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On Purpose with Jay Shetty

6 Lessons I Wish I Knew in My 20's & 30's (This Will INSTANTLY Give You Direction!)

Published November 21, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

Jay Shetty, speaking directly to people in their 20s and 30s, shares six psychological and life lessons about loving the process over results, distinguishing your inner voice from external noise, and separating success from happiness. He explains how real confidence is built through self-trust and small follow-throughs, why most rejection is statistical rather than personal, and how healing often feels messy and disorienting even as your brain and nervous system genuinely change. He frames the 20s as a training ground of "firsts" and identity disruption, encouraging listeners to treat confusion and failure as emotional data and practice rather than proof of inadequacy.

Topics Covered

Personal Development Mental health Relationships Confidence Happiness Habits Behavioral economics Trauma Growth mindset Goal setting

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • Chasing visible results without loving the daily process leads to misery; what matters is whether you're willing to live the routine required by the outcome you admire.
  • External noise from parents, culture, and friends can drown out your inner voice, causing you to build a life that impresses others instead of one that aligns with your values.
  • Success (external achievement) and happiness (internal alignment and peace) follow different paths and require different skills and habits.
  • Lasting confidence is built through self-trust, small acts of follow-through, and interpreting failures as data rather than as proof of personal inadequacy.
  • Most rejection in work, dating, and life is statistical and about timing or fit, not a verdict on your worth, and reframing it this way reduces fear and personalization.
  • Healing often feels like exhaustion, numbness, or loss of interest because your nervous system is recalibrating and your brain is rewiring away from survival patterns.
  • Your 20s are less about getting life perfectly right and more about exploratory growth-collecting emotional data through experiments, mistakes, and identity shifts.

Podcast Notes

Introduction and framing of lessons for your 20s and 30s

Opening statement about rejection and self-blame

Most rejections are not actually about you personally[2:00]
• He states that when you stop personalizing rejection, you stop fearing it.
Description of personalization as a cognitive distortion[2:13]
• When something negative happens, people often assume it's a reflection of who they are, turning randomness into self-blame.

Jay addresses listeners in their 20s and 30s

No one tells you certain truths in your 20s and 30s[2:40]
• He says friends, parents, and even loving people often won't tell you what he's about to share.
Danger of wasting the most important decade chasing the wrong things[2:50]
• He warns that without hearing these lessons, listeners might waste a decade focused on misaligned goals.
Jay's age and desire to speak to his younger self[2:55]
• He shares that he is 38 and would do anything to go back and shake the younger version of himself.
Promise of sharing lessons he wishes he knew[3:07]
• He believes that if he had known these as conscious, intentional lessons, many things would have shifted.

Lesson 1: Results are overrated and the 1% principle

Obsession with outcomes and highlight reels

Why fixation on results makes people miserable[3:21]
• In their 20s and 30s, people are bombarded with others' followers, funding, and high salaries, leading everyone to chase trophies.
People rarely ask if they want the process behind the trophy[3:37]
• He notes that people chase outcomes but seldom ask whether they want the daily work it takes to get there.

The 1% principle and misreading other people's lives

You only see 1% of someone's life[3:43]
• He explains that you see vacations, homes, parties, and cars, and think you want that life.
It's not about how badly you want it, but about systems and commitment[3:55]
• He argues it's not about desire alone, but about the systems you're willing to create and commit to.

Examples of elite performers' processes

Michael Phelps' training and repetition[4:04]
• Phelps trained 5-6 hours a day, 6 days a week, swimming about 80,000 meters (50 miles) weekly at peak.
• He added three weekly strength sessions including weight training, core, and stretching.
• Phelps' rest before the Olympics was just one full day off.
• Jay quotes Phelps saying, "It's not talent, it's repetition. I swam every single day for six years, not one day off."
Cristiano Ronaldo's training, recovery, and lifestyle[4:39]
• Ronaldo trains five sessions a week, 90-120 minutes each.
• His recovery includes cryotherapy, stretching, hydrotherapy, and cold plunges.
• Ronaldo sleeps about 7.5 hours broken into five 90-minute cycles, based on sleep science.
• He eats six small meals a day high in lean protein and complex carbohydrates.
Simone Biles' training and mental preparation[5:20]
• Biles trains six hours a day, six days a week, split into morning and afternoon sessions.
• Her recovery includes Sundays off and prioritizing therapy and mindfulness alongside physical training.
• She is quoted as saying, "It's not just training the body, it's training the mind."

