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Huberman Lab

Essentials: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in the Short & Long Term | Dr. David Buss

with David Buss

Published October 2, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Andrew Huberman interviews evolutionary psychologist David Buss about how Darwin's theory of sexual selection explains human mate choice and the different criteria men and women use for short-term versus long-term relationships. They discuss universal and sex-differentiated mate preferences, deception in dating, jealousy and mate guarding, dark triad personalities, stalking, attachment styles, and how people assess mate value in themselves and others. Buss also describes his major books on human mating and sexual conflict.

Topics Covered

Attraction and mate selection Romantic relationships Relationships Attachment and bonding Status and power dynamics Criminal psychology Jealousy Dark triad personality traits Stalking Sex differences in psychology

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Quick Takeaways

  • Darwin's sexual selection theory, through intrasexual competition and preferential mate choice, provides a powerful framework for understanding human mating behavior.
  • In long-term relationships, both sexes value traits like kindness, intelligence, and dependability, but women more strongly prioritize resource acquisition and men more strongly prioritize physical attractiveness and youth.
  • Short-term mating shifts priorities: women place more emphasis on male appearance and "bad boy" traits, while men tend to lower their standards for physical attractiveness when the commitment and risk are low.
  • Deception in modern dating, especially online, is common and patterned around embodying what the target mate is known to prefer, including curated photos and misrepresentation of intentions.
  • Jealousy functions as an evolved mate-guarding and mate-retention emotion that gets activated by threats such as potential infidelity, emotional distance, mate poachers, and emerging mate-value discrepancies.
  • A minority of individuals high in narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy (the dark triad) are disproportionately responsible for sexual deception, harassment, coercion, and related harms.
  • Stalking is often motivated by mating goals-either trying to re-establish a relationship or block a partner's future mating-and is mainly perpetrated by lower-mate-value men against higher-mate-value women.
  • Attachment styles (secure, avoidant, anxious) likely influence relationship stability, infidelity risk, and the "relationship load" partners impose on each other.
  • People tend to have a reasonably accurate intuitive sense of their own and others' mate value, guided partly by self-esteem and by cues like how much attention someone receives from others.
  • Buss's books synthesize research on mating strategies and sexual conflict, from mate preferences and attraction tactics to conflict, violence, harassment, and coping with breakups.

Podcast Notes

Introduction and framing of the conversation

Huberman Lab Essentials context and guest introduction

Series purpose and host identity[0:00]
• Huberman Lab Essentials revisits past episodes to extract potent, actionable, science-based tools for mental and physical health and performance.
• Andrew Huberman identifies himself as a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine.
Transition to conversation with David Buss[0:17]
• Huberman cues the start of his conversation with Dr. David Buss.

Opening question about mate choice

Initial question on how people select mates[0:23]
• Huberman asks Buss to orient listeners to mate choice and the primary criteria men and women use to select both transient and lifetime mates.
Distinction between long-term and short-term mating[0:47]
• Buss emphasizes that what people look for in a long-term committed relationship (e.g., marriage) differs from what they seek in a hookup.

Theoretical framework: Darwin's sexual selection and mate choice

Darwin's theory of sexual selection

Sexual vs survival selection[1:08]
• Buss traces mate choice theory to Darwin's sexual selection, which concerns evolution of traits due to mating advantage rather than survival advantage.
Two causal processes of sexual selection[1:18]
• First process: intrasexual competition, where same-sex battles lead to certain qualities being passed on in greater numbers.
• Qualities linked to winning contests increase in frequency over time, producing evolutionary change.
• Buss notes this logic generalizes in humans to competition for position and status hierarchies.
• Second process: preferential mate choice, where consensual preferences for certain traits give those traits a mating advantage.

Logic of preferential mate choice

Consensus preferences and mating advantage[2:22]
• If members of one sex agree on desired qualities, individuals of the opposite sex who possess them gain a mating advantage.
• Those lacking desired qualities may be banished, shunned, ignored, or, in the modern environment, become incels.
Heritability and increasing frequency of preferred traits[2:43]
• If desired qualities have a heritable basis, their frequency increases over time.
Interplay between preferences and competition[2:52]
• In humans, mate preferences of one sex set the ground rules for competition in the opposite sex.
• Buss gives a hypothetical: if women prefer men able and willing to devote resources, this drives competition among men for resource acquisition and displays of willingness to commit.

