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TED Talks Daily

(#3) Elise's Top Ten: If I should have a daughter ... | Sarah Kay

with Sarah Kay

Published September 20, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Host Elise Hu introduces a special rebroadcast of Sarah Kay's 2011 TED performance as part of her "Top 10 TED Talks" playlist, highlighting the spoken word poem "If I Should Have a Daughter." In the talk, Sarah performs two poems and reflects on how spoken word poetry helps her and her students make sense of the world, move from self-doubt to self-expression, and build genuine connection. She shares her own journey into spoken word, her teaching practice with Project Voice, and stories like that of her student Charlotte to illustrate the power of vulnerability and personal storytelling.

Topics Covered

Poetry Spoken word poetry Art and creativity Personal narrative Personal Development Education system Curiosity Identity Vulnerability

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • Sarah Kay uses spoken word poetry as a way to figure out what she doesn't yet understand, often discovering the meaning of an experience only after finishing a poem.
  • Her journey into spoken word began as a nervous 14-year-old who felt seen and validated by other poets and a supportive audience at the Bowery Poetry Club.
  • She describes three steps in her spoken word journey: realizing "I can," deciding "I will," and a never-ending step three of infusing work with ever-evolving, specific personal truths.
  • Through Project Voice, she and collaborator Phil Kay use spoken word to entertain, educate, and inspire students from children to MFA candidates across different geographies.
  • To help reluctant teens write, she assigns list exercises like "Ten things I know to be true" and "Ten things I should have learned by now," which reveal shared experiences and unique perspectives.
  • The story of her student Charlotte shows how specific, quirky truths (like a crush on Anderson Cooper) can unlock powerful, original poetry.
  • Sarah contrasts a closed-off, "cool" stance toward life with her preference for moving through the world with arms wide open to both hurt and beauty.
  • Her closing poem weaves together Hiroshima imagery, her family stories, and the idea of "impossible" connection, presenting poetry as a way to leave evidence of having existed and to share the present moment with others.

Podcast Notes

Introduction to TED Talks Daily and Elise Hu's Top 10 playlist

Show identification and host introduction

Elise Hu names the podcast and her role[2:50]
• She says listeners are hearing TED Talks Daily, a show that brings new ideas to spark curiosity every day, and introduces herself as the host, Elise Hu.

Framing of the Top 10 TED Talks playlist

Explanation of the special playlist format[2:57]
• Elise welcomes listeners back to her Top 10 TED Talks, describing it as TED's first ever podcast playlist where a curated list of archive talks is shared all at once in the feed.
Context on going back a decade in the archive[3:02]
• She notes that the next talk is from about a decade ago and even predates the birth of the TED Talks Daily podcast, which started in 2014.

Why Sarah Kay's talk follows Dan Gilbert and Shankar Vedantam

Connection to previous talks about future selves[3:10]
• After reflecting on considering our future selves with Dan Gilbert and Shankar Vedantam, Elise frames Sarah Kay's talk as a fitting next choice.
Introduction of Sarah Kay and her 2011 TED performance[3:22]
• Elise introduces poet Sarah Kay and says this is her first ever TED Talk and performance, from 2011.
Description of the poem "If I Should Have a Daughter" and Elise's personal connection[3:31]
• Elise explains that Sarah's poem is called "If I Should Have a Daughter," describes it as beautiful and gut-wrenching, and notes it is especially meaningful to her because she has three daughters.
• She emphasizes that the piece will resonate whether or not the listener is a parent and calls it one of the most prescient talks she has heard, recommending tissues for first-time listeners.

Spoken word performance: "If I Should Have a Daughter"

Opening metaphor of motherhood and safety

Reimagining "Mom" as "Point B"[4:01]
• Sarah begins the poem by saying that if she should have a daughter, instead of "mom" the daughter will call her Point B, so the child knows she can always find her way back to her.
Teaching scale and curiosity through imagery of the universe[4:14]
• She describes painting solar systems on the backs of her daughter's hands so the girl has to learn the entire universe before claiming she knows something "like the back of my hand."