Jay's observations about strong people and sacrifice

Characteristics Jay has noticed in strong people[5:31]
• He has never met a strong person who hasn't made sacrifices.
• He has never met a strong person whose life went exactly according to plan.
• He has never met a strong person who didn't cry in private yet still show up in public.
• Strong people have lost something-a dream, a friend, or a version of themselves-to become who they are now.
• They've had nights where everything felt pointless but still showed up the next day; sometimes strength looks like surviving one more day.

His experience with monks and the cost of peace

Initial admiration for monks' peace[6:05]
• When Jay first met monks, he admired their peace and thought, "I want that."
Realization about the required lifestyle[6:15]
• He then saw their lifestyle: waking up at 4 a.m., 48 hours of meditation, and total surrender.
• He realized you don't get their peace without living their process; chasing results without accepting the process is a trap.

Questioning whose routine you actually want

Challenge to examine daily routines behind admired lives[6:34]
• He asks listeners to think of someone they admire and ask if they'd be happy living that person's exact daily routine, including sacrifices.
Stop idolizing lives whose daily reality you wouldn't choose[6:41]
• If you wouldn't want their routine, he says to stop idolizing their life and instead fall in love with your own path.

Work ethic and the 1% goal

Being in the 1% requires a 1% work ethic[7:00]
• If you want to be in the top 1% of people, you must have a 1% work ethic; you can't pair 1% aspirations with a 50% work ethic.

Lesson 2: Don't confuse external noise for your inner voice

How external expectations exhaust you

People are tired from performing for others, not from doing too much of what matters[7:19]
• He says many in their 20s and 30s are exhausted from trying to be what everyone else expects-parents, culture, friends-rather than from pursuing their own desires.
Choosing partners and careers for approval[7:24]
• He asks how often listeners have chosen a partner or career because friends would approve, leading to a life others are proud of, not themselves.

Jay's own limiting beliefs shaped by others

Examples of internal barriers he created[7:52]
• He thought he had to get a safe job, couldn't take risks after marriage, and shouldn't make content because it wasn't what he studied.
• He frames these as barriers created in the mind, influenced by external expectations.

Two self-inquiry questions about approval

Question 1: What aren't you doing because someone else doesn't approve?[8:34]
• He urges listeners to identify something they are avoiding solely because someone disapproves and to do it today.
Question 2: What are you doing only because someone else approves?[8:42]
• He advises stopping actions done only for others' approval, suggesting those actions are usually not worth it.

You can't live for approval and expect inner peace

Misalignment between online appearance and inner feeling[8:57]
• You can't chase what looks good online and expect it to feel good inside, or chase someone else's goals and expect happiness.
Living for approval destroys peace[9:10]
• He says you can't live for approval and still feel at peace, or climb someone else's mountain and expect the view to feel right.
Fulfillment comes from alignment, not just winning[9:19]
• Fulfillment, he explains, comes from aligning actions with values, not from external wins alone.

Insight from his math tutor and Jim Carrey quote

Math tutor's comment about fear of parents' judgment[9:28]
• His tutor told him he wasn't stuck because of the problem but because he feared what his parents would think if he failed.
• This helped him realize he was chasing his parents' goals and doing it poorly.
Jim Carrey's quote about failing at what you don't love[9:47]
• He quotes Jim Carrey: you might fail doing something you don't love, so you might as well fail doing something you actually love.
• He concludes it's better to fail at what you care about than at trying to live up to someone else's expectations.

