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Stuff You Should Know

Selects: How Mail Order Marriages Work

Published October 4, 2025
View Show Notes

About This Episode

The hosts examine the history, mechanics, and ethical debates surrounding so‑called mail-order marriages, from colonial America and frontier settlements through 19th‑century matrimonial ads to the modern international marriage brokerage industry. They discuss how these arrangements have at times expanded women's agency and legal rights, while also creating serious power imbalances, immigration-related vulnerabilities, and potential overlaps with human trafficking. The episode also covers contemporary legal safeguards, data limitations, and evolving forms such as LGBTQ mail-order marriages, before closing with a listener email about losing a parent to COVID-19 and the importance of vaccination.

Topics Covered

Marriage Mail-order marriages Human trafficking Immigration policy and border security Relationships Feminism Domestic abuse Marriage rituals Immigration law

Disclaimer: We provide independent summaries of podcasts and are not affiliated with or endorsed in any way by any podcast or creator. All podcast names and content are the property of their respective owners. The views and opinions expressed within the podcasts belong solely to the original hosts and guests and do not reflect the views or positions of Summapod.

Quick Takeaways

  • Mail-order marriages have deep roots in American history, beginning with colonial schemes to attract women to male-heavy settlements and continuing through frontier expansion.
  • Historically, many women used mail-order matches to gain more legal rights, autonomy, and economic opportunities than they had in their home regions or countries.
  • Modern international marriage brokerages range from relatively legitimate matchmaking services to highly exploitative operations that may shade into human trafficking.
  • Power imbalances, immigration status, language barriers, and social isolation can make mail-order brides especially vulnerable to exploitation and abuse, particularly during the initial conditional residency period.
  • Despite intense criticism and moral panic, there is very little reliable data on the prevalence of abuse or murder in mail-order marriages compared to other marriages.
  • U.S. laws such as the Immigration Marriage Fraud Amendments of 1986 and the International Marriage Broker Regulation Act of 2005 were designed to curb fraud and give foreign spouses more information and protections.
  • The internet, video chat, and social media have allowed foreign spouses to vet potential partners more thoroughly than was possible in the catalog era.
  • Mail-order style arrangements are increasingly used in LGBTQ contexts to help people escape countries where they face persecution for their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Podcast Notes

Host introduction and framing of mail-order marriages

Setup of the episode and tone

Josh jokingly claims the original purpose of the show was to change minds about mail-order marriages[1:01]
• He then clarifies he's kidding and notes the topic is surprisingly interesting and might change listeners' minds about mail-order marriages
Acknowledgment of mixed reactions and potential mind-changing[1:00]

Initial reactions and moral ambiguity around mail-order marriages

Chuck's opening stance: positives and dark side

Chuck sees mail-order marriages as something that can be positive like a dating service but with a clear dark side[2:18]
• He mentions success stories where people genuinely looking for love find it across borders
• He contrasts this with stories described by Sonia Osorio of the National Organization for Women as a "softer version of humanism" and cases where women are murdered

Josh's stance: cautious, jury still out

Josh agrees with Chuck's framing but emphasizes the lack of hard data and the predominance of anecdotal evidence[3:23]
• He warns that condemning something based on anecdotes can create a moral panic rather than reflect reality
Josh is hesitant to fully condemn or endorse mail-order marriages without better data[4:01]
• For him, key questions are how common abuses are and whether the good outweighs the bad, which he says he does not know

Definitions and modern terminology

Defining mail-order brides / marriages / international marriage brokerage

The term "mail-order brides" has more recently been broadened to "mail-order marriages" to include same-sex couples in the U.S.[4:01]
A general industry term is "international marriage brokerage"[4:09]

Scale and types of agencies

There is a full industry with thousands of websites and agencies brokering these marriages[4:19]
• Some agencies appear above-board and operate like international dating services that match compatible people
• Others seem sketchy, charge a lot of money, and do not look out for either men or women
Josh jokes that despite the money flowing through the industry, many sites look very clunky, with poor design and even Comic Sans fonts, suggesting scamminess or seediness[5:00]

