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TED Talks Daily

TED Talks Daily Book Club: Essential questions to ask your future self | Meg Jay (re-release)

with Meg Jay

Published October 12, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Elise Hu introduces a re-released TED Membership conversation featuring clinical psychologist Meg Jay on the concept of the empathy gap between our present and future selves. In her talk, Jay explains how difficulty imagining our future selves can lead us to neglect long-term well-being, and she offers practical questions and thought exercises to build a connection with who we will be at around age 35. She then speaks with Whitney Pennington-Rogers about how these ideas apply not only to people in their 20s but at any stage of life, and how to turn a one-time reflection into an ongoing practice.

Topics Covered

Personal Development Perspective shift Goal setting Identity Relationships Career transitions Happiness Mental health Journaling

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Quick Takeaways

  • Meg Jay argues that an "empathy gap" toward our future selves makes it hard to care for our long-term well-being, much like it can be hard to care about strangers.
  • She notes that there are no universally "right" answers about where to live, work, or whom to partner with-only personal answers that fit your own values.
  • Research suggests our brains treat future selves like strangers, but deliberately imagining and specifying your future at around age 35 can narrow that gap.
  • Jay encourages people to visualize details of their future life-work, relationships, children, happiness, and health-and then reverse engineer from that vision.
  • A key question she recommends is: if you are in a job, relationship, or situation you would not want to be in five years from now, how much longer will you stay in it.
  • She emphasizes that conversations with your future self are useful at any age, not just in your twenties, and can cover careers, relationships, and later-life goals.
  • To make this work, Jay suggests writing things down, setting a schedule to revisit your goals, and creating some accountability through check-ins or sharing with others.
  • Ongoing reflection with your future self helps turn vague worries into concrete plans and keeps you aligned with what you say you want over time.

Podcast Notes

Show introduction and book club context

TED Talks Daily format and host introduction

Elise Hu introduces TED Talks Daily as a show bringing new ideas to spark curiosity every day[2:42]
She identifies herself as the host, Elise Hu[2:44]

TED Talks Daily book club series

Once a month, Elise sits down with TED speakers who have new books out to talk about their work and their big ideas[2:53]
A few times a year, these conversations are hosted live for the TED membership community[3:00]

Current book club focus and connection to this replayed talk

Elise mentions an upcoming live event with author and TEDx speaker Oliver Berkman[3:06]
She shares that she is hosting a virtual read-along of his book "Meditations for Mortals: four weeks to embrace your limitations and make time for what counts"[3:13]
Reading this book makes her think of talks and conversations about embracing who we are, what we want to be, and making the most of our time[3:47]
To align with week one of the virtual read-along, they are sharing an archive TED Membership conversation from 2021 featuring Meg Jay[4:03]

Meg Jay's talk: Closing the empathy gap with your future self

Defining the empathy gap

Meg Jay opens by stating that "we need to talk about the empathy gap"[4:17]
She explains that empathy is why we sometimes dislike or "hate on" people on the other end of the political spectrum[4:26]
• She frames empathy as a factor in how we respond to people who are different from us politically
She notes it can explain why we may shrug our shoulders at problems of people who look, live, or love differently than we do[4:36]
• Empathy gap applies to differences in appearance, lifestyle, and romantic choices
Jay adds that this empathy gap is part of why we almost certainly are not doing enough to protect children and grandchildren from climate change[4:39]
• She highlights difficulty caring about people who do not yet exist as a consequence of this gap
She summarizes that it can be difficult to care about people we do not know or to do right by people who do not yet exist[4:48]

Applying the empathy gap to our own lives

Jay asks what if the same empathy gap also gets in the way of doing right by ourselves in our 20s and beyond[4:59]
She clarifies that everything she is about to discuss also applies to people who are well beyond their 20s[5:09]
• Although her specialization is 20-somethings, she explicitly broadens the relevance to all ages

Background: Why our 20s matter and how thinking has shifted

In 2013, Meg Jay gave a talk about why our 20s matter[5:12]
Nearly 10 years later, she is still a clinical psychologist who specializes in 20-somethings[5:19]
She observes that 20-somethings she sees these days already know their 20s matter[5:26]
• Current clients are not indifferent; they want to "get them right"
They want to move to the right city, take the right job, find the right partner, and have the right answers[5:29]

Large world problems and the myth of the "right" answer

Jay states that the bad news is there are no right answers for where you should live, work, or how you should settle down[5:43]
She introduces the term "large world problems" for such questions because there are too many unknowns[5:46]
• Examples of large world problems include life choices around place, career, and relationships
No app, algorithm, or Enneagram can ever solve these problems or answer these questions for you[5:54]
• She explicitly names popular tools and systems and says they cannot deliver definitive life answers
The good news, according to Jay, is that because there are no right answers, there are also no wrong answers[5:58]
Instead, there are only your answers, which makes your 20s a great time to listen to and be honest with yourself[6:06]
She describes the 20s as a great time to have a conversation with your future self[6:14]