Exercise to identify loud voices vs true desires

Listing the three loudest voices[10:12]
• He suggests writing down the three loudest voices in your head-parents, bosses, friends, or others.
Asking what you'd want if those opinions didn't exist[10:20]
• He asks listeners to imagine those opinions disappearing and consider what they would actually want and do.
• He says that's where your real voice lives, and encourages following that voice.

Lesson 3: Success and happiness are separate roads

Separating strategies for success from habits for happiness

Success will not automatically make you happy[10:42]
• He states that being successful won't make you happy, and being happy won't automatically make you successful.
Different toolkits: strategies vs habits[10:53]
• There are specific strategies for success in an industry and separate habits-like rest, meditation, connection, and belonging-for happiness.
• He notes that although the two can intersect, recognizing they're different roads saves time.

Metaphor of different destinations for business and vacation

Travel analogy for success and happiness journeys[11:31]
• He compares going to New York for business and Bali for vacation-two separate journeys requiring different routes.

Misconceptions: more success equals lighter feelings

Illusions about money and finish lines[11:25]
• People think climbing higher will make them feel lighter, more money will bring more meaning, and the finish line will bring peace.
Difference between external success and internal happiness[11:31]
• He defines success as external-applause, recognition, achievement-and happiness as internal-alignment, gratitude, and peace.
• You can win awards and still feel empty, reach goals and feel lost, and have everything you were told would make you happy yet still wonder why you're not.

Importance of defining your own success

Everyone will push their definition of success onto you[12:06]
• He notes that in your 20s and 30s, many people will share their definition of success.
Need to create your own definition[12:18]
• He urges listeners to deliberately create their own definition of success instead of inheriting someone else's.

Understanding intuition vs the mind

Qualities of the inner voice or intuition[12:22]
• He describes the inner voice as quiet, whispering, non-forceful, and motivating through love instead of fear.
Differences between mind and intuition[12:39]
• The mind is loud, tells you what is right and wrong, and often motivates through fear.
• Intuition offers choices and options and seeks what's best for you.
How listening or ignoring intuition changes over time[13:01]
• In your 20s and 30s, you have the opportunity to start listening to the inner voice; if you ignore it, it becomes quieter with age, and if you listen, it becomes louder.

Lesson 4: Confidence as self-trust, not outcomes

Confidence is built by follow-through, not big achievements

University of Melbourne research on confidence[13:21]
• He cites research showing confidence is built through small acts of follow-through, not just major milestones.
Redefining confidence[13:35]
• Confidence is not being certain, but believing you'll figure it out.
• He shares a quote: confidence isn't "they'll like me"; it's "I'll be okay even if they don't."
• He contrasts "I know what I'm doing" with "I can handle what happens next" as a healthier version of confidence.

How external success can reduce real confidence

Dependence on applause instead of integrity[14:07]
• He warns that external success can reduce true confidence if self-trust wasn't built first, causing dependence on applause.
Contingent vs non-contingent self-worth[14:14]
• Psychologists call it contingent self-worth when your value is conditional on outcomes.
• People with self-trust have non-contingent self-worth rooted in inner consistency rather than results.
• He summarizes: external success builds ego; internal consistency builds confidence.

Albert Bandura's self-efficacy loop

Interpretation of success and failure matters more than outcomes[14:48]
• Bandura's research showed confidence grows from how you interpret success and failure, not just the events themselves.
• If you interpret setbacks as data rather than personal flaws, self-efficacy rises.
Failure as feedback increases confidence[15:14]
• He explains that interpreting failure as insight can actually make you feel more confident than an easy win.
• People with self-trust bounce back faster because they see failure as feedback, not proof of incapability.
• Research suggests that each time you survive a challenge, your brain collects evidence that you can trust yourself.

Four habits to build self-trust and confidence

Habit 1: Don't break promises to yourself[15:34]
• Even small habits matter because they train reliability to yourself.
Habit 2: Do hard things on purpose[15:39]
• Voluntary discomfort-like cold showers, workouts, or difficult conversations-builds self-trust that you can survive stress.
Habit 3: Track evidence, not just outcomes[15:54]
• He suggests recording each time you act despite fear so your brain notices resilience instead of perfection.
Habit 4: Separate identity from results[16:06]
• When things go wrong, say "this didn't work" instead of "I failed" to shift attribution and preserve self-efficacy.