Classical image and social judgments about mail-order marriages

Basic dynamics of a mail-order marriage

Typically the husband and wife are largely unknown to each other, perhaps having met once very briefly or only corresponded[5:21]
• The bride usually travels a long distance from her home to the husband's home country (often the U.S.) to marry and build a life there

Stereotypical narrative of an American man and foreign bride

Chuck describes a classic stereotype: a lonely American man in his 40s or 50s with some money who cannot find a partner in the U.S. and marries a young, beautiful Ukrainian woman who speaks little English and wants to live in America[6:20]
• He notes people often associate such arrangements with women from Russia, Ukraine, or Southeast Asia, though they can come from many countries

Judgment and assumptions about participants

Josh notes many people judge the men harshly as "sad sacks" who cannot get women in the U.S. and must go abroad[7:14]
He adds another common stereotype: that these men are domineering or abusive and seek "docile" women from cultures where submission is more expected[7:18]
• Such men are seen as wanting women who will do whatever they say and are presumed to go abroad because American women would not put up with their behavior
Chuck points out that some agencies explicitly market women as submissive, including ads claiming they are "unspoiled by feminism" and promising homemaking cost savings, essentially pitching them as live-in domestic servants[8:02]
• He contrasts this with other agencies that seem genuinely to help people looking for love and who have "struck out" at home

Global context of mail-order marriage industries

Prevalence in the U.S. vs. other countries

Josh says mail-order marriages are reasonably well known in the U.S., though not constantly discussed[8:44]
He notes the industry is even larger in countries like Taiwan and South Korea, where it may dwarf the U.S. market[8:48]
• He emphasizes it's not just a tiny, obscure practice in the U.S.; it's bigger than people might think, and even bigger in some Asian countries

Introduction of Marcia Zug's research and perspective

Researcher Dave Ruse drew heavily on a book by legal professor Marcia Zug titled "Buying a Bride: An Engaging History of Mail Order Matches"[9:29]
• Zug, originally from the University of South Carolina, offers a generally sympathetic, historically grounded defense of mail-order matches as opportunities for women to gain agency and rights
Zug argues that both historically and today, mail-order marriages can offer women more options than being undocumented immigrants, who fear deportation and often cannot seek help from police or leave abusive partners[10:07]
• Chuck says he's glad Dave found the book because he might not have been as fair without that perspective
Josh perceives Zug as defensive on behalf of the industry because she believes it has been treated unfairly[10:34]

Historical origins: colonial America and early mail-order marriages

Lack of women in early colonies and government-sanctioned schemes

In early colonies like Jamestown, there was a significant shortage of women among European settlers[11:06]
• While Puritans and pilgrims sometimes arrived with families, many single men came alone, leading to social instability and loneliness
Some men left colonial settlements to live with Indigenous tribes, which undermined the colonies' need for young male labor[11:20]
Authorities responded by advertising for women to come over, supposedly as volunteers, to marry these men and stabilize the colonies[11:39]

Legal incentives for women in colonies

Josh describes government efforts, especially in Virginia and Maryland, to make widowhood more attractive than in England[12:36]
• In England, widows typically got one-third of the estate; colonial laws offered better inheritance and the ability to run a business
• Women were told that men were dying frequently in the colonies, so a husband might die soon, leaving them with assets and autonomy
This was a deliberate, government-backed strategy to attract women to marry strangers and help build stable communities[12:16]

Tobacco wives and financial requirements

Some women known as "tobacco wives" came to marry tobacco planters, who had to prove financial means[13:53]
• Prospective husbands had to donate 150 pounds of gold leaf tobacco to the Virginia Company to participate

Westward expansion and repeated frontiers

As the U.S. expanded westward, new frontiers were repeatedly settled first by rowdy male populations[14:21]
• Each new frontier-from eastern colonies to Mississippi regions and further west-faced the same problem: a lack of women to stabilize communities
Authorities and intermediaries again tried to attract women by making legal and social conditions more favorable for them[14:57]

Marriage as financial arrangement and incentives in the 18th-19th centuries

Marriage as primarily economic in earlier eras

Chuck stresses that financially driven marriages were the norm in the 17th and 18th centuries, not an aberration[15:06]
• Dowries, arranged marriages, and family alliances were common, and the idea of marrying purely for love is characterized as a largely 20th-century concept
Even outside mail-order contexts, families arranged marriages for economic and social reasons, a practice that still exists among high society families[15:40]