Universal and sex-differentiated mate preferences in long-term relationships

Large cross-cultural study of mate preferences

Study design and replication[3:36]
• Buss describes a large-scale study he conducted of 37 different cultures examining what men and women want in a long-term mate.
• He notes that the findings have been replicated by other researchers.
Three clusters of desired traits[3:45]
• Cluster 1: qualities both men and women want in a long-term mate.
• Cluster 2: sex-differentiated qualities where women prefer some traits more than men or vice versa.
• Cluster 3: attributes that are highly variable across cultures in perceived desirability or indispensability.

Universal desires in long-term mates

Traits valued by both sexes[4:07]
• Men and women everywhere value intelligence, kindness, mutual attraction and love, good health, dependability, and emotional stability in long-term mates.
• Buss notes a small sex difference in emotional stability, with women preferring it slightly more than men.

Sex differences: women's long-term mate preferences

Resource-related traits[4:52]
• Women more than men prioritize good earning capacity and a slightly older age in long-term partners.
• They also value qualities associated with resource acquisition, such as social status, drive, and ambition.
Long-term resource trajectory and attention structure[5:03]
• Buss emphasizes that women often assess a man's long-term resource trajectory rather than his current resources.
• Women pay attention to the "attention structure"-who is high status by virtue of receiving the most attention from others.
• They also evaluate whether a man works hard, is ambitious, has clear goals, or is in an existential crisis about his life direction.
Mate choice copying in women[5:44]
• Women use a heuristic called mate choice copying, where a man's attractiveness is boosted if he is seen with other women.
• Buss cites studies where women judge an identical man more attractive when pictured with an attractive woman or two women compared to alone.
Evolutionary rationale for women's preferences[6:02]
• He explains these preferences in light of reproductive asymmetry: fertilization is internal to women, and they bear the metabolic and opportunity costs of pregnancy.
• Because the costs of a bad mate choice are higher for women and the benefits of a wise choice are greater, it is reasonable that women prioritize these traits.

Sex differences: men's long-term mate preferences

Importance of physical attractiveness[6:58]
• Men, more than women, value physical attractiveness in long-term mates.
• Physical appearance signals health and, for men, provides information about a woman's fertility and reproductive value.
Cues of female attractiveness[7:24]
• Buss lists cues men find attractive: clear skin, clear eyes, symmetrical features, low waist-to-hip ratio, full lips, and lustrous hair.
• These cues are associated with youth and health and have become part of our evolved standard of attractiveness.
Men's age preferences and large sex difference[8:12]
• Age preference is one of the largest sex differences: women prefer somewhat older men and men prefer somewhat younger women.
• Buss gives examples: a 25-year-old man might prefer a woman around 20 or early 20s; a 35-year-old man might prefer a woman in her late 20s or early 30s; a 50-year-old man might prefer a woman around 35-38.
• He notes that if age gaps get too large, partners may effectively belong to different cultures and not understand each other.

Deception, online dating, and short-term versus long-term sexual partner preferences

Patterns of deception in mate selection

Prevalence and logic of deception[10:32]
• Buss states that both men and women deceive in mating contexts, particularly in modern online dating environments.
• Lies are patterned: people deceive in ways that attempt to embody the mate preferences of the person they are trying to attract.
Manipulation of visual self-presentation[11:17]
• Both sexes post photos that are not truly representative, such as using younger photos or carefully chosen angles.
• There are even advice tips on how to take the best selfie angle to maximally enhance appearance.
Dominance of photographs in online dating[10:48]
• In internet dating, the photograph tends to overwhelm other cues; other cues are written statements, which humans were not evolved to process in mating contexts.
• Humans evolved to respond to physical cues, and men attend to visual cues more than women.

Women's additional sensory cues in mate selection

Olfactory and auditory information[11:50]
• Women use olfactory cues (smell) and auditory cues (vocal qualities) in evaluating mates.
• If a man does not smell right to a woman, this can be a deal breaker even if he otherwise embodies desired traits.
Recommendation to meet in person[12:16]
• Buss suggests people should stop with extended messaging and meet in person for a cup of coffee to access richer cues.
Assessing deeper traits like emotional stability[12:24]
• Some crucial traits, such as emotional stability, cannot be fully assessed in a brief interaction.
• He recommends going on a trip or vacation in an unfamiliar environment to see how a partner responds to stress, a hallmark of emotional (in)stability.