Preparing a child for pain and resilience

Life hitting hard and the taste of air[4:18]
• Sarah warns that life will hit the daughter hard in the face, wait for her to get up, and then kick her again, but says getting the wind knocked out is the only reminder of how much lungs like the taste of air.
Acknowledging hurt that words cannot fix[4:33]
• She states that there is hurt that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry and promises that when her daughter realizes Wonder Woman is not coming, she will ensure the girl knows she need not wear the cape alone.
Limits of trying to heal all pain[4:47]
• Sarah notes that no matter how widely you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal, adding "Believe me, I've tried."

Warning about trying to save or change others

Smelling for smoke and chasing burning houses[4:59]
• She describes the habit of keeping one's nose in the air as "smelling for smoke" to follow it back to a burning house, either to save the boy who lost everything in the fire or to change the boy who lit it.
Provisioning for heartbreak with chocolate and rain boots[5:16]
• Anticipating her daughter's inevitable actions, she promises to keep extra chocolate and rain boots nearby, saying there is no heartbreak chocolate can't fix, except for a few that require rain to wash things away.

Cultivating wonder and perspective

Seeing the world from unusual angles[5:32]
• She wants her daughter to look at the world through the underside of a glass-bottom boat and through a microscope at galaxies in the pinpoint of a human mind, saying that is how her own mom taught her.
Quoting her mother about days like this[5:46]
• Sarah echoes the refrain "There'll be days like this, my mama said," describing days when attempts to catch things leave only blisters and bruises, and when loved ones step on your cape as you try to fly.
Finding gratitude amid disappointment[6:01]
• She speaks of boots filling with rain and being knee-deep in disappointment, yet insists those are days with more reason to say "thank you," praising the ocean's refusal to stop kissing the shoreline despite being sent away.

Encouraging resilience, sweetness, and courage

Putting the "wind" in winsome and starting over[6:14]
• Sarah tells her daughter she will put the wind in "winsome, lose some" and the star in "starting over and over," urging her to let her mind land on the beauty of life despite metaphorical landmines.
World made of sugar and tasting life[6:34]
• Admitting she is naive, she says she wants her daughter to know the world is made of sugar and can crumble easily, but urges her not to be afraid to stick out her tongue and taste it.
Family roles and the daughter's character[6:37]
• She describes herself as a worrier, the father as a warrior, and the daughter as a girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.
Guidelines on apology and self-expression[6:47]
• Sarah advises always apologizing when truly in the wrong, but never apologizing for eyes that refuse to stop shining or for continuing to sing with a small voice.

Responding to cynicism, war, and hatred

Confronting heartache and societal negativity[7:05]
• She imagines her daughter being handed heartache, having war and hatred slipped under her door, and being offered cynicism and defeat on street corners.
Invoking the mother as an antidote[7:14]
• The poem ends with the instruction that when faced with such negativity, the daughter should tell those forces that they "really ought to meet" her mother.
Audience reaction[7:18]
• The performance concludes with multiple "Thank you" statements from Sarah and enthusiastic applause from the audience.

Sarah Kay reflects on truth, poetry, and spoken word

Exercise: three things you know to be true

Prompting the audience to reflect[7:43]
• Sarah asks the audience to think of three things they know to be true about any topic, instructing them not to think too hard.
Her own three truths[8:00]
• She shares three things she knows: Jean-Luc Godard was right that a good story has a beginning, middle, and end not necessarily in that order; she is incredibly nervous and excited to be on stage, inhibiting her ability to keep cool; and she has been waiting all week to tell a particular joke.
Scarecrow joke[8:26]
• She delivers the joke, "Why was the scarecrow invited to TED? Because he was outstanding in his field," then apologizes, signaling her awareness of its corniness.

Why she writes poems and what spoken word is

Poems as a way to figure things out[8:44]
• Sarah explains that she writes poems to figure things out when she has trouble understanding something, and sometimes only realizes what it's about after finishing, while other times she just gains a new poem.
Definition of spoken word poetry[9:00]
• She defines spoken word poetry as the art of performance poetry, involving creating poems that do not want to sit only on paper but demand to be heard out loud or witnessed in person.