Incentives for women to move west

Western states like California devised legal incentives to draw women, including easier divorce and the ability for women to own and sell land[16:44]
• These policies aimed to attract both men and women to settle and stabilize frontier regions
In California, the proportion of women in the population rose from 3% to 19% between 1850 and 1860, indicating that such strategies worked[17:06]

Mercer girls and social reform

Marriage brokers like Asa Mercer collected money from bachelors and traveled east to recruit women to move west[17:40]
• Men might pay around $300 (about $5,000 today) to be matched with a "suitable" wife, and Mercer returned with groups of women some of whom married quickly
Some Mercer girls became abolitionists, women's rights advocates, and social reformers[18:28]
• Chuck cites Mehitable Haskell Elder, who organized an 1871 women's rights conference in Olympia, Washington, and recruited Susan B. Anthony as a delegate to a national suffrage convention
• Zug uses such examples to argue that mail-order arrangements sometimes expanded women's agency rather than simply oppressing them

Rise of matrimonial advertisements and changing ideas of marriage

Birth of personal ads and matrimonial advertisement industry

Josh identifies 18th-century England and then 19th-century U.S. as the cradle of the matrimonial advertisement industry[21:37]
Women published ads in newspapers describing themselves and what they were seeking, similar to a modern dating profile[22:14]
• This allowed them to avoid arranged marriages chosen by parents and exercise more choice over suitors
By late 19th century, specialized magazines devoted solely to matrimonial ads existed, such as the Matrimonial News, Cupid's Messenger, Heart and Hand, and the Standard Correspondence Club[22:53]

Transition from economic to love-based marriage ideals

Around the turn of the 20th century, Americans' ideas about marriage shifted from financial arrangement toward marrying for love[23:24]
• This shift created a tension: matrimonial ads empowered individuals to choose partners, but society increasingly stigmatized those using such nontraditional channels

Social mockery and early "catfishing" stories

Newspapers published stories about bachelors and "lonely heart" widows being conned, swindled, or deceived through these ads[23:58]
• Josh notes that people enjoyed laughing at these victims and looking down on them, reinforcing stigma around using ads or brokers for marriage
He says this early ridicule of matrimonial ads is the root of the modern American tendency to judge mail-order marriages harshly[24:16]

Internationalization, racism, and restrictive immigration laws

Shift to foreign brides and racist backlash

By the early 20th century, American men increasingly brought women from foreign countries through mail-order arrangements[24:32]
Chuck notes that Congress responded with overtly racist efforts to control this, targeting women from China, Japan, and other countries[24:32]
• Some senators argued that immigrants from Asia would "overrun" the U.S. and made xenophobic remarks about birth rates

Key immigration acts affecting mail-order marriages

The Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 banned Chinese immigration, which affected marriage-related immigration[25:15]
The 1907 Gentleman's Agreement with Japan allowed Japanese wives and children to immigrate if they were married, enabling single Japanese men in the U.S. to marry women from Japan sight unseen to bring them over[25:34]
The 1924 Immigration Act then shut down Japanese immigration entirely, including via marriage[25:49]

Stereotypes about foreign brides' motives and morality

A common accusation emerged that foreign brides were only seeking green cards and American citizenship to escape their home countries[26:31]
Another recurring stereotype painted these women as covert sex workers coming under the guise of marriage to prostitute themselves and behave immorally[26:15]
• Josh notes that this accusation persists today but the framing has shifted from corrupting society to focusing on women as potential trafficking victims controlled by criminals

Deportation risks and "likely to become a public charge"

Zug cites that Mexican, Greek, Asian, Jewish, and Italian women were more likely to be deported under LPC (likely to become a public charge) charges than some other groups[26:57]
• Marriage could be a way to avoid deportation by securing a green card, which fed into criticisms that such marriages were purely instrumental

Power imbalances, feminism, and trafficking concerns

Feminist critiques and war-bride parallels

American feminists have charged that foreign brides' submissiveness undermines feminist gains, arguing these women will do whatever husbands say[28:07]
Similar criticisms were directed at "war brides" brought back by soldiers from Korea or Vietnam, framed as exploiting power imbalances[28:20]