Deception about relationship intentions

Misrepresentation of long-term vs short-term goals[13:03]
• Buss identifies deception about whether one is interested in a long-term committed relationship or merely a short-term hookup as a key form of lying.
Ineffectiveness of overt short-term propositions[13:10]
• He notes that overt displays like "I just want to have sex right now" are very ineffective tactics.
Men's strategy of exaggerating similarity and alignment[13:16]
• Studies of deception show that men tend to exaggerate how similar they are to women in values, religion, and politics.
• Buss suggests this is likely an evolutionarily recurrent pattern of deception, and women have defenses against it.

Differences in preferences for sexual partners vs long-term mates

Overlap and key differences[13:58]
• Buss says there is overlap between preferences for a sex partner and for a long-term mate, but also important differences.
Women's short-term preferences[14:05]
• Physical appearance becomes more important for women in short-term mating contexts.
• Women are more likely to prioritize "bad-boy" qualities in short-term mating-men who are a little arrogant and risk-taking.
• In long-term mating, by contrast, women seek "good dad" qualities such as dependability and potential as a good father.
• Women also rely on mate-copying more in short-term mating, being attracted to men whom many other women find attractive.
Men's short-term preferences[14:22]
• Physical appearance remains important for men in short-term mating.
• However, men are more willing to lower their standards for physical attractiveness in short-term, low-commitment, low-risk sexual encounters.
Context sensitivity of women's versus men's attraction[15:29]
• Buss argues that women's attraction to men is more circumstance-dependent, influenced by status, number of women attracted to him, attention structure, and even how he interacts with a puppy.
• For men, context is more irrelevant; they focus on specific psychophysical cues displayed by women regardless of the surrounding context.

Jealousy and mate guarding in long-term relationships

Definition and adaptive functions of jealousy

Jealousy as an evolved emotion[17:45]
• Buss defines jealousy as an evolved emotion that serves several adaptive functions once long-term mating exists.
Mate-guarding and mate-retention roles[18:02]
• Jealousy functions to preserve the investment one has made and is making in a long-term mateship.
• It gets activated when there are threats to the romantic relationship.

Sources of threats that trigger jealousy

Cues of infidelity and emotional distance[18:17]
• Threats include detecting cues of a partner's infidelity or cues of emotional distance and lack of understanding.
Mate poachers and desirability of partner[18:31]
• Another threat comes from interested mate poachers; if one is mated to a desirable person, others will still desire them.
• Jealousy motivates attention to potential mate poachers.
Mate-value discrepancies within relationships[19:42]
• Even without poachers or infidelity cues, jealousy can be triggered when a mate-value discrepancy opens up (e.g., "he's not good enough for you").
• Discrepancies can arise when one partner is fired or when a career takes off (e.g., becoming a famous singer or actor), expanding access to higher mate-value partners.
• The higher mate-value partner is statistically more likely to have an affair or to leave and "trade up" in the mating market.

Behavioral responses to jealousy

Range from vigilance to violence[20:19]
• Buss describes behaviors ranging from vigilance to violence in response to jealousy.
• Vigilance includes stalking-like monitoring, following a partner, hacking into phones or computers, and monitoring mate poachers.
• It can also involve scrutinizing eye contact between other men and one's partner.
• At the extreme is violence; Buss notes that about 28-30% of married people in America will experience intimate partner violence.

Dark triad traits and sexual deception

Definition and components of the dark triad

Three personality characteristics[21:10]
• The dark triad consists of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.
• Combining these traits produces individuals Buss describes as "very bad dudes."
Sex difference in dark triad traits[21:28]
• Men tend to score higher on dark triad traits than women.

Mating-related behaviors of dark triad individuals

Sexual deception and seduction[21:46]
• Men high in dark triad traits are often very charming and skilled at seducing women and then abandoning them.
• They are good at the "art of seduction" but exploit it for deceptive purposes.
Sexual harassment and coercion[22:07]
• These individuals tend to be serial sexual harassers and sexual coercers.
Deadly combination with short-term mating strategy[21:57]
• When dark triad traits are combined with a strong dispositional pursuit of a short-term mating strategy, Buss calls it an especially deadly combination.
• A subset of men, characterized by these traits, commit the vast majority of acts of sexual violence.

Stalking and its mating motivations

Motivations behind stalking

Mating-related motives[21:57]
• Buss notes that stalking has multiple motivations, but one of the most frequent is mating motivated.
• A common scenario is when a woman ends a relationship and the man wants to maintain or re-establish it.
Sex difference in criminal stalking[22:54]
• In criminal stalking, about 80% of stalkers are men and about 20% are women.
• There are women stalkers, but they are about a quarter as numerous as male stalkers.
Goals of male stalkers[23:01]
• Men's stalking motivations include trying to get back together sexually or romantically and/or interfering with the woman's future mating prospects.