Sarah's origin story in spoken word

High school years and first poem

Being a "live wire" freshman[9:16]
• As a high school freshman, Sarah describes herself as a "live wire" of nervous hormones, underdeveloped and over-excitable, afraid of being looked at but fascinated by spoken word.
Discovering spoken word as poetry plus theater[9:28]
• She felt that her two secret loves, poetry and theater, had come together and "had a baby," which she felt compelled to get to know by trying spoken word.
Content and tone of her first spoken word poem[9:40]
• Her first poem, written at 14, was about the injustice of being seen as unfeminine: it was indignant and largely exaggerated, modeled on the indignant spoken word she'd seen.
First performance and audience impact[10:00]
• When she first performed, an audience of teenagers hooted and hollered in sympathy; after coming off stage shaking, a very tall girl in a hoodie tapped her, said "I really felt that," and thanked her.
• Sarah describes this moment of connection as a lightning strike that hooked her on spoken word.

Finding community at the Bowery Poetry Club

Discovering a weekly open mic[10:30]
• She found a bar on Manhattan's Lower East Side that hosted a weekly poetry open mic, and her bewildered but supportive parents took her there so she could absorb as much spoken word as possible.
Being the youngest in the room and being welcomed[9:46]
• At the Bowery Poetry Club she was at least a decade younger than everyone else, yet the poets welcomed rather than rejected the 14-year-old wandering around.
Seeing the range of spoken word tones and topics[10:36]
• Listening there taught her that spoken word could be fun, painful, serious, or silly-it did not have to be purely indignant.
Encouragement to write from her own age and experience[11:10]
• The poets encouraged her to share her stories and, despite her age, told her to write about being 14, which she did, and she was amazed each week when adult poets responded strongly to her work.

Three-step framework of her spoken word journey

Step One: Saying "I can"

Catalyst from the girl in the hoodie[11:32]
• Sarah identifies step one as the moment she could say "I can" do spoken word, crediting the validating comment from the giant girl in a hoodie after her first performance.

Step Two: Saying "I will"

Commitment to return and keep performing[11:38]
• Step two was realizing she loved spoken word enough to say "I will" continue-she would keep returning week after week to perform and engage.

Step Three: Writing the poems only she can write

Moving beyond indignation into specificity[11:36]
• Step three began when she realized she did not have to write indignant poems if that was not truly her; focusing on things specific to her made her poetry weirder but more authentically hers.
Bringing accumulated experience to new work[12:00]
• She reframes "write what you know" as gathering all knowledge and experience collected so far in order to dive into what you don't know, approaching each new poem with a "backpack" full of everywhere she has been.

Project Voice and teaching spoken word

Reinventing Project Voice with Phil Kay

Meeting Phil Kay and shared belief in spoken word[12:18]
• At university, Sarah met fellow poet Phil Kay, who shared her belief in the magic of spoken word; coincidentally they share the same last name.
Evolving Project Voice's mission[12:28]
• She had previously created Project Voice in high school to encourage friends to do spoken word, but with Phil she reinvented it to use spoken word to entertain, educate, and inspire.
Balancing full-time study with travel and teaching[12:41]
• While remaining full-time students, they traveled to perform and teach students ranging from nine-year-olds to MFA candidates, in places from California and Indiana to India and a local public high school.
Spoken word as a key to "crack open locks"[12:58]
• They repeatedly witnessed how spoken word poetry "cracks open locks" in people, suggesting it unlocks expression and emotion.

Using lists to help reluctant teens write

Realization that poetry can be scary[13:02]
• She notes that poetry can be really scary and that sometimes she has to trick teenagers into writing it.
List assignment: Ten things I know to be true[13:16]
• Sarah assigns students to write "ten things I know to be true" because everyone can write lists.
Four types of overlaps and differences that emerge[13:38]
• She describes what happens when lists are shared: someone will have the same or similar item; someone else will have the complete opposite; another will have something unfamiliar; and another will have something you thought you knew that they present from a new angle.
How these intersections generate great stories[13:46]
• Sarah tells people that great stories start at these four intersections between their passions and what others might also be invested in.

