a favorite quote: when you're grateful for what you have, you receive more to be grateful for[3:31]
He adds that when you are grateful for what you have, you can still be grateful when you have more[3:38]
• He explains that the mind tricks us into thinking we will be thankful only after we get the promotion or life shifts
Reminder that today's life was once yesterday's dream[3:51]
• He says where you are now is what you prayed for two years ago, and current achievements may once have been unimaginable
• Because it feels familiar now, you can lose appreciation for it

Step 1: Separate gratitude from denial

Core idea: you don't have to pretend everything is okay to be grateful

Jay labels this as number one: separate gratitude from denial[4:10]
True gratitude says even though it's not fine, there's still something worth noticing[4:25]
• He emphasizes it is not pretending to avoid difficult or negative things or acting like everything is perfect
• He calls that kind of pretending lying to yourself and toxic positivity

Science on acknowledging struggle and gratitude

He cites science showing that people who acknowledge their struggles alongside gratitude have higher resilience and lower depression than those who fake positivity[4:41]
• He gives an example of saying a career is not working out while also being grateful for a great group of friends
• He stresses that this is not about counterbalancing positives and negatives but seeing both as real

Gratitude as a companion to pain, not a replacement

Many of us learned gratitude as an emotional cover-up[5:14]
• He notes that "just be grateful" can land like a slap when you are hurting
Gratitude was never meant to erase your pain; it was meant to sit beside it[5:32]
Separating gratitude from denial allows you to be both honest and hopeful[5:38]
• You can be thankful and tired, or appreciate what is good without pretending everything is good
Using gratitude to suppress feelings disconnects you from your own truth and becomes toxic[6:04]

Emotional granularity and holding multiple emotions

Psychologists call the ability to hold complex emotions at once emotional granularity[6:16]
Studies show people who can acknowledge both joy and sorrow are more resilient, less anxious, and bounce back faster from setbacks[6:20]
Gratitude isn't about pretending the storm isn't there; it's standing in the rain and still noticing that something in you is alive and learning[6:30]
• Jay describes this mindset not as denial, but as awakening

Practical language shift: "even though" statements

He suggests starting gratitude sentences with "even though"[6:57]
• Examples include: "Even though I feel lonely, I'm grateful I still have people who care" and "Even though work is stressful, I'm grateful I'm learning new skills"
This trains your mind to hold two realities at once: pain and perspective[7:10]
• He calls this balance, not denial

Noticing both challenge and growth

We tend to focus either on what is going wrong or what is going right, instead of both[7:22]
If you fake that everything is going right, a small event can easily trip you up[7:29]
If you only believe everything is going wrong, you keep digging a deeper hole[7:38]
He urges listeners to notice both challenges and growth, without expecting a perfect balance[7:52]
• He states that life is not about what happens, but about what you notice that is happening to you
• Many people choose to notice only negative, difficult things and miss the beautiful and powerful aspects of their lives

Step 2: Stop using gratitude to shut down emotion

Gratitude vs guilt and self-minimizing

Jay introduces step number two: stop using gratitude to shut down emotion[8:13]
If you say "I shouldn't feel sad, other people have it worse," he suggests pausing[8:21]
• He clarifies that this phrase is not gratitude; it is guilt in disguise
He recommends saying, "I can feel sad and still appreciate what I have"[8:31]
• This approach integrates feelings instead of disqualifying them

Permission to feel sadness without comparison

He observes that many people feel they are not allowed to feel sad[8:44]
While it is often possible to find someone worse off, he says it is not about comparing pain[8:55]
• If you only compare, you don't allow your pain to live in you, float through you, and be processed

Exercise: two-column journaling of what's hard and what's still good

He suggests writing "what's hard" and then "what's here"[9:03]
• In a journal or notes app, draw two columns with the left side labeled "what's hard right now" and the right side "what's still good right now"
Seeing both on the same page teaches the brain that gratitude coexists with struggle[9:20]
• He calls this a game changer in his life
Believing you "shouldn't" feel an emotion leads to guilt and shame[9:38]
• He warns that guilt and shame can lead to a very dark and difficult place

Language shift: replacing "at least" with "and"

He advises replacing phrases that begin with "at least"[9:47]
• An example he gives is "At least I still have a job," which he says minimizes your feelings
He suggests instead saying, "This is hard, and I'm grateful I still have a job"[10:00]
• Using "and" instead of "at least" keeps your experience whole