Effectiveness and mate-value dynamics in stalking

Ways stalking can "work"[23:27]
• Buss says stalking can work in the sense that it interferes with the victim's remating attempts by scaring off new suitors.
• Example: a new date arrives to pick up a woman and finds the ex-partner sitting outside glaring, which can deter the new partner.
Mate-value discrepancy as a driver[23:50]
• Buss suggests stalking often arises in circumstances where there is a mate-value discrepancy: the man correctly realizes he cannot replace her with a partner of equivalent mate value.
• In some cases, the man may feel he cannot replace her with any mate at all and views stalking as a last-ditch effort.
Study of stalking victims[24:11]
• Buss describes a study of 2,500 victims of stalking conducted with Josh Duntley.
• They found large differences in mate value between stalker and victim: stalkers tended to be much lower in mate value.
• Typically, the woman realizes she can do better in the mating market, while the man realizes he is unlikely to replace her with a woman of equivalent mate value.
• Stalking is characterized as a last-ditch, desperate measure to try to get her back, and Buss notes that occasionally it works.

Attachment styles, mate value, and relationship stability

Attachment styles and long-term partnership

Secure attachment[27:05]
• Buss offers informed speculation that if both partners have a secure attachment style, this is conducive to a long-term mateship.
Avoidant and anxious attachment[27:12]
• Avoidant individuals tend to have more difficulty with intimacy and a higher probability of infidelity.
• Anxious attachment can create problems of its own, such as being overly clingy and dependent.
• Buss introduces the idea of "high relationship load"-the baggage someone brings to a relationship that can burden the partner.

Understanding selection, security, and mate value

Common human themes in mate choice[27:53]
• Huberman summarizes that people want to feel attractive and attracted and want relationship stability.
Power of mate value assessment[28:12]
• Huberman highlights mate value as a powerful concept in understanding attraction and stability.
Dynamic nature of securing a relationship[28:30]
• He notes that securing a relationship is dynamic because people age at different rates and change over time.

Self-assessment of mate value

General accuracy of self-assessment[29:03]
• Buss believes people are generally pretty good at self-assessing their mate value.
Self-esteem as internal monitor[29:10]
• Self-esteem has been hypothesized to serve as an internal monitoring device that tracks mate value.
• Examples: promotions, rising sales, and status increases elevate self-esteem; being fired, rejected, or ostracized lowers it.
Over- and underestimation of mate value[29:38]
• Some individuals, especially those high in narcissism, overestimate their mate value.
• Others underestimate their mate value.

Consensual and individual components of mate value

Consensual mate value[30:02]
• There is a consensual component: if you ask a group of people, they show considerable agreement that one person is, say, an "eight" and another a "six."
Individually differentiated mate value[30:22]
• There are also individual differences: for example, if one person likes football and another thinks sports are stupid, their assessment of a sports fan's mate value will differ.
• These individual components are beneficial because if everyone pursued exactly the same people, many would end up mateless and dissatisfied.
Lack of precise scientific measures[30:45]
• Buss says there are no good, precise scientific measures for accurately assessing mate value because it is complex.
Attention structure as cue to mate value[31:15]
• People have good intuitive senses of relative mate value, especially in groups where they can observe interactions over time.
• One indicator is again the attention structure-how many people want to mate with a given person.

Integration of evolutionary psychology and neuroscience

Convergence of fields

Huberman's view on convergence[31:15]
• Huberman says he feels neuroscience and evolutionary psychology are nudging toward one another.
Buss's perspective on integration[31:44]
• Buss agrees and thinks integration is starting and will continue, because neuroscience explains underlying mechanisms of evolved processes.
• He notes that evolutionary perspectives contribute evolved function and ultimate explanations (selective forces, functions of adaptations), while neuroscience reveals the machinery in which these mechanisms are instantiated.