Charlotte's journey from "not interesting" to poet

Charlotte's resistance to writing poems

Student claims she has nothing interesting to say[13:57]
• A freshman student named Charlotte excels at lists but refuses to write poems, telling Sarah, "I'm just not interesting. I don't have anything interesting to say."
New list assignment: Ten things I should have learned by now[14:14]
• Sarah keeps assigning lists and one day asks for "ten things I should have learned by now," to which Charlotte responds with, among others, item number three: she should have learned not to crush on guys three times her age.

From list item to first poem

Encouraging Charlotte to elaborate her list item[14:18]
• When Sarah asks what Charlotte's line about crushing on older guys means, Charlotte says it is a long story, and Sarah tells her it sounds interesting, prompting Charlotte to write her first poem.
Charlotte's Anderson Cooper love poem[14:32]
• Charlotte's first poem is a love poem about Anderson Cooper, opening with "Anderson Cooper is a gorgeous man" and referencing a 60 Minutes segment where he races Michael Phelps in a pool.
• The poem vividly describes Anderson in swim trunks, tossing his "wet, cloud-white hair" and calling Phelps a god, to which Charlotte's poem responds, "No, Anderson. You're the god."

Philosophy of openness versus being "cool"

Contrasting emotional stances toward life

The rule of being cool: seeming unfazed[15:04]
• Sarah notes that the number one rule to being cool is to seem unfazed and to never admit that anything scares, impresses, or excites you, likening it to walking through life with arms crossed.
Her choice to walk through life open-armed[15:14]
• She says she tries to walk through life with arms wide open, which means catching miseries and hurt but also being ready to catch beautiful, amazing things that fall from the sky.

Using spoken word to rediscover wonder

Helping students resist the urge to be unfazed[15:36]
• Sarah uses spoken word to help students rediscover wonder and fight their instincts to be cool and unfazed, instead encouraging them to be actively engaged with their surroundings.
Transforming experiences into creative work[15:32]
• She wants students to reinterpret what goes on around them and create something from it, using that engagement as raw material for poems.

Why she teaches spoken word and its accessibility

Spoken word as one medium among many

Choosing the right form for each story[15:50]
• Sarah clarifies she does not think spoken word is the ideal art form; she also writes musicals and makes short films, always seeking the best way to tell each story.
Spoken word's appeal: accessibility[15:58]
• She teaches spoken word because it is accessible: not everyone can read music or owns a camera, but everyone can communicate somehow and has stories others can learn from.

Spoken word as immediate connection

Countering the feeling of being alone or misunderstood[16:16]
• Sarah notes it's common to feel alone or misunderstood, but spoken word teaches that if you can express yourself and have the courage to present your stories, you might be rewarded with a room full of people who will listen and connect.
The significance of the "giant girl in a hoodie" archetype[16:32]
• She recalls that a giant girl in a hoodie connected with her first poem, illustrating how a single listener's response can be a powerful realization, especially at age 14.
Extending connection through YouTube[16:40]
• With YouTube, performances form an archive she can share with students, broadening their chances to find a poet or poem they connect with beyond the physical room.

Continuous growth: Step Three never ends

Avoiding repetition and complacency

Risk of repeating the same successful poem[16:52]
• Once someone realizes they can connect with an audience, it's tempting to keep writing the same poem or telling the same story if it reliably earns applause.
Pushing for growth, risk, and specificity[17:10]
• She argues it's not enough to express yourself; you have to grow, explore, take risks, and challenge yourself, infusing work with the specific things that make you you, even as those things change.
Step Three as an ongoing process[17:13]
• Sarah emphasizes that step three never ends, but you cannot reach it without first taking step one, the "I can."

Watching Charlotte reach her own Step Three

Limited chances to see students' full journeys[17:32]
• Because she travels a lot, she often cannot watch students progress to step three, but she was fortunate to see Charlotte's journey unfold.
Charlotte creating uniquely "Charlotte" poems[17:36]
• Sarah observed Charlotte learning to put her truths into her work, writing poems only she could write, about topics like eyeballs, elevators, and Dora the Explorer.