Principle: feel it, don't force it

If you can't feel grateful, he says not to fake it[10:13]
He recommends starting smaller by noticing one thing that doesn't hurt today[10:18]
• Examples include a warm shower, breathing, or a favorite song
He defines gratitude not as a performance but as presence[10:28]
• When gratitude is used as a mask, it numbs you; when used as medicine, it nourishes you
• With this approach, you stop pretending your life is perfect and start realizing it is real

Way 2: Start with what stayed

Shifting focus from what was lost to what remained

Jay introduces "way number two" as starting with what stayed when life falls apart[10:46]
We usually focus on everything that was lost, changed, or disappeared[10:49]
He suggests asking who checked on you or what part of yourself showed up when everything else fell away[10:59]

Noticing what stayed after loss

Our minds go straight to what is missing: the job lost, the person who left, or the dream that did not happen[11:03]
He points out that we rarely ask "what stayed"[11:15]
Examples of what may have stayed include a best friend, a morning walk, a sense of humor, faith, or inner strength[11:23]
• Gratitude does not mean ignoring loss but anchoring to what is still present
Focusing on what stayed reminds you that not everything was taken[11:45]
• He says each loss also shows you what cannot be taken and what is real
The strongest people recognize what stayed and who is still around when others left[12:06]
• They realize those people and qualities were all they ever truly had

Exercise: list three things that did not leave

He encourages writing down three things that did not leave you this year[12:26]
• These could be a friend, a habit, a value, or anything else that remained
He describes that list as your real foundation[12:34]

Step 3: Gratitude through contrast and comparing with your past self

Gratitude for what is better, not just what is perfect

Jay names step number three as gratitude through contrast[12:37]
He says you don't need to be grateful for what is perfect, only for what is better than before[12:41]
We often look sideways at others' highlight reels instead of looking back at ourselves[12:49]
• He asserts that gratitude does not grow when you look at others but when you look at your past self

Comparison with others vs comparison with your past self

Comparison to others triggers envy and scarcity[13:03]
Comparing yourself to your past self reveals evidence of growth[13:36]
• He uses a mountain hiking analogy: looking at people ahead makes you feel despondent and critical
• Looking back at how far you have come makes you feel inspired and motivated
He advises stopping comparison to others and, if you must compare, to compare only to a past version of yourself[13:47]
Comparing yourself to others distracts you; comparing yourself to where you were motivates you[13:36]

Recognizing former prayers and past chaos

He says things you take for granted now were once things you prayed for[13:56]
Calm you feel today used to be chaos, and strength you have now was once survival mode[14:01]
When you compare yourself to yourself, gratitude becomes self-compassion instead of competition[14:12]

Question to ask when you feel behind

When you think you're behind, he suggests asking, "Am I further along than I was?"[14:19]
If the answer is yes, even slightly, that is something to thank yourself for[14:27]
Gratitude is not about being ahead of anyone but recognizing you are not who you used to be[14:32]
He says you don't need a new life to feel grateful, only a new lens to see how far you have come[14:39]

Pain plus reflection equals progress

Jay quotes Ray Dalio: "Pain plus reflection equals progress"[14:46]
He emphasizes that reflecting on your pain builds resilience[14:52]
He reminds listeners that they have been through and done many difficult things[14:59]
• Recognizing and reflecting on those experiences gives you more energy for future challenges

Avoiding other people's timelines

If you compare yourself to everyone else's timeline, you will always feel behind[15:10]
If you compare yourself to where you were, you will always feel ahead[15:16]
He advises against comparing yourself to people who have their own pace[15:20]
Comparing your life to someone else's makes you doubt blessings you once prayed for[15:23]
Everyone is ahead in something and behind in something else[15:33]
Comparison makes you chase timelines that were never meant for you[16:55]
You don't need to catch up; you need to come back to your own pace, story, and timing[16:33]
He says most people are not doing better than you; they are just posting faster[17:24]

Step 4: Microgratitude and the 10-second pause

Concept of microgratitude

Jay calls step four "microgratitude" and describes a 10-second pause[19:07]
Instead of journaling pages of gratitude lists, he suggests brief pauses throughout your day[19:24]
During these pauses, say to yourself, "Something good is happening right now"[19:31]
• Examples include the coffee aroma, sound of laughter, or sunlight through your window

Neurological impact of microgratitude

He says this habit neurologically rewires your amygdala, the brain's fear center, to recognize safety cues[19:41]
This is how gratitude can calm anxiety in real time[19:44]