Reframing where confidence truly comes from

Confidence arises from learning through loss and curiosity[16:27]
• He concludes that confidence doesn't come from winning or being right, but from learning through loss and staying curious even when you're wrong.

Lesson 5: Rejection is mostly statistical, not personal

Rejection feels personal but is often about probabilities

Base rate neglect and personalization bias[16:50]
• Behavioral economists call it base rate neglect when people ignore probabilities and see events as uniquely about them.
• He reiterates the earlier statement: most rejections are not about you; when you stop personalizing them, you stop fearing them.
Explanation of personalization bias[17:17]
• Psychologists describe personalization as a bias where people see negative events as reflections of their own flaws.
• In reality, rejection often says more about how many others were in line than about your worth.

Examples showing rejection as math, not worth

Work and creative examples: jobs and book pitches[17:41]
• He notes that applying for a job with 500 applicants or pitching a book to 30 publishers is largely a numbers game.
Dating example and Stanford study[21:52]
• He references a 2018 Stanford study on online dating finding that about 12% of matches led to a single date and only 2% to something long-term.
• This means 98% of romantic outcomes are statistical mismatch, not emotional failure.
Organizational psychology and person-organization fit[22:17]
• Organizational psychology uses the concept of person-organization fit: you can be brilliant but in the wrong environment.
• Rejection at work is often misalignment rather than misperformance.

Reframing rejection as redirection and data

Famous saying: rejection as redirection[22:46]
• He quotes the saying "it's not rejection, it's redirection," describing it as a filtering mechanism.
Data about timing, alignment, and where your value is seen[22:39]
• If you detach rejection from identity, it becomes data about timing, alignment, and where your value is genuinely recognized.

Practical ways to depersonalize rejection

Step 1: Name the bias and separate emotion from evidence[23:03]
• He explains that rejection activates the amygdala, the brain's threat center, because historically rejection meant exile.
• To override this, you must move from reaction to reflection by asking if the rejection is about you or about probability.
• That question activates the prefrontal cortex, improving perspective and reducing overreaction; this is cognitive reframing from "I'm not good enough" to "this outcome wasn't aligned."
Step 2: Practice micro-rejections (exposure)[23:55]
• Exposure therapy works by deliberately facing small, low-stakes situations where you might get a "no."
• He suggests asking for a discount at a coffee shop, pitching a small idea to someone new, or posting something vulnerable online.
• Each time you survive a "no," your nervous system learns that you can handle it, building confidence through emotional repetition.

Avoid overpersonalizing others' behavior

Don't assume every withdrawal is your fault[24:27]
• He cautions against assuming you did something wrong just because someone pulls away or replies slowly.
• Life gets heavy even for people who care; not every quiet moment is a verdict on your worth.
Stop carrying other people's moods as proof you failed them[24:51]
• He warns against treating others' moods as evidence that you have failed or are inadequate.

Lesson 6: Healing doesn't always feel like healing

Counterintuitive feelings during healing

Healing can feel like losing interest or being bored[25:04]
• He notes that healing can feel like losing interest in things that once excited you or feeling bored when you used to be busy.
• He interprets this as nervous system regulation-learning peace, not apathy.
Healing is often quiet, awkward, and mistaken for emptiness[25:15]
• We imagine healing as calm mornings, gratitude journals, and peace, but he says it often appears as exhaustion, disinterest, grief, or emotional whiplash.
• It doesn't always look like becoming better; sometimes it looks like falling apart in new ways.