Derek Parfit and neglect of the future self

Jay cites philosopher Derek Parfit, who said we neglect our future selves because of some sort of failure of belief or imagination[6:31]
• She repeats this line to emphasize its importance
When you are young, it can be difficult to imagine or believe that you could ever really be 35[6:37]
• She connects this difficulty to the fact that many influencers on Instagram or TikTok are younger than 35
She calls this difficulty a problem because research shows our brains think about our future selves similarly to how they think about strangers[6:51]

Research on future selves and the empathy gap

Jay explains that this is where the empathy gap comes in: it can be difficult to care about a version of ourselves we have not yet met[7:01]
She adds that research also shows if we find a way to close the empathy gap between our present and future selves, we start to think more about what we can do now to be kind to ourselves later[7:06]
She shares one of her favorite studies where researchers used virtual reality to show 20-somethings what they would look like when they are old[7:26]
• She describes this as "scary" but notes the experimental setup clearly
The 20-somethings who saw their age-morphed selves set aside more money toward retirement than those who did not[7:35]
• She uses this as evidence that feeling connected to your older self changes behavior

How Jay applies this concept in her clinical work

Jay notes she does not have virtual reality in her office[7:39]
She says saving for retirement does not come up a lot in her work with 20-somethings[7:43]
What does come up a lot is that about 85% of life's most defining moments take place by around age 35[7:51]
• She presents this as a key statistic shaping her approach with clients
She asks her clients to imagine themselves at age 35 and to believe in their ability to have created those defining moments[8:03]

Guided questions to get to know your future self

Jay asks clients to get very specific about what they see when they imagine themselves at 35[8:07]
She lists appearance as a starting question: "What do I look like?"[8:11]
She asks where they live[8:11]
She asks what they do for work, whether they enjoy the work, and whether it feels meaningful, important, and well paid[8:15]
• She encourages clients to consider whether these positive qualities might be true one day and which of them they really care about
She moves to life after work: who do they come home to, and whether they have a partner[8:27]
She asks what that relationship looks like and how it is similar or different to relationships they saw growing up[8:35]
She invites them to consider whether there are children in the picture and how old they were when they had their first child[8:43]
She suggests thinking about how old they might be when that child goes to college or has their own kids[8:45]
She adds questions about whether they are happy and healthy at 35[8:57]
She asks what exactly they do or do not do that makes them happy and healthy[8:57]

Reverse engineering from the future self

Jay says the idea is to try to get to know your future self[9:01]
When we spend time connecting with that person, we do some reverse engineering[9:07]
We start to ask our present self questions about how our present and future can come together or meet somewhere in the middle[9:15]
Along the way, people start to ask questions like "How is everything I think I want going to fit?"[9:21]
Another question is "What does all this mean about what I need to be doing now?"[9:25]
Jay shares one of her favorite questions to ask yourself at any age: if you are in a job, relationship, or situation you would like not to be in five years from now, then how much longer are you going to spend on this?[9:39]
• She presents this as a prompt to reconsider time investment in misaligned situations

Young adults and tough questions

Jay acknowledges that many of these are tough questions[9:43]
She says 20 years of doing this work has taught her that 20-somethings are not afraid of being asked tough questions[9:49]
Instead, she believes they are really afraid of not being asked the tough questions[9:55]
• She suggests this may be because they have told the world they are interested in courageous conversations about race, class, politics, and the environment
She proposes that at any age, one of the most courageous conversations you can have is with your future self[10:11]
She closes her talk with a "thank you"[10:13]

Conversation between Whitney Pennington-Rogers and Meg Jay

Applicability beyond the twenties

Whitney thanks Meg for the talk and notes that Meg's work is with people in their 20s and young adults[10:19]
Whitney recalls that Meg mentioned in her talk that this is something you can apply at any stage of life, not just in your 20s[10:23]
Whitney asks Meg to confirm that it is not just advice for people in their 20s[10:27]
Meg answers "oh yes" and explains that our 20s are when we first start having to figure out that there is a future self out there[10:35]
She notes that school tends to plot things two or three years in advance for us, so our 20s are when we first start thinking across longer horizons[10:49]
She says we get better at thinking about the future over time[10:53]
In our 30s, 40s, and 50s we have more built-in connections to the future, such as wanting to be around when children graduate from college[10:57]
• She offers the example of parents thinking about living to see milestones like college graduation
She concludes that thinking about the future becomes more natural as you get older, but it is always important[11:09]

Examples of future-self conversations at different ages

Meg shares that she has a couple in her practice who are having a conversation with their future relationship[11:15]
In about five years their kids will be leaving for college, and they want to be sure they have a marriage they feel good about when the kids are gone[11:25]
• This couple is explicitly planning for the "empty nest" period
Meg also references herself, noting she is 51[11:33]
She says she is having a conversation with her own future self about what she wants to get out of the years of her career ahead in her 50s[11:15]
She mentions feeling that time is running out and asks herself what she wants to get done[11:40]
She concludes that we always need to be in conversation with our future selves, but this is usually new and quite difficult for 20-somethings[11:50]