Structural power imbalance in mail-order marriages

Chuck emphasizes it's hard to talk about these marriages without acknowledging fundamental inequities and power imbalances[28:39]
• The sponsoring partner pays the agency, controls immigration status, and often provides economic security, while the incoming spouse may feel indebted or trapped
Josh adds that mail-order brides often lack language skills, social networks, and familiarity with local systems, making them dependent on their husbands[28:12]
• If the husband is abusive or misrepresented himself (criminal record, bad credit, etc.), the bride may feel stuck with no money or support and limited options to return home

Broad definitions of human trafficking and "softer" forms

Josh cites anti-trafficking groups that use a broad definition of trafficking: moving a person for financial reasons into a situation of unwanted dependence[30:08]
• By this definition, a woman voluntarily coming as a mail-order bride but ending up financially trapped in an unwanted relationship can be considered trafficked, even without kidnapping
Chuck notes that even without overt physical abuse, a spouse can effectively be a captive in her own home due to isolation and lack of advocates[30:45]
• He quotes Sonia Osorio's characterization of some arrangements as a "softer" version of trafficking, where legal processes mask underlying dependency and control

Agency, motivations, and ethical gray areas

Recognizing women's initiative and agency

Josh argues that portraying mail-order brides as uniformly docile and simple-minded ignores the initiative many show by pursuing this option[31:21]
• For example, a widow with children in a country where remarriage is unlikely may choose mail-order marriage as a proactive way to secure her and her children's future
He says that choosing to leave a constrained life and seek a husband abroad can demonstrate self-starting behavior, not helplessness[32:15]

Judging unconventional but mutually beneficial arrangements

Chuck cautions against quickly judging relationships where an older wealthy man and a younger foreign woman enter a pragmatic yet mutually satisfying marriage[32:53]
• He describes a scenario where an older rich man wants companionship for his final years and a young Ukrainian woman with few prospects seeks a better life; if they travel, enjoy each other's company, and both are content, he questions calling it wrong
Both hosts repeatedly return to the idea that the industry can be simultaneously exploitative in some cases and beneficial in others[34:00]

Nuts and bolts of the contemporary mail-order industry

1980s catalog-based system

Josh references a 1986 New York Times article that profiled the mail-order marriage industry of that era[34:28]
Men subscribed to services for $50-$500 per year and received printed catalogs with women's photos, physical stats, likes, and dislikes[35:02]
• These catalogs were often poorly produced, continuing the theme of low production values seen in modern websites
Clients would select several women by catalog number, ask the service to contact them, and begin exchanging letters[35:10]
• Over time, they narrowed their list and eventually traveled to meet a chosen woman, sometimes marrying on the same trip, even the day they first met

Modern online services and fee structures

Today the process is almost entirely online, with thousands of agencies offering varying services and charging many separate fees[35:51]
• Fees may apply for subscriptions, writing and translating letters, arranging video chats or phone calls, and more
An anti-trafficking article cited estimates that each client spends roughly $6,000-$10,000 with more reputable firms, though some lower-end sites may be satisfied extracting a few hundred dollars[36:21]

Tours and gray areas with prostitution

Some agencies offer "tours" costing around $5,000 where groups of men visit hotels in countries like Vietnam to meet many prospective brides in a short period[36:57]
• Josh notes that mail-order marriage is technically illegal in Vietnam but still rampant, with entire hotels functioning as hubs where women stay and tours of men from Taiwan, South Korea, or the U.S. visit them
Anti-trafficking advocates suspect that these tours may also involve paid sexual encounters, making them resemble sex tours as much as matchmaking trips[37:22]
Chuck describes scenarios where agencies house women, have them medically and psychologically evaluated, and send these reports to male clients, which is hard not to see as commodifying women[38:09]
• He says you have to "stretch your mind" to see that as anything other than a man buying a woman, despite stories of long-term, loving relationships that also emerge from such systems

Immigration law, conditional status, and vulnerability

Immigration Marriage Fraud Amendments of 1986

Chuck outlines how a U.S.-based spouse applies for a fiancé(e) or spousal visa, after which the foreign bride must marry within three months of arrival[43:37]
Post-marriage, the bride receives conditional resident status for two years, after which the couple must jointly apply to adjust her status to permanent residency[43:45]
• During the two-year conditional period, many brides are highly vulnerable because their legal status depends on the husband's cooperation