Therapeutic concept of disintegration phase

Old coping stops working before new skills are formed[25:51]
• Therapists call a stage the disintegration phase, when old coping mechanisms stop working but new ones aren't fully formed.
• In this phase, you're no longer who you were, but not yet who you're becoming.
Visible signs of recalibration[26:16]
• It can look like losing interest in people or habits that once energized you or feeling tired or numb after years of running on adrenaline.
• You may grieve a version of yourself that only knew survival.
• He reframes this not as regression but recalibration: you're not falling apart, you're outgrowing the ways you held yourself together.

Brain rewiring and extinction burst in healing

Neural pathways weaken and rebuild[26:43]
• Healing changes the brain; when you break old patterns like people-pleasing or overworking, those neural pathways weaken.
• New pathways based on calm, boundaries, and self-trust start to form, but this rewiring takes time and energy and can feel tiring.
Emotional experience: feeling worse before feeling free[27:08]
• Psychologists call it an extinction burst when discomfort spikes as you stop feeding an unhealthy pattern.
• You might miss the chaos you once complained about or miss people who hurt you, even romanticizing past pain because it's familiar.
• This spike isn't failure; it's the final gasp of an old habit dying.

Growth, grief, and signs you're healing

Growth and grief as twins[27:40]
• He says growth and grief are twins: you can become new while mourning what was old.
Addiction to survival mode and unfamiliarity of peace[28:00]
• If peace feels strange, he explains, it's because your body has been addicted to survival mode; if calm feels foreign, chaos was once home.
Four subtle signs that you're actually healing[28:50]
• 1) You're triggered less often, even if you still feel emotional.
• 2) You pause before reacting, even when it still hurts.
• 3) You rest without guilt, even if rest feels uncomfortable.
• 4) You don't chase closure; you create it, finally feeling emotions you used to run from.
Definition of healing[28:50]
• He defines healing as not the absence of pain, but the ability to be present with your pain.
• He repeats that healing can feel like breaking all over again, getting worse before getting free, or losing interest in things that once kept you alive; sometimes peace arrives but your body doesn't yet trust it.

Conclusion: Your 20s as a training ground of firsts and identity disruption

The decade of firsts

List of "firsts" in your 20s[30:49]
• He lists first job, first real heartbreak, first apartment, first rent payment, first big mistake, first realization that your parents are human, first real friend who drifts away, and first time feeling lost and unprepared.
Your 20s are training, not a test[30:49]
• He reframes the decade: it feels like a test but is actually a training ground.

Identity disruption and neuroplasticity

Every first triggers identity disruption[30:04]
• Psychologists call it identity disruption: tension between who you were and who you're becoming when you face major firsts.
Brain rewiring through uncertainty and novelty[31:02]
• Through neuroplasticity, new neural pathways form when you encounter uncertainty, failure, or novelty.
• Feeling overwhelmed or unsteady is a sign your brain is growing, not that you're broken.
• He says confusion in your 20s isn't failure; it's your mind expanding to fit your life.

Collecting emotional data through mistakes

Common missteps and misread signals[32:12]
• He notes you'll fall for people who aren't ready, take jobs that look good but feel wrong, and celebrate wins that don't satisfy you.
• You'll also experience losses that free you, mistake excitement for alignment, and confuse comfort with love.
Reframing these experiences as data, not verdicts[32:56]
• He says it's okay; you're collecting emotional data, and your 20s are about getting reps, not getting everything right.

Exploratory growth and emotional tools

Expect uncertainty instead of rigid plans[33:37]
• He explains you're not supposed to have a perfect five-year plan in your 20s or 30s; instead, psychologists call this stage exploratory growth.
• Exploratory growth means trying things not to win but to learn.
Build tools like boundaries and regulation rather than strict timelines[33:37]
• He says you need boundaries more than a blueprint, emotional regulation more than motivation, and forgiveness more than blame, especially toward yourself.