Embodied gratitude vs thinking about gratitude

He instructs listeners to feel gratitude in their body, not just think it in their head[19:49]
Thinking about gratitude does not change you as much as feeling it does[19:54]
When recalling a moment you're thankful for, he advises breathing and noticing where you feel it physically[19:57]
• He mentions sensations like warmth in your chest, softness in your jaw, or ease in your shoulders
He cites Harvard research showing that embodied gratitude triggers oxytocin release, the connection hormone[20:09]
• He likens this to giving your nervous system a hug

Waiting seasons and the bamboo roots metaphor

Reframing waiting seasons

Jay encourages reframing the waiting season when life is not where you want it to be[20:18]
He observes that growth seasons rarely look glamorous[20:24]

Bamboo and foundation analogies

He explains that bamboo spends five years growing roots underground before breaking the surface[20:29]
He tells listeners they are not behind; they are building underneath[21:06]
Gratitude in this phase means thanking the roots, not the flowers[20:38]
He compares waiting seasons to feeling stuck while others are moving forward in career or relationships[21:02]
He reassures that waiting seasons aren't wasted; they are preparing you[21:02]
He notes that the bamboo plant grows invisible roots for years before shooting up 90 feet in weeks[21:12]
Waiting seasons deepen roots in patience, humility, trust, and character[21:31]
What looks like delay is often design and growth in a different direction[21:35]
He uses a building foundation analogy: people admire visible aesthetics but ignore the foundation that makes the building possible[21:52]
• Without the foundation, the building does not exist

Question: who are you becoming while you wait?

He suggests instead of asking why something isn't happening yet, ask who you are becoming while you wait[21:59]
He says that one day doors will open, and the person you've become in the quiet will make you ready to walk through them[22:07]
He urges listeners not to feel behind because they think someone else is ahead[22:15]
He emphasizes you are not in the same race or on the same track as others[22:54]
He states that nobody is really ahead; they are just in a different chapter learning a different lesson[22:30]
He contrasts others whose lesson may be about arrival with yours, which may be about becoming[22:34]
He notes some people bloom in their 20s and others in their 40s, some find love early and others find themselves first[22:46]
He concludes that life doesn't reward the fastest; it rewards the most faithful[22:56]

Step 7: Borrow gratitude when you can't find your own

Witnessing others' joy as borrowed gratitude

Jay presents step number seven: borrow gratitude when you can't find your own[23:02]
If you can't feel grateful for your own life, he advises witnessing someone else's joy[23:08]
• Examples: watching a kid play, an old couple laugh, or a friend achieve something, and letting yourself smile for them

Research on observing gratitude

He cites Emory University research finding that observing someone else's gratitude activates the same brain regions as feeling it yourself[23:24]
He repeats that gratitude is contagious and that sometimes you just need to borrow it[23:31]

From envy to witnessing beauty

He talks about seasons of envy where others' joy highlights what you don't have[23:33]
He reiterates that in such times, borrowing gratitude matters most[23:39]
Gratitude can be something you witness when you cannot feel it for yourself[23:45]
He suggests watching a child laugh uncontrollably, a friend get engaged, or a stranger dance freely[24:02]
Instead of tightening with envy, he suggests quietly whispering "that's beautiful" to yourself[24:05]
• You don't need to feel joy for yourself yet; you can start by feeling it for them

Turning envy into information and proxy gratitude

He recommends turning envy into information by asking what their happiness shows you about what you truly desire[24:22]
He says envy is not proof you're ungrateful; it's a compass pointing to something meaningful[24:26]
After naming what you desire, such as love, recognition, freedom, or purpose, you can thank life for revealing what you value[24:32]
He describes "proxy gratitude": when you can't say "I'm happy for me," say "I'm happy for them"[24:45]
Over time, celebrating others builds emotional muscle memory and opens your own heart[24:47]
He stresses that joy is not a limited resource but a shared current[24:59]
Borrowing someone else's gratitude is not stealing it; it's learning how to feel again[25:01]

Being happy for others when you're losing

He says being happy for someone when you're winning is easy[25:07]
The real test is being happy for someone when you're losing[25:37]
In those times, envy whispers that life is unfair and that their moment took yours[25:26]
He explains that another person's light doesn't dim yours; it shows where your wounds need healing[25:30]
Being happy for someone while you're hurting isn't pretending you're fine; it's saying you're proud of them despite your pain[25:37]
• He calls this emotional maturity and strength

Step 8: Thank the version of you that survived

Self-compassion recall and thanking your past self

Jay introduces step number eight: thank the version of you that survived[26:39]
He suggests writing a thank-you note to your past self who kept going when it was hard[25:56]
He says neuroscientists call this the self-compassion recall[26:01]
He notes that it activates the medial prefrontal cortex and increases emotional regulation and self-worth[26:06]