Risk factors in the conditional residency period

Chuck lists risk factors: linguistic and cultural isolation, absence of a social network, and economic dependence on the husband[44:09]
Brides may fear that if they displease the husband or try to leave, he could have them sent home during the conditional period[44:23]
• Anti-trafficking advocates argue this dependence makes the situation akin to a softer form of trafficking, even when women arrive voluntarily

Legal reforms and the internet's impact on information asymmetry

From one-sided information to more transparency

Historically, agencies provided extensive information to men about prospective brides, while women received little to no information about the men[44:50]
In recent years, the internet, video chat, texting, Facebook, and Skype have enabled women to vet men more thoroughly and be more discriminating[45:04]
• Women can now interact with potential spouses over time, rather than blindly coming based on a sparse profile

International Marriage Broker Regulation Act (IMBRA) of 2005

Chuck explains that several high-profile murders of mail-order brides in the U.S. helped spur the International Marriage Broker Regulation Act of 2005[45:37]
IMBRA requires legitimate brokers to provide foreign clients with detailed information about U.S. men, including whether they are on state or national sex offender registries[45:57]
• Agencies must also disclose arrest history, marital history, residence history, whether the man has children, and information about domestic violence and how to seek help from police
Josh notes some critics argue this level of disclosure is more invasive than what American women dating domestically receive, but he dismisses that objection as a straw man because of the unique vulnerability of mail-order brides[46:51]
• He argues that an American woman typically has more social support and isn't in the same kind of isolated dependency situation, so extra safeguards are justified

Data limitations, domestic violence context, and moral panic

Uncertain numbers of mail-order marriages

Chuck highlights that even basic prevalence numbers are unclear: the Tahiri Justice Center estimates 11,000-16,000 women immigrate annually via marriage brokers, while INS estimates are 4,000-6,000[47:33]
• This wide range makes it hard to know how common mail-order marriages are, much less how often they end in success or abuse

Spousal abuse statistics and immigrant women

Some studies show that immigrant women married to U.S. husbands experience spousal abuse at about three times the rate of other groups[47:39]
• Chuck notes these stats refer to all immigrant women married to U.S. husbands, not specifically mail-order brides, so they highlight broader power dynamics rather than being precise mail-order data

Relative risk of murder and the danger of focusing on the wrong threats

Dave found that three mail-order brides were murdered in the U.S. over a 10-year period and compared that to an estimated population of 160,000 such brides, yielding a very low percentage[49:30]
In the same time, about 17,250 married women in a general population of 64 million were murdered by their partner, implying a higher percentage for non-mail-order marriages[49:30]
• Josh concludes that, by those rough numbers, an American woman in a conventional marriage might actually be more likely to be murdered by her spouse than a mail-order bride, though it's a statistic no one feels good about
He likens focus on mail-order murders to "stranger danger" panics, where attention is on rare stranger crimes while more common threats come from relatives or acquaintances[51:07]
• Such moral panics can obscure systemic domestic violence problems that need broader solutions, not just targeting mail-order arrangements

Need for data and parallel provision of support

Josh stresses that with only anecdotal evidence, one cannot honestly declare the entire industry to be just a front for trafficking[50:27]
He proposes that while robust studies are conducted, services and support should still be made readily available to any women in these situations who seek help[49:59]
• He argues that spending money on outreach and assistance for potentially abused mail-order brides is worthwhile even before conclusive data exists

LGBTQ mail-order marriages and mail-order husbands

Legal changes enabling same-sex mail-order marriages

Chuck notes that after the Supreme Court struck down parts of the Defense of Marriage Act in 2013, there was a significant rise in LGBTQ people using similar international marriage arrangements[51:44]
Many LGBTQ individuals in other countries are literally fleeing for their lives or rights and use such marriages to escape persecution[52:03]
• Chuck observes that in these cases, a mail-order style marriage can effectively save someone's life by getting them out of a hostile country