David Buss's books and further resources on human mating

Most recent book: When Men Behave Badly

Scope and themes[32:06]
• Buss's most recent book is titled "When Men Behave Badly, The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault."
• It deals with sexual conflict between the sexes, including mating-market conflicts like deception in internet dating.
• It also covers conflict within mating relationships: financial infidelity, emotional infidelity, sexual infidelity, and coping with conflict.
• The book includes suggestions for strategies to cope with conflict and the aftermath of breakups, especially when one person wants to break up and the other does not.
• Buss also discusses darker aspects such as intimate partner violence, stalking, sexual harassment, and sexual coercion.
• He says the book helps explain otherwise baffling phenomena, like why men and women seem at odds and why recurrent forms of sexual conflict occur.

Earlier book: The Evolution of Desire

Broad overview of human mating strategies[33:59]
• His first book, "The Evolution of Desire, Strategies of Human Mating," has been revised multiple times.
• It provides a broad overview of what people want in a mate, tactics of attraction, tactics of mate retention, serial mating, and causes of divorce.

Textbook: Evolutionary Psychology, The New Science of the Mind

Most widely used textbook in the field[34:33]
• Buss has a textbook titled "Evolutionary Psychology, The New Science of the Mind," in its sixth edition.
• He says it is the most widely used textbook in evolutionary psychology in North America and Europe and has been translated into languages including Arabic.
Breadth of topics covered[34:58]
• The textbook covers mating but also survival problems, evolved fears and phobias, kin and family issues, friendships, social and status hierarchies, warfare, and other topics.

Relative breadth of Buss's works

Hierarchy of scope[34:44]
• Buss characterizes the evolutionary psychology textbook as the broadest work.
• He views "The Evolution of Desire" as the second broadest, focusing specifically on human mating strategies.
• "When Men Behave Badly" is positioned as a focused exploration of conflict between the sexes.

Closing appreciation

Huberman's praise and thanks[35:09]
• Huberman expresses that he loves Buss's work and is grateful for its clarity, depth, and rigor.
• He says the conversation has been tremendously informative and thanks Buss on behalf of listeners.

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Human attraction and partner choice are not arbitrary; they follow evolved principles like sexual selection, where preferences and competition shape which traits become common in a population.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What traits do I consistently find myself attracted to, and how might those reflect deeper functional needs rather than surface-level tastes?
  • • How could recognizing the role of competition and preference in my social environment change the way I think about dating or partnership opportunities?
  • • What is one specific trait I value in others that I could also develop more intentionally in myself to improve my own attractiveness and effectiveness?
2

Long-term relationship success depends heavily on deeper traits-such as emotional stability, dependability, and resource trajectory-so early dating should include situations that reveal these under stress, not just casual or text-based interactions.

Reflection Questions:

  • • How well do my current dating habits (e.g., texting, short meetups) actually reveal how someone behaves under stress or over time?
  • • In what ways might arranging more substantive shared experiences (like trips or projects) change my understanding of a potential partner's stability and reliability?
  • • What concrete scenario could I plan in the next month that would allow me to see how a current or potential partner handles unpredictability or pressure?
3

Deception in dating is common and patterned, so paying attention to mismatches between words and behavior-especially around intentions and values-is essential for protecting yourself from exploitation.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my current or past relationships have I noticed a gap between what someone said they wanted and how they actually behaved?
  • • How might I adjust my own screening process to put more weight on consistent actions over polished profiles or persuasive language?
  • • What is one boundary or verification step I could introduce (e.g., meeting sooner in person, watching behavior over time) to reduce my vulnerability to misrepresentation?
4

Jealousy and mate guarding, while often uncomfortable, can be informative signals about perceived threats or mate-value discrepancies, and are best addressed by examining underlying causes rather than only suppressing the feeling.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When I feel jealous, what specific threat do I perceive-potential infidelity, emotional distance, or a shift in comparative mate value?
  • • How could I open a constructive conversation with my partner about those underlying issues instead of reacting only to the surface emotion?
  • • What proactive steps could I take (personally or within the relationship) to reduce the real vulnerabilities that my jealousy might be pointing to?
5

Accurately gauging your own mate value-through honest feedback, observing others' responses, and tracking changes in your life circumstances-can help you make more realistic, satisfying choices in partners and expectations.

Reflection Questions:

  • • How does my self-esteem fluctuate with changes in my work, social status, or health, and what might that be telling me about my perceived mate value?
  • • In what ways could I solicit more honest input from trusted friends about how others likely see me as a partner?
  • • What is one targeted improvement (e.g., career development, health, reliability, social skills) I could commit to that would meaningfully increase my long-term value as a partner?

Episode Summary - Notes by Blake

Essentials: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in the Short & Long Term | Dr. David Buss
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