Recognizing the version of you who endured

He observes that many people try to move on from their past without thanking the person who got them through it[26:36]
He describes the past self as the one who stayed up worrying but still went to work, loved people who didn't love back, and held things together without recognition[26:25]
That version wasn't perfect but was powerful, and without them you wouldn't be here[26:32]
Thanking the version of you who survived is not self-indulgence but self-respect[26:44]
It is saying they did the best they could with what they had, and that was enough[27:19]

Honoring past self as foundation of present self

He notes that most people skip this step and rush to become wiser, calmer, and more healed[26:54]
He says the you who endured is the foundation of the you who is evolving[28:01]
He instructs listeners to thank the version of themselves who got out of bed when they didn't want to and went to work with a broken heart[29:10]
He also mentions thanking the version who didn't have answers but kept going, who made decisions they weren't proud of but did their best, and who stayed kind when life wasn't[27:24]
He says you don't have to hate who you were just because you've grown[28:45]
That version of you wasn't weak; they were doing what it took to survive[28:45]
You don't owe your past self judgment; you owe them gratitude[28:30]
Without them you wouldn't be here trying again, healing, rebuilding, and becoming[28:58]

Closing encouragement and gratitude practice challenge

Hopes for listeners

Jay says he hopes this episode inspires listeners with gratitude[27:48]
He wants them to find meaning, create more memories to be grateful for, and share gratitude with others[27:53]

Seven-day gratitude sharing challenge

He challenges listeners to choose one person personally and one person professionally for the next seven days to share gratitude with[28:05]
He tells them not to keep gratitude only in journals or pages but to share it with real people and observe how life changes[28:11]

Affirmation of support and closing

He thanks listeners for spending time with him[28:17]
He affirms that he is forever in their corner and always rooting for them[28:19]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Gratitude is not meant to erase or deny your pain; it is most powerful when it sits beside your difficult emotions and allows you to hold both truth and hope at the same time.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life am I pretending everything is fine instead of allowing gratitude and pain to coexist?
  • • How could using "even though" statements help me acknowledge both my struggles and the things I appreciate today?
  • • What is one situation this week where I will consciously name both what hurts and what I'm grateful for in the same sentence?
2

Using gratitude to minimize or shut down your feelings turns it into guilt and shame; real gratitude validates your emotions while expanding your perspective.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When do I catch myself saying things like "I shouldn't feel this way, others have it worse" and how does that affect me?
  • • How might replacing "at least" with "and" change the way I talk to myself about something that is hard right now?
  • • What is one emotional challenge I can journal about in two columns-"what's hard" and "what's still good"-to practice integrated gratitude?
3

Comparing yourself to others fuels envy and a sense of being behind, while comparing yourself to your past self reveals evidence of growth and builds self-compassion.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In which areas of my life do I most often compare myself to others instead of to my earlier self?
  • • How could regularly asking "Am I further along than I was?" shift my mindset about my progress over the next month?
  • • What are three things in my life today that I once prayed for or could barely imagine having, and how can I honor that progress?
4

Waiting seasons are not wasted time; they are root-building phases where your character, patience, and inner foundation grow in ways that may not be visible yet.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life do I feel like I'm in a waiting season, and what "roots" might be growing underneath that I haven't acknowledged?
  • • How could viewing this period as preparation rather than punishment change the way I show up each day?
  • • What is one practical way I can invest in who I am becoming while I wait for a particular outcome?
5

You can "borrow" gratitude by genuinely celebrating others' joy and turning envy into information about what you truly value, which gradually reopens your own capacity for joy.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Whose success or happiness has recently triggered envy in me, and what does that reveal about what I deeply desire?
  • • How might consciously saying "that's beautiful" and "I'm happy for them" change my emotional response the next time I see someone else win?
  • • What is one specific situation this week where I can practice proxy gratitude by celebrating someone else even if I'm struggling?
6

Thanking the version of you that survived hard seasons builds self-compassion and reminds you that your current growth is built on the courage and effort of your past self.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which past version of me (age, season, or situation) most deserves a thank-you for getting me through something difficult?
  • • How would my self-talk change if I viewed my past decisions as the best I could do with what I knew then, rather than as failures?
  • • What is one concrete way I can honor my past self this week-through a letter, a ritual, or a small act of kindness toward myself?

Episode Summary - Notes by Reagan

8 Simple Mindset Shifts to Feel Gratitude Even When Your Life Isn't Where You Want it To Be
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