Telling this TED story and rediscovering childhood wonder

Choosing the form and structure of the TED talk

Considering formats: PowerPoint, short film, structure[17:58]
• Sarah spent time thinking about the best way to tell this story at TED, debating whether to use a PowerPoint, a short film, and where to place the beginning, middle, and end.
Uncertainty about fully figuring it out[18:36]
• She wondered whether she would reach the end of the talk having finally figured everything out or not.

Discovering an early sign: childhood diary page

Finding a dated diary entry[18:16]
• In preparing for TED, Sarah discovered an old diary page dated "December 54th," which she notes was probably meant to be the 24th.
Recognizing innate wonder in her younger self[18:04]
• She interprets the diary as evidence that, as a child, she walked through life with arms wide open, and suggests that we all did.
Goal to help others rediscover that wonder[18:28]
• Sarah expresses a desire to help others rediscover wonder, to want to learn, to share what they have figured out to be true and what they are still figuring out.

Transition to closing poem

Decision to close with another poem[18:38]
• She says she would like to close with a poem, setting up the next spoken word piece.

Closing poem: Hiroshima, reincarnation, and impossible connection

Imagery of Hiroshima and resilience of life

Mini-supernova and people turned to ash[18:46]
• Sarah describes the bombing of Hiroshima as creating a mini-supernova; every living being in direct contact with the rays was instantly turned to ash, and the city soon followed.
Radiation damage and people as powder[18:59]
• She explains that long-lasting nuclear radiation damage caused the entire city and its population to turn into powder.
New life growing sooner than predicted[20:57]
• Specialists said it would take 75 years for Hiroshima's radiation-damaged soil to grow anything again, yet that spring new buds appeared from the earth.

Personal stories about old eyes and reincarnation

Mother's observation of "old eyes" at birth[19:14]
• Sarah says her mom recalls that when she was born, she looked around the hospital room with a stare that seemed to say, "This? I've done this before," leading her mother to say she has old eyes.
Telling her mother about her grandfather's reincarnation[19:16]
• When her grandpa Genji died and she was five, she took her mother's hand and reassured her that he would come back as a baby.
Admitting she still hasn't figured things out[19:27]
• Despite these signs, she says she still hasn't figured anything out; her knees buckle on stage and her self-confidence can be measured in teaspoons, mixed into her poetry but still tasting funny.

Desire to leave a lasting proof of existence

Hiroshima artifacts versus her hoped-for poem[19:39]
• In Hiroshima, some people were erased, leaving only a wristwatch or diary page; similarly, she keeps trying in hopes of writing a poem worthy of sitting in a museum as the only proof she existed.

Name "Sarah" and the idea of impossible

Biblical origin of her name[19:59]
• Her parents gave her the biblical name Sarah; in the original story, God tells Sarah she can do something impossible, and Sarah laughs.
Not knowing what to do with "impossible"[20:15]
• She says the first Sarah didn't know what to do with impossible, and neither does she, though she sees impossible every day.

Defining "impossible" connection through poetry

Connecting while the world "blows up" around you[20:21]
• Sarah defines impossible as trying to connect in a world where things are figuratively blowing up around you, while others truly hear and feel what you feel at the same time.
Striving for that connection every time she speaks[20:31]
• She says that impossible connection is what she strives for every time she opens her mouth.
Hiroshima's "permanent shadow" of positive light[20:47]
• She describes a piece of wall in Hiroshima burned black by radiation except where a sitting person blocked the rays, leaving a permanent shadow of positive light on the stone.

Sharing the present as the greatest present

Becoming part of each other's timelines[21:05]
• When she meets someone, in that moment she stops being part of their future and quickly becomes part of their past, but for an instant they share the present.
Valuing the shared present moment[21:11]
• She calls this shared present the greatest present of all.