Anchoring to values instead of validation and final reassurance

Return to what feels true when overwhelmed by opinions[33:37]
• With opinions from family, social media, and fears, he advises returning to what feels true, not what looks impressive.
Reframe your 20s as practice, not perfection[33:25]
• He encourages seeing your 20s as a time to practice living-trying, failing, feeling, and rebuilding-rather than a time to figure everything out.
Common patterns of overgiving and false measures of worth[32:48]
• He describes patterns like chasing people who see your potential but don't meet you there, staying in draining jobs because quitting feels like failing, and confusing being needed with being loved.
• He also mentions confusing busyness with fulfillment, saying yes to things you've outgrown because "no" feels selfish, trying to impress people who stopped paying attention long ago, and equating productivity with worth.
Realization that everyone is "pretending to be ahead"[32:56]
• He says you'll think you're behind until you realize everyone else is pretending to be ahead.
Closing encouragement and support[33:11]
• He emphasizes that you can learn these lessons at any age or stage and hopes they set you up for joy and success.
• He ends by saying he's forever in your corner and always rooting for you.

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

Chasing results without loving the process is a trap; sustainable achievement comes from building systems and routines you're genuinely willing to live with, not from coveting the visible 1% of someone else's life.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What outcomes am I chasing right now where I haven't honestly examined whether I want the daily routine required to get there?
  • • How would my goals change if I only kept the ones whose process I am willing to commit to for the next 3-5 years?
  • • What is one current goal I can redesign this week by focusing on a daily system or habit instead of the end result?
2

Your life becomes misaligned when you let parents, culture, or friends be louder than your own inner voice; fulfillment comes from aligning actions with your values, not from impressing others.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in my life do other people's expectations still feel louder than my own desires?
  • • How might my relationships, career, or lifestyle shift if I stopped doing things solely for approval for the next six months?
  • • What is one concrete decision I can make this week that reflects my inner voice rather than someone else's opinion?
3

Success and happiness run on different tracks: external achievement requires strategic skills, while inner peace requires habits like rest, connection, and gratitude, so you must deliberately cultivate both.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In what ways am I currently assuming that more success will automatically make me happier?
  • • How could I separately design a plan for external success and a plan for daily happiness over the next year?
  • • What is one small happiness habit-like rest, connection, or reflection-I can add or protect in my schedule starting this week?
4

Real confidence is non-contingent self-trust built from keeping promises to yourself, choosing voluntary challenges, and interpreting setbacks as data instead of identity-defining failures.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where do I most often tie my self-worth to outcomes instead of to my consistency and effort?
  • • How could reframing a recent setback as information rather than as a personal flaw change my next move?
  • • What is one small promise I can make and keep to myself every day for the next 14 days to strengthen my self-trust?
5

Most rejection is about probabilities and fit, not your inherent worth; by seeing "no" as statistical and misaligned rather than personal, you reduce fear and can use rejection as information for redirection.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which recent rejection have I taken most personally, and what were the objective odds or constraints involved?
  • • How might my behavior change if I treated every 'no' this month as neutral data about timing and fit rather than a verdict on me?
  • • What low-stakes situation can I deliberately risk a 'no' in this week to practice tolerating and reframing rejection?
6

Healing and growth often feel like fatigue, numbness, or disorientation because your nervous system and brain are rewiring away from survival patterns; feeling worse for a while can be a sign that old coping mechanisms are dissolving.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where might I be interpreting my current exhaustion or disinterest as failure, when it might actually be part of recalibration?
  • • How could recognizing the 'disintegration phase' or 'extinction burst' change the way I relate to my healing process right now?
  • • What is one gentle boundary or restorative practice I can introduce this week to support my nervous system while it relearns safety?
7

Your 20s (and similar transition periods) are a training ground of firsts and identity disruption; confusion and mistakes are emotional data and repetitions, not proof that you're behind or broken.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which of my current 'failures' or confusions could I reinterpret as experiments that are teaching me about myself?
  • • How might my stress level change if I saw this stage of life as exploratory growth rather than a final exam I must pass?
  • • What is one area of my life where I can intentionally experiment for the next 3 months, focusing on learning rather than on getting it perfectly right?

Episode Summary - Notes by Logan

6 Lessons I Wish I Knew in My 20's & 30's (This Will INSTANTLY Give You Direction!)
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