What to do after asking the questions

Whitney asks what happens after people like the idea of these questions, ask themselves, and then wonder what to do next[11:56]
She asks what Meg recommends people do to take this further and advance themselves and their thinking[12:10]
Meg says it depends on the goal and what happened between you and your future self in the conversation[12:19]
She compares it to most long-form projects and suggests starting with pencil and paper, doing some math, and sketching out some things[12:23]
• She implies that written planning is a helpful first step after the initial reflection
As you go along, you might realize other things important to you down the line that you want to add in[12:34]

Scheduling check-ins and creating accountability

Meg recommends figuring out a schedule that works for you to check in on your progress[12:46]
She suggests questions like "Am I being true to myself and to my future self in terms of what I said I was going to start prioritizing more?"[12:50]
She notes that the frequency of check-ins depends on the person; it could be once a month, every New Year's, or on your birthday[13:02]
She doubts that having this conversation only once after hearing her talk and then dropping it will do much[14:00]
Instead, she frames it as the beginning of an ongoing conversation with yourself[13:18]
Like any goal, it is probably something we need to keep circling back around on, asking if it is still what we want and how we are doing on it[13:22]
Regular check-ins create some accountability[13:30]
Meg notes that some people find it helpful to tell a friend, a pastor, or to write it in a journal[13:34]
• She frames these actions as ways to say, "This is a goal that I'm going to own and I'm going to keep coming back to it"
She concludes that having some sort of partner, even if that partner is your future self, can support the process[13:52]

Closing thanks between Whitney and Meg

Whitney thanks Meg again for being there, for the talk, and for sharing wisdom around these questions and the 20s and more[14:02]
Meg responds that it was her pleasure and that it was really fun[14:08]

Episode wrap-up by Elise Hu

Identifying the conversation and context

Elise states that this was Meg Jay in conversation with Whitney Pennington Rogers at a TED Membership event in 2021[14:16]
She reminds listeners that this conversation is connected to the last live book club conversation of the year with Oliver Berkman[14:24]

Production credits

Elise notes that TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective[14:40]
She lists members of the production and editing team: Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, and Tansika Sangmarnivong[14:48]
She mentions that the episode was mixed by Lucy Little, with additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Balarezo[14:54]
Elise signs off by saying she will be back tomorrow with a fresh idea and thanks listeners for listening[15:00]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Because our brains often treat our future selves like strangers, we must deliberately build a relationship with who we will be so we make kinder long-term choices now.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When you picture yourself at age 35 or another future age, what specific details about your life feel vivid and which feel vague or hard to imagine?
  • • How might seeing your future self as a real person you will one day be change the way you approach a decision you are currently postponing?
  • • What is one concrete step you can take this week to better "get to know" your future self (for example, writing a description of a typical day in your life at that age)?
2

There are no universally right or wrong answers for major life choices; what matters is identifying and owning the answers that are truly yours.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In which areas of your life are you most focused on finding the "right" answer instead of discovering your own answer?
  • • How could recognizing your current challenge as a "large world problem" with many unknowns reduce pressure and help you move forward anyway?
  • • What is one decision you could make in the next month that reflects your values rather than external expectations about what is supposedly "right"?
3

Imagining your future life in concrete detail allows you to reverse engineer from that vision and align your present actions with the person you want to become.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What do you want your work, relationships, and everyday routines to look like in 5-10 years if things go well for you?
  • • How might working backward from that picture clarify which habits, skills, or changes you need to start on in the next year?
  • • What is one specific element of your imagined future (such as type of work, living situation, or relationship quality) that you can begin taking a small step toward this week?
4

Regular check-ins and some form of accountability turn a one-time conversation with your future self into an ongoing practice that actually shapes your behavior.

Reflection Questions:

  • • How often do you currently reflect on whether your daily choices align with the future you say you want?
  • • In what ways could setting a recurring time-like monthly, on your birthday, or at New Year-to review your goals improve your follow-through?
  • • Who or what could serve as an accountability partner for you (a friend, mentor, journal, or calendar reminder), and what would your first check-in with them look like?
5

If you would not want to be in your current job, relationship, or situation five years from now, it is crucial to decide how much more of your limited time you are willing to invest in it.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Looking at your work, relationships, or routines, which ones would you be unhappy to see unchanged five years from now?
  • • How could honestly answering "how much longer am I going to spend on this?" shift your approach to one area of your life that feels stuck?
  • • What is one small, realistic action you could take in the next month to begin moving away from a situation you do not want to still be in years from now?

Episode Summary - Notes by Dakota

TED Talks Daily Book Club: Essential questions to ask your future self | Meg Jay (re-release)
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