Mail-order husbands and Irish examples

Josh mentions that some men also put themselves out as mail-order husbands, with Ireland cited as a recent example[52:52]
• He describes young Irish men advertising themselves as willing to marry and move to another country, showing the model is not exclusively male-buyer/female-bride

Wrap-up of main discussion on mail-order marriages

Final reflections on complexity

Chuck says this topic felt dangerous to navigate because it constantly swings between "not so bad" and "terrible" scenarios[54:34]
Josh agrees that the industry can be both exploitative and beneficial, and they encourage listeners to explore the topic further and form their own views rather than taking the hosts' word as final[55:04]

Listener mail: COVID-19, grief, and vaccination

Eddie's story about losing his father and the show's role

Chuck reads an email from Eddie, a longtime listener since 2008, who recently lost his father to COVID-19[53:27]
• Eddie describes bonding with his father over playing Fender guitars, noting their family has always favored Fender over Gibson
On the day his father died, Eddie turned to the podcast for comfort and was struck that the new episode in his feed was about Leo Fender and Les Paul, directly tied to their shared passion[54:24]
• He says this coincidence brought him solace on one of the hardest days of his life
Eddie expresses hope of someday thanking Josh and Chuck in person and shares a song he wrote for his father[54:16]

Vaccination message and closing thoughts

Eddie asks that his email be read on air to encourage listeners to get vaccinated against COVID-19, noting his parents were not vaccinated[53:35]
• He reports that his mother decided to get vaccinated after his father's death, and he urges others not to assume it "can't happen" to their families
Josh and Chuck offer condolences, affirm Eddie's message, and plainly tell listeners to go get vaccinated[54:16]

Lessons Learned

Actionable insights and wisdom you can apply to your business, career, and personal life.

1

When evaluating controversial practices, resist forming sweeping judgments based solely on anecdotes and instead look for reliable data while acknowledging the complexity and variation of individual cases.

Reflection Questions:

  • • What current issue in your life or community are you judging mostly from a handful of stories rather than solid information?
  • • How could you practically seek out more systematic data or perspectives before taking a strong stance on that issue?
  • • What is one belief you hold that you might revisit if you discovered the underlying evidence was weaker than you assumed?
2

Structural power imbalances-such as control over immigration status, money, or language-can quietly trap people in harmful situations even without overt violence, so systems and relationships should be designed to minimize such one-sided dependencies.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Where in your personal or professional relationships do you hold disproportionate power that could unintentionally limit someone else's options?
  • • How might you change a process, agreement, or habit so that both sides retain meaningful autonomy and the ability to exit safely?
  • • What safeguards (legal, social, or financial) could you help put in place for someone in your orbit who is especially vulnerable to dependency?
3

People often make pragmatic choices about relationships and migration that don't fit romantic ideals but still reflect agency and rational decision-making in the context of their constraints.

Reflection Questions:

  • • When have you or someone you know made a life choice that outsiders might judge harshly, but which made sense given the actual constraints?
  • • How can you train yourself to ask "What problem is this person trying to solve?" before judging their unconventional decisions?
  • • What is one area where you could expand your tolerance for arrangements that differ from your own ideals but are consensual and beneficial to those involved?
4

Legal frameworks and transparency requirements can significantly reduce the risks of exploitation in high-risk arrangements, but they must be paired with accessible support services for people who still fall through the cracks.

Reflection Questions:

  • • Which systems you interact with (e.g., employment, housing, immigration, online platforms) could benefit from greater transparency about counterparties' histories or obligations?
  • • How might you personally contribute-through volunteering, advocacy, or policy input-to strengthening protections for vulnerable participants in those systems?
  • • If someone in a constrained situation turned to you for help, do you know where you would direct them for legal or social support in your community?
5

Technological tools like video calls and social media can shift information asymmetries and empower individuals, but they do not automatically erase deeper structural vulnerabilities.

Reflection Questions:

  • • In your own relationships or deals, where are you relying on digital tools to vet others, and what might those tools still be missing?
  • • How could you combine online due diligence with offline checks or networks to better protect yourself and others from exploitation?
  • • What is one step you could take this month to help someone you know use technology more effectively to gather information and protect their interests?

Episode Summary - Notes by Jamie

Selects: How Mail Order Marriages Work
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