Humor, reincarnation, and getting it right

Laughing at being told she can do the impossible[21:14]
• If told she could do the impossible, Sarah says she would probably laugh, mirroring the biblical Sarah.
Uncertainty about changing the world or reincarnation[22:06]
• She admits she does not know if she can change the world because she does not know much about it or about reincarnation, though if someone makes her laugh hard enough she sometimes forgets what century she's in.
Sense of multiple lifetimes and trying again[21:34]
• She declares this isn't her first or last time here, nor her last words, but "just in case" she is trying her hardest to get it right this time around.
Audience response to closing poem[22:15]
• The audience applauds as she thanks them repeatedly, mirroring the end of her first poem.

Host outro, playlist context, and production credits

Elise Hu recontextualizes the talk within her Top 10

Identifying the talk and series placement[22:32]
• Elise reiterates that the speaker was Sarah Kay, performing and speaking at TED2011, and notes this is the third of the TED archive talks reposted as part of her Top 10 playlist.

Themes linking this talk to the next in the playlist

From uncertainty and future children to vulnerability[22:06]
• She outlines thematic threads from learning to live with future uncertainty, to imagining future children and being present in the world, and on to vulnerability as the theme of the next talk.
Preview of upcoming Brené Brown talk[22:26]
• Elise says the next talk sparked a worldwide conversation and a rethink about shame and vulnerability, and that it in many ways introduced the world to Brené Brown.

Pointer to TED's curation guidelines and credits

Information about TED's curation[22:30]
• She invites curious listeners to learn more about TED's curation at ted.com/curationguidelines.
Production and mixing credits for this episode[23:31]
• Elise states that TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective and credits Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, and Tansika Sungmarnivong with producing and editing the talk, with additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Balarezo.
• She notes that the episode was mixed by Lucy Little and signs off by thanking listeners.

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Creative expression can be a powerful tool for making sense of what you don't yet understand-by writing or speaking it out, you often discover the meaning only after you create the piece.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What confusing or unresolved experience in your life could you start to explore through writing, audio, or another creative form this week?
  • • How might your perspective on a current challenge shift if you allowed yourself to express it freely without worrying about whether it "makes sense" yet?
  • • When can you set aside 30 minutes in the next few days to create something purely as a way to think through a problem you're facing?
2

Growth in any craft often follows a path from "I can" (capability), to "I will" (commitment), to an open-ended phase of continuously refining your unique voice and taking new risks.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In what area of your life or work have you reached "I can," but not yet fully committed to "I will"?
  • • How could you deliberately design a small experiment that pushes you one step further into your personal "step three" of ongoing improvement?
  • • What is one risk or stretch project you could take on in the next month that would force you to develop a more distinct, authentic voice or style?
3

The more specific and personal your stories are, the more they can resonate with others-details that feel uniquely yours (like a quirky crush or childhood habit) are often what make your work universally relatable.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which specific, seemingly insignificant details from your own life have you been leaving out of your stories or presentations?
  • • How might including one vivid, personal detail in your next piece of communication make it more memorable and engaging for others?
  • • What is one story from your past that only you can tell, and how could you start sharing it in a more concrete, detailed way?
4

Choosing to walk through life "open-armed"-allowing yourself to be impressed, hurt, and amazed-creates the conditions for deeper connection and richer experiences than staying guarded and "unfazed."

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in your life do you tend to act "cool" and indifferent instead of showing genuine excitement, fear, or curiosity?
  • • How would your relationships change if you were more open about what truly moves or scares you?
  • • What is one upcoming interaction or event where you can practice being more emotionally open instead of defaulting to detachment?
5

Simple, accessible structures-like making lists of what you know to be true-can unlock expression in yourself and others who feel they have "nothing interesting" to say.

Reflection Questions:

  • • If you wrote a list of ten things you know to be true today, what themes or patterns might emerge that are worth exploring further?
  • • How could you use a simple prompt or list exercise to help a colleague, student, or friend express something they've been holding back?
  • • When could you set up a short session with your team or family to share and discuss lists like "Ten things I should have learned by now" to spark deeper conversation?

Episode Summary - Notes by Kai

(#3) Elise's Top Ten: If I should have a daughter ... | Sarah